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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To quit job to be SAHP for a while

77 replies

twinsister · 26/07/2021 21:14

We have two children 10 and 11. I’ve worked since the youngest was 18 months. Mix of full time and part time. Big jobs - my DH and I were roughly equal earners and seniority pre kids. Vast majority of household responsibility has fallen to me since we became parents. Holidays, sick days, meals, kids arrangements etc are always my responsibility unless I specifically ask for help.

We’ve discussed this many many many times and I’ve asked for help, made my case etc. I’ve collapsed into a sobbing mess many times.

I’m at the point where I want to try being a SAHP for a few years. Enjoy the last of my kids childhoods and be more present for them. Would pick up some work ideally or potentially start my own thing but in a low stress low earning way.

My Mum went the opposite way and went back to work when I was ten and I felt like she disappeared which is probably colouring my feelings. I wanted more of her as a tween and teen.

Financially we’re good. No mortgage and can live off DH earnings. I know how lucky we are.

However I don’t think DH will ever be supportive of the idea. Mainly because he’d probably like to do the same thing! I feel like I’ve suggested the shared responsibility model where we both reduce hours so many times and nothings ever happened, for him if he has a job then work will always come first.

I’m nervous that I’m 45 so could be risky taking time out and trying to get a job later but I’m leaning towards starting my own business or buying a business rather than a job when I eventually do go back into more serious work.

What would you do? What have I not thought of? How can I convince him to try this for all of our mental health?

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 27/07/2021 09:48

YANBU.

You try reducing your hours in your current role (if that's an option) first so it doesn't feel like such a huge step.

He can then have the option to do the same (although sounds like he won't!)

It's not fair in the current set up where you both work the same hours and the rest falls to you.

Noterook · 27/07/2021 09:50

Can you both reduce hours? Nought wrong with being a SAHP if that's what you want to do, but obviously you need the other person's support. If he wouldn't be okay with you not working and him still doing full time, maybe there's something in the middle that suits you both?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2021 10:07

I'd be wary of this to be honest. Your 'D'H sounds like a lazy arse and one day you might decide you don't want to be married to a lazy arse but its difficult for you to get a job after being out of the workforce for so long or get a mortgage if you're self employed. It seems like you're considering it because of your own childhood experience and because your husband is lazy, both of which arent great reasons for quitting a job that presumably you're good at and you enjoy.
Are there any alternatives? Reducing hours to stop at 3 most days so that you are there for the kids after school? Having different term time and holiday hours? Outsourcing everything that you can think of (cleaning, cooking, gardening, admin)? Going to marriage counselling with your husband to try and get to the bottom of why he thinks its acceptable that you pick up his share of everything? Having a trial separation? If you're doing everything anyway you might find it easier because you have one less person to cook for and clean up after and you would actually get some time to yourself to relax on his contact days?
Ultimately he cant expect you to do everything, and then also say you cant reduce your hours to get all this stuff done.

I'd make sure he contributes towards your pension if you stop working to be a SAHP and if possible I'd still do something like consulting or one day a week even if it's for free or something, so that you keep your hand in and its much easier for you to get a job later on if you want or need to

user16395699 · 27/07/2021 10:15

He doesn't respect or care about you enough to pull his weight and support you. He would appear to think you exist to serve him. He very evidently places no value on your needs or well-being.

Giving up work to be his housekeeper would only worsen that, not improve it.

In your situation, giving up work would be permanent not "for a few years" .

What kind of husband is content to watch his wife become ill, desperate and distressed as a direct consequence of his laziness and entitlement?

That's not love.

YoungWerther · 27/07/2021 10:19

Terrible idea.

Your DH would make your life an absolute misery. Don't be dependent on a man who has no respect for you. And don't let your feelings about your own mother cloud your judgement.

someonelockthefridgealready · 27/07/2021 10:20

@user16395699

He doesn't respect or care about you enough to pull his weight and support you. He would appear to think you exist to serve him. He very evidently places no value on your needs or well-being.

Giving up work to be his housekeeper would only worsen that, not improve it.

In your situation, giving up work would be permanent not "for a few years" .

What kind of husband is content to watch his wife become ill, desperate and distressed as a direct consequence of his laziness and entitlement?

That's not love.

I'm not sure I can add much to this, just to say, I'm sorry your "D"H turned out to be an arsehole.

turkeyboots · 27/07/2021 10:26

I did this, but my DH is a lovely man who is very supportive. It has been a great break and v helpful with dealing with some unforseen domestic crisis like DS being v v ill. And homeschooling.
And I'm on a career break so have a job to go back to after 5 years. Kids will be late teens when I go back so the domestic load should be lighter, I hope.
DH was also keen as his work is increasingly stressful and required a huge amount of travel. So dumping his previous domestic duties on me was a plus for him.

SorryWoman · 27/07/2021 10:27

No.
You're at a tricky age for dropping out if you ever needed to get back into work again. If your kids were younger it might make sense.

You need to get your DH to pull his weight.

pointythings · 27/07/2021 10:48

The problem isn't your job, it's your 'D'H - he doesn't pull his weight at home. That's what needs to change.

And in this situation I would advise against making yourself more financially dependent on this prince of a man.

Namenic · 27/07/2021 10:50

Talk to DH and about you going part time for a while. Tell him that if he does not pull his weight and the burden of all the other things still lies with you, you may go full time sahp. That way it gives him a push to go part time as well if that is what he wants. But I don’t think I would do it unilaterally without discussion.

GingerFigs · 27/07/2021 10:50

I'd say don't do it. You will leave yourself in a vulnerable position if things ever go
South - trying to get back into the job market after a break is tough, don't underestimate the hit to your pension, and potentially losing your identity and feeling that you have something for 'you'. And even if things don't go pear shaped, the kids are at school between 9&3, what do they need you for during these times? (Appreciate illness etc can happen as per PPs). You will turn into a glorified housekeeper. Is that what you want?

If you both earn well then I'd throw money at the problem - cleaner, gardener etc and try to reduce hours or if you work for a large company is a sabbatical an option?

Namenic · 27/07/2021 10:51

Also - going full time sahp suddenly may make you vulnerable and also leave you with pensions shortfall

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 10:53

@twinsister

We’ve discussed this many many many times and I’ve asked for help, made my case etc. I’ve collapsed into a sobbing mess many times.

My Mum went the opposite way and went back to work when I was ten and I felt like she disappeared which is probably colouring my feelings. I wanted more of her as a tween and teen.

Financially we’re good. No mortgage and can live off DH earnings. I know how lucky we are.

What would you do? What have I not thought of? How can I convince him to try this for all of our mental health?

OP if you need to do it, do it. Your husband is the one making full time work and childcare impossible because he expects you to do it all. So he can either totally step up so you can continue to work, or support you being at home, but either way it's your choice.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 10:54

Every industry is different but I went back to work after a long break and didn't really miss a beat (I went mostly freelance/started my own business though).

StylishMummy · 27/07/2021 10:55

I think you working/not working is not the issue. The issue is your husband doesn't respect you or the household enough to take on his fair share of the housework/childcare/life admin

vivainsomnia · 27/07/2021 11:00

OP, are you working FT or PT at the moment. You say you've done both. It's not unreasonable that you should do more of the housework when you were PT, especially if that happened when both children were at school. If however he wasn't helping at all when you were FT too, assuming he didn't have a very long commute when you didn't, that's not on.

Ultimately, if he doesn't agree, it is never going to work. You'll have many hours for yourself whilst he gets less disposable income/able to save to allow you to do so. It's not really balanced.

Your kids are getting older and there will be less need to take time off for sickness/appointment etc... You could agree to have a cleaner/gardener etc.... admin is about good organisation and shouldn't take much time. Agree to divide it equally.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/07/2021 11:19

If your DH doesn’t want you to do it then unless you have large personal savings it’s a no go surely. If he livid if DH quit work and thought I should pay for that choice and I certainly wouldn’t be.

At 10/11 they won’t be having that much time off sick and are at an age of getting independent not to mention being at school all day so not available to do things with.

Given you are all out during the day I can’t imagine there is that much housework or admin that one of you needs to quit work. School/house admin takes minutes each week, it’s only on MN people seem to spend days on it.

Embracelife · 27/07/2021 11:34

Where are you in 10 years time with kids at uni?
Still running around after dh?

What if he quits too?
Why shouldn't he also quit his job?
What if he dies? Or gets sick and cannot work? How are you set up?
Can you retire early?
What £££ do you need for lifestyle? If you both high earning could be big shock
What will your pension be?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 27/07/2021 11:40

i did this. i was made redundant and decided to take time out. I had three young children including twins. The year off helped the family. my husband wasn't as tired and I got the house more organised. i slowly went back to work. i have a high profile part time job. i have a 2 mile commute. It works well for us and although i could earn more have furthered my career the year off made me question my priorities.
My children are thriving, husband isn't as tired and i am fulfilled with a great balance. The year off made my family happier, secure and organised.

DGFB · 27/07/2021 11:42

Awful idea because if you and DH split, you have no career and at a tricky age.
The issue here is your DH. You need to pay for more help if he won’t budge.. cleaner, babysitting etc. Can you work from home so you’re there for DCs?
He’s the issue

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 27/07/2021 11:43

I would add that my husband was fully on board and felt the benefit of me being at home. It took a lot of pressure off him. He is a hard worker and warns really good money. We share everything so it is very much a marriage of equals! (although sometimes he can be a bit complacent.)

TiredButDancing · 27/07/2021 11:50

The main problem I see with this is that based on your OP, it's very unlikely that your "d"H is going to see his earnings as family money. So you'll take on all the household and childcare tasks (and he'll drop the very few he already does, believe me) BUT you won't have equal access to funds because either he'll refuse to transfer to any joint accounts/your accounts OR, he'll question everything you spend. before you know it, you'll be working small freelance jobs at 10pm every night so that you can afford to get your hair cut or have a night out with your girlfriends.

The problem is that you have a dickish DH. Personally, I'd keep working but spend more money on help and support (paid for from joint funds, not your own) to compensate for how crap he is.

MiddleParking · 27/07/2021 11:56

I can see why you’d want to but I think quitting work and giving your husband (who sounds like a contemptuous arsehole) a huge reason/excuse to actively resent you would be just about the worst possible response to what sounds like fundamental problems in your marriage.

Booboosweet · 27/07/2021 11:56

Would your DH be happy taking on the burden of being the sole earner?

Mary46 · 27/07/2021 11:59

Its hard to be less one wage though.. I temped steady money and some weeks no work but others I had. He will expect everything of you if you at home.

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