To quit job to be SAHP for a while

[twinsister]

We have two children 10 and 11. I’ve worked since the youngest was 18 months. Mix of full time and part time. Big jobs - my DH and I were roughly equal earners and seniority pre kids. Vast majority of household responsibility has fallen to me since we became parents. Holidays, sick days, meals, kids arrangements etc are always my responsibility unless I specifically ask for help.

We’ve discussed this many many many times and I’ve asked for help, made my case etc. I’ve collapsed into a sobbing mess many times.

I’m at the point where I want to try being a SAHP for a few years. Enjoy the last of my kids childhoods and be more present for them. Would pick up some work ideally or potentially start my own thing but in a low stress low earning way.

My Mum went the opposite way and went back to work when I was ten and I felt like she disappeared which is probably colouring my feelings. I wanted more of her as a tween and teen.

Financially we’re good. No mortgage and can live off DH earnings. I know how lucky we are.

However I don’t think DH will ever be supportive of the idea. Mainly because he’d probably like to do the same thing! I feel like I’ve suggested the shared responsibility model where we both reduce hours so many times and nothings ever happened, for him if he has a job then work will always come first.

I’m nervous that I’m 45 so could be risky taking time out and trying to get a job later but I’m leaning towards starting my own business or buying a business rather than a job when I eventually do go back into more serious work.

What would you do? What have I not thought of? How can I convince him to try this for all of our mental health?

Go for it if you can afford it!
Having a break and a good look at your own career and how you want your future to be is always a good move.

Only one word of warning, teenagers are expensive!

Pension pension pension
If you do this then you really need to save some of your husbands salary into a private pension & remember work will not be making the additional contribution it needs to be a decent amount.
Women very often lose out when they change to staying at home as the pension is forgotten & please make sure the national insurance is kept up to date.

If you can afford to live off his salary, then you can probably afford to buy in help.

I’m wondering if you being a control freak is part of the issue, is your husband useless or at least in part are your standards too high ? Does everything have to be done to your standard on your timetable ?

I recommend this book a lot on here but have a read of Fair Play by Eve Rodsky in terms of splitting the domestic load.

I've also read an interview with Rodsky where she says from research it's clear that women who take a step back in the work place don't end up with more time - all that happens is even more domestic load is heaped onto their plate.

Having said that I don't blame you at all for wanting to have a break - is there anyway you could do part time?

I think this is a but drastic. And i worry that he would only support it if he then had to do no cooking and cleaning etc.My suggestions are;

time. I also did a masters with tiny children and in a similar situation and it took me ages to get over it. The pandemic has also taken its toll on us all in ways we don't understand yet. The pandemic has also meant we haven't had our usual holidays and breaks that recharge us. Don't make huge life decisions at the moment.

Drudgery. If you can afford to not work you can afford to outsource. Cleaner-ideally one who will happily turn hand to anything like stripping beds and ironing. Gardener. Meal delivery service. Husband will winge-but whatever. This is about making you feel lighter and more available to your kids mentally and at evenings and weekends. With less to do its so much easier. The kids are also old enough to help out a lot.

Managing your stress and unhappiness. Getting to the root of it. Leaving your job is possibly treating symptoms and not the root cause.

I'd look at changing my working hours to suit the last year at primary and then do a big review after that. Rather then work 4 days can you work 5 short days. Or sth similar. Instead of going down to 3 do 4 short. Book unpaid parental leave for the six weeks holidays next year to have a blast with them. Think about when they need you and what they need from you. Extra leave a couple days each week of school hols next year might bring more joy and a more fun mum then you watching them collapse on the sofa at 3.30 pm every day when they are shattered.

It would be a shame for you to quit now just as the DCs are getting to the stage of being more independent. Also presumably you've been WFH which I've found has amplified the stress of work and mixes up home and work unpleasantly.

Is there anything you can do to reduce the workplace pressure? Move sideways or anything like that?

I wouldnt become a SAHP again. Getting back into work after 5 years out (until the kids were 9 and 11 -so primary) has been horriffic. Right now, i'm on less than half my hourly rate than before I quit. I took the only job going that would offer me an interview - applying for jobs around or just below my previous job got straight rejections, in one case as quickly as an hour after I'd submitted it.
If your industry will accept it (my reduced hours got rejected, so it was all or nothing) drop another day (and maybe the management) to get to a level where typically you finish pretty much on time, and rarely need to check on stuff when not at work.
Being able to switch off at 4, and walk out the door has been an amazing change.

Also, just a heads up, once the youngest reaches 12, you wont get credits towards your state pension. If that would be an important source of income in retirement, you need to think about topping up your pension.

Also rereading your OP, I suspect you're a bit of a perfectionist, so starting/buying your own business won't necessarily reduce the stress. You started a nee job during a pandemic so that's bound to have been hard - I moved sideways and feel it has been a bit of a mistake as I don't know my new colleagues properly because I've not met them in person.

Hopefully you have some time off over the school holidays to recharge your batteries.

I'd also recommend reducing your standards in cooking, holiday booking and organising the DCs. Maybe buy in Gousto or Hello Fresh and tell DH to make it. Let DCs organise themselves a bit more. Throw money at holidays to make them enjoyable.

I wouldn’t give up altogether. I’d apply to drop a day or two. Unfortunately, home stuff will still fall on your shoulders, but at least you’d have the security of your job, and maybe a possibility of going back full time later.

I think it's a risk, the marriage doesn't sound very stable if your DH is so disrespectful and demanding of you, so to then put yourself in a vulnerable position without earnings and stopping pension contributions when there is a very real (and frankly reasonable) reason you could split is just a big risk. Apologies if this has been said I haven't read the whole thread but part time would make much more sense at those ages or you both reducing your hours slightly.

I don’t think that you should be a SAHP. I do think that you should take some time off for yourself and to be with your children if you can afford it. Do you think you could be burnt out? Some of the things you are saying sound a bit like that, maybe you need to take some unpaid leave and think about starting that consultancy?

So many wise people on here. Can’t respond to all the individual ideas and questions I don’t think but in short I think holding fire on the drastic conversation is the right call.

Yes I need to relax standards. They’re not particularly high especially when it comes to housework but I can work on relaxing and yes I absolutely need to replace our cleaner who left earlier in the year and I got the stupid idea that the kids needed to learn how to clean their own house for a while. Which of course landed a lot on me too. DH has been doing some cleaning with us on Sat mornings to give him his due. Badly. But doing it. Hasn’t done anything to help find another cleaner though!

Hours - yes I need to get creative and try to either spread the four days better or try and reduce to three. I find trying to leave at 3 when the team is still working can be a lot more stressful than taking the day. But that’s maybe my misplaced guilt talking.

I think the straw that broke the camels back was when our after school helper (uni student who works two afternoons) had to collect my ten year old from school when she was sick. Cue massive guilt again.

Hmmm I’m seeing a guilt pattern here.

I’ve also booked in to see my doctor to talk HRT as I suspect my insomnia over the last six months of so might not just be stress but raging hormones changes!

I did want to respond to the poster who said I should be able to do better than collapse in a sobbing heap. In the gentlest possible way, please be careful with statements like that. We never really know a persons situation and there will be people who read that who just feel even worse about their inability to cope with what they see other people doing seemingly effortlessly

There’s no prize for being the swan who hides all the furious paddling under the surface

Thanks mumsnetters. I haven’t known how to have this conversation with my friends and I actually think you’ve all been of more help than they would have been

I wouldn't do it. I was a sahm when my kids were little and exH was crap so of I had a job I would be doing everything at home plus WOTH. I didn't like depending on him so I kept my hand in and did some retraining. Thank goodness for that as he got fed up of family life and swanned off without looking back. I immediately got work where I had kept hand in which made the difference between me being able to keep our house and get a mortgage on my own. The relief at being able to provide for myself is huge. I also have flexibility in my work hours which is crucial as a lone parent.
If I had not had this good job I'd worked for then I would probably have been on UC and forced into a min wage job for long hours and unable to get a mortgage.

I suspect you would quickly get bored of being a SAHM

Teen children don't generally require a parent to be at home during the school day

You would be financially dependent on your DH

Your fundamental problem seems to be that you want a more equal relationship. I don't think you would achieve that by giving up work

Very thoughtful response OP.

Definitely get a cleaner back - sounds like your combined income more than covers the cost of it so use the weekends to do fun stuff with your DCs, believe me it won't be very long before they don't want to. In the short term get a robohoover- great for cleaning with no effort provided everyone picks their detritus from the floor.

Regarding your work - I'm not sure at the level you describe reducing hours would necessarily be the panacea to your problems.

Once the DCs are in secondary I found that what they need is ferrying places, but not so much hands on attention. So rather than stopping at 3 could you take an hour to pick them up and then start working again ? I'm not great at this flexible style either, but needs must with a teen and I find we get the best talking time in the car.

Rather than hoping for a 50/50 split in responsibilities with your DH, could he take on specific jobs ? Might be easier than whats happening at the minute.

@YoungWerther

Terrible idea.

Your DH would make your life an absolute misery. Don't be dependent on a man who has no respect for you. And don't let your feelings about your own mother cloud your judgement.

Wow. What a lot of assumptions, based on very little in depth information.

OP. Maybe cut your hours and enjoy life in general and you DC in particular. You missed a lot of their tiny lives, you may regret it far more if you miss the whole of their childhood.

@worktrip how has she missed out on their life exactly? Has her husband not missed out by working full time and doing nothing for them when he is at home or is that only a women’s job?

Can I make an alternative suggestion? You have two problems - a DH who won't pull his weight and a job you don't like, and you're considering giving up work as a way of solving both. I think you might be better off changing jobs and going full-time. I have thought all my working life that part-time is a massive con designed to make people do more work for less money and feel grateful for it. If you're full time you have more money to outsource stuff and your H loses the excuse that you have more time than him for domestic stuff. Your kids are old enough to take on some of the chores, and it'll be good for them. If you're senior you'll probably have the flexibility to come in late or leave early for school stuff (I just block out time in my work diary, no-one cares exactly when I get the work done provided I do).

I can totally see why you’d want to do it, but would echo others and reduce your hours instead, or try and make sure you’re home when the children get in from school a few nights a week or something instead.

If your DH pulled his weight at home and wouldn’t resent you for doing this, then I’d probably give you a different answer, but he sounds lazy, entitled and not someone you may want to end up with forever. Quitting the labour market may really hamper your choices.

I know you said you’re keen to start a new business, but many businesses aren’t well thought through and do fail, and its not easy nowadays to just find something “local and low stress”.

I’d go part time before I quit completely when you’ve got a DH who, frankly, sounds a bit wanting. Sorry, OP.

[quote cinammonbuns]@worktrip how has she missed out on their life exactly? Has her husband not missed out by working full time and doing nothing for them when he is at home or is that only a women’s job?[/quote]
What a statement of the bleeding obvious.
She has missed out out their young childhood because she worked If she had stayed at home she would have missed out on a working life. Her DH has also missed out on their young lives like so many working fathers.

She’s asking a simple question. Is it worth reducing hours or taking time out to be a SAHP. Only she can weigh up all her family factors and make that decision. I have no regrets about being a SAHP when my children were very small. I have flexible working so can still be a bigger part of their lives than if I were full time.

Who puts the bins out or cleans the toilet is a nonsensical question

"She has missed out out their young childhood because she worked If"

This assumes op worked literally 24 7. 7 days a week and moved out of family home never taking them on holiday or spending weekends with them. Never feeding reading to them or speaking to them.

If not
Then then she did not miss out on their childhood any more than her dh did.

Does anyone who sends kids to school "miss out" ? Because they are not with child 24 7 either

You could say
"By working she missed out on a few hours each working day of being with their child"

Hardly missing their whole childhood!

..of which hours count out the time child is napping ....