To quit job to be SAHP for a while

[twinsister]

We have two children 10 and 11. I’ve worked since the youngest was 18 months. Mix of full time and part time. Big jobs - my DH and I were roughly equal earners and seniority pre kids. Vast majority of household responsibility has fallen to me since we became parents. Holidays, sick days, meals, kids arrangements etc are always my responsibility unless I specifically ask for help.

We’ve discussed this many many many times and I’ve asked for help, made my case etc. I’ve collapsed into a sobbing mess many times.

I’m at the point where I want to try being a SAHP for a few years. Enjoy the last of my kids childhoods and be more present for them. Would pick up some work ideally or potentially start my own thing but in a low stress low earning way.

My Mum went the opposite way and went back to work when I was ten and I felt like she disappeared which is probably colouring my feelings. I wanted more of her as a tween and teen.

Financially we’re good. No mortgage and can live off DH earnings. I know how lucky we are.

However I don’t think DH will ever be supportive of the idea. Mainly because he’d probably like to do the same thing! I feel like I’ve suggested the shared responsibility model where we both reduce hours so many times and nothings ever happened, for him if he has a job then work will always come first.

I’m nervous that I’m 45 so could be risky taking time out and trying to get a job later but I’m leaning towards starting my own business or buying a business rather than a job when I eventually do go back into more serious work.

What would you do? What have I not thought of? How can I convince him to try this for all of our mental health?

Your problem isn’t work though, it’s your DH.

Enjoy the last of my kids childhoods and be more present for them

How much time do you really think you'll have with your children now they are secondary school age? They are at an age where they become more independent and the only "presence" required from you is likely to be ferrying them to meet their friends or hobbies?

No mortgage and can live off DH earnings.

Is that your opinion only or does he agree with this? Very easy to say you can live off one wage when you are the person wanting to give up work? Not so much for the partner who continues to work and carries the financial responsibility for the family?

Doing this would make you more dependent on him and he doesnt exactly sound like he has your back.

I'd just cut anything you do for him. Cooking/laundry/any other bits you do for him.

Actions speak volumes here. And you want the loudest actions that directly affect him.

Absolutely no way would I be giving up work in your situation. It would be fine if you were working as a team and your DH was supportive but you are not, and he isn't. You would leave yourself completely dependant on a man who does not sound like he can be trusted to support you.

I think reducing your hours would be a reasonable idea if you can, and as a PP said, he could do the same if he wanted. At least that way if you want to leave him in future you will still be earning, and in a position where you can support yourself.

Such amazing responses here thank you. I’m thinking about all of them.

I’m working four days per week at the moment. Although I’ve got a large team and management team responsibilities so realistically it’s not a job I can just switch off from.

Forgot to mention I’ve just finished a Masters which I did while working and I’m sure the stress of that has had a big effect. But it’s been like this for a decade so it’s not just the study stress IYSWIM

I don’t want to make my husband out to be worse than he is. He’s not a bad person just a bit useless and I am probably not letting him take the lead which is where he comes into his own. If I’m honest my coping mechanism is to become a bit of a control freak.

I’m also not loving my job which I’ve been in for less than a year so that will also be influencing me.

Maybe dropping to three days is the right idea. Might not be possible in my current role but I could look for another one with less responsibility. And I’d be fine with him doing that too if he wanted but I’ve been saying that for years and he’s never done it.

Thanks everyone every single response was helpful

@pointythings

The problem isn't your job, it's your 'D'H - he doesn't pull his weight at home. That's what needs to change.

And in this situation I would advise against making yourself more financially dependent on this prince of a man.

This! Dont screw up your pension because your DH is a lazy arsehole !

What would I do? Ditch the husband. He's the problem, not your work/life balance.

I think your husband needs to be on board. I can’t see how it will work otherwise. He’ll resent you.

I’m a sahm. I got made redundant when I was pregnant with my second 15 years ago, then had another baby the year after. I was also a full time carer for our other disabled son. We’ve never really discussed me returning to work. If I do now it would be part time. Us that an option, going part time?

No I 100% wouldn’t do this. Even if there was a DH onboard. As others have said your kids are growing up, whilst it would be nice to have a break I wouldn’t think it’s justified like it might have been 10yrs earlier to quit your job to be around for the kids more. Like you’ve said this is the time many mothers go back to work and there’s a good reason for this as the kids need them less. I’d be very concerned about getting a job again, the effect on my pension and the affect on my marriage if my DH wasn’t supportive

@twinsister

Such amazing responses here thank you. I’m thinking about all of them.

I’m working four days per week at the moment. Although I’ve got a large team and management team responsibilities so realistically it’s not a job I can just switch off from.

Forgot to mention I’ve just finished a Masters which I did while working and I’m sure the stress of that has had a big effect. But it’s been like this for a decade so it’s not just the study stress IYSWIM

I don’t want to make my husband out to be worse than he is. He’s not a bad person just a bit useless and I am probably not letting him take the lead which is where he comes into his own. If I’m honest my coping mechanism is to become a bit of a control freak.

I’m also not loving my job which I’ve been in for less than a year so that will also be influencing me.

Maybe dropping to three days is the right idea. Might not be possible in my current role but I could look for another one with less responsibility. And I’d be fine with him doing that too if he wanted but I’ve been saying that for years and he’s never done it.

Thanks everyone every single response was helpful

Isn't it amazing that your husband isn't useless when it comes to his Big Job but he is useless when it comes to doing housework and looking after his children? Don't fall for that crap because you will regret it.

Do not make yourself financially dependent on a man who, in your own words, has not changed his behaviour even when you have collapsed sobbing in the past because you are struggling. He will not support you.

Instead, if you really do want to stay with him, I would suggest outsourcing absolutely everything you possibly can (cleaner, gardener etc.) and cutting back on other responsibilities as much as possible to reduce your admin load. So if you take on the responsibility of being the contact person for his family etc. then stop that immediately. And stop doing his admin (if you do it now). Don't arrange things for him, don't make his appointments, don't be his PA. if he wants a PA he can hire one.

Do not quit your job.

So you've got one day when you are at home and kids are at school. 6 hours to get on with things and then enjoy some me time. I understand that your OH expects you to do most of the cleaning/admin during this time.

It's all well to say that you and your OH could go down to 3 days and afford it, but what about pensions? Maybe he is looking at retiring early if he doesn't like his job and prefer the option of both of you working as many hours as possible now to allow for this.

Working a 4 day week, even in a stressful job is a luxury that many would love.

I’ve collapsed into a sobbing mess many times. He doesn't love you in my opinion. I would never be with anyone who thought that that was ok.

My advice would be keep the job, lose the husband. I've been a single parent and it was hard but easier than living with someone who was happy to treat me like a cunt.

Isn't it amazing that your husband isn't useless when it comes to his Big Job but he is useless when it comes to doing housework and looking after his children? Don't fall for that crap because you will regret it

Exactly. If he can perform at work and keep his 'big job' he's perfectly capable of doing housework, cooking, childcare etc he just doesn't want to and is happy to let you pick up everything and do all the juggling.

Don't give up work but see if you can drop another day and delegate or drop as much of what you do at home as possible.

Get a cleaner, do as little as possible for your DH where it doesn't affect you if it doesn't happen, eg laundry.

Also, your DC are getting to the age where they can be more independent and can be home alone for an hour or two eg before and after school and also pull their weight a bit more, so think about getting them to prepare a couple of evening meals for everyone between them each week. Will they be able to get themselves to and from school when they're at high school?

I wouldn't. Not because there's anything wrong to being a sahp to older children or anything like that.

But because of your dh. He isn't useless. He just doesn't see these things as his job, just yours. If he isn't supportive of you being a sahp, relying on just his wage will become a huge pit of resentment.

And he is unlikely to view the money he makes is shared which can really make life difficult.

Now you have finished your masters, could you take an paid break from work. Save some money up, so you aren't just relying on him. Lots of employers will let you take a career break and then go back to your job after. I know you say you don't really enjoy your job, but this could give you some breathing room. Sometime to distress and think about it. But you also have a job you can go back to.

You may feel slightly different having had a break or you may decide to go back and change jobs.

Or at least reduce days.

Your problem here is your dh. I am not one to say ltb. And i am not saying 'you need to leave him', but everyone of my friends who has been married to someone 'a bit useless' has found their lives so much easier as a single parent. What I am saying is that HE is a big cause of your stress.

I don't think giving up your financial independence, when he won't support it and is a cause of your stress is really going to help you.

I am not wonder woman, not particularly special. I have a 'big job' (as its being described here) I have also been a single parent while doing that job. My partner now lives with me and my children and is great support and he works less than me, so he does do a bit more of cooking and house work etc.

However, I still do my fair share. And I still am present in the kids lives. I make their arrangements, I cook when I am home. While my job did allow some wfh before covid, I am home now so do more of the cooking as dp works outside the home. It takes 10-15 min at lunchtime to prep some food.

I haven't checked out because another adult in the house is willing to take on more roles. If the kids are sick, they want their mum so I generally take sometime off. Though dp is willing to and does if needed. Their weekend arrangements, i work out. If they need a doctors appointment I take them. Dp is great support and would happily do more, but I am their mother.

When women are the main wage earner, they very rarely check out of being a decent partner and parenting their kids.

When men do, more often than not its because they choose to.

I really don't think you can rely on this man to support you doing this. Which makes it a bad idea, in my opinion.

This thread!

Only on MN could a man who is a high earner and works FT be described as lazy and useless.

And I'm sorry OP but as a high earner yourself, you are clearly intelligent, hardworking and resourceful. So why on earth would you "collapse into a sobbing mess" over childcare/domesticities when you have and have had the money to outsource this?

If you want to be a SAHP, then crack on but discuss it with your DH first.

Hmm I’d have murdered my dh so wouldn’t be in this position exactly. But if you do everything at home while working and he doesn’t do any of the day to day stuff, id tell him you’re done done done and you like him less every day as he leaves you to struggle. And you’re going to a hotel for your next 4 working days, Hes left you to manage for years so 4 days should be a breeze, he will just have to make it work. You will be back for your day off as usual.

Give over. You can work full time and not be useless at home and pass all the parenting stuff to your other half. You can work hard at work and sto be a crappy partner.

And well done on the understanding of stress/ mental health on people. People in high earning jobs often break under huge amounts of pressure. Especially, when their partner, can't be arsed to take on very much of the parenting role at home and its all put on one person.

You berate op for getting upset when she has the money to outsource things.....Where's his responsibility to sort that? Outsourcing a cleaner, a nanny etc would all probably fall to the op as well. So it's not a cure all people make it out to be.

OP, you can't just unilaterally decide to stop working if your DH doesn't agree. That's not a viable option. You have shared responsibility for earning a living/supporting your family.

You also have shared responsibility for housework and childcare, but it sounds like you have shouldered the bigger burden here. That isn't fair, and your DH needs to step up,
although you mention that your work is part time and I presume your DH is full time, so I would expect you to take on more of the domestic stuff as a result of that. Presumably most the housework can be done in that one day a week when you're off?

I do understand that it has been more stressful for you while doing your master's. I did this while working FT and it was fucking hard. However, it was also my personal choice to take that on. As it doesn't sound like you did the master's to progress at work (given that you now want to quit) I am assuming that this was your personal choice too. But either way, you've finished it now so that stress has gone?

Secondary aged kids don't generally need a SAHP. They're out at school all day and usually get themselves there and back. As they get older, they start wanting more time with their friends etc. They certainly need a lot of parenting still, but you won't even see them through much of the working day.

Tbh, more than anything, it sounds like you just hate your job and want out. Managing people can be very stressful and sometimes the pressure gets too much, but opting out to be a SAHP is not really the solution. Looking for another role sounds like a good plan. Maybe reducing hours, although be careful as your DH may see that as a free pass to shift even more of the domestic burden on to you. He definitely needs to pull his weight at home, but it sounds like you need to have a discussion about what is a fair split.

Personally I would go part time instead.

If the kids were young, I would say the opposite but the kids will be in school all day & I think around 11 ish is when I stopped wanting to hang around with my parents. I remember swanning off and seeing my friends all the time.

If you need a break could you take a bit of time off, 3-4 weeks maybe? I realise not that easy in all jobs! I would take a bit of time off and return 3 days a week so you still have your own money etc.

@alexashutup, secondary school kids might need pick up and drop offs, especially if they have after school / evening sport /training/ rehearsal/debating etc. they have medical issues needing appointments and school forms to complete for various things and assignments they might need help with (not doing it, but taking them to the shop and buying materials), they have school camps and need gear - I work ft with young children and am aware this may not be so possible with secondary school children when I think it’s important to be there for them.

[quote timeisnotaline]@alexashutup, secondary school kids might need pick up and drop offs, especially if they have after school / evening sport /training/ rehearsal/debating etc. they have medical issues needing appointments and school forms to complete for various things and assignments they might need help with (not doing it, but taking them to the shop and buying materials), they have school camps and need gear - I work ft with young children and am aware this may not be so possible with secondary school children when I think it’s important to be there for them.[/quote]
Most NT secondary school kids get themselves to and from school, even if they have after school activities etc. At that age, they generally want to be independent and it's good for them. Yes, there is a lot of taxiing in the evenings for activities etc, but most of us just do that after work.

School forms etc can be completed in the evenings, weekends etc. Same for homework help and so on, though again, they should be more independent by that age. Medical appointments might be an issue for a disabled child with complex medical needs, but hardly a big deal for a healthy kid.

To be clear, I'm not saying that there is nothing to do as a parent of secondary aged children. Quite the contrary, there is plenty of parenting still to be done. It's just that you don't need to be at home during the school day to do it.

Healthy kids have lots of medical appts. I was a healthy active teen and needed dermatologist appts at times with 3 treatments a week. Healthy active teens wear glasses, have bad acne and other skin conditions, wear braces, play sport or games and break bones, have other conditions that don’t impede quality of life. They also eat a lot - the ops evenings sound as exhausting as her days if she is providing food for hungry kids, taxiing multiple ones around, checking in on homework, doing forms etcwhile her dh focusses on him.

I think part time might be best if your husband isn't in agreement with you taking time out.

If the kids were smaller I could understand you feeling the need to be at home with them or more available after school. But then everyone has different lives, so it may well give you more time with them by being at home.

What time do you finish work currently?
What is your pension situation ?
Is it for spending more time with kids or do you just not like your job and think it's time you had some time off ?

Also if it was simply to make your life less stressful that is a completely valid choice, you don't need to be the busiest person, life is for enjoying.
But I would check your personal circumstance first and if your DH doesn't want to be the only one working, it not fair for you to burden him with that. It's different if as a team you decide if for your MH, but not a one sided decision.

@timeisnotaline

Healthy kids have lots of medical appts. I was a healthy active teen and needed dermatologist appts at times with 3 treatments a week. Healthy active teens wear glasses, have bad acne and other skin conditions, wear braces, play sport or games and break bones, have other conditions that don’t impede quality of life. They also eat a lot - the ops evenings sound as exhausting as her days if she is providing food for hungry kids, taxiing multiple ones around, checking in on homework, doing forms etcwhile her dh focusses on him.

OK, whatever. I can only speak from my personal experience of parenting older dc, from seeing friends do the same and from managing many parents over the years.

If your healthy kids have tons of medical appointments, then I guess you're just extremely unlucky. For most working parents, it's just an occasional thing to work around.

I agree that the OP's DH needs to pull his weight, and said that in my earlier post. I just don't think that healthy NT secondary aged kids need a parent at home!