What to do? Sad and confused

[stuckandsad21]

Hiya,
Not sure how to even begin.
My husband and I are trying to conceive. Successful at start of the year but miscarried. Trying again but not sure if my husband is on board. He says he is but I’m not convinced. I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job. He’s constantly knackered and moans about children all the time.
Mumsnet and social media has also put me off motherhood. Nobody seems to bloody enjoy it and it petrifies me that this will be the case.
I feel so torn about what to do. Very 30s so feel time is not on my side.

It sounds like there are two issues here 1. Whether your husband wants to have children and 2. Whether you want to have children. Do you want them?

For what it's worth I'm a mother and I adore it. My DD makes me happier than I ever thought possible. It's tiring and changes many things about your life yes but it's certainly the best thing I've ever done and better than I could have imagined.

If you’re DH isn’t on board and you’re in two minds about it then it’s a pretty clear signal it’s not right to bring children into the relationship. Are you conflicted about remaining in the relationship?

Do you think some of these ambivalent feelings are protective because of the miscarriage. That's a tough thing to go through and it really hurts.
Your husband may also be shutting down a bit due to fear. What are his job and hobbies that cause him to moan about children?
When we were trying for children my DH went through a really tough time with depression I think doubting himself and how he'd cope but he's been amazing as a parent.

I think people talk about the negative side of parenting on forums because it's a safe place to let it out. I've loved almost everything about having my children and they are approaching secondary school now but I guess I wouldn't come on here and say that because it probably wouldn't be sensitive to people struggling.

An honest discussion is needs. Communication would be essential when parenting babies/children so being able to discuss ttc and how things would work when children would become a reality is needed before having them. Changes to your daily lives (including hobbies), finances, maternity leave, who will take off work when they’re ill, childcare expenses etc.

If you can’t have a discussion about ttc let alone those additional discussions, then thought really needs to be given to actually ttc

On the other hand, we are child free and don't regret it.

The thing is, many men haven't yet got on board with doing 50% of the wife work, so if you're being given signs he's not up for it, cant be arsed etc, and have a sense that youd be making your own life harder, think carefully.

I don't want to have to stay in every single night, not sleep, do much more housework and put three meals on the table every single day while feeling resentful that my partner is off out, again.

If you think your guy would be different crack on x

I think you might enjoy it with a a good man who is as much into children as you are. I think you have an idea what sort father your current partner would make and it's probably not a very positive one.

Maybe start again with a better man.

I’m not sure about anything’ anymore. I suppose I’ve sucked up all the negativity re parenthood. It’s all that seems to be spoken about. I’ve actually come off social media because of it. It’s all doom! It petrifies me.

Although I’m not questioning staying in my marriage. I 100% want to do that.

It's totally okay to not want children.
It can be a difficult thing to get your head around as we're heavily pressured by society to have them, it's ingrained in us that that's what we do.

But having children is a MASSIVE choice, the biggest responsibility you'll ever take on, the biggest financial burden and its irreversible.

Like they say; choosing to have kids is like choosing to get a tattoo on your forehead: you've got to really want it, and be very committed!

He is a good man. I’d not leave. He is willing to have a baby as doesn’t want to deny me.

But what an ask!! Maybe I need to really consider him. And not do it when he’s not appearing 100%. It would be selfish of me to do that. It’s not just me here.

Maybe stop trying for say 3-6 months and re evaluate?

Please please don't make a decision based on mumsnet. Come off it if you need to. It's not real life and it's not something to base real life decisions on - happy people don't post problems online. It's so easy to get sucked in but it's like a parallel universe sometimes.

That’s the thing @Bigtoejoe. I’ve been sucked in. And it is all that is swirling around my head.

When we got pregnant last year my partner happily stated that he didn’t think our lives would change that much and I laughed - a lot!

In reality his life hasn’t changed that much, he still goes to work and the default setting is that baby is with me even when he’s home. He does however look after us and pull his weight with housework.

I’m in my mid 30s and definitely worried about the massive change but I absolutely adore my little sidekick. He’s incredibly chilled and happy and I can’t imagine life without him. I’d definitely consider a second.

So I’d say think about what you want, it’s natural to worry about how things will change but also think about the gains. Everyone uses the internet to vent but my experience has been far more positive than not so far!

I agree with @Bigtoejoe please don't make this decision based on what you've read on Mumsnet!
I have a mid teen dc now & I hardly recognize some of the descriptions of parenthood as I see them on MN!

It's a huge leap into the unknown having a baby. It's certainly challenging but it is also undoubtedly the most surprising, rewarding & enjoyable thing I've ever done.

Having our child has been a pleasure & brings an entirely different dimension to our lives. I have absolutely zero regrets. That's not to say there haven't been moments of worry / stress along the way. Sleepless nights for various reasons etc & I'm worried about the not too distant future when we will have to let our previous child go to lead their own life & I equally dread & anticipate this now.

You hace a good marriage & a good husband. Miscarriage is HARD (we've been there) and it can take time to get over. The key is to keep talking. Keep talking even when it's tough to do so. Keep telling each other how you're feeling & be honest with each other.

Good luck OP whatever you decide together

You don't have to have children but some of us bloody love it, we just don't shout as loud as those that don't. Sorry about your miscarriage, that's rough.

Have you thought about taking to a therapist to counsellor to make sense of this? It could be that you’re scared by everything you’ve read (which tends to show the negatives unbalanced by the positives), or, as op says, this is a way of guarding your heart against future miscarriage or struggle to conceive?

Either way, you need to be sure one way or the other. Having children is a big step but so is not having them. The decision needs to be right for you.

Precious not previous! Stupid auto correct

Haha @HaroldTheHare. Autocorrect is funny.

Yeah, I do believe what happened at the start of the year has been so impacting. I’m actually having counselling about the whole damn thing.
This is such a difficult choice - regardless of what is decided and I’m not confident with either way.

I think you need to work through what you want . Not just whether you want a child (yes/no) but under what circumstances.
Are you happy to have a child if you have to take on the burden of most/all of the childcare?
Are you happy to cut your hours at work to accomodate a child?
Would you be happy to do every early morning?
Every drop off/collection from childcare?
Are you happy for most of the housework and all of the child-related admin to become your responsibility?

Once you know where your boundaries are you can talk to your dh about what you need from him in order to go forward. Probably more than 1 sperm.

MN is basically a modern day problem page! You can't base your decision on what you read on here.

That said, it's perfectly fine not to have kids if that's what you both want. I think you should stop TTC just for a few months and really dig deep, have some discussions about what difference they'll make to your lives (both positive and negative) and go from there. Don't TTC just because you think it's the done thing/what's expected. It's down to what you and he want out of life.

Hi @stuckandsad21
Im sorry to hear your feeling sad and confused and even more sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
I think you need to maybe take a breather from trying, have a long chat with hubby and give yourself some time to consider if you want children.
As for social media being negative…somebody had raised a great point that Mumsnet and other platforms are a safe space where parents can vent etc!
For me, my child is now high school age, being a mum is amazing. It’s the best thing I’ve done. However… I chose to only have one child. Completely personal choose that me and husband are happy with but…. Even now with a teenager im constantly questioned if we will have another!!! Im wondering if your feeling pressured from society? As in you feel you should have children!!!? I also agree with the comment that perhaps this is a coping mechanism after the trauma of a miscarriage.
I hope things become clearer for you soon xx

Me and my husband had a similar experience to you. We tried for a bit, had a miscarriage and then my husband wasn't keen to try again. Im mid 40s now and regret not having them. I think about it every single day. I agreed with my husband at the time because I'd read so many negative things like you. But now there's an emptiness. I'm not at all unhappy and perhaps have a better life than many of my friends with younger children but when you get older, family is everything and that's when it'll truly hit me.

Obviously I have no idea how I'd of felt if I'd had them. I can only tell you how I feel now. I have friends who genuinely don't enjoy it that much. I can't cope with lack of sleep anymore like I used to and I have a difficult job so maybe I'd have been tired as grumpy all the time. Sorry if this has confused you even more. I think if you want one, you should try. Your husband will adapt.

Sorry for your loss

"I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job."
Hobbies plural - how many hobbies does he have and how much time do they take? Is he willing to stop/reduce this if he becomes a father?
And how many hours a week does he work? Will he be willing to take paternity leave, any parental leave, to adjust working days/times to do childcare and school runs, to take time off if the child is unwell, or will that all fall to you?

Most parents do make adjustments to their lives after having a child, but unfortunately there are some fathers who don't. You need to have a very honest conversation with your husband about whether he really wants to be a father and whether he's willing to make changes.

I have two young children, DH and I both definitely wanted children, and he pulls his weight - still, it's bloody hard work. I feel that it's worth it to me. However I absolutely respect people who choose not to do it! If you decide you don't want it that's fine too.

How important is it to you to have children? How would you feel 20 years down the line if you were no longer married and didn't have children?

With parenting its good to go into it with realistic expectations about it and how hard it is. Just assume you won't get decent sleep for at least a year plus. Accept that your free time that you are so used to will be non-existent for many years. Accept that going out in the evenings is unlikely to happen for a long time...
Ok I've made parenting sound terrible 🤣

Honestly, most people feel the rewards and couldn't imagine their life any other way. If they didn't then people wouldn't have more than one!

I have two kids and my first was a dream baby. Bottle fed, slept well, didn't need to be held to fall asleep.... The first few months were rough as he fed every 4 hours, but soon enough he was sleeping through. My second I breastfed and she was hard work! Always wanted to be on the boob, always wanted to be held. Liked to cry for no reason! She breastfed for a year and a half and for a year and a half I was lucky to get a sleep stretch of 3hrs before she would be wanting another feed. Got worse when I went back to work when she was 9 months and she was no longer getting a breast fed in the day, meant she wanted feeding every hour. But I copied. I didn't over think it, I didn't wish her away, I didn't spent my time thinking about what my life was like before kids. I just got on with it. I knew it wouldn't last forever. Its easier when you just accept it is what it is.

Son is 8 and still easy going, daughter is now 3 and a wonderful little girl. I am truely blessed with my children. Both getting to the age where they can cope not being in my shadow (at least 20% of the time anyway!) So I could chill and read a book for a bit if I wanted to etc. They are a good age to send to parents for a night so can get a night out with husband.

So don't be put of parenting. Just remember that the hard graft doesn't last forever. I've been contemplating a third but as husband has had the snip that's ship has sailed! But if he hadn't we would probably go for a third! Lol

I won't lie if I could go back and not remember the children I would consider it. There are days I have to fall out of bed just to get out. I'm constantly tired and strugglin with the constant whining and screaming

I just know there are brighter days ahead as I also love my kids dearly and they bring me the most happiness I've ever felt.

Before my kids I was an empty shell wanting something to fill it but now I have the most amazing family ever no matter how hard life got