What to do? Sad and confused

[stuckandsad21]

Hiya,
Not sure how to even begin.
My husband and I are trying to conceive. Successful at start of the year but miscarried. Trying again but not sure if my husband is on board. He says he is but I’m not convinced. I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job. He’s constantly knackered and moans about children all the time.
Mumsnet and social media has also put me off motherhood. Nobody seems to bloody enjoy it and it petrifies me that this will be the case.
I feel so torn about what to do. Very 30s so feel time is not on my side.

@SmashingBlouson

It really depends what your life would look like after maternity leave. Are you both still going to be working full-time? Are you both healthy and will be able to cope financially? Does your other half have it in him to muck in and help, or will he be the second child?

Do you have family who will be supportive and can you manage if they turn out to not be? This happened to us with our second child and they liked to tell everyone how great they are as grandparents, but the reality is they barely see the kids or even ask about them, and if my OH goes to see them, just moan about everything and how hard done by they are (and breaaathe!)

I do feel quite negative about being a parent a lot. Both of my kids were breastfed and like squiglet111 has said, I have found them both quite demanding. You don't get much advice with BF and setting good habits, and the advice for weaning off the breast is non-existent. It can create some resentment not being able to sit down without getting your boobs out for a child to latch onto.

It is also incredibly stressful holding down a FT job each, but still not really managing to get anywhere in life as childcare costs take a lot of our earnings. We are still renting and it feels like hard, hard work for nothing. I feel rather like a service android and I miss my old relationship with DP. What helps is we try to give each other an hour or so a couple of times a week for our hobbies.

If it came down to it I would still have my children, but it is knowing that they will grow up a bit and hopefully be more independent that is keeping me sane. I think if I stopped at one I would be happier now, but if I hadn't had two kids I might be feeling negative anyway in a couple of years - I'm glad my son has a sibling. The early years are tough and you miss so much by not being "present" as a parent as your life is a big to do list. My parents and other relatives seem to enjoy our kids more than we do. It's sad, but we are just so bloody knackered.

I think there are people out there who aren't so keen on the baby stage, but do get into parenting the older they get. That might be what is going on now. Unfortunately you can't by pass the sleepless nights or terrible twos.

My number one piece of advice to any new parent (who asks) is that if they're planning to BF they should still ensure their baby gets used to a bottle early on, so that they can either combo feed or pump and give expressed milk and share feedings. I have so many friends who literally couldn't go out more than an hour or two away from their baby for the longest time due to being EBF bottle refusers. Friends who have ended up doing every single night feed because they had the breasts while their partner slept soundly. Friends who now have toddlers that don't want to wean while they're just absolutely done with it. Situations where baby ends up almost solely preferring mum above anyone else because the boob is their main way of receiving comfort. It's fine if you're okay with that but I've spoken to so many people who've sleepwalked into EBF and ended up utterly miserable feeling trapped while friends who combo or formula feed or express have that bit of extra freedom, rest and sleep.

They don't breathe a word of the potential downsides of EBF at NHS feeding classes, but there are so many.

I still find it really painful to talk about in real life. Its just so much more complicated than simply deciding not to have them and being certain in that decision. I dont feel any animosity towards my husband. He's a wonderful man. Whether I will resent him more later in life, I cant say. Having a dog helps a lot. Something to love and extra life in the house.
I personally think a lot of men aren't certain they want children and they go along with what their wives want. They find it hard to adjust at first and kind of morn for their old life. But then that changes and they love being dad's and most wouldn't change it. I dont think your husbands lack of enthusiasm should be the deciding factor. He's not said no. Very few people regret having children. People may moan on here about how hard it is but they still think its worth it. I moan about my dog sometimes but the joy he brings far outweighs the difficult bits.

Thanks @Jurassicparkinajug. You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s not just about deciding not to do it. That’ decision for some is heartbreaking. I’m sick to my stomach about making that final choice. I’ve got my pill pack beside me to start taking it again.

Funnily enough, I’ve also looked at dogs online this morning too!

Personally I think if you are not sure then you probably should not have any.

I also think better to regret not having children than regret having them. So many of my friends regret having children and it's not just a passing phase as they all almost all have grown up children.

Totally agree WeatherForecast. My OH has only got up when my son's became unsettled and I was so tired I just ended up shouting out of frustration,which isn't the earth mother bonding experience idea that they peddle with BF. It wasn't my OH fault - he doesn't have lactating boobs. I spent the first year back at work after maternity leave utterly dead on my arse and barely functioning both times, the first time around doing 14 hour shifts in what is sometimes a dangerous environment. My son never really got into a decent sleep pattern as he didn't sleep without the boob and I got home at 9:30pm. I also had no private space to pump, regularly having my colleagues and clients ignoring the signs I put up and walk in on me pumping in the "private" room. I had an hour break in my 14 hour shift which was spent trying to pump and shovel food in my mouth, while looking over my shoulder to check someone wasn't walking in on me.

Breastfeeding just isn't compatible with modern working life. They berate people who give it up early, but the truth is there is a lack of strategy about making it work for people, and recognizing women's lives have changed from the time they spent their days in the home.

It sounds very negative, but I think this issue, along with the other stuff parents are too afraid to discuss needs to be raised. There seems to be very little support for parents these days, especially ones that work full time.

I really do feel for people who are struggling in this sort of situation but it really is all I read and see.
It doesn’t seem that parents are afraid to discuss issues. Quite the opposite in fact.

As someone without children it makes me sad to see. It’ makes me incredibly afraid. I appreciate that parents should share but there are people out there who haven’t got there yet and it puts the fear of death into them!!

I didn’t want a baby but my husband really did. My main motivation was I didn’t was us to be alone so I went for it aged 34. My expectations were extremely low. But my experience has been wonderful, it’s tiring but you love them so very much, it’s a very deep conviction you just know you’d die for your child without a second thought. I’ve had a poorly 2 year old for 2 days who won’t sleep and just changed a disgusting nappy but my little boy gets up and says ‘thanks mum mum’ I just love him so very much. I will point out though that I don’t work and have a lot of help. My DH is co parent when he’s not at work it’s shared equal apart from nights, he does a lot with DS. I also have a great mum and sister who are always there for me. So I would say support for me has been what’s made my experience easier that and my low expectations of motherhood. If your DH not really up for it a lot is going to fall of you, I’ve got a lot of time for single parents I don’t know how they do it. X

@CassandraTrotter

I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job. He’s constantly knackered and moans about children all the time Have you actually sat down and had a conversation about this? Asked him what the first year will look like for you both? Asked him how you will share sick days and holidays? How you will shared drop offs and pick ups? How you will share free time?

This.

What is the division of labour in your lives to date?

If you do everything and he is happy with that, you most likely have a problem.

Men who don't share the load pre children with lots of hobbies invariably don't change hugely or rarely do.

This causes huge problems in relationships as raising children without support is exhausting.

I’ve loved being a mum. It has genuinely been the most fun I’ve ever had and I’ve had some glam jobs with posh travel and parties etc. I love spending time with someone who adores me and watching her grow and learn new stuff. I love the thrill she gets from simple discoveries and I also really like all the bouncy castle play farm swimming etc. I found grown-up ‘pub’ life kinda dull.

I’ve been saddened by the negativity online about mothering, particularly on Mumsnet (although to be fair Mumsnet is negative about everything). I guess people only tend to post on social media when they’re down.

I wonder if the people who don’t enjoy parenting perhaps expected the baby to fit in with their lives and everything to carry on as usual. They expected sleep and for their career to be unaffected. That doesn’t work. But if you want to transform your life and spend a few years with someone who worships you to the extent that they cry if you pop to the loo, and don’t mind missing sleep for a while, it is incredible.

I hear you, OP. I'm at the stage where we should be having kids which is why I joined MN a while ago. I always assumed I will have them and it was a no brainer. But now it's go time and I'm really anxious and told DP I want to hold off. It's not just mumsnet, it's everyone in real life. EVERYONE is moaning about it day in day out. Every single parent complains about how shit it is, how it takes over your whole life etc. The women who have kids in my office have to work till 1am after the kids are in bed to catch up on work. It's becoming increasingly obvious that I can't both have a career and a child.

So my body and fitness is going to go to shit (and it's hard enough to maintain anyway!), I have to give up the career that I have worked 10 years to build and which cost me my first marriage, I have to become financially dependent on a man, have no time for myself, risk having a disabled child, not be able to travel the way I want to etc. It's so shit. I can't see any positives - well, I see the long term positive of having grown up kids, I know I can send them to boarding school (though how will I have money for that if I have to give up my career in the first place?!) BUT I see nothing good in the short to medium term. Add to that that I am both a perfectionist and a person who worries about EVERYTHING, I'm genuinely scared having a child will turn me into an emotional wreck. If I have kids, it'll be because of fear of missing out.

I’m sorry you’re surrounded by people who are so negative about parenting. Have you ever tried asking them what they love about it? To be honest I feel like even if you know about the bad stuff, when you truly want a child you feel ready to take it on and it doesn’t dissuade you. If you’re unsure then you’re likely to be put off. I expected sleepless nights, sick, the agony of birth and stress of breastfeeding, I expected that I wouldn’t have any free time to myself for months at least, that my schedule would be down to a child’s routine, the tantrums, cleaning up food from the floor three or four times per day. And I wanted every single bit of it. I used to simmer with absolute green eyed envy when I’d see parents with shrieking tantrumming toddlers in the supermarket. I wanted so badly to be that parent.

And it’s been everything I could ever have dreamed of and more. I absolutely thrive on the fact that when DS is having a tantrum in Tesco and screaming I get to be the one there to support him and guide him through it, to be the one he looks to to model calm empathy, to be the one people are looking at with sympathy or judgment, I don’t care. I honestly carry him out under my arm writhing around with the biggest smile because I finally got what I wanted so badly and it’s absolute sheer heaven.

I think if you’re unsure whether you want one or not or the bad experiences of others put you off, it’s probably not right for you.

I also was desperate for stretch marks, gutted I didn’t get any! I have a permanent birth injury and my breasts are empty but I relish the changes to my body as a memento of what I was able to experience. I was lucky to only be sick a few times per week but I loved every single time. I just loved it all and wish I could express how incredibly being a parent is to me. It doesn’t feel possible I could have ever gotten so lucky as to do this.

I promise you I’m not alone, I know so many people who are so thrilled to be parents and speak so highly of the experience. I’m not trying to persuade you as it sounds like a bad idea to have a child given everything that’s been said, I’m just trying to show that not everyone talks solely negatively about parenting.

I didn't enjoy being sick and i would rather not have stetchmarks but i love being a parent!
I am coming out the other end with my youngest just about to hit 18 and i would go back and do it all again in a heartbeat.

It’s so hard making the decision. I read and read people’s experiences, both positive and negative, but know that mine would be different too. I think I’m ultimately beginning to accept that whichever I do, I will wonder how the other option would have been.

@stuckandsad21. This is kinda similar (ish) to
me. I feel for where you are at. It’s so important to have a partner onboard.

My husband has hobbies too. He’d hate having to alter these for a child. He moans about kids a lot too. Generally doesn’t like them.
Deciding to childfree is huge. It’s not just the case for some that it’s an easy choice. I agree when you say it is heartbreaking.

Another factor is how much help you would get from family. If you have a good support network close by, it would make a huge difference. My friends who have that found it much easier. My friends who didn't (including me) found it much harder.

And yes, all stories I hear about being a parent are negative as hell. It’s too much sometimes. It’s constant moaning.

No real support network for us. We realise that could be a game changer.

I got pregnant by surprise rather than planning.
I didn’t work, Dh was unemployed, we were deep in debt having just come out of a house we sold whilst in negative equity and having blown through our savings paying 22% interest rates from the early 90s and Dh being unemployed for a couple of years.

If anything it was the worse time in the world that I should have got pregnant but I was late 30s and it was now or ever.

Spent the first 5 months of pregnancy with my head down the loo and the last 4 months drinking 12 litres of milk per day to ward off heartburn.
I did wonder what the f**k we were doing.

Then Dh a month before I gave birth got a job that meant he would be travelling between 2-3 weeks each month.

We had no family, no friends (they all dropped us when they found out I was pregnant) We had moved areas and we didn’t know anyone.

Dd was born and I was the happiest person in the world. Had Ds the following year.
They had an amazing childhood and I had an amazing time as a parent. I have been places, done things and met people that I could never have believed
Dh was away so much but it became easier when he wasn’t here.
They have saved my life literally.

If I imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t have children I am sure I would have gone on a few more holidays. Although we have never skimped on going away. But overall I think I would have been bored.

Having children might be hard work but it is never boring.
You can plan and agonise over the decision but all I can say is when your child puts their arms around you and give you their tightest hug and they say “I love you mummy” it is the best feeling in the world and everything else just falls away. Even now they are both adults and tower over me.
I can only tell you my experience.

Ultimately Mumsnet is about if you have problems with your child, family etc and want to vent. Not to say how wonderful being a parent is.

I do think you need to know your Dh is on board with having a child. Saying he will if you want isn’t a definitive answer.
Is it because if he says he really wants a child he might just jinx the pregnancy by saying what he wants out loud or is he really that ambivalent that he isn’t that bothered.

I think you need to make the decision based on what feels right for you s it is you alone who will have to live with the decision. Your Dh can leave and become a father in his 50s, 60s 70s or even 80s.

Thanks so much @Bythemillpond. A ray of sunshine on Mumsnet! I think you are right, Mumsnet is used primarily for venting which is fine but then mugs like me come along and soak it all up. It’s really clouded my judgement.

@stuckandsad21 we live 3 hours from family & when I was 7 mths pregnant we moved out of the city flat we'd been living in & into a house in the country.
We knew no one in the area at all.
We were amongst the first of our friends to have a baby so there wasn't much support there either as they just didn't understand, not having been through it.

My contract ended just before dc was born & I planned to take a year at home. Dh us self employed in a precarious industry so money was at times tight.
Once that tiny baby was in our arms absolutely none of that mattered! We became our own family, our own world for a while. And it was so wonderful.
Yes there were sleepless nights, yes we were tired, yes breastfeeding was hard going to establish, but all that paled into insignificance when our baby smiled gummily at us or snuggled in or giggled..

I ended up staying at home for over 5 years because I loved it so much. Then I went back to work

I can only tell you our experience & it's not something i'd usually write about on mn because as others have already said it's usually a place where people come to vent their problems

Speak to your dh. Talk about how you both see your futures together & what that looks like.

One final thing I'll say is that we adapted to becoming a family with a dc but it truly did not stop us from living a wonderful life. We travelled a lot, long haul & short haul with dc from 9 mths & it's never once been a problem.

@HaroldTheHare. Thanks! Delighted to hear another positive story. I know life is about balance but Mumsnet is definitely to the negative. I’ve needed that to be pointed out to me.

Like I’ve said it’s important to have a space to vent though.

I love being a mum. But don't think I would as much if husband wasn't on board, being a lovely dad and husband. You need to have a frank, honest chat with him before you continue x

I think some of the people you are reading these stories from (myself included) are very much working parents who aren't in an ideal position (housing issues, not getting anywhere materially, not getting on with DP, health issues etc) or have kids at a difficult age. Some might be SAHP's who do all of the childcare and domestic stuff and feel a bit trapped. The way you feel fluctuates about your kids - last night when my toddler was being difficult, I didn't like him much, but other times he is hilarious and an absolute joy. It was the same with my eldest when he was younger. He is a dream now he's older! I wish my youngest was his age.

I opted to spend 10 years of my life with a child under five. Same with teenagers. If you only have one child it will be far less time in the more challenging stages of parenting, and much more manageable. You are probably hearing from people with 2+ kids and it is much harder when you have more than one child, especially if you have lots of challenges and stress outside of parenting. I think the key thing here is if you have support from your partner. It might be a case that you agree what is expected of each other in the more difficult years. If he wants three hours a week for his hobbies, you have the same and you both organise when this is. Same with division of cleaning/cooking. Maybe try this out now to see if your OH is committed, or just nods, ignores, then accuses you of nagging.

I believe this too. I think having 2 + kids would be incredibly challenging. The logistics of it must be so consuming and demanding. And expensive!
My husband and I realise that it would also be a balancing act with 1. We definitely wouldn’t be going in with rose tinted glasses.

I really appreciate your responses.