What to do? Sad and confused

[stuckandsad21]

Hiya,
Not sure how to even begin.
My husband and I are trying to conceive. Successful at start of the year but miscarried. Trying again but not sure if my husband is on board. He says he is but I’m not convinced. I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job. He’s constantly knackered and moans about children all the time.
Mumsnet and social media has also put me off motherhood. Nobody seems to bloody enjoy it and it petrifies me that this will be the case.
I feel so torn about what to do. Very 30s so feel time is not on my side.

@Jurassicparkinajug. I get that. That is my fear that I’ll get to my mid 40s and feel like you do now. But like you say, who knows how you would have felt if you’d actually did have a child. How does your husband feel now? How do you feel towards him?

There does feel like there is an emptiness to my life right now. I’m like my job, have good friends but that’s it.

I believe too there is nothing wrong at all about not having a child. I see why it is attractive. We’d have a great lifestyle. But is that enough?

Ffs

Maybe your husband doesn't want to get his hopes up as the first was a miscarriage. Probably wants to make clear he's happy either way so it doesn't put pressure on you?

@stuckandsad21 totally understandable that you are feeling this way. Slightly different situation but I wasn’t convinced that DH wanted another baby even though he said he was on board. I’ve just had a miscarriage and it really does mess with your head. We had lots of brief chats where I could tell he wasn’t completely opening up and then had a long chat about it.

My life was so much easier before kids. Lie ins, getting out the house, meeting friends etc. BUT it is also so much fun. They are bloody hilarious and having a small person look up to you is a special feeling.

There is no right or wrong thing to do. Maybe a calm, honest conversation would be a good place to start?

Thank you all for being so kind. I could cry.

Why isn’t this an easier choice! Some women just seem to know. Yes or no. That’s it. Boom. Not scrambling around trying to decide.

We'll stop trying to conceive and take contraceptive measures until you figure out what you want. It's a perfectly normal valid choice to not have children. I'm in my sixties and have a handful of women friends who've never wanted them and who lead full generous interesting lives. They've been able to develop themselves and their careers and make fantastic contributions to the general good and to their communities. They are happy fulfilled people. I also know of women who really struggle with parenting children and who are so relieved when they start to get their independence back.
Your OH comes across as someone who does not want to be a parent.

I’m not sure how a baby would fit in our lives due to his hobbies and job. He’s constantly knackered and moans about children all the time
Have you actually sat down and had a conversation about this? Asked him what the first year will look like for you both? Asked him how you will share sick days and holidays? How you will shared drop offs and pick ups? How you will share free time?

I agree that social media /Mumsnet is not a true reflection of every parents experience. People don't create posts about how wonderful and easy parenting is. They would get ripped to shreds for bragging! Lol! And would not be in the right taste to talk about how easy you find parenting on thread where the op is having a crisis and finds things very hard. So you wouldn't see balance experiences on threads like those.

I don't regret having my son for a second. He's brought me great joy and now as a young adult, continues to do so. I did it mostly alone too, since his DF preferred the company of multiple OWs to me. Still don't regret having my son

@joystir59. I don’t think he wants to be a parent either. He likes his life exactly the way it is.

I think most of the work would fall into my lap.

@DianeCherry. Sorry that was your experience with your child’s father.

I’m now sat at my desk (working from home) ironically blubbering like a baby.

This is so overwhelming.

If you’re not 100% sure then it’s a big gamble to take with three different lives. Is there anyone you are close to that you can spend time with and get first hand experience?

@stuckandsad21 what was your dh's reaction like when you were pregnant before the miscarriage? Was he happy? Excited?
Had you both planned that pregnancy & had chats before hand about having a baby?
Just trying to see if he's always felt ambivalent or if it might be a reaction to the awful sadness of losing a baby through miscarriage

Aww. I'm sorry you can't decide.

This is different, but when I was deciding on a 3rd, I was umming and ahhhing too much but when I was trying for my first 2, I was 100%. This to me was an indicator that I didn't actually want a third, so I found peace in that.

I think either you want one or you don't. Doesn't matter want anyone on here or anywhere says. Ultimately if you want something so strongly, you'd ignore all the negativity around you.

Sorry about your miscarriage. I'm glad you're getting counselling. Maybe your husband is protecting himself & you at the same time. Xx

An open discussion is needed definitely.

Not everyone dislikes parenthood. I don’t dislike my children. I live then with everything I have. Mid definitely due for them. It’s just that it’s hard. There’s no east stage. Babyhood is hard physically and mentally. The toddler years are tricky. The teenage years are really tough.

My eldest is severely disabled. For over 20 years life has been tough. That’s not going to get any easier. He’ll need us 24/7 for the rest of our lives. We don’t go out, have holidays or any sort of life really. That has put a downer on parenthood for us. Our other children have missed out and are spoilt with money as a result. There a lot to think about when you want children . However for all the bad bits children bring you lots of joy. I’m not a gushy parent but I’m super proud of them all.

It’s not for everyone. My sister is happily child free. She has a lovely life. Loads of holidays, very little stress etc but she’s absolutely loaded which helps! She doesn’t regret nit having children. She’s very honest that she doesn’t really like them!

Gosh so many typos! Yin get the gist

OP, I think in your case it's best not to have a baby. You won't do yourself and a child no favors if you have one with a man who is not into it. Willing to have one for your sake really doesn't cut it anymore. He will have to be actively involved in raising it.

I think you have to have a lot of soul-searching conversations with your husband.

The reality is, even if you’re happy in your relationship now - it’s very likely that having a baby would put intolerable strain on it if your husband isn’t on board. Having a baby sucks everything from you to begin with, and while it does absolutely get easier you have to survive those first few months of adjusting to the fact that you and your spouse are no longer one another’s first priority.

If your husband is ambivalent about having a baby, he will likely be resentful of the fact that you can’t / don’t put him first any more. And nothing can prepare you for how much work it is, and how much you will resent your partner if he doesn’t pull his weight and be an equal parent.

I say this because my husband is an incredibly committed and doting father, who easily does his share without prompting, and we have still had moments of resentment and difficulty. Luckily only moments, but I can see just how awful it would be if he didn’t pull his weight.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding children aren’t for you. It doesn’t make you less of a family, it doesn’t make you unfulfilled or mean your life is empty. You and your husband are complete individuals with purpose and value regardless of whether or not you have children.

Equally, there’s nothing wrong with you deciding you do want children. They can be a source of enormous love, joy and fulfilment. It’s absolutely ok to want that.

But you need lots of open, honest and deep conversations with your husband. Is he reluctant because of the miscarriage, or because of the whole idea of children? Does he want them for himself, or to please you? Would he do his share, willingly and freely and because he knows it’s his responsibility to his child, and not as a favour to you? Would he see the work as your job because you were the one who wanted a baby? Would he hold it over you when times get rough because this was your choice not his? Etc etc. Once you’ve really delved into this, you’ll hopefully be in a better position to decide what’s right for the both of you.

Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate it.

I think I now need to take myself away though.xx

I was going to ask if he wants a child and is actually willing ans wanting to parent but it seems you've answered that saying most of it will fall to you.

I would advise having a seriois conversation with him about if he eants it and what your expectations are 50/50.

As a mum who parents 50/50 all i can say is it is fucking hard and i am irritated more than half the time because there is so little time for yourself, even headspace, because someone elses needs always come first. I wouldnt sign up to do it solo in a million years. I think you will 100% resent him if he isnt doing a fair share and your relationship will only survive if you basically let him do what he wants. Which you might think you can now but once a baby arrives that baby will be your new No1 and as they grow and turn into a child and you spend weekend after weekend seeing him piss off doing his hobby and leaving it to you and assuming you will sort child sick days and nights because he is off working you will lose all respect for him. It will also give you the rage when you start worry8ng that this little person will start picking up that daddy would rather be off cycling or hiding in the shed or whatever than have a family day out.

So basically have a conversation with him about expectations so you can make a really informed decision.

@Bigtoejoe

Please please don't make a decision based on mumsnet. Come off it if you need to. It's not real life and it's not something to base real life decisions on - happy people don't post problems online. It's so easy to get sucked in but it's like a parallel universe sometimes.

^ this. Honestly I mainly come here for a moan, when things are good I’m not on the internet

But to go back to your issue:

• can you talk to someone about your feelings re the miscarriage, it’s not a small thing and may make you feel ambivalent about pregnancy
• use this time to assess if you actually want a child, & discourses with your husband how it would work in practice
• lastly, just because others have kids doesn’t mean you have to, it’s not for everyone and tbh all the mums I know IRL moan a lot too… having 1 child only seems to make it easier!

Xx

People often only share the downsides of parenting as it looks like bragging otherwise. I have the most angelic toddler in the world. He was really difficult for the first six months due to poor sleep and I found it incredibly hard. But since sorting his sleep out, it's been a breeze. Not an hour goes by without me looking at him and just marvelling that I managed to grow him and get to raise him. I love the snot, the being weed on, I love the tantrums SO much, I love everything about being his mother. I suspected I'd like parenting but I couldn't have predicted how intensely I'd love it. It's been the biggest dream come true of my life, and every day is like living in my wildest dreams. Even the tough parts are heaven because I wanted to be a mother so much and still can't quite believe I'm actually HIS mother, it feels too good to be true.

Would I say all of that publicly? Not really, as it looks like I'm bragging about how easy I've got it! And it's saccharine. You have no way of knowing how you'll find parenting until you're doing it and that's the gamble. I have friends who deeply regret having had kids because they've ended up in a really difficult situation. You can't undo it, and that's scary.

That's a separate issue to whether your DH actually wants one though, and whether YOU actually want one. If you can afford it I'd really recommend accessing some couples therapy through Relate to discuss this properly, maybe just a couple of sessions with a third party. You need some certainty here, with such a big thing. Is he grieving your loss and afraid of it happening again, or does he actually not want a child? You gotta be certain about this, it's another life.

It really depends what your life would look like after maternity leave. Are you both still going to be working full-time? Are you both healthy and will be able to cope financially? Does your other half have it in him to muck in and help, or will he be the second child?

Do you have family who will be supportive and can you manage if they turn out to not be? This happened to us with our second child and they liked to tell everyone how great they are as grandparents, but the reality is they barely see the kids or even ask about them, and if my OH goes to see them, just moan about everything and how hard done by they are (and breaaathe!)

I do feel quite negative about being a parent a lot. Both of my kids were breastfed and like squiglet111 has said, I have found them both quite demanding. You don't get much advice with BF and setting good habits, and the advice for weaning off the breast is non-existent. It can create some resentment not being able to sit down without getting your boobs out for a child to latch onto.

It is also incredibly stressful holding down a FT job each, but still not really managing to get anywhere in life as childcare costs take a lot of our earnings. We are still renting and it feels like hard, hard work for nothing. I feel rather like a service android and I miss my old relationship with DP. What helps is we try to give each other an hour or so a couple of times a week for our hobbies.

If it came down to it I would still have my children, but it is knowing that they will grow up a bit and hopefully be more independent that is keeping me sane. I think if I stopped at one I would be happier now, but if I hadn't had two kids I might be feeling negative anyway in a couple of years - I'm glad my son has a sibling. The early years are tough and you miss so much by not being "present" as a parent as your life is a big to do list. My parents and other relatives seem to enjoy our kids more than we do. It's sad, but we are just so bloody knackered.

I think there are people out there who aren't so keen on the baby stage, but do get into parenting the older they get. That might be what is going on now. Unfortunately you can't by pass the sleepless nights or terrible twos.