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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to completely cut her off?!

59 replies

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 21:53

So. Long story short, I have had a nightmare of a day.

A group of us recently booked to go out somewhere in a week and a half. think clubbing but more on the crazy side! Throwing drinks / food, getting people up on stage etc etc. We have been a few years ago and it was a good, fun night socially - but not really my scene. I don't like clubbing and don't drink, so it didn't do much for me!

Fast forward to now, and we booked it again as a friend was desperate to go. I think I got kind of swept up in it all and decided to go ahead with it as everyone else wanted to go, too.

Just logged into Facebook this morning to see that the place we are going have just recently had a large covid outbreak, but they are claiming it's under control snd the event will still be going ahead.

Last time we went to this event, there was 2.5k people there. If isn't small! The more I thought about this the more anxious I got. I do have medicated anxiety.
I decided it isn't worth the risk, it's a covid hot spot and the people there are not going to be distancing. I will feel very uncomfortable going! So I decided to text the group to explain this.

Long story short, 'friend' has kicked off big time, calling me all the names under the sun, m flakey apparently for not wanting to go. I've explained that I feel anxious about it and that I know my limits when it comes to my anxiety. She's told me to man up, go and see what it's like.. but I've tried to explain to her that I really don't think I can. It's terrifying me.

This isn't the first time she's been this way. Completely rude and uncalled for, and I just can't take much more of it.

I suppose I'm asking - would I be unreasonable to cut her off now? I've absolutely had enough.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/07/2021 21:58

Cut her off.

But that weekend sounds hideous!

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:02

@Nanny0gg doesn't it! I think as I say, she's been like this multiple times before and although it makes me sound very weak, it's easier for me to nod and agree snd go ahead with it than it is to cancel or not go.. but the more I think about it honestly the more anxious I get. We paid for our tickets (sent her the money to get them) and she's refusing to give us our money back, so I asked for the reference number so I can call the venue and explain and she won't give us that either.. I don't know where I stand but ultimately I feel I'm going to have to wave goodbye to my money!

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 25/07/2021 22:02

I wouldn’t want to go either, but I wouldn’t cut her off. Everyone is different. I’d be surprised if you weren’t the only one in your group with reservations about going to a club at the moment.

Ifixfastjets · 25/07/2021 22:03

She is not your friend

GrrRightBackAtYou · 25/07/2021 22:04

YANBU.
She isn’t much of a friend. A friend wouldn’t kick off because you didn’t want to go out.
A friend, after you had explained why you didn’t want to go, would have said how it was a shame….it wouldn’t be the same without you…..sorry to hear you are struggling with the anxiety of it all etc etc.
Not unreasonable to cut her off at all.

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:04

@Mindymomo I've kept VERY reserved in my post as it's easily outing. But to be honest, this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how she acts towards me, and the things she says, I think I'm just absolutely fed up and worn down by it.

OP posts:

CrouchEndTiger12 · 25/07/2021 22:05

A group of us recently booked to go out somewhere in a week and a half. think clubbing but more on the crazy side!

Why do people do this...think clubbing.

The odds are you being identified are slim to none.

Clubs were my idea of hell even at university. You both sound pretty childish tbh.

Ring up the venue yourself and they will be able to trace it with the details given.

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:06

@CrouchEndTiger12 unfortunately there is very little I can say without this being really easily identifiable so I've had to be very vague.. I personally don't think I've been childish about this at all, simply explained how I feel about the situation but she's been awful about it all.

OP posts:

chillied · 25/07/2021 22:12

right now, people are cancelling stuff all over the place. if something goes ahead as planned that's more the surprise. I've cancelled arrangements. Doesn't even have to be fear of getting covid, plenty of people are cancelling because of fear of being asked to self isolate. OR, actually because they have been asked to self isolate.

So bailing out of this terrible sounding event should be no biggie. You're not preventing anyone else going.

I'd certainly feel free to ignore your "friend"

EmoIsntDead · 25/07/2021 22:12

[quote shipwreckedd]@CrouchEndTiger12 unfortunately there is very little I can say without this being really easily identifiable so I've had to be very vague.. I personally don't think I've been childish about this at all, simply explained how I feel about the situation but she's been awful about it all. [/quote]
How can it be that identifying if 2.5k people were at the last event?

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:13

They do multiple events all across the uk, but 'friend' uses this platform so I'm not going any further into that.

OP posts:

noimaginationatall · 25/07/2021 22:14

Is it a well known bingo event that often hands out Henry hoovers?

Bbq1 · 25/07/2021 22:15

@CrouchEndTiger12

A group of us recently booked to go out somewhere in a week and a half. think clubbing but more on the crazy side!

Why do people do this...think clubbing.

The odds are you being identified are slim to none.

Clubs were my idea of hell even at university. You both sound pretty childish tbh.

Ring up the venue yourself and they will be able to trace it with the details given.

I think it's Bongo's Bingo...

MiddleClassProblem · 25/07/2021 22:23

It sounds like it’s more than just you not going when you say she won’t give “us” our money back. Is that the case?

Either way I would just write off the money and cool the friendship. It’s a shit way to treat you just to get her way. It’s crap you’ll lose the money but it’s money you were prepared to spend plus whatever else the night will cost. Just think of all the money you will save by not going to events you don’t like.

Holothane · 25/07/2021 22:25

Let her go, that weekend sounds hell on earth to me, cut her off and do things you enjoy.

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:25

Yes apologies - should have said it's my partner and I.
Like I say. If isn't the first time that she's been like this and certainly won't be the last so I think I'm just going to back away now. It is a shame but the negative times far outweigh the good, especially lately.

OP posts:

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:26

Not bingo bingo thankfully!!

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 25/07/2021 22:27

I don’t have time for any people who can’t or won’t behave in civilised way towards me.

Cut her off and don’t look back.

Monestera · 25/07/2021 22:28

Throwing food and drink??

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 22:31

@Monestera yep, that's what was happening last time!

OP posts:

Iwantamarshmallowman · 25/07/2021 22:38

To be honest i think it sounds awful. I agree this person isn't your friend. I'd probably just ease off the friendship and let it die out naturally.
I suffer from anxiety and usally i would say try and push through it but i think in this instance with covid you're right not to go.

Wherearemymarbles · 25/07/2021 22:40

With a friend like this who needs enemies!!

Bin her off

Alternista · 25/07/2021 22:45

If you're the one who’s cancelled and its still going ahead then neither she nor the venue will refund you.

It sounds like awful. The pandemic was already here though when you booked, I’ve no idea why it’s only just occurred to you that it’s a dreadful idea, so I can see why she’s pissed off with you. No excuse for her being rude to you though, so you’d be within your rights to step away from her.

Febo24 · 25/07/2021 22:45

Are any of the rest of the group standing up for you? Maybe they should all be binned off if not.

Flowers500 · 25/07/2021 22:50

I can see both sides of this--it sounds like you didn't want to go anyway and aren't good at standing up for yourself, you booked to do something with her and then cancelled, casting a damper on her event. Yes it was partially based on changing feelings towards it, but I can see why she would be irritated, especially if it's a recurring issue.

How many other people are going? Is this a situation where she's now basically having to go alone? If so, I can totally understand why she would be angry.

I don't think you should necessarily cut her off, I have sympathy for both perspectives. Flakey people who let you go through the time and money of booking things, only to drop out and screw your plans are a nightmare, especially if you realise they never intended to actually go.

it sounds like you need to grow a bit of backbone and discuss these things at an early stage, before others can make plans around you going. She isn't going to refund your money (obviously) but she would be very unreasonable to not at least give you a booking reference so you could sell your ticket or get a refund.

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