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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to completely cut her off?!

59 replies

shipwreckedd · 25/07/2021 21:53

So. Long story short, I have had a nightmare of a day.

A group of us recently booked to go out somewhere in a week and a half. think clubbing but more on the crazy side! Throwing drinks / food, getting people up on stage etc etc. We have been a few years ago and it was a good, fun night socially - but not really my scene. I don't like clubbing and don't drink, so it didn't do much for me!

Fast forward to now, and we booked it again as a friend was desperate to go. I think I got kind of swept up in it all and decided to go ahead with it as everyone else wanted to go, too.

Just logged into Facebook this morning to see that the place we are going have just recently had a large covid outbreak, but they are claiming it's under control snd the event will still be going ahead.

Last time we went to this event, there was 2.5k people there. If isn't small! The more I thought about this the more anxious I got. I do have medicated anxiety.
I decided it isn't worth the risk, it's a covid hot spot and the people there are not going to be distancing. I will feel very uncomfortable going! So I decided to text the group to explain this.

Long story short, 'friend' has kicked off big time, calling me all the names under the sun, m flakey apparently for not wanting to go. I've explained that I feel anxious about it and that I know my limits when it comes to my anxiety. She's told me to man up, go and see what it's like.. but I've tried to explain to her that I really don't think I can. It's terrifying me.

This isn't the first time she's been this way. Completely rude and uncalled for, and I just can't take much more of it.

I suppose I'm asking - would I be unreasonable to cut her off now? I've absolutely had enough.

OP posts:

PerpendicularVincent · 25/07/2021 22:56

If it was a choice between throwing food and drinks and getting on stage in a covid hotspot, and holidaying in shark invested waters wrapped in sausages I'd choose the latter. Basically, YANBU - it sounds hideous and I definitely wouldn't want to be around several thousand people at the moment.

Notaroadrunner · 25/07/2021 22:59

Definitely cut her off. With regards the money issue, is it even possible for her to cancel the ticket and get a refund? If not then she shouldn't be out of pocket because you cancelled. If it is possible then even with you getting the reference details you probably won't be able to cancel a booking if it's in her name and the money will probably be refunded to her by whatever means she paid - debit/credit card. So ultimately you may never see your money again. Might be a small price to pay for finally getting her out of your life.

MUM2TJ · 25/07/2021 23:01

Why send the money for the tickets in the first place if you know it's not your thing?
I can understand why she's upset if your backing out now when to be fair you knew covid was still out there so why book to go to an event that big ?

saraclara · 25/07/2021 23:17

Neither of you will get the money back unless it's cancelled. So at least get that out of your head.

How many were going? As a pp said, if it means she's basically going alone or with one other person, I can see that she'd be really annoyed. Though I also fully understand you not wanting to go.

JHchristsendhalp · 25/07/2021 23:28

I need to know what this event is! Crazier than clubbing, throwing food and drinks..

Bongos bingo looks fucking brilliant though thanks previous poster for mentioning that. I've never heard of it before today but will be adding that to my bucket list

Lalliella · 25/07/2021 23:28

Throwing food and drink? What sort of fucking entitled people do this when there’s people in this country without enough to eat? What a shit world we live in. YWBVU to even think of going to this in the first place, it sounds horrendous. However, having told your friend you’ll go and she’s bought tickets, you’re pretty unreasonable to pull out and let her down.

ahoyshipmates · 25/07/2021 23:32

A night like that sounds like plunging head first into the very jaws of Hell to me.

Covid aside, no wonder you don't want to go. Your friend sounds like a cow anyway. I'd forget about the money and forget about having her as a friend.

EishetChayil · 25/07/2021 23:46

How absolutely bizarre.

JHchristsendhalp · 25/07/2021 23:50

I've watched some bongos bingo videos and I'm convinced that's it, they throw food and get people up on stage, double ended dildos being flung all over the place, club music...

Toucan123 · 26/07/2021 02:43

The OP says her friend called her "every name under the sun" but people are saying she SHOULDN'T cut her off? Mumsnet is so weird sometimes.

Gothichouse40 · 26/07/2021 02:49

Real friends consider how their own circle feel about situations like this. Your views should be respected, even if others don't agree with them. I always ask my family or friends if I book X, will they be comfortable with that place/activity. I want my family and friends to enjoy themselves.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 02:59

Cut the loon off.... you don't enjoy these festival things .. struggling to see who would right now..

Stay home OP

Billandben444 · 26/07/2021 05:56

Flakey people who let you go through the time and money of booking things, only to drop out and screw your plans are a nightmare, especially if you realise they never intended to actually go.
I tend to agree with this. Various threads on MN about friends who cancel at the last minute and the advice is usually to bin them!
She was unnecessarily rude to you though so I would cool it a bit and agree to let the money go - you not wanting to go is not a good reason for a refund. If you'd gone with your gut instinct at the start and said it wasn't for you then none of this would be happening.

saraclara · 26/07/2021 07:28

What was the covid situation when you booked? If it was as bad as now (or at least evident that things were heading that way) then you are culpable to a degree. If you booked when everything was looking good for freedom day, then surely it's obvious to this person that some people are no longer going to be comfortable with the idea.

I must admit that I was relieved that the event I was planning to go to with a friend next month has been cancelled.

HungryHippo11 · 26/07/2021 07:38

[quote shipwreckedd]@Nanny0gg doesn't it! I think as I say, she's been like this multiple times before and although it makes me sound very weak, it's easier for me to nod and agree snd go ahead with it than it is to cancel or not go.. but the more I think about it honestly the more anxious I get. We paid for our tickets (sent her the money to get them) and she's refusing to give us our money back, so I asked for the reference number so I can call the venue and explain and she won't give us that either.. I don't know where I stand but ultimately I feel I'm going to have to wave goodbye to my money! [/quote]
The venue won't give you your money back just because you changed your mind.

Why should she be out of pocket because you changed your mind?

Fair enough if you don't want to go any more but you can't be annoyed about not getting your money back, that's your choice.

Original poster

shipwreckedd · 26/07/2021 08:13

I think there's been some confusion. So we booked this a while ago when things were looking good. We booked before we then saw that there had been a covid outbreak; and the tickets were bought with my money, not hers.
She wouldn't be out of pocket. It's me that will be loosing money

OP posts:

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 26/07/2021 08:18

Sod the covid element, the night itself sounds grim!

donquixotedelamancha · 26/07/2021 17:20

although it makes me sound very weak, it's easier for me to nod and agree snd go ahead with it than it is to cancel or not go

I think it's a bit unreasonable if you've tried to back out of things multiple times. Stop agreeing to things you don't want to do.

Regardless she sounds horrible and I'd certainly not be doing things with someone who spoke to me that way.

ForeverSausages · 26/07/2021 18:12

I don't think you should've agreed to go if it's not your cup of tea (it sounds awful btw). Also, her calling you "flakey" suggests this isn't the first time you've cancelled on her. I'd like to hear her side. However, if you don't want to be friends with her you're perfectly entitled to not be.

NeedNewKnees · 26/07/2021 18:19

I doubt you’d get your money back - if I were the venue I wouldn’t refund months later on a “changed my mind” pretext. Just accept that as sunk cost, don’t go, and ignore this woman’s jibes.

If you’ve bowed out of stuff before, then she has some justification in being pissed off at flakiness, but if this is a one off, she’s being awful.

Dontwatchfootball · 26/07/2021 18:41

I would probably write off the money in a situation like this, but she should respect your choice, and her behaviour sounds hideous. Maybe not a complete cut off, but a bit of distance while you decide if this relationship is more of your time and energy.

SilverDragonfly1 · 26/07/2021 19:09

@Monestera

Throwing food and drink??

I didn't realise the Drones Club had so many members these days.

MrsMillhouse · 26/07/2021 22:28

Actually, you do sound kind of flakey! I would be pissed off too if I was her. The whole Covid thing hasn’t just been dropped on everyone: it’s been around for 18 months almost. And unlikely she can refund you, as the venue most probably won’t refund her in the first place. In future, if you don’t want to go. Say so in the first instance

Billandben444 · 27/07/2021 06:12

the tickets were bought with my money, not hers.She wouldn't be out of pocket. It's me that will be loosing money
But you asked her to give you your money back and, when she refused, asked for the booking details so you could contact the venue direct. If she'd agreed, that would have left her out of pocket.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2021 07:46

As you say, this is just the tip of the iceberg. If she regularly speaks to you like shit then I'd definitely cut her off.
The whole clubbing and throwing food and drink around sounds like a toddler's party! Yuk!

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