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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being tickled is torture

69 replies

gamechanging · 25/07/2021 03:05

Pretty much every friend I have asked hates being tickled, even those who laugh a lot when being tickled! They'll say, "I laugh because I can't help it, but I actually hate it."

Then I started thinking about how much I tickle my kids (every day!) under the impression that they love it. My 2yo will repeatedly get me to do "Round and Round the Garden" to her and every time I get to "tickle you under there!" she cracks up, and almost immediately says, "Again!"

But, I remember being tickled as a kid (around 6yo) by my uncle and I suppose I must have been laughing for him to continually do it, but I hated it (my siblings say the same). However, I never told him then and would be mortified to tell him now because I genuinely think he thought we loved it.

So, I'm wondering if any of you can remember being tickled as a kid and loving it? If so, do you still love it as an adult? And, if not, at roughly what age did you go from loving it to hating it?

Here's my unreasonable bit:

YABU - If a kid is laughing and instigating it, they like it. Carry on; stop overthinking it...

YANBU - Laughing is a reflex to being tickled. Adults hate it and kids hate it: stop tickling your kids!

OP posts:

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 25/07/2021 03:13

I said YANBU because I think that as a general rule, it's best to err on the side of not doing something to someone they might hate. But if it's brief and the kid is saying "again!" rather than laughing while begging you to stop, you can take that as consent.

Poppins2016 · 25/07/2021 03:21

My mother used to tickle me until I cried tears of frustration and anger because she wouldn't listen when I asked her to stop, so I have a very strong aversion to being tickled and it makes me feel very vulnerable. In theory I wouldn't mind it in small doses, but I don't trust people to stop. Even recalling the experiences of being tickled in my childhood right now I feel quite uncomfortable!

On the other hand... my 2.5 year old loves being tickled, but I'm very careful to keep it 'short and sweet', (he'll ask to be tickled, I'll oblige, he'll giggle, ask me to stop, then ask me to do it again... and the cycle repeats!). DH sometimes used to push the boundaries and take it too far, which lead to DS becoming upset, but now DH takes the approach of listening so that it stays fun and it makes a real difference.

I think it's about respecting yes/no communication and bodily autonomy, with any age.

Poppins2016 · 25/07/2021 03:28

P.s. I haven't answered the poll as I don't think it's clear cut (I don't think you can easily assume that laughing equals enjoyment or that it's just a reflex - verbal communication and/or reading body language is important).

Chunkymenrock · 25/07/2021 03:28

I agree OP. It's really horrible when it's forced on you without stopping but somehow it makes you laugh and can be exhilarating, weirdly. I agree with PP, to just keep it very short if at all.

FictionalCharacter · 25/07/2021 03:40

I really hated it when I was little, and hated adults continuing to do it when I didn’t want them to. I think it’s something adults do to entertain themselves, not the child. Maybe some kids like it but you should always assume no means no and stop means stop.

SirenSays · 25/07/2021 03:40

I remember reading a paper on whether or not it could count as abuse, so you're definitely not alone in not enjoying it!
It also said that its primary function was to basically teach us self defense, and our laughter encourages the person to keep going so we can learn. Not sure how true that is but it's a very interesting theory.

Original poster

gamechanging · 25/07/2021 03:50

Yes, I suppose that's the difference: when I was a kid and being tickled I NEVER said, "Again!" and was always bloody relieved when it was over.

OP posts:

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 25/07/2021 03:57

Part of what makes being tickled so frustrating is feeling like your body is betraying you and sending the wrong signals, leaving you defenceless. It can take so much effort to get out the words "stop it" "no" etc. and you know they're going to be ignored because you're saying them through a laugh. And if you manage to break through the laughter/smiley instinct and give a stern, definitive no, other people get upset at you for spoiling the mood, it was only a bit of fun, blah blah. It's when it goes on and on and apparently-incongruous requests to stop are disregarded that it's really horrible and can all end in tears.

Soubriquet · 25/07/2021 03:57

I think I read somewhere once, that in medieval times, aristocrats were tortured by tickling as it left them with no marks.

PurpleSapphire · 25/07/2021 04:08

I dont remember anyone tickling me as a kid but I absolutely hate it, makes me panic and I cant breathe. Dd will do it to me occasionally and I tell her not to because it makes me lash out, I literally cant control my limbs and obviously dont want to catch her with a fist or foot! I also cant stand being splashed even though i'm not afraid of water and hate anyone too close to my face. I'm quite a nervous person so maybe that explains the last two.

ohfook · 25/07/2021 04:27

I hated it and still hate it now.

One of my kids though is always asking to be tickled but I'm always very conscious of stopping as soon as they say stop.

KatherineOfGaunt · 25/07/2021 04:32

I have always kept any ticking of my son to very short lengths for this kind of reason. Usually he'll take my hand to do it again but I still keep it brief.

There nothing worse than trying to get someone to stop but they won't. You can quickly go from enjoying it to feeling like you have no control and that's where it stops feeling fun.

HeartvsBrain · 25/07/2021 04:37

For some reason, even as a child, I have never been very ticklish, but I still didn't like it when tickled, so I sort of taught myself not to be ticklish. Now I have to pretend to laugh and ask my Granddaughter to stop tickling me, otherwise she would think I was no fun!

TreeSmuggler · 25/07/2021 04:54

I didn't vote because it's not that clear cut. It is a horrible thing for adults usually and I've had to speak to an exbf about stopping doing it to me. But kids do seem to enjoy it in very brief doses. I know my dc scream "again!" and run at me so I'll tickle them, but I only do it for literally a second, basically just one tickle to make them laugh then stop. Or just "threaten" them with a tickle, while wiggling a finger in the air can be just as good and make them laugh.

Kids do like different things, for example, those playground rides that spin around really fast whereas adults would absolutely hate that.

Inthetropics · 25/07/2021 05:08

I loved being tickled as a kid and instigated it a lot both with my parents and other kids. Never really experienced being tickled for more than maybe 2 to 5 seconds after asking for it to be stopped as a kid, so i guess that's why i liked it. As an adult i've had a previous partner who loved tickling me way past my pleads for it to stop and i have since grew to hate it and for this reason and a few others i consider this previous relationship a toxic one.

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 05:33

I despise being tickled. Utterly hate it. The feeling of being out of control is just awful. Laughing isn’t because it’s funny, it’s a bodily reflex you can’t help.

Having said that, we’re all different and some people don’t mind it, and I think if you’re careful to really watch and listen to your child it’s fine. I have a toddler and occasionally tickle him. I do it for a couple of seconds and then stop and watch his response. If he’s genuinely still laughing and smiling, saying ‘again!’, angling himself towards me to continue, I’ll repeat. If he clearly isn’t in the mood he doesn’t continue smiling or laughing, angles away, shakes his head no. If I’ve done it a few times I’ll stop and ask ‘should mummy stop tickling?’. It’s in his control. I do think he finds it exhilarating and enjoyable in small doses but kids are very capable of indicating whether they’re okay with it or not if you just take the time to listen, watch, and think about what they’re telling you.

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 05:35

I hated being tickled too and would never have tickled my children or allowed them to be tickled.

It's an automatic sort of laugh/giggle you do, you can't help it, it is certainly not a sign of enjoyment. It can often end in screams and tears.

SaskiaRembrandt · 25/07/2021 06:06

I hate being tickled, it doesn't make me laugh, I just find it painful.

@Soubriquet that was in China, and I think it tells you why tickling is not a fun thing that everyone enjoys.

lannistunut · 25/07/2021 06:16

Like so many things, if you want it to happen to you it is nice, if you don't want it to happen to you it is assault.

You have to ask before do it and stop immediately if asked.

I just think the world has moved on from 1980s-style tickling.

Iwastheparanoidex · 25/07/2021 06:24

I hate being tickled. Like a PP I have a visceral violent reaction that makes me want to escape and I will kick and punch to get away if the person doesn’t stop.

Londonnight · 25/07/2021 06:37

I hated it as a child, and I refused to allow anyone to tickle my children when they were young.

snoozeytime · 25/07/2021 08:45

I had to have very strong words with dh as he used to do it to me, thinking it was just teasing and I must like it as I was giggling. He said he liked my giggles. But for me it was making me feel trapped, out of control, unable to breathe and it was just the worst thing! It took longer than I'd like to admit to get him to drop but he'd never do it now. (Not on purpose, I'm so ticklish occasionally it happens from him stroking me nicely or just leaning in in the wrong way!!)

Now my two year old loves playing with her father tickling her and I do it occasionally too. It does worry me sometimes but as a pp said we only do short tickles and only carry on when she says again which she usually does abs if she ever says no it's 100% game over. I think dh experience with me has helped him be this respectful with her too.

dentydown · 25/07/2021 09:28

I remember being tickled and asking the relative to stop. They wouldn’t stop so I screamed very loud. Then got smacked for screaming. Apparently because I laughed it meant I was enjoying it. I was crying “he wouldn’t stop, why didn’t he stop”.

I stop play when the kids tell me to. If they ask to be tickled it’s ok.

thesockfairydidit · 25/07/2021 09:33

I hate it, I don’t let anyone tickle the kids and I would never do it. It’s not funny and It’s upsetting to see people tickle kids.

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 09:34

@dentydown

I stop play when the kids tell me to. If they ask to be tickled it’s ok.

That’s horrendous, I’m so sorry you went though that. It breaks my heart when you hear of this kind of thing happening and the child’s parents being nowhere to be seen or being present and allowing it to continue.

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