I'm so anxious around food, it's ruining social events..

[anaom]

I'm really conscious about this sounding pathetic, so please be kind. I know that many people won't understand this but I just wanted somewhere to vent..

I am a VERY fussy eater. I have been for as long as I can remember. It is the main cause of my medicated anxiety, if I don't plan / know what I'm going to eat I get extremely anxious and stressed / upset. My anxiety has always been around good. I feel physically sick at the thought of most foods and eating in a social setting with others, when I don't like any of the food being served - and consequently looking extremely rude for not eating / just 'picking' or moving food around my plate is my biggest fear. I know that sounds ridiculous given most people's biggest fears are heights / flying for example. This is honestly mine. And it's ruining so many aspects of my life.

For example - this evening we have a party to attend. A friend of my In-laws. I don't know what food is there. How it's being served etc, and it's really stressing me out..
I don't want it to be a sit down meal in case I don't like the food and look rude.

I don't know what I'm really asking here. I've been so anxious I've debated all day saying 'I've got a migraine' and can't come.

Has anybody got similar fears? To have a dear around food sounds ridiculous I know. But it's ruining a huge chunk of my social life!

Thanks for any help in advance.

Just eat before you go and don’t eat anything or much there. At a party nobody will notice or care. I hope you can relax enough to have a nice time.

@MatildaTheCat thank you. I think I will do that. We've been to theirs a few times before when they've held a party, to pick up the in-laws.. and they've always been large sit down meals. Just hoping it isn't this time.

If your list of OK food is really incredibly limited I can't see an obvious way of dealing with this at the 'food' end. It needs you to deal with it at the 'head' end if you see what I mean, therapy of some kind. I'm not remotely knowledgeable about it but I can't think of a practical solution. If you're vegan or allergic to stuff you can easily pass that info on in advance but a long list of 'nos' or 'I only eat x' is not generally going to go down well.

What do you think/worry will happen if you eat food you don’t like?

No helpful advice. Sounds like you have ARFID. My teen does and I could easily imagine her writing your post in future. Are your family supportive? Can you find out what style it is eg by asking if you need to bring anything. Just from observation I suspect some people who say they are eg gluten free vegan and say oh don’t worry about me I’ll bring my own food may have issues like you and this enables them to manage it in a socially acceptable way.

If you don't really know them, why are you going? I would limit any social events that involve food to those organised by close friends.

Can you ask your MIL to find out thither it will be a sit down meal or a buffet type thing, which is easier to hide that you are not eating all the food on offer

How many are invited to event you are worried about? Given it is a friend of in laws rather than your own friend it seems like a wider group. If more than 8 you can be almost certain it will be buffet style which you can easily avoid.

If you arrive and it happens to be sit down meal have an excuse to leave ready. Very unlikely to be needed but having it ready should help.

Also remember most people don't care what you eat, host may worry you don't like it and are hungry so a comment like "this is delicious but I have had a big lunch" should cover it. They will be glad to have your company.

I completely understand, and until recently the only way I'd have been able to attend an event like that is with a series of elaborate plans. If it's a sit down meal, my husband (or a friend when I was at school) would swap plates with me once they'd finished their own meal. If it was a buffet, I'd pick 2 sandwiches and a few crisps, on the basis if I left them I'd just look like my eyes were bigger than my belly. If there was any possibility of arriving late to an event, ie, after food had happened I'd take it.

I'd only eat in certain restaurants, and would ensure I knew the menu inside out. I'd never eat in an empty restaurant because the waiters might notice me swapping my plate. I'd prefer to eat sharing platters as I could almost just make my plate dirty and no one would know how much I'd eaten.

But a few years ago, I had a breakdown and my anxieties overwhelmed me. My GP prescribed me mirtazapine for generalised anxiety disorder and insomnia. I took it for 6 months before weaning myself off, and it took about 6 months to notice that my anxieties about food had actually gone, which was so amazingly liberating that I went travelling for 6 months!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, work out your plan of attack to get you through tonight, whatever works for you. But then maybe have a chat with a professional to see if there's anything they could recommend that you would be willing to try if you wanted to try and make it easier in the future.

I would probably avoid eating out at all qnd if asked just say you have lots of allergies. I am coeliac and so don't often eat others cooking, out etc and my friends have just gotten used to it.

Tell them you have already eaten or don't go

That sounds hard.

I would think up some stock answers and eat before you go.

"Why aren't you eating?"

• "I double booked today and ended up having a late lunch and am SO STUFFED"
• "Wires crossed and thought this was a drinks party so I lined my stomach!"
• " there are lots of foods I can't it" "which ones" "oh I don't want to bore you with my medical history tinkly laugh, anyway how do you know in laws again?"

I'm sure there are better ones but you get the gist!

Why don’t you tell people you have digestive issues or complicated allergies and always eat before you go? I have ceoliacs disease so can’t just eat things and no one ever asks why I am not eating. I don’t think people notice.

If you were coming to my house I would want you to let me know what you consider safe foods so I could just provide that.
Sit down meals used to terrify me. Couldn’t eat in a restaurant until I was 22 due to a fear of feeling or being sick. My anxiety around good made me very physically unwell at times.
I would recommend CBT and maybe asking your GP for beta blockers to help with the physical anxiety symptoms which are not conducive to being able to eat!!!

I would say you have allergies or a health issue if you're asked .
I think people don't actually care that much about other peoples appetites.

In my personal opinion and experience, people will only judge you if you are very very skinny. They will assume a classic eating disorder

Eat before you go, cut the food up on your plate to make it look like your eating and it make the portion, hide food under lettuce leaves

I would go with what a pp suggested. Double booked and had a late lunch/early dinner you couldn't get out of earlier.

That only works for this time but hopefully you can get a better grip on it longterm.

Thank you all.
It's been an ongoing issue in my life for as long as I can remember.
Immediate family are great about it now - it isn't even that I don't WANT to try the food - it's just a huge mental barrier I think. I physically can't make myself. It's so embarrassing.. I go red, get hot and clammy and usually am on the brink of tears as it's all just traumatising. I know that this sounds pathetic, I FEEL pathetic being this way. I really hope that I can get a better grip on it too, like PP's have said.
I feel like I've used most excuses that I possibly can over the years. I hate being / coming across rude that's the thing.

I feel your pain OP. I’m not fussy about food but quite a few things don’t agree with me so I’m always a bit anxious about food out and about.

FWIW, the avoidance mechanisms PPs have mentioned won’t help you long term and are likely to make you worse. You need to confront eating out so that it becomes old hat.

I’d suggest gradually making yourself eat away from home more and more - really as often as you can. Perhaps each time you could encourage yourself to try one bite of something new, and really praise yourself for doing so.

I find affirmations helpful, and reminding yourself that nothing bad is going to happen - it’s your own thoughts and beliefs that are causing this.
Perhaps a good affirmation would be something like:
‘Food is delicious and exciting. I am confident in my ability to try new things when I am ready.’

Honestly OP, you can do this!

(P.S. I successfully got myself over a different social phobia this way, so I know it works.)

My friends the same, she tells people she is on very strict diet due to some unknown issues regarding allergies/ Intolerances.

I think regardless of this meal, if it controls your life this much then it needs addressing. First step, could you acknowledge it to your in laws friends, so that it’s not this huge secret? Just say that you have food anxiety? I don’t know if you’d feel ok doing that, but sometimes I find that keeling something a secret is half the anxiety. And then get some CBT to look at why you find it so tricky to eat food you don’t like. I know someone who suffers from the same thing as you and it dominates their life. The trouble with food anxiety, is that you have to eat. It’s not like a fear of flying where you can just avoid it.

I also agree with PP that avoidance doesn’t work. It just cements the idea that you were right to avoid it. And lying/making an excuse, although might help short term, will make you feel more stressed coz then you have a secret. And secrets are such a burden.

Do your in-laws know how much of a problem it is for you? Could they ask their friends what the food situation will be/ask for a tweak for you if it is required. I am sure most people would be happy to help. They want you to have a good time.

Hi op, CBT therapy can be really helpful for phobias and acute anxiety. I really recommend it.