I'm so anxious around food, it's ruining social events..

[anaom]

I'm really conscious about this sounding pathetic, so please be kind. I know that many people won't understand this but I just wanted somewhere to vent..

I am a VERY fussy eater. I have been for as long as I can remember. It is the main cause of my medicated anxiety, if I don't plan / know what I'm going to eat I get extremely anxious and stressed / upset. My anxiety has always been around good. I feel physically sick at the thought of most foods and eating in a social setting with others, when I don't like any of the food being served - and consequently looking extremely rude for not eating / just 'picking' or moving food around my plate is my biggest fear. I know that sounds ridiculous given most people's biggest fears are heights / flying for example. This is honestly mine. And it's ruining so many aspects of my life.

For example - this evening we have a party to attend. A friend of my In-laws. I don't know what food is there. How it's being served etc, and it's really stressing me out..
I don't want it to be a sit down meal in case I don't like the food and look rude.

I don't know what I'm really asking here. I've been so anxious I've debated all day saying 'I've got a migraine' and can't come.

Has anybody got similar fears? To have a dear around food sounds ridiculous I know. But it's ruining a huge chunk of my social life!

It might sound absolutely bonkers but I finally got through the anxiety I had around contamination and food by just being really upfront about it - I’d go into cold sweats about the prospect of having to share food with other peoples sweaty fingers and cutlery…so just started saying brightly ‘I don’t like x, bit weird I know! Pass the salt?’.

I have ARFID (avoidance and restrictive food disorder) and I get very anxious over food being served

At best, I pick at things I know I like. At worse I don’t eat and will eat later.

People (and some who do) who don’t know me comment on my pickiness but it’s an eating disorder and I can’t help it

If I try to eat something new or something I don’t want/like, I throw up. I rarely eat anything new anyway. I can’t bring myself to put the food in my mouth

It’s hard to describe

Have you heard of AFRID? My 8yr old daughter has it and from your description in the OP there are a lot of similarities. Seek help from GP and be upfront with people you are eating with.

What help have you had so far and what strategies have you tried?

I’m not contradicting the PPs who’ve posted about ARFID (and not for one minute downplaying their experiences), but I wonder how helpful naming these things is. For example, saying ‘I’ve got arachnophobia/generalised anxiety disorder/seasonal affected disorder/OCD etc makes it sound like something that has happened TO you and isn’t in your control. But it IS in your control - we always have a choice.

You have a choice about what you put in your mouth, how you feel and what you believe about it. I think taking some of this power back is the key.

Maybe it’s more helpful to say to yourself ‘I’ve got myself in a bit of a tizz about food’ rather than ‘I’ve got ARFID’. This is undoable, but giving it a name makes it sound like a diagnosis.

It’s just something I always wonder.

I’m a fussy eater and used to hate eating anywhere other than home because if my limited palate - some foods make me gag and I just can’t put them in my mouth. So sending sympathy.

I would just ask what the eating arrangements are - no one seems to bat an eyelid these days in fact if it’s a sit down meal at someone’s house it now seems to be the norm to check if X and Y are okay or ask is there anything you don’t eat. I know as a host I’d always rather know whether that is not cooking something together, or without sauce, or doing something separate. I would ask your in-laws to ask for you as it‘s their friend and explain that you have some food anxiety and you are happy to bring something if necessary. Then you can go and relax. I always ask and no one has taken offence yet and means I can eat at people’s houses without worrying about food.

I get what your saying, positive mental attitude and all that. But I think if you asked most people with ARFID, they would say it’s the thing they wished they could most overcome. It’s not something that just passively happens to them, and many people with ARFID are constantly battling with trying to overcome the anxiety around food. Wishing they weren’t that way is constantly in their thoughts. Sometimes it’s linked to sensory overload, smells and textures that seem simple to the rest of us can be massively overwhelming. ARFID is just a very complex thing to simply overcome with mind over matter - my relation with ARFID definitely wishes it wasn’t this way, and through the years I’ve realised it actually contributes to the guilt and shame felt when something ‘should’ all be in their head and simple to overcome, but, even knowing that, they can’t move past it.

Sorry that previous post was for @BoPeeple

No advice, but I have a terrible relationship with food.

I sometimes eat at home and sometimes enjoy eating at a few chosen restaurants, but I don't like eating unplanned food.

I have always had issues eating at people's houses because although I love food, I have a weird and in some ways limited palate. As a child I think it stressed my poor parents out, and as a teen and young adult I worried endlessly over it, and sometimes didn't want to go on exciting trips in case I couldn't eat the food.

As an adult I have largely got past this fear of offending/not being able to eat what's served - I'm still fussy as fuck, my friends and family are used to me and don't bat an eyelid, and I tell new people when food is likely to be part of our friendship.

Literally just say, if they ask me over, oh, I'm a massively fussy eater, happy to just bring my dinner with me. They either say that's cool or ask what they can make that I'd be happy with - so I can request, for example, Bolognese with strictly no mushrooms, or pizza with my favourite toppings and no cheese.

No one has ever had a problem with it so all my previous worrying was for nothing - people just want you to be happy and well fed, mostly!

Sounds horrendous OP. I'm ok with food but other things really cause distress to me...like dogs barking, and being around balloons...!
But back to you: you are totally capable of healing from this and overcoming it just don't be calling yourself pathetic. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter xx

I used to be like this at the peak of my anorexia, not suggesting that this is the case here but this is quite an unhealthy way to be around food and it seems to be really stressful for you.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but have you tried some counselling or therapy?

Could you say that you are on a food elimination diet as you have signs of an intolerance and you don’t want to cause them any trouble by having to cater to it?

I do feel for you OP as it must be really stressful.

Another vote for CBT. Wishing you all the best, OP

Good luck OP, it sounds soul sapping. Hope you find a way through.
As a side question, how do you feel about something you have grown or gathered yourself? Where there would, at least, be enormous confidence about what it was, where it came from, what had happened to it.

I had a similar issue and got CBT to help. I know it’s not for everyone but worth a go.

Thank you everyone! We went and it was fine- just a buffet so I was able to pick at bits that I know I do like. Panic over.. but still it's something that I think I would like to and need to address. I get stressed like this and then once it's all over, forget about it until the next time and the next.. it's not a healthy way to be 😞

In terms of my weight, I'm actually overweight frustratingly. I guess due to my limited palette.

I went to see the psychologist Felix Economakis about the same issue years ago. I didn’t have particularly great results compared to others I know of who went (he used to do the tv show freaky eaters) but it was still helpful.
www.felixeconomakis.com/

Google exposure therapy, it is the gold standard in dealing with anxiety disorders.

So say you are terrified of bananas

Day 1 you sit in the same room as a banana, you dont look at it. You have a supportive person with you. You let yourself get anxious, you feel the panicky feelings, the heart rate go up, the breathlessness and fluttery hands. You just sit with it, you let it run riot through your body. You dont do anything more than that. After a while it will calm down, and you will still be sitting there in the room with the banana and not feeling the physical panic.
You leave the room and an hour later you go back and do it all again.

After a few times, you will find that the physical feelings arent as extreme, or they tail off quicker. At that point you go and sit closer to the banana…and the loop will restart.
You then step by step get closer, then you touch it, then you eat a piece etc etc

You always feel somewhat anxious, but you get to the point where you can just watch your body panicking and just go..here it goes again and gut through it…you are able to manage your mental control over your body and its reactions…at that point you are back in control and you can decide what you want to do rather than spending your life avoiding and worrying.

The thing that will never work is avoiding, accommodating, lying, distracting, numbing etc etc. You.have to face it to regain control.

@BoPeeple

I’m not contradicting the PPs who’ve posted about ARFID (and not for one minute downplaying their experiences), but I wonder how helpful naming these things is. For example, saying ‘I’ve got arachnophobia/generalised anxiety disorder/seasonal affected disorder/OCD etc makes it sound like something that has happened TO you and isn’t in your control. But it IS in your control - we always have a choice.

You have a choice about what you put in your mouth, how you feel and what you believe about it. I think taking some of this power back is the key.

Maybe it’s more helpful to say to yourself ‘I’ve got myself in a bit of a tizz about food’ rather than ‘I’ve got ARFID’. This is undoable, but giving it a name makes it sound like a diagnosis.

It’s just something I always wonder.

Do you say the same thing about people who have depression or general anxiety disorder?

I would love to have a normal and healthy eating diet but I physically and mentally can’t.

It’s difficult to put into words but I just cannot eat most foods. Some days I don’t eat at all

@lolacola77

Grow up. A huge amount of people are starving. Deal with your issues and be an adult.

If only it was that easy

I haven't read all the replies so this may have been suggested. For social / meals events that are at people's homes why not contact them in advance and let them know you are limited in what you can eat- you could let them know why or imply allergies/medical reasons - and let them know you will bring your own food or will eat before coming.

@lolacola77 did nobody ever teach you that if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Sounds to me like the op would love not have this going on and if it was as easy as someone on the internet being mean to her to sort it out, she'd be laughing all the way to a banquet.

Honestly, you're very lucky not to have a anxiety issue. It's a shame you can't be supportive, or silent when someone is asking for help with theirs.

@lolacola77 what a insensitive and uneducated comment. If it was that easy I am sure the OP would have overcome her food anxieties a long time ago. Would you say the same to someone battling other mental health issues?

@BoPeeple until you know or live with someone with AFRID you will not truly understand the complexity of this condition. It isn't just looking up symptoms online and 'putting a name' to your symptoms. It takes a long time to get diagnosed with AFRID on the NHS. To watch how it impacts my Dd life is heartbreaking. She cannot just wake up one morning and make a positive choice to eat something new.