To be furious?

[Chewythedog]

My DH has always been keen on sport. I didn’t realise how obsessed he was until we were several kids down the line. He used to play football and cricket but knocked it on the head when we first started seeing each other as we lived a distance apart.

He’s hyper mobile and in his teens injured his knee playing football. He went back to it when we had our first two kids. Then followed a bad injury, physio apparently said he could go back and low and behold another injury. I said no more. We have two kids with special needs. Both are quite challenging. He’s stuck to the gym and another non sport hobby until…

Then his friend arranged an older blokes casually football team. Once again he decided he’d play and if I’d said no he’d have gotten moody. Then last night he rang me from a&e. He’d done something to his archiles tendon. He’s now in a boot with crutches. He can do nothing apart from lay on the sofa. We go on holiday next week. I’ve always said due to his hyper mobility and issues with his legs in particular running and sports where you are running wouldn’t be brilliant for him. I’m furious. I’m sick of what feels like his selfishness that his need to do sport overrides sense. He has never had an injury except when involved in football.

Lazy, selfish and shouty, so he intimidates you OP.

What a load you carry.

Can he get sports ankle braces? If injuries during running are the only problem then maybe he needs ankle supports, get an orthotic appointment or physio and good to go.

.... in some ways I think you are being unreasonable purely from the, he got injured doing something he likes how dare he, he better not do this ever again

Especially the ableism

I’ve always said due to his hyper mobility and issues with his legs in particular running and sports where you are running wouldn’t be brilliant for him

... OP. Gently. You are not an expert on his body. He's more than compromised with your wants, for years by the sounds of it! He didn't do an extreme dangerous sport or something dangerous to ruin your week.

He's currently injured. It's shit. It happens.

Also as someone who is disabled the ableism comments from others replying have already started, which is shit.

Support your partner. Communicate. And if he truly cannot do the sport (doesn't sound like it seen as physio gave the okay!) then you need to support him understanding that, if he refuses, then you've got cause to be pissed.

[quote girlmom21]@AnneLovesGilbert so fuck him being able to ever do something he enjoys because he happens to have a medical condition?

Calling someone stupid for having a different opinion to yours is pretty unnecessary really.

They can still go on holiday and care for their kids. He hasn't had to have both his legs amputated for Christ sake. [/quote]
^ this.

It’s unfortunate it all falls to OP and perhaps he shouldn’t have played close to a holiday BUT he’s allowed a life too - yes, I know the OP is as well! Don’t really know the answer, aside from he never does anything that could result in injury! That’s not much of a life.
I would insist that he takes on the lion share of the duties once he’s better, to give you a break.

DH snapped his Achilles when he was gardening and still looked after DS because I was at work and he was furloughed anyway. He’s being unreasonable to lie on the sofa.
Although DH is generally a medical marvel when it comes to serious injuries.

@ButterflyCat2028, I’ve never said he can’t do it again. If he wants to continue he can do. Ive explained that I worry about the injuries he’s had but I’ve never forced him to quit anything. The hobbies he chose to stop are because we have family commitments and the kids are his responsibility as much as mine. Life tends to change when you have kids. I’d like to continue travelling and going off on weekend hikes but the children we have don’t allow that. I have never ever ask that he stop doing something. Because he wouldn’t listen to me. He will always do what he wants to do. What I am wholly sick of is being responsible all the time. The only area I’m not is being the main breadwinner. I would be but my husband struggles to cope with the kids and it wouldn’t have worked. I do find it a bit offensive you’re telling me to support my partner. I am and always have done. He hasn’t moved from the sofa in nearly three days and I’ve done everything for him.

I completely get he should have a life but I don’t see why I should have to deal with the fallout of his life choices. He’s very money conscious and if I loved shopping and it didn’t destroy our finances but took us to close to the edge I’d respect it made him uncomfortable. It’s about being a partnership. I’m not some controlling wrench who won’t let him out and mother’s him demanding he wraps himself in cotton wool. I’ve only ever asked that he consider the fact that he’s a lot older now, he’s hyper mobile, has had surgery on his knee and sustained several injuries playing football. I’m not ordering him or stopping him living.

He won’t consider helping. His idea of helping is yelling at the youngest from his position on the sofa.

If anyone has any tips to stop two children with Sen who are runners and have zero danger awareness on my own with a man on crutches in tow it would be appreciated.

I really feel for you, @Chewythedog. You are basically trapped in a really, really shitty situation that your husband, had he been a team player and committed to you and his children, could have been avoided. I think I'd cancel the holiday if it wouldn't cause unknown distress to your children and consider camping in the garden, if you have one. Please ignore the comments about you being ableist as I'm not getting that at all from you. You have every right to expect your husband to not put himself at unnecessary risk, we can all expect that from our partners and fathers of our children. His condition unfortunately does make him more vulnerable to injury and he has to come to terms with it, however much he loves football. I am a type 1 diabetic and I love chocolate. Bad luck but that's life. We can't all do what we'd like to do when we have dependents. It sounds like be does what he bloody well pleases and doesn't give a seconds thought to any of you. A serious chat is in order and he needs to pull his bloody weight. He'd find life a hell of a lot harder without you and he needs to realise this.

He is a team pleayer, just not with her.

That sounds like a terrible affliction, my heart goes out to you both.

OP he's not coming out of this well. He won't look after the DCs, and although he might be the breadwinner, he offers you no physical or emotional support with the children. You're on your own in that regard. But when he as an accident playing football, he adds to your physical and mental road because he expects to lay on the sofa while you run round after him, while also looking after the DCs. So I don't blame you for being furious. Everything is always on you and he doesn't care.

I think you've been far too accommodating. I know you don't like the idea that you 'let' him do it, as though he needs your permission, but you seem to be very passively accepting the more general, day to day situation. That would get to me even without the latest incident. Out of interest, as he's the breadwinner, what's his attitude to money? Is it family money that you are free to spend as you need, or does he monitor/censor spending? He sounds selfish, which is why I'm wondering.

The more you post the worse it sounds @Chewythedog.
He shouts at you, does bare minimum with the kids and puts your needs at the bottom of the pile.

At least if you LTB you’d have eow free and he’d be forced to face his responsibilities

@Stath, I can’t see the woods from the trees to be honest. He’s quite a tricky person. He has his good points but his bad points are quite hard to deal with. He has a temper (he used to be awful in the car), he doesn’t tend to get involved in any of our kids paperwork, he’s pro education but won’t help the kids in a subject he’s particularly good at that I’m useless at. When he’s stressed he does tend to yell at the kids if things aren’t his way so I try to be the buffer. He used to smack them but doesn’t now. He once had me by the throat up against our cooker but that was my fault as I pushed him off me. There’s been no incidents since and that was years ago. His temper has improved. He tends to flare up when things are stressing him out so I don’t tend to push him on things when he’s like that. I have full access to money though at one point he did take all our spare money and put it in his private account. His salary goes into the joint. I don’t like arguing with him as he scares me. I’ve talked to him about it before but he says he’s not difficult and it’s more how I see him. He says I don’t value the things he does like working, taking one of our sons to his swimming once a week and our other son to his football once a week and the meal he cooks once a week oh and the cars he books in for a service. Most of the time we get on okay but I had a tricky relationship with one of my parents who had moods so I’m quite atuned to moods. I’m not confrontational at all and I find approaching him tricky because he tends to do what he wants to do. Like I say he’s not a total bastard. He’s taken friends and relatives to the airport for early flights, packed the kids lunches, driven them to various places. I think his injury has just highlighted the issues I feel we have in our marriage. He doesn’t feel there are any and it’s mostly just how I feel rather than in his words a balanced view of how things actually are.

Like I say he’s not a total bastard. He’s taken friends and relatives to the airport for early flights, packed the kids lunches, driven them to various places.

No, but he's a bastard to you. You have to tiptoe around him, and so what if he takes one son swimming once a week, one to football and cooks one meal and sorts out the car servicing? That means you do everything else. And it sounds like he expects praise for even doing that much. He won't help the kids with their homework?

He once had me by the throat up against our cooker but that was my fault as I pushed him off me. No. No, no no. That was NOT your fault. Whatever you did. He chose to pin you against the cooker. A loving partner doesn't do that.

OP it's becoming clear how much your parent's moods have impacted on you. Being careful, not saying anything, walking on eggshells. That is your normal. So you're not seeing just how wrong and selfish your DH is being (although it sounds like you're starting to). I don't know if you love him any more, but justifiably you don't like him. He's not going to change. I'm not quick to say leave a relationship, but this is going to be your life forevermore if you don't.

He's not going to recognise what's wrong in your marriage, because to him everything's just rosy. You do practically all the household work, he gets to go out whenever he likes and do whatever he wants, and you're there to wait on him hand and foot if it goes pear shaped. Please at least consider leaving. Think about what your life could be like if he wasn't there to suck that life out of you.

He sounds absolutely dreadful and you are rightly scared of him.

Him having you by the throat is NOT your fault.

100% on him OP.
No excuses.

God love you.

I can't believe that the overall response seems to be that he should sacrifice what he loves because he has a medical condition.

It's terrible timing and it's not unreasonable to be upset but the rest of it....

@billy1966

Unbelievably selfish.

God almighty what a selfish waster.

You poor woman.

I have NEVER heard of woman having hobbies which they get injured and are on the bloody sofa having to rest but football is notorious for it.
Knee and ankle injuries being a speciality 🙄.

I would give him zero help, sympathy or attention OP.

Let him get on with it.

I certainly don't think he should go camping with you and I don't think you should go on your own.
So his selfishness has ruined the family holiday.
Can you visit family?

I play netball. I've ruptured my Achilles tendon, torn my ACL, and had numerous ankle ligament ruptures over the years. It's not just football that causes injuries. I don't understand being "furious " because someone's had an accident. Not ideal, but not their fault. Someone will be along to call me a "cool wife" in a minute.

I can't believe that the overall response seems to be that he should sacrifice what he loves because he has a medical condition.

And what about all the sacrifices the OP has to make because of it? He goes out when he wants, he meets friends, he has other hobbies. And every time that leaves the OP to cope on her own with two children with special needs. Does he think about her? No, by the sound of it. He just dumps it all on her without even thinking about it. Then expects her to do everything for him while he lays on the sofa when the inevitable happens.

I’m furious because it’s another thing for me to deal with. He hasn’t moved off the sofa in three days. He’s in too much pain. I appreciate accidents happen but he only ever sustains injuries when he’s playing football. For me it’s a risk given his body (he complains about his hips hurting just walking around). I know it could happen walking up the stairs but the fact is it didn’t. It once again happened during football. I think it’s probably just the last straw given the emotional load I carry that he doesn’t help with. I’m very aware not to ask him to stop because he won’t be very nice and he’s his own person. I won’t ever ask him to stop. It’ll be his decision either way and because his mood will be difficult to deal with if he isn’t able to do what he wants. Saying no isn’t ever really an option. It’s easier to go along with whatever he wants.

I have considered leaving but I’d be worried about him having contact with the kids on his own. I’m also concerned about money as I only work part time and term time and as you can imagine the salary is poor. I do look for other work but I’d need remote work as the kids can’t cope in childcare. All his paper slips and pension are online so I don’t know how I’d access what he’s earning.

I’ve always been independent and not relied on him and just got on with it but I feel smaller because of it. The furious is probably about more than just this injury if I were honest.

Oh my darling. It gets worse as you tell us more.
He’s violent, hit the children, strangled you and is verbally and emotionally abusive.

You need to speak to Women’s Aid or someone similar.

The football injury is the top of a very, very dark and dangerous iceberg.

@RedHelenB

Yabu but deep down I think you know that.

Care to elaborate? Because I for one think you’re completely wrong.

OP is not unreasonable. He’s had plenty of chances and freedom but his selfish requirement for yet more time for himself (he already has hobbies) has resulted in yet more predictable injuries and yet more burden upon the OP regarding their household. He needs to play fair.

Fuck. I didn’t read the whole thread.

@Chewythedog get some free legal advice about what you need to get organised to leave, speak to Women’s Aid and get everything ready to go. This is a bad, bad man. I’m so sorry.

Thanks everyone for your support. I don’t have anyone to talk to IRL and it’s hard to know if his behaviour is normal or not. Is it normal that DH has offered no help? Such as saying send the ironing out, get someone in to help you clean? His parents have offered to have him stay with them as he’s taking over one of the kids rooms but his mum irritates him so he doesn’t want to go. My parents have cancelled their holiday to come away with me as my mum doesn’t want my kids missing out and she knows I need an extra adult. My husband’s response was “they can go on their holiday anytime”. I feel like he totally lacks theory of mind either that or he’s just selfish and entitled.

He's a selfish, lazy, abusive man and you clearly have a dogs life with him.

He's a nasty piece of work and that's all there is to it.

You have my full sympathy.

Your parents sound kind.
Can they help you?

Womens Aid is there for you.
Reach out.

@Chewythedog

Thanks everyone for your support. I don’t have anyone to talk to IRL and it’s hard to know if his behaviour is normal or not. Is it normal that DH has offered no help? Such as saying send the ironing out, get someone in to help you clean? His parents have offered to have him stay with them as he’s taking over one of the kids rooms but his mum irritates him so he doesn’t want to go. My parents have cancelled their holiday to come away with me as my mum doesn’t want my kids missing out and she knows I need an extra adult. My husband’s response was “they can go on their holiday anytime”. I feel like he totally lacks theory of mind either that or he’s just selfish and entitled.

He really is a selfish prick.

Use the holiday time with your parents to really think about what, if any, positives this man adds to your life.

I plan to. I don’t think I ever realised just how selfish he is. Meals cooked, prescriptions collected and not one thank you. All he ever says is he never asks for anything. Considering I told him how upset I was at the weekend, how lonely I felt in our marriage it really seems like he doesn’t give a shit. If I mention anything he just sighs like I’m a nuisance. I know he has good points but they’re so heavily outweighed by his selfishness.

He is a selfish, lazy, waster.

Stop running around after him.

If he gives you cause to be scared, ring the police and get him removed.