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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this annoy you or am I being unfair?

75 replies

Poppoppogo · 24/07/2021 10:05

DP and I are having a baby, currently 15 weeks. We both really wanted it, had IVF (which failed) and then fell pregnant naturally 2 months later. So it was a bit of a surprise, but welcome. I think he’s struggling to get his head around it now though as he never really brings it up. He’s incredibly tired with work though so that might just be it.

So...

I recently left my shitty job and now really don’t earn much at all. About 20% of what he earns probably. This is fine, it suits me to work less (I have other kids so am happy to be at home with them more), esp when pregnant. After leaving my job I got a notice through saying that I could actually take out my pension contributions now. We talked about it and I decided that it might be good to use the money to buy some of the bigger baby items. He supported that decision, but just to be clear, he was more on the side of keeping the money in there (it’s not loads of money, but enough for a pram/crib/reusable nappies or towards renovating the bathrooms/bedroom to accommodate the baby which will have to be done soon).

At about the same time, he got a bonus from work. A similar amount. He is going to buy a motorbike with it. Biking is his hobby, he swapped his bike about a year ago though for a car, and I know his intention has always been to buy another one, so I’m not questioning that, just the timing really.

This could be my pregnancy hormones getting the better of me, but is this distribution of funds really fair?

So, would I be unreasonable to ask him to hold off with the bike until he gets another bonus (Theyre quarterly) so we can focus our funds on more immediate matters?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2021 10:07

He wants you to save your money but thinks he can spend his on something that’s solely for him? Sounds ridiculous.

Thehop · 24/07/2021 10:08

He doesn’t want the baby as much as you do, on the face of it.

You need to ask him to share the equipment costs and build your own savings.

You’re not married. Who’s house are you in?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 24/07/2021 10:09

If he gets them quarterly I’d say he spends this one and puts the next one towards baby items

FionnulaTheCooler · 24/07/2021 10:10

YANBU. I would also want to concentrate on getting essential things and the house organised for the new baby before buying luxuries. He has a car, the motorbike is a want not a need so he should wait until you genuinely have the money spare and its not needed elsewhere.

RandomMess · 24/07/2021 10:13

You're unwise to take your money out of your pension. If anything have a private one set up and ask for DP to help contribute to it whilst you bring his child up.

You aren't married and a low earner if you split you are so vulnerable. Pension contributions made whilst young are worth so much more!!

araiwa · 24/07/2021 10:15

Better to get the bike now whilst he can use it.

He'll get another two bonuses between now and the baby arriving.

ohthatbloodycat · 24/07/2021 10:18

But he's the bigger earner by far and chances are, he has wanted a treat item like this for years. Unless you're in dire financial straits, leave him to his midlife crisis.
Having a baby doesn't mean the end of life as we know it.

SmileyClare · 24/07/2021 10:18

You're leaving yourself in a precarious financial position here Op. You've left your job, have cashed in your pension and are now reliant on your partner's income to support you and all your dc.

I would suggest combining finances and getting married. All financial decisions are joint and you have some security if things go wrong.

I don't see the problem with your partner using his next bonus for the baby. He gets four a year and by the sounds of it, they're pretty large bonuses.

Hankunamatata · 24/07/2021 10:20

Talk to him about it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/07/2021 10:21

I’d let him have the bike and would leave the money in the pension and buy second hand baby items if you really don’t have anything from the other children left. As long as there was no debt and you can cover the family’s outgoings on your joint income.

I’d not be impressed if DH quit his job as he didn’t like it and had multiple responsibilities of children and then moaned when I wanted to spend my salary whilst expecting me to fund most things.

IamnotSethRogan · 24/07/2021 10:21

He wants you to save your money but thinks he can spend his on something that’s solely for him? Sounds ridiculous.

But it sounds like OP wanted to take the money out for baby/household things and the DH was saying she didn't need to (and I assume as he earns so much more, he would have footed the bill from prams and renovation work) but he still supported ops choice.

Tbh I think if him buying the motor bike isn't going to put you in any financial hardship then I would go for it. It sounds like he's supporting you and possibly children that aren't his and doesn't seem to begrudge it so I don't see why you would begrudge him something he enjoys.

ThePlantsitter · 24/07/2021 10:21

Next bonus goes straight into your pension. All of it. Look after your financial future (ex SAHM speaking here).

Candleabra · 24/07/2021 10:24

Last thing you should be raiding is your pension. Why did you leave your job? You won't get any maternity pay now.

I think you need to have a big conversation about how the family finances will work from now on on one wage only. It needs to be fair. And don't rely on bonuses ever. Especially at the moment in uncertain times.

Freddiefox · 24/07/2021 10:24

I think it all depends on your family set up, and how funds are arranged. If you’ve both normally spent your money how you like then what discussions have you had about going forward?

Original poster
Poppoppogo · 24/07/2021 10:31

Thank you for all your replies so far. Lots of good points. I know I’m quite financially vulnerable, I know I need to do something about that.

Just to be clear, he’s not a massive earner either and the purchases (Baby stuff and bike) will be second hand. The bonuses are basically pay because he stays an extra hour or so after work every day. I think calling them bonuses is criminal and they should just pay him for the damn hours he works. Bastards. Anyway, rant over Grin

OP posts:
Namenic · 24/07/2021 10:34

Depends on how work and costs are spread in different areas. Eg does OP do all the housework and house admin? Does DP contribute to costs of OPs other children? I’d avoid dipping into pensions as it would probably leave OP a bit vulnerable later, especially if she takes time out to be sahp.

Fiddliestofsticks · 24/07/2021 10:39

So he's a low earner, and you earn 20% of what he does?
So, is he financially supporting your other children then?

If so, then let him get the bike. He's told you not to spend your pension money. The baby stuff would be paid for by him. That was clearly his plan. So, let him get the bike.

Then both of you need to sort out joint finances and savings to make it all fair.

honeylulu · 24/07/2021 10:39

Cashing in your pension is a very bad idea. It is especially foolhardy as you aren't married and having a baby (are the older children DP's too?)

Chucking in your job was another terrible decision. You'd have been so much better off talking paid maternity leave and not going back/looking for something else.

The motorbike is OK if it doesn't leave the household hard up. Second hand baby stuff is fine! If things are tight though you need to ask him to wait. And leave that bloody pension alone!

TowandaForever · 24/07/2021 10:59

If you haven't cashed in your pension- DONT DO IT!

Candleabra · 24/07/2021 11:05

Then it's not bonuses either, it's overtime. Which could also be withdrawn. You're in an incredibly financially precarious position.

What are your employment plans now? I understand job hunting is the last thing you want to do when pregnant, but it doesn't sound like the family set up is conducive to you earning a small amount and being a SAHM.

AnyOldLion · 24/07/2021 11:19

I'm concerned that you're in a very financially vulnerable position, not being married.

So the other kids aren't his?

Where do you live, do you own?

TheSandgroper · 24/07/2021 11:44

Don’t touch your pension..

cinammonbuns · 24/07/2021 12:09

Yeah if he’s not a high earner and you only earn 20% then you must not be earning much. So he is supporting you and your other children?

And you are not married?

Please do not cash in your pension and consider working again, I think you are way too vulnerable and may live to regret it.

Pebbledashery · 24/07/2021 12:29

Please don't cash in your pension. That's the biggest mistake you could ever make.

tallduckandhandsome · 24/07/2021 12:31

Don't touch your pension, pay for baby stuff with his bonus.

He has a pension I bet and as you're not married you won't benefit from it should you split.

Please don't be so naive.