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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this annoy you or am I being unfair?

75 replies

Poppoppogo · 24/07/2021 10:05

DP and I are having a baby, currently 15 weeks. We both really wanted it, had IVF (which failed) and then fell pregnant naturally 2 months later. So it was a bit of a surprise, but welcome. I think he’s struggling to get his head around it now though as he never really brings it up. He’s incredibly tired with work though so that might just be it.

So...

I recently left my shitty job and now really don’t earn much at all. About 20% of what he earns probably. This is fine, it suits me to work less (I have other kids so am happy to be at home with them more), esp when pregnant. After leaving my job I got a notice through saying that I could actually take out my pension contributions now. We talked about it and I decided that it might be good to use the money to buy some of the bigger baby items. He supported that decision, but just to be clear, he was more on the side of keeping the money in there (it’s not loads of money, but enough for a pram/crib/reusable nappies or towards renovating the bathrooms/bedroom to accommodate the baby which will have to be done soon).

At about the same time, he got a bonus from work. A similar amount. He is going to buy a motorbike with it. Biking is his hobby, he swapped his bike about a year ago though for a car, and I know his intention has always been to buy another one, so I’m not questioning that, just the timing really.

This could be my pregnancy hormones getting the better of me, but is this distribution of funds really fair?

So, would I be unreasonable to ask him to hold off with the bike until he gets another bonus (Theyre quarterly) so we can focus our funds on more immediate matters?

OP posts:
actorbynight · 24/07/2021 12:33

Why on Earth would you cash in your pension?

Wjevtvha · 24/07/2021 12:34

I wouldn’t solely be using my money to buy the baby stuff, especially not pension contributions. I don’t really think you should use them anyway but that’s your choice but let him know what his half is amd if he can afford the bike too then fine

drpet49 · 24/07/2021 12:34

** So he's a low earner, and you earn 20% of what he does?
So, is he financially supporting your other children then?

If so, then let him get the bike. He's told you not to spend your pension money. The baby stuff would be paid for by him. That was clearly his plan. So, let him get the bike.**

^Also he is supporting you and the kids who are not his after you quit your job. You don’t get a say in how he spends his money

fourminutestosavetheworld · 24/07/2021 12:39

I don't think he's done anything wrong.

He thinks it'd be more sensible for you to keep your money in your pension, but is happy for you to decide to draw it and spend it on baby stuff if that's what you want to do.

He's spending his overtime/bonus on a treat for himself.

You are both doing what you want to do with your own money.

If you earn 20% of his salary, I assume he supports the family in other ways?

Alternatively, tell him you'd like him to pay 50% of the baby costs, so that you both have money leftover for fun.

HollowTalk · 24/07/2021 12:40

You're not married - don't even think of taking your money out of your pension!

You say you're happy to spend more time at home, but is he happy with that? Was that the agreement when you decided to have a baby together?

Iwonder08 · 24/07/2021 12:53

You decided to reduce your hours and settled happily for less money. Have you asked him if it works for your family unit? I guess not. He also hasn't asked you about spending his money on a motorbike. You don't have a family finance.. It is your money and his money. Works great for many people as long as both have reasonable expectations

MotionActivatedDog · 24/07/2021 12:58

Well it’s a very clear picture isn’t it? You have extra money, whilst on a very reduced income now and for the next year or so, and you spend it on your joint child, he has extra money and spends it on a motorbike. Weird.

vivainsomnia · 24/07/2021 13:00

Keep your pension money. Go back to work FT/increase your hours. Agree together how much you need for the baby and set a sum you will both save for the next 6 months to put towards it.

billy1966 · 24/07/2021 14:09

He does not sound as if he is actually keen on a baby and it is clear you can't afford another child.

What about focusing on providing for the children you have.

You are in a very vulnerable position, having another child.

His priority is a bike and he is a low earner?

How did your pay for IVF?

Blinkingheckythump · 24/07/2021 14:35

Please do not cash in your pension for baby stuff, that's a really bad Idea. The extra pay should be used for needs not wants, i.e. the baby stuff

HollowTalk · 24/07/2021 14:51

Why did you go for IVF if he's as half-hearted as this and you already have children?

AlexaShutUp · 24/07/2021 14:56

Why did you leave your last job, and was that a shared decision? What agreements were made at that time about how you were going to share your finances?

DeciduousPerennial · 24/07/2021 15:08

Why on EARTH would you cash in you pension to buy baby items?! Good grief.

His bonus buys those!

It’s not about “holding off” on the bike, it’s about him having regular bonuses but you still think you need to cash in your bloody pension to buy basic baby kit while he thinks he swan about buying bikes and so do you (even if that is just in a few months time)

Iwastheparanoidex · 24/07/2021 15:11

What’s your financial set up between you? Who pays what?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 24/07/2021 15:21

Jesus, don't pull the cash out of your pension!!!

MotionActivatedDog · 24/07/2021 15:22

It’s absolutely bonkers to cash in your pension for baby stuff. That money is for a very specific purpose and as a woman who has at least 3? Children your earning potential, and therefore pension fund, is already going to be taking a massive hit that your partners pension won’t be taking. It would be possibly understandable if you as a couple were absolutely skint and had no other way of buying a cot or pram (even so- gumtree/free cycle) but this isn’t the case. You as a couple have money that can be spent on your child. Leave your pension where it is. Seriously OP- you are making yourself so vulnerable, not just now but on your retirement years.

Aprilx · 24/07/2021 15:24

@ThePlantsitter

Next bonus goes straight into your pension. All of it. Look after your financial future (ex SAHM speaking here).
You say this as if DP made her take money out of her pension. He didn’t, he was against it.
DrManhattan · 24/07/2021 15:32

Text book example of how to make yourself financially vulnerable

Aprilx · 24/07/2021 15:33

@MotionActivatedDog

It’s absolutely bonkers to cash in your pension for baby stuff. That money is for a very specific purpose and as a woman who has at least 3? Children your earning potential, and therefore pension fund, is already going to be taking a massive hit that your partners pension won’t be taking. It would be possibly understandable if you as a couple were absolutely skint and had no other way of buying a cot or pram (even so- gumtree/free cycle) but this isn’t the case. You as a couple have money that can be spent on your child. Leave your pension where it is. Seriously OP- you are making yourself so vulnerable, not just now but on your retirement years.
Agree it is bonkers. But I am also quite puzzled, I thought pension money was pretty much untouchable once it was in there (until age 55 at least).
MotionActivatedDog · 24/07/2021 15:34

Yes there’s probably a penalty if OP cashes it in early.

Unless OP is confused and it’s actually shares?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 24/07/2021 15:35

The writing is on the wall here. Read it.

girlmom21 · 24/07/2021 15:44

Both save the money for a rainy day if you're on low incomes with a child on the way.

PicaK · 24/07/2021 15:50

Don't touch the old pension money.
In fact, open up a new pension and ask him to sit down and look at how you guys will pay into that while you are on maternity leave.

BornIn78 · 24/07/2021 15:53

You’re only 15 weeks pregnant so there’s plenty of time to buy the baby stuff - does it matter whether he uses this bonus or the next quarterly one to buy it?

Was it a joint decision for you to leave your job and drastically reduce your earnings?

He is encouraging you not to cash in your pension and I think that’s sensible.

Maggiesfarm · 24/07/2021 15:55

If he earns quite a lot and isn't mean I don't see why he can't have something he really wants. I'd only be concerned if it left you really short or it took him away from you a lot, which you don't want when you have a small baby.