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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this annoy you or am I being unfair?

75 replies

Poppoppogo · 24/07/2021 10:05

DP and I are having a baby, currently 15 weeks. We both really wanted it, had IVF (which failed) and then fell pregnant naturally 2 months later. So it was a bit of a surprise, but welcome. I think he’s struggling to get his head around it now though as he never really brings it up. He’s incredibly tired with work though so that might just be it.

So...

I recently left my shitty job and now really don’t earn much at all. About 20% of what he earns probably. This is fine, it suits me to work less (I have other kids so am happy to be at home with them more), esp when pregnant. After leaving my job I got a notice through saying that I could actually take out my pension contributions now. We talked about it and I decided that it might be good to use the money to buy some of the bigger baby items. He supported that decision, but just to be clear, he was more on the side of keeping the money in there (it’s not loads of money, but enough for a pram/crib/reusable nappies or towards renovating the bathrooms/bedroom to accommodate the baby which will have to be done soon).

At about the same time, he got a bonus from work. A similar amount. He is going to buy a motorbike with it. Biking is his hobby, he swapped his bike about a year ago though for a car, and I know his intention has always been to buy another one, so I’m not questioning that, just the timing really.

This could be my pregnancy hormones getting the better of me, but is this distribution of funds really fair?

So, would I be unreasonable to ask him to hold off with the bike until he gets another bonus (Theyre quarterly) so we can focus our funds on more immediate matters?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 24/07/2021 16:12

So you’re giving up your job, your pension, so just about everything to have a baby with someone who isn’t your husband and isn’t seeming overly keen?? You should have alarm bells going off. Always have a back up plan.

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/07/2021 17:39

What are your plans for how the finances will work long term if you're a SAHM? Have you thought about it, worked out a plan? Will DP be supporting all of you? Do you have a budget worked out?

You can't decide whether it's reasonable for him to buy the bike, or whether it's wise for you to cash in your pension - which it probably isn't - without having that plan in place for both before and after the baby arrives.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 24/07/2021 18:11

DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY OUT OF YOUR PENSION!

If you are young enough to be having a baby, you can't be anywhere near pensionable age.

You currently aren't working and therefore presumably aren't contributing to your pension, so what exactly are you planning to live off of when you retire? Fresh air?

Let your DP buy the baby things, and keep the money in your pension pot for what it's there for.

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 18:30

@Morechocolatethanbarbara

DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY OUT OF YOUR PENSION!

If you are young enough to be having a baby, you can't be anywhere near pensionable age.

You currently aren't working and therefore presumably aren't contributing to your pension, so what exactly are you planning to live off of when you retire? Fresh air?

Let your DP buy the baby things, and keep the money in your pension pot for what it's there for.

this...

you say DP so I assume you are not married.. Keep your money.. use his bonus for the baby stuff ... 🌸

VanillaSpiceCandle · 24/07/2021 18:51

Are you deliberately sabotaging yourself? How do you have no baby/children stuff if you already have children and had IVF.

Taking money out of a pension is very difficult to do without having massive penalties. And in a couple of months he will have more overtime pay or you could have both saved up enough. You’re only 15 weeks so you don’t need to be buying anything yet. I’m 17 weeks with my first (IVF) and have bought one babygrow, one vest and one blanket. Though I know it’s nice to look and plan!

Please don’t put yourself at any more risk than you already have. Keep your pension and try to save for the essentials.

JaffaRaf · 24/07/2021 18:57

You are only 15 weeks pregnant, absolutely no need to buy baby stuff yet, even when he gets his next bonus you will still have plenty of time to buy stuff. You chose what to do with your pension money, even tho you new he thought it’d be better not to, and he’s choosing what to do with his money. Sounds fair to me.

Flyingsatsuma · 24/07/2021 19:22

Another vote for leaving your money in a pension. Don’t spend it on baby items that will only be used for a few months. You will be glad you didn’t spend it when you get to my age! I nearly spent my pension 15 years ago. So relieved I didn’t now!

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 19:49

Im stunned you quit your job and used your pension for baby stuff whilst he buys a motorbike with his bonus

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2021 21:58

In your shoes I'd be looking out the bigger picture financially and working out a whole bunch of stuff. Don't cash in your pension. Make long term plans not short. Good luck

SmileyClare · 24/07/2021 22:20

I think you've had some good advice Op, although probably quite hard to read!

It's great that you've fallen pregnant after struggling with infertility so congratulations. I think it's easy to get caught up in everyday life and lose sight of the bigger picture.

It's not just thinking about your financial situation if dp leaves you. It's thinking sensibly about what would happen in the event of death, or old age. Not a fun conversation but it's inevitable one of you will die before the other.

Missedopportunity · 24/07/2021 22:36

You've given up your job so that you're now only earning 20% of your husbands wage and he's not a massive earner? If your finances can't stretch to him having a bike, how could you afford to jack in your job? And now you want to cash in your pension to buy baby things? It seems like maybe you should be sitting down and discussing finances because I don't think you have much of a grip here.

But congratulations on the baby. That's great news and your partner will come around in no time.

Smallkeys · 24/07/2021 22:55

As @RandomMess when a parent raises the child equal pension contributions should be made to each other’s pensions. As you are not married you will place yourself in a very vunerable position and the pension when you are younger is the best way to save and retire early. State pension is due to rise again in terms of age when you can claim

Smallkeys · 24/07/2021 22:57

Meant to say as random mess said earlier

Saoirse82 · 24/07/2021 22:59

Could he not get the baby stuff out of the next quarter since the baby won't be due until next year? Congratulations BTW!

underneaththeash · 24/07/2021 23:00

Please do not take the money out of your pension…

Joulesty · 25/07/2021 02:53

As others have said - protect yourself and keep the pension!

It does sound however like you to need to have a discussion about finances and what the future looks like. Do you have plans to increase your hours or re train after baby? Or plans to get married? I don’t think he is unreasonable in the sense that your finances don’t seem joined up.

I’m 19 weeks and have pretty much everything. So it’s not unreasonable. However as much as I sound smug, I’ve barely spent anything, I could have spent less tbh if I’d realised how much second hand stuff ends up being given away free earlier.

I’ve had a pram, two baby baths, two baby carriers, a playmat, a Moses basket, a load of bottles and sterilising kit, breastfeeding pillow, muslin cloths and blankets, and approximately six bin bags full of baby clothes for absolutely nothing from a local Facebook group.

The only things we have bought are car seat, crib + mattress + bedding, baby monitor, and some frivolous nonsense like baby sensory bits.

The main reason for me is environmental rather than financial but in your situation I’d say try and get as many freebies as you can- people are giving this stuff away for free as it just holds no value and is only useful for a short time. That’s not what you want to spend your pension on.

ElizabethTudor · 25/07/2021 03:05

@TowandaForever

If you haven't cashed in your pension- DONT DO IT!

This - with bells on. And his ‘bonus’ should be buying the baby stuff with any remainder going towards your pension / maternity pot.

Applesarenice · 25/07/2021 03:09

Don’t take money out of the pension!!!

SourAppleChew · 25/07/2021 04:00

I’d not raid your pension fund as it’s your security. However, I’d probably let him get the bike so long as he can afford it without the family struggling. Especially if he’s working his butt off to allow you to spend more time with kids that aren’t even his own (don’t mean that in a nasty way, just that he deserves a treat for himself).

DancesWithTortoises · 25/07/2021 05:23

Don't touch your pension. Bike money should be spent on baby stuff. He needs to grow up and learn about priorities in the adult world.

senoritarita · 25/07/2021 08:33

No. Just no. He can't have a bike now. Totally impractical. He needs to save the money for the baby and a rainy day. To help cover the mat leave

He's reacting to impending fatherhood and trying to claim back his single carefree boy life

Tell him to grow up

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/07/2021 09:01

@senoritarita

No. Just no. He can't have a bike now. Totally impractical. He needs to save the money for the baby and a rainy day. To help cover the mat leave

He's reacting to impending fatherhood and trying to claim back his single carefree boy life

Tell him to grow up

Yet the OP quit work despite having a baby on the way and two children from a previous relationship to support?

MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 09:11

It’s just makes no sense. If you can’t afford to buy essential baby items without cashing in your pension then you definitely can’t afford to be buying motorbikes. And I say you meaning you as a pair. You are a pair when it comes to this baby. The baby costs are a joint expense. Not yours alone. It needs to come out of your joint salaries.

Both of you need to set up a baby savings account and contribute according to your own salaries then when it’s closer to the birth you can buy what you need. Fwiw lots of stuff can be bought second hand. Don’t be spending nonsense money you can’t afford.

MuckyPlucky · 25/07/2021 10:29

Hang on, you say your DP is on a low-ish wage… and yet he gets quarterly bonuses each of which is big enough to buy a motorbike with? What kind of low-paid sector does he work in? I want IN!!

IsabelHerna · 02/08/2021 12:30

First of all, congrats on the baby!

But come on! I'm not hormonal (I think), and I think you're being to calm about it!

You have kids, you had IVF (so obviously he knew a baby is coming one way or another) and a motorbike is what you (as a family)need right now? Seriously?

Honestly, I don't think it's because he wants a bike but more like he is trying to deal with fatherhood and how his life is going to change - something like a midlife crisis-.

In any case, I think you should be able to talk about it like a couple and be able to reach a decision together.

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