Is anyone else just done with people?

[Rosalie21]

I feel like I lack the assertiveness needed to survive in the workplace. I’m seriously considering working from home, where I don’t have to see anybody. I’m quite a loner as it is.

I’ve been temping in a pre school, and I think my quiet nature hasn’t really made the best impression. I do try and be firm like if the kids are doing something they shouldn’t I will tell them, but I am quite quiet and softly spoken which I think doesn’t do me any favours.
There was a woman who’s also agency and who’s been there for a whole week longer than me. She’s not a room leader or anything but she kept bossing me about, yet I didn’t see her bossing the other agency staff about. She also kept handing me things and saying “put that in the kitchen”. “Go and put that there” etc no please or thank you.

In the end, I just stopped doing what she asked and just ignored it. She was saying “can you do that for me” and I just thought, do you think you’re my manager? I wouldn’t mind if she had seniority and was also giving orders to the other lady.

I heard the room leader whisper “she needs a rocket under her arse” presumably about me.

I was engaging with the kids and I did what was asked of me. I wasn’t just sat doing nothing. I have only been in that class a couple of days so still getting used to it, but just felt like I didn’t fit in there.

I’ve had this in a few jobs, where non superiors try to boss me about. I do hate being told what to do, and I hate being told off in front of other colleagues like a naughty child.

What I found a little rude was that yesterday when another temp left the room leader said, thanks for all your help, you’ve been brilliant.
When I left, she didn’t even say thanks.
I won’t be going back there. I just feel useless in the workplace and an easy target. Just had enough, I probably sound pathetic, anyone else?

I don’t think it’s necessary to constantly pick on little things, “no, we don’t do that like that.” Or “No that doesn’t need to be there.” In front of all the staff. I just feel really incompetent, I have had jobs where I’ve felt I did a lot better luckily but people can really make or break it

I'd do some reading on assertiveness so that as a quiet person you have a plan for dealing with inappropriately bossy people. Anne Dickson, A Woman in Your Own Right or Difficult Conversations are both good.

Thanks for that. I’ll have a read, I just kinda wonder how do you be assertive without simply saying no to them? Could tell at the end of the day she wasn’t happy as she was giving me dirty looks and only making conversation with the other agency lady.

I hear ‘I don’t like to be told what to do’ a lot. What does that actually mean?

Because I don’t know if a single job where you won’t have to deal with that on a fairly regular basis.

Yes, being more assertive in your day to day interactions would be helpful but you sound detached, like you’re not invested, and this is what I suspect people are picking up in.

I mean people who aren’t superiors have no place to be bossing others about. I’m happy to be told what to do by those whose job it is, can you elaborate on how I seem detached? I was happy to be there and I really like the children so I’m not sure.

It sounds like you need a lot of prompting/encouragement in your job? That's probably quite frustrating for other staff. They could be more polite though.

Maybe, but in what sense? I wasn’t sat doing nothing, I was always engaged with the kids. I am just quiet I think and maybe that comes across badly.

There’s a difference between asking for help with things and then handing me things and saying “go and put that there”.

@Rosalie21

I mean people who aren’t superiors have no place to be bossing others about. I’m happy to be told what to do by those whose job it is, can you elaborate on how I seem detached? I was happy to be there and I really like the children so I’m not sure.

I mostly disagree with this. I used to work front of house at a busy theatre-like venue, always in a team of 6-8 people, rotating occasionally. There was always at least one person on each shift that wasn't doing anything particularly wrong - they were doing what the manager asked them to do, quietly, without disturbing, and that was about it.

The issue was, the manager wasn't on the floor with us, and most of the tasks that needed completing throughout the evening weren't assigned by the manager. You were meant to keep an eye on what was going on, anticipate the need to sort something out on your own, as and when stuff came up. Taking initiative.

The 'less assertive' people would just sit there, doing their job yes, but not really helping. They did not show any initiative, nor did they ever offer to help the rest of us with any task that hadn't been assigned to them by the manager. So we all just ended up doing more work, because it was a 'improvise-on-the-go' kind of job and every shift would bring a new set of challenges.

I wasn't anybody's superior, but if this person wasn't appropriately pulling their weight or taking any initiative, I would definitely go and tell them to do X or bring YZ to wherever it was needed. Most of us did. We did 'boss around' others without being their managers, because they were sat there doing very little to help and if someone doesn't show initiative, that means they need a little extra pushing.

I would definitely have said to someone, anyone on the team really, 'go and put that there', because the job was busy and chaotic and sometimes orders were given regardless of status. It's really not that uncommon.

@Rosalie21

I don’t think it’s necessary to constantly pick on little things, “no, we don’t do that like that.” Or “No that doesn’t need to be there.” In front of all the staff. I just feel really incompetent, I have had jobs where I’ve felt I did a lot better luckily but people can really make or break it

I also wanted to say, even if they're saying those things to you, it doesn't mean they view you as incompetent. On top of everything I've said so far, I do think it's important to make people feel at ease especially in a new job, but don't feel discouraged by all the orders and nit-picking. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't think you're doing your job properly. Agree with the PP that people should always be polite, even when giving someone else an order.

The bossy one told me ‘Can you put the chairs away’. So I did, then 10 minutes later the room leader told me “You shouldn’t put the chairs away so early.”
I explained that the colleague had requested that I do it so I thought that it was usually done around that time.

I still think “go and do that” is a rude way to speak to somebody. Manners cost nothing.

I will try the above approaches. Before she told me to take cups away from children who still had water in them. I told her that some were still drinking and she said, well it doesn’t matter.

I then saw her giving a cup to one of the children so I asked her, I thought you told me to take cups away?

Try and be a bit more proactive and ask for guidance. Check in with your manager and ask if its OK for you to be doing x, y or z.
She can't say anything then because you have cleared it with the boss.
Also some.people act weird around quiet folk. Like they are suspicious

Hard to tell OP. However worth remembering that there's more to working in a classroom than playing with the children. Maybe the others felt you weren't really seeing what else needed doing hence them asking you to do things. I know I need my classroom colleagues to be keeping on top of admin, cleaning, tidying etc.

Maybe I was being too quiet and I should have been proactive. But I’ve had it in a couple of jobs where a colleague takes it upon themselves to act like my manager, and stupidly I let them.

Never worked in a preschool but I imagine they are very full-on, busy places, certainly that's the impression I got when my dcs were at kindergarten. There's a difference between bossing you about and showing you the ropes. They probably haven't got time for niceties. Next time, maybe head them off at the pass by walking in and asking them what they want you to do/have you got a specific task, or asking for guidance, as in"they did it differently at my other place" or something like that. Don't take it personally

The manager seems very busy and occasionally dashes in and out but seems like she has tons to do, don’t want to seem like I am pestering her.

Yes it’s definitely a very busy place and I think it’s just not in my personality to shout at the kids and have everything rush rush rush. I will try and ask but I will ask the room leader, not the one who thinks she is room leader.

I feel like this is just something you encounter in childcare roles and is one reason amongst others that I've left that career path for good. I feel your pain, I'm the same as you. Some of us are just a bit meek and struggle to stand up for ourselves and it's a very hard thing to develop if you're not naturally like that.

Sorry I can't give advice, but imo yanbu! And I hope it gets easier for you.

It sounds like the bossy one was on a bit of a power trip I guess cos she’d been there longer. But if this is a recurring theme then maybe it’s worth reflecting (as you’re doing) on how you come across and whether you could perhaps be a bit more proactive and working on your assertiveness.

I haven’t really had it in school roles, but I’ve definitely had it in childcare and elderly care.
She has literally been there a week longer than me and by the looks of it still doesn’t know all the ropes either.
Apparently she’s been offered a job so I guess whatever she’s doing is working.
I will try to work on being proactive.

If someone asks in such a manner, say loudly, in front of the children "I think you've forgotten the magic word there, Ms/Mrs xxxx!"

That's what I'd do - I cannot stand bad manners!

Even the other day when I wasn’t working in her class, I walked past her and smiled and she just sort of glared back so I didn’t get the best impression.

She should still have good manners but I have worked with a very quiet colleague before that never took the initiative. The manager left her to do next to nothing all day which didn’t bother me until it started affecting my workload. Then I would go in and get a bit bossy because I was sick of picking up her slack. Perhaps you need to be more proactive? I would definitely pull her up on her manners though.

I’ve never temped in a preschool or school, but I have temped in plenty of offices and this strikes me as par for the course, unless you’re extremely lucky. Most permanent staff in any setting seems to view temps as a) the absolute bottom of the pecking order, and therefore fair game to be treated as a direct report by everyone, and b) an irritant because they don’t know how things are done or where things go, and keep asking questions. If you were a new starter in a permanent role you’d have one person assigned to train you and you wouldn’t need to bother anyone else, but with temps there’s not the same investment because everyone knows they’ll be gone in a few weeks so nobody wants to spare the time. It’s annoying.

One thing did jump out at me in your OP, and I hesitate to mention it because I’m not in the business of diagnosing people over the internet, but I wondered if you had read about the ASD presentation known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)? I say this because I’ve recently come to the belated realisation that both I and my late father have/had this, and it’s really made a LOT of sense of many unpleasant workplace situations which we both found ourselves in, over the years. ‘Not liking being told what to do’, even in a setting where you know that’s kind of the point (ie. a job) is one of the prime indicators of this condition and it can make working life very very hard for sufferers (probably the wrong word, sorry). You don’t say your age, but I’m in my 50s and just coming to terms with this, and really wish I’d known years ago because it would have steered me away from jobs which caused me extreme distress, and towards a more autonomous career.

Obviously, it’s possible that you were simply unfortunate enough to have encountered a particularly rude, bossy colleague who was relishing a chance to throw her weight around, but the way you described your reactions really struck a chord with me. Apologies if I’m wrong - no offence meant, but I just thought if you read about it and any of it chimes with you then it might help.