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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New strategy for DH and housework

56 replies

Carrotcakefiend · 22/07/2021 09:23

Over the years I feel I have stealth ended up doing most of the housework and all of the house management. Sure many of you have been here. Today, I have a "day off" work. DH is WFH today but has been in the office for the rest of this week.

I shall spend today doing the shopping, cleaning (with the new mop I ordered yesterday because our dog ate the old one, and DH just said "dogs eaten the mop") and looking after our toddler.

I get that it's my friends coming this weekend but I feel I do just as much usually, and he also signed up to the having children game, and I have to deal with all this shit while I work too. Yesterday I was at work all day and also took in 3 parcels, a carpenter job, and tried to shop DD from weeing in the tomato plants, while on a conference call.

I'm done. So, my AIBU... Can I stop asking and nagging him and simply start doing one small job 3 weeks after we need it, and then talk about it for the next month? Also, can I really just leave my dish on the side with the magical words "I'll empty the dishwasher later" and then use the joint account to get takeout when the magic washing up maid has fucked off to get her nails done?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 22/07/2021 09:26

You need to be an adult about it. Sit down with DH and write a list to be the or all the daily, weekly, monthly and occasional jobs (buying kids clothes, dentist appointments). In brackets after each one write down how long it takes and then divide up the list.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 22/07/2021 09:31

You'll just end up looking petty and weird whilst also constantly stressed about the house being a tip. Games don't work.

Original poster
Carrotcakefiend · 22/07/2021 09:33

I guess it's less of a game for me and more just wtaf why does nothing work ? Also why me? You're right, I am being immature about it. I guess cos I am at my wit's end and feel like a child who wants to cry... If that makes sense :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrotcakefiend · 22/07/2021 09:35

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.

OP posts:
Wombat64 · 22/07/2021 09:36

The problem with this is that it just gets very bad & you'll crack first.

Wombat64 · 22/07/2021 09:37

Because you catch the passing thought & attend to it.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 22/07/2021 09:37

@Carrotcakefiend

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.
"Thanks for offering" innocent Halo face

Well, it's worth a try...

Kanaloa · 22/07/2021 09:38

Well he gets away with it because he says x needs doing then when he doesn’t do it you do it. Sit down with him and divide labour equally, if he doesn’t do his jobs ask why he isn’t doing them. Silly passive aggressive stuff isn’t going to help really.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/07/2021 09:38

You need to sit DH down and explain that there is no 'housework fairy'. That you're pissed off with doing it all and that he needs to pitch in and do his share. Not asking or nagging. But pointing out that he is a member of the household therefore needs contribute to maintaining the household.

By the way, I'm not sure 'taking in parcels' is that difficult or time-consuming. But appreciate you're frustrated with it doing it all.

Marmite27 · 22/07/2021 09:39

@Pissinthepottyplease

You need to be an adult about it. Sit down with DH and write a list to be the or all the daily, weekly, monthly and occasional jobs (buying kids clothes, dentist appointments). In brackets after each one write down how long it takes and then divide up the list.
But why does she have to write the list? Surely as an adult he’s aware that housework doesn’t get done by fairies?
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 22/07/2021 09:40

YANBU to be annoyed but you ABU to live like this.

Stressybetty · 22/07/2021 09:41

The conclusion I eventually came to after 10 years was that DH just doesn't see the jobs as his responsibility. He will leave dishes and mess around but it's like once he's stopped using something it's no longer anything to do with him.

Draineddraineddrained · 22/07/2021 09:48

Let DD wee on the toms, nitrates will do them good! #missespointofthread

Cattitudes · 22/07/2021 09:49

Identifying things that only affect him can be useful. For instance as dh doesn't pick his clothes up and take them down to the washing machine he now does all of his own washing because he is an adult, he could have brought them all down himself a day at a time and if he were living alone he would have to do it all anyway. You need to find the things that affect him and get him to do those things, like buying his mother a present etc. It may not turn out exactly equal but it will redress the balance a little.

EmRata95 · 22/07/2021 09:52

I would never move in with someone who is not capable of keeping on top of the housework without having to be shown what needs done, nagged, or prompted. So unattractive.

MenaiMna · 22/07/2021 09:56

Every single time you hear "X needs doing" the response is "Yes, not a big job, I'm sure you can get that done by X date/time. If you're not sure how to do it it I find wikihow/Google/YouTube are great resources" that's it, that's all: signpost to knowledge and and then tell him when he's missed the deadline.
The correct response to the post deadline inevitable "you're nagging me" is
"If you got it done you wouldn't get reminders"
The correct response to "why can't you do it for me I'm busy with work?" Is
"I too am busy with work, getting things done is what work is. I'm sure you can apply your business work brain to family work tasks - this is being an adult".
Sadly I've not always been this blunt but letting a teenager see a bad example of shirking dad has shaken me up and made me put these phrases on repeat to both of them.

SnarkyBag · 22/07/2021 09:59

Just stop doing the stuff that benefits him. I don’t wash or iron any of DH’s clothes. We have separate bedrooms due to his snoring and I don’t clean it or change his bedding. I don’t make sure there’s stuff for his packed lunches in the fridge. I don’t make appointments for him or chase with reminders for things he needs to do or buy his side of the family birthday and Christmas presents. I don’t pack for him if we go on holiday.

There’s loads of life admin you can drop for him that won’t affect you so that’s where I would start. Separate finances so he can’t use your money to fund his own laziness.

EmRata95 · 22/07/2021 10:01

@SnarkyBag has the right idea!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/07/2021 10:02

@Draineddraineddrained

Let DD wee on the toms, nitrates will do them good!

Bloody hell! This is revelation! Thank you!

LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2021 10:04

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.

Because you let him!!

Write a list of jobs which need doing very day/ every week/ every month/ every year.
Tell him in advance you want a chat about housework so he has time to think about it. (Which he won’t, but anyway). Then tell him you aren’t doing all those jobs anymore, ask him what HIS solution is to you not doing it all.

Also tell him that, if as a couple, you don’t realise this your resentment will build and build.

buddy79 · 22/07/2021 10:05

Talk to DH about it seriously and calmly. Tell him not just what needs doing, but how him assuming you will do it all makes you feel. Taken for granted, upset and angry towards him. It’s invisible to him until you make it visible. Spell it out.

I showed DH this www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2021 10:05

*resolve

OwlinaTree · 22/07/2021 10:07

Sympathy op. We had this when I went back to work after maternity leave. Because I'd been at home I'd done all the housework and he'd just got used to it. I went back to work and then was still doing everything!!

It really put me off him, and after a couple of months I explained that we'd just got into a bad cycle with the house, and that it was affecting how I view him. He did get a lot better and we both have jobs we take responsibility for now.

LakeShoreD · 22/07/2021 10:07

It’s been years and he hasn’t changed yet, so I wouldn’t be holding my breath for a miracle. If you can stretch to it I’d start by getting a weekly cleaner. I’d stop doing things that benefit him unless he starts pulling his weight so washing his clothes, anything to do with his family etc. And I’d tell him it’s deeply unsexy to feel like you’re parenting a teen, I mean seriously, what an absolute turn off.

LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2021 10:11

buddy79 that’s a great link, thanks for posting.