New strategy for DH and housework

[Carrotcakefiend]

Over the years I feel I have stealth ended up doing most of the housework and all of the house management. Sure many of you have been here. Today, I have a "day off" work. DH is WFH today but has been in the office for the rest of this week.

I shall spend today doing the shopping, cleaning (with the new mop I ordered yesterday because our dog ate the old one, and DH just said "dogs eaten the mop") and looking after our toddler.

I get that it's my friends coming this weekend but I feel I do just as much usually, and he also signed up to the having children game, and I have to deal with all this shit while I work too. Yesterday I was at work all day and also took in 3 parcels, a carpenter job, and tried to shop DD from weeing in the tomato plants, while on a conference call.

I'm done. So, my AIBU... Can I stop asking and nagging him and simply start doing one small job 3 weeks after we need it, and then talk about it for the next month? Also, can I really just leave my dish on the side with the magical words "I'll empty the dishwasher later" and then use the joint account to get takeout when the magic washing up maid has fucked off to get her nails done?

Thoughts?

Heavens above. Threads like this make me so glad i don't have a husband. More trouble than they are worth.

Why are there so many useless men on mumsnet?

In real life all the men I know pull their weight, do laundry, cook meals, do school runs, and generally participate as an adult parent.

To every single 'X needs doing' respond with 'ok, can you do that please?' Women are conditioned out of asking men directly to do things, and many of them have worked this out.
Then keep asking politely 'have you done X?'

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy right, you'd think the parcels would be simple... Except the delivery guy needed some code that only DH had and he didn't answer his phone so I had to send the delivery guy away. 3 times... Sigh.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I do need to sit down with him I know and while I grudge that it's me that has to do that... I guess he is the one who works insane hours and we benefit from that as a family too... Although I still argue he likes his job, I don't like housework.

Lol to the tomatoes comments, maybe I've found a use for DD copying the dog!!!!

We had this when I went back to work after maternity leave. Because I'd been at home I'd done all the housework and he'd just got used to it. I went back to work and then was still doing everything!!

I honestly think this is the start of it for most women. And the reason why many end up going part-time, having to let their career slide, giving up work entirely etc. Because it's really difficult to do everything at home and put the same amount of effort in at work as largely domestic-responsibility-free men can!

We both had demanding jobs, both with patches of long hours and working away over the years. We were always totally interchangeable as far as child rearing and house chores were concerned. Our philosophy was always neither ‘sit down’ till all the chores/paperwork were finished for the day. Being at home with babies and children-and teenagers is a joint responsibility and as important as earning/career. It’s all about mutual respect. Women who do wife work are creating another generation of stereotypes.

What would happen if you didn't empty the dishwasher? Maybe he would do it later

Might be worth lowering your standards a little and wait for him to up his game

If he says "X needs to be done", agree with him "Yes it does". No need for sarcasm / nagging etc, just amiable agreement. And then let it go. And wait

My own preference would be to tidy up immediately, but you can't always dictate someone else's timescale

The reason it's like this is because he doesn't care. He is fine with you doing everything or leaving it filthy otherwise. I suspect that his tolerance for filthy is much higher than yours, so when it comes to playing chicken and see who can wait the longest till one of you gets sick of the dirt and starts cleaning, he will always win.

There is not much you can you about this. He is a selfish man and no amount of talking will change this. You can make things slightly easier for yourself by not doing anything for him anymore. So stop washing his clothes and cleaning the spaces only he uses. Don't shop anymore for his things, though he'll likely end up stealing yours.

The thing is that if you want a fair household, the only option is to ditch him and start living for yourself and your children. At this point your husband is nothing but dead weight to you.

Pay a cleaner. I haven't looked back.

@Carrotcakefiend

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.

"Yes, it does need doing and it's not just my responsibility, is it?" Accompanied by holding his gaze and not offering to do it yourself...

^ has worked for me in the past!

You ask how he gets away with it, OP, and the answer is simple - bec ause you let him. I was told a long time ago the advice - "If you lie on the floor, people will walk on you". So don't be an accommodating doormat, get organised with DH about household chores and management, and looking after your children. He cannot just opt out while you do everything, don't let it happen.

Carrotcakefiend, unfortunately no amount of playing domestic strike games, adult conversations and faffing about with spreadsheets (tht YOU will of course have to write) is going to work. Your husband knows full well about inequality in your home. He is not bothered about it because it suits him just fine. The only way this is going to change is if HE himself decides that he needs to change. You nave no control over this.

It totally sucks, bu tyou only have two choices:

1. Put up with it, if you have the physical edurance and generosity of spirit. Here, you will have to accept that you will be tired and that your husband loves you, but with a strange, limited, stunted kind of love, that does not really involve deep care for your partner's wellbeing.

1. Leave him.

Both choices are shit. But it is very hard for women to win in a patriarchal society. Some lucky ones find partners who proactively share the work and opportunities. The vast majority, however, face what you are facing. Don't feel guilty about not winning the feminist battle in your nuclear family. Your family is part of our society and this society treats women as second class citizens still.

Forgot to add: You can make things a bit more bearable for yourself by only doing stuff that you think needs to be done. For example, don't do his laundry. If it's lying around, just stuff it in a ball into his wardrobe and shut the door. Don't buy his clothes, don't take his stuff to be mended. If he wants you to do something and you don't think it's necessary, don't do it.

So he said dogs eaten mop.

What did you say?

" OK. Well order a new one then."

If you do everything then he won't do anything

@Marmite27 “ But why does she have to write the list?” I said they both need to write the list, otherwise they may miss things off that the other does.

It's true that in relation to CERTAIN tasks, people may have different standards, and perhaps you have to accept that your way isn't necessarily the only way - A thinks the bathroom should be cleaned every day. B thinks that once per week is enough. A isn't necessarily correct

In relation to OTHER tasks, some people are fundamentally selfish and will take advantage if they can get away with it eg A leaves their clothes on the floor, expecting B to pick them up and wash them. In that scenario, A is clearly in the wrong. B would be best advised to ignore the clothes

@Carrotcakefiend

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.

Ive started saying “so DH what you mean is, you want me to do it??”

He got a bit pissy about it but seems to have got the message and does do more.

@Carrotcakefiend

I don't understand how DH seems to get away with just saying "x needs doing" as a passing thought and that's it.

Serious question - why do you think he's getting away with it?

Because you've been allowing him to get away with it

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

It's the opposite in our house. My husband likes an organised clean functioning house.

I'm from a long line of horders and I truly don't see mess or clutter, I'm blind to it.

I will mop the floor if I've started to stick to it. But by then it's been done.

He's the one tidying, cleaning, changing beds, vacuuming and doing laundry.

I've explained to him and he understands I think. I pitch in when he's doing tasks as it brings things to my attention. But It must look awful to others. Like I'm helping out of guilt. But I'm not. I live in absolute chaos and I don't like it. I really try but can't ever seem to make headway. My whole side of the family are the same. Chaotic.

I always tell him he's amazing to put up with me. He says I'm worth it, and I'm trying hard.

I think maybe this is my example that if a woman doesn't do it, it will get done eventually. But I don't think most women would cope with the level of chaos needed to achieve this.

My DH does this "the car needs booked in to the garage"
"Cat needs defleeing"

But never actually does any of these things. It's like he thinks by saying them out loud it will magically get done. And to be fair I used to do them. But not so much anymore. I just nod and go on with my day.
If he uses the royal "we" - "we need to do the shopping" I say "you"

I already work full time, do 90% of the housework, currently attending to DDs every food whim and looking after a puppy! If He actually notices something needs doing he can blimming well do it!

Sympathy OP. I tried this but the problem is that my DP is apparently incapable of seeing dirt/mess so doesn’t notice that jobs need doing and scheduling him doesn’t work as something always comes up. He said we don’t need a cleaner and he will do 2 hours of cleaning at the weekends. This was 3 weeks ago. He hasn’t done any. I am calling the cleaning company on Monday…

Write a note and calmly explain how you feel.
Hopefully that helps

I have no solution but I do find asking myself who will be most inconvenienced if the thing doesn't get done, helps. Also people who don't clean can pay for a cleaner to do their share.

I don't really get how the "people who don't clear can pay for a clear to do their share works".

Surely money in most households is just household money. So if a clear is hired, the money comes out of a common pot. Or is the husband going to say "Well, I don't want to clear, so I will pay for a clearner and now will not by XXX gismo that I wanted to buy for myself"?

Whoever pays for the clearner, the expense will always be a household expense shared by everyone whereas most of the benefit will go to the man.

I don’t do DH’s chores at all.

So if the bathroom doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done.

If the rubbish doesn’t get taken out, it doesn’t get taken out.

And so on.