Sad about DC relationship

[HeyGirlHeyBoy]

I'd love some perspective from parents who've had this and people who've been the kids in this station. I have 2 DS and I know deep down they love one another but there is a lot of squabbling, unkind words, particularly from the oldest towards the youngest. There's no sense of 'looking out for his younger brother'. Just dropped them to camp and eldest just walked on ahead of youngest (5) despite a 100m walk in same direction. I don't want to make them feel they must get on but it does make me sad to see that. He does say he feels youngest is preferred, of course that's not the case, but I hear him out and reassure him etc. Has anyone has this and come through? Is the hands off, bar obviously putting in limits with behaviour, the bear approach or should I be more insistent? Feeling a bit despondent this morning, would appreciate opinions and experiences.

I wonder if it’s to do with the age gap?

DS and DD are 18 months apart, don’t remember life without each other and are like twins. They are 11 and 12 years old, so still time for it to go horribly wrong I suppose!

DSS was 5 when the oldest was born and adores them both. He said he remembers the odd moment of jealously when they were very small, but it didn’t affect their relationship.

I am 5 years older than my DB and was very protective over him. I used to save up my pocket money to buy him presents and take the blame for things so he wouldn’t get told off!

DH is almost 6-years older than his DSis and he hates her. I’m pretty sure that’s a parenting thing though.

I’ve noticed lots of the warring siblings on this thread have a 3-year age gap.

Mm, I don't know but I can't do anything about it anyway! I do think a pp's previous point above re reacting with kindness is an important one and I do try this 9 times out of 10 (and then I'm a dragon the one time!) but DH has no time for this overall, says OB is 'getting away with it' and yet, and I've told him, sometimes the way he speaks to YB reminds me of DH speaks to him when annoyed! I'm going to watch carefully looking at what sets things off and how different handling at the time helps.. Siblings without Rivalry really is good so I've a few chapters reread already. Most of all I don't want him to grow up with resentment or a wedge between him and his brother that is caused by our handling of it now..

Mine war and have a 22 month gap. Tbh they're just really different people. I think they will get on better when they're older and I intend to send them to different secondary schools to give them a bit of space from the other, especially as they're in consecutive school years so there is friendship group overlap.

I have a younger brother with a 4 year gap, we never got on as children. The best thing our parents did was let us have our own space and ignore each other. We weren't forced to interact or be nice, we just couldn't be unkind or hurtful.

It got better in our teens and we get on fine as adults. Still not super close but we don't argue or anything.

The oldest probably wants more of your time and attention. If he feels he has this in abundance he is much less likely to feel resentful of his sibling.

I would also be sure to notice and reward when he does something nice with his bro.

Yes thanks, I do that. Its tricky with the wanting more time, I agree and yet he is naturally spending more time with friends and sports now so there simply isn't the time left in the day sometimes. However I will do best and be mindful of it.

@slashlover

Mine was 8 years younger so it’s a bit different.

Once she pulled me around to the floor by my hair so hard I got a migraine and vomited.

She still wasn’t reprimanded.

I was being a ‘drama queen’.

I get that rivalry is normal and it’s largely fine if the underlying relationship is healthy.

If it’s not then it needs addressing properly.

I care for two boys (4&6) and find that the elder can behave in quite a mean way toward the younger.

I present his behaviour back to him factually, and without emotion or judgement- just describing it. He often gets the point immediately (he is intelligent) and takes a different tack. Then I praise him for his kindness and empathy.

It will be different, because I’m removed, being their carer, rather than their mum, but she says she’s noticed a difference in their behaviour.

This is all very familiar to me. My DDs are 3 years apart in age (12 and 9 now). They’re also adopted and birth siblings; we pushed hard for DD2 to come to live with us, because we thought it would be important to them to be together eventually. DD1 was nearly 4 when DD2 came to live with us at age 1.

It has been very difficult at times, though they do appear to be closer now. DD1 has always been extremely jealous of DD2 and has constantly accused us of only caring for her. This previously had a lot to do with the fact that she was violent towards her (she was violent towards me as well).

In addition, she’s always tried to cling tightly to her, especially at school. She’s always struggled to make friends, due to SEN and attachment issues, and used to try to hang around with DD2 and her friends (which wasn’t appreciated).

Things have improved between them since DD1 moved up to high school. They still have blazing rows at times, but there is nevertheless a strong bond between them now. DD1 still accuses us of favouring DD2 and siding with her (and tbf DD2 is very bright and well capable of being manipulative so I do try to remember that).

It’s a minefield at times, isn’t it? But at the end of the day, you can’t force siblings to be close to each other.

No I won't ever force closeness, though of course I hope they would be. Big blow up this morning over who got to pick their TV programme first. Oh for two channels and no choice!! Great day yesterday at least. Feel like I'm fire fighting sometimes but will keep reading book.