Should I let MIL be our cleaner?

[Carolba]

I am due to go back to work full time next week after 12 months maternity leave and have been worried about keeping on top of the house. I don't want my precious weekends and evenings being taking up with cleaning the whole house I want to be able to enjoy that time with my DD. Talking to my DH he 100% agrees in paying for a cleaner and suggested his MIL! Now, she is an amazing cleaner, absolutely LOVES cleaning (used to have her own cleaning business) has the time and I know could do with the extra money ( I know she would happily do it for free but I would insist on paying) But I went mental, big arguement, absolutely no way and whilst DH doesn't see a problem with it he agreed to get another cleaner but insists that we can't tell his mum because she would be heartbroken and very insulted we hadn't asked her. So now, sitting here and speaking to several cleaning companies I am thinking of changing my mind! Am I mad??? It does seem crazy paying a stranger all that money when MIL would love to do it, would do an excellent job and needs the money herself? I haven't mentioned anything to DH husband yet cause if I open that conversation again there will be no going back so I want to be positive it is what I want. Have any of you had positive experiences having your MIL as a cleaner?. If I do what boundaries do I set? Or am I just setting myself for a life long horrible situation that I will never be able to get back out of? AIBU in not allowing my MIL to be our cleaner?

Nah, we'd just do it ourselves, cheaper and it's to your own liking.
Can never see the point in having to tidy everything up so a cleaner can clean.
It would need a full night in our house to get ready for the clean

I'd recommend a very frank discussion with her about your need for a cleaner, but not wanting to employ someone else if she would like to do it, and also what would happen if it doesn't work out for either of you.

Absolutely not, that's a terrible idea. What if you had a busy week and the place is in a state? You'd feel so guilty having MIL clean that up. What if she doesn't do things as you want them? What if she snoops? What if she makes judgmental comments? What if she's late? What if she messes you about or, the opposite, does too much? Will you be able to fire her?

There's so many ways this can go wrong, it's just not worth it

DON’T DO IT!!!

It’s a recipe for disaster, there’s too many what ifs. Never mix business and family.

If your MIL is an amazing cleaner, you might end up being very grateful.
As you suggested - have some limits:
eg only two hours on Mondays and Thursdays
Just do kitchen, bathroom and the stairs carpet
Just for 3 months till you're back in a routine
etc etc

[quote Carolba]@pilates I blame the hormones to some extent! I think I just panicked about it. I kept reading lots of horror stories about MIL being a cleaner and snooping, looking down on me etc and then there is the feeling of paying my MIL to basically clean up after us. I don't know it just feels weired[/quote]
This is why you should not change your mind. It is never going to change . You’ll be running around tidying up before she cleans for fear of how she’ll judge you. And that her curiosity will overcome for ethics for a little snoop if situation arises.
Stick with your guts

I'd be uncomfortable with it. My MIL also loves cleaning but with a 'my way is the best way' sense about it. It's not a flat no but there are 3 points that stand out in about 15 years of relationship that sway me to the no side:

1. Went on holiday and came back to find that a garden gate had been replaced in our fence, in a very different style. We'd mentioned once we >might< want to replace the gate, MIL was v friendly with a carpenter and got him to do it for us, but without any warning or consultation at all. First strike.

2. MIL used to visit one of her children who lived in a shared house for 3. She would literally be pulling on rubber gloves once the door was opened to her for a visit and would clean top to bottom. Bit of a vibe of 'it won't be good enough until I've done it' but was quite embarrassing and she wouldn't hear that it wasn't a help.

3. Didn't happen to me but a friend had a similar experience to the gate one; MIL moved her pictures and photos around on the walls because they 'looked better like that.'

So there are boundaries, and boundaries...

I'd be worried that she'd hope to get in house childminding/Nannying duties as well. Which would be way too much for anybody to take on; their MIL being their cleaner, nanny and quite possibly also expecting to be housekeeper/cook.

Your reaction may have been a little hormone induced over dramatic, but wanting to keep MIL/Grandma as fun and somebody to see as a being a good thing you want to do, rather than knowing she'll be letting herself in and might make a start on her version of dinner instead of what you actually wanted to make is entirely sensible.

I paid my sister to clean for me for a couple of years. She used to move things round a bit, but actually most of the time it was an improvement. (Never told her that because, well, she's my sister. Hehe. Just used to roll my eyes and say, OK, it can stay there.) If I didn't like it there, I used to move it back and she knew to leave it. She did a fantastic job, worked hard and I could trust her 100%. On the down side she broke my table leg and turned all my underwear pink!

I guess as my sister I wouldn't have problems having words if I wasn't happy and that might be different with a non blood relation. But if you get on with, she's nice and she's not a snoop, why not? You could get a cleaner who's none of those things - and not that good to boot.

I'd pay mine but tell her not to go in my bedroom and only wash bedding and towels etc. I'd want most of it done when I wasn't there but would be happy if she stayed one night for tea. That's mainly cause I like her.

Mine is nice and would stick to these rules. I think that is the main issue. I'd hate to give money to a cleaning company when my MIL needed the money.

If your MIL wants to clean your house to an excellent standard, organise it and make your dinner her way and that's not acceptable to you, please send her to my house. I'm happy for advice if someone else us doing the work.

Your reaction may have been a tad OTT, but I think you should listen to your instincts. This is NOT a good idea. You may have different ideas on what should be done, when and how and she may well not be interested in listening to you. Getting a good cleaner who you connect with is a lot like getting a good gynaecologist - it's a pretty intimate relationship so you want someone you feel comfortable with and who is on the same page.

I use an agency and there are definitely some cleaners who I find do a job that works better for me vs others. It is what it is.

No matter how lovely she is, and how great a cleaner, this is about boundaries. Her being that involved in the running of your house, when she's in a parental role, is just asking for tension and friction over her, however innocently, inevitably either offering advice or just reorganising things - she's also human, she's going to judge sometimes as we all do - life is too short.

You say you like the idea of a temporary trial period. I think you’re kidding yourself a bit there. Picture yourself having the conversation that begins “I’m sorry, this hasn’t worked out, we’re going to get someone else”. Could you really do that and have everyone emerge perfectly happy?

You’ll be running around tidying up before she cleans for fear of how she’ll judge you

We tidy up every Thursday evening before our cleaner (not family) comes on Friday. Not because we fear being judged but so that she can clean properly without having to move all our stuff. Also it's much nicer on Fridays if the house is clean AND tidy, there's never more than a weeks 'stuff' hanging about.

OP it depends how professional you think you can both be about it. I would say, as a childminder, never mix family and childcare but it clearly works for lots of people.

I like the idea of a temporary situation though ..... I like to think that it could work.
that's 10 times work! Instead of saying a no, we don't mix family and business which is reasonable, you want to basically sack her? How is that even going to work.

You over-reacted to start - it was not a ridiculous idea, especially as she had her own cleaning business. Fair enough to be uncomfortable and decline, but the temporary arrangement is nuts.

A trial would be a disaster. You'd never be able to ask her to leave

Either go for it, or (probably better) don't. But definitely not a trial

It's easy to see potential problems with MIL. But most of them are the same or worse with a cleaning company. I'd hate strangers having a key. And they might snoop/steal. Just make sure she is actually a good cleaner so you don't have to complain or sack her. And lock your secrets and valuables away whoever is cleaning.

I once employed my MIL as a cleaner, on paper it made sense, she is great at cleaning had the time, and could do with the money.

in reality, she kept calling in sick, asked for sick pay and holiday..... on the rare occasion she did turn up she stuck around all evening and expected dinner to be made for her and the house would end up a mess by the time she left.....

Hide your vibrators.

Nooooo. I could not have MIL poking around in my stuff and judging my slatternly standards of housekeeping!

I was thinking more of the "trial" being more of ...... "we are thinking about getting a cleaner just for a few months whilst I settle back into work and adjust to working full time and being a mummy, just temporarily" if then it hasn't worked out for me then I could just say I feel more organised now, thanks for all your great help over the last few months but I can manage the cleaning myself now. Then resign myself to the fact that I can never employ another cleaner and will have to do it myself lol ...... on the other hand if its great I can just say that I don't know how I ever managed without her and would she possibly consider doing it permanently

It wouldn’t bother me at all!
I have paid DD and DS to clean for me I’m past but sadly both are now too busy
A friend of DS cleaned for me whilst on furlough but has now gone back to work
I need a reliable cleaner and prefer someone I know and trust (been let down by people years ago one who stole some jewellery - other just used to knock off early and not do a great job)
A friend cleans for a living and would be fab but she refuses to mix work with leisure so won’t clean for those she knows

a bit of a helping hand for a brief period? maybe if you have that sort of relationship
paying her to do it Don't, just don't. Once in a million years, employing family or friends in your home works excellently. The rest of the time its a shitshow.

In the past not I’m past!