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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let MIL be our cleaner?

96 replies

Carolba · 20/07/2021 15:32

I am due to go back to work full time next week after 12 months maternity leave and have been worried about keeping on top of the house. I don't want my precious weekends and evenings being taking up with cleaning the whole house I want to be able to enjoy that time with my DD. Talking to my DH he 100% agrees in paying for a cleaner and suggested his MIL! Now, she is an amazing cleaner, absolutely LOVES cleaning (used to have her own cleaning business) has the time and I know could do with the extra money ( I know she would happily do it for free but I would insist on paying) But I went mental, big arguement, absolutely no way and whilst DH doesn't see a problem with it he agreed to get another cleaner but insists that we can't tell his mum because she would be heartbroken and very insulted we hadn't asked her. So now, sitting here and speaking to several cleaning companies I am thinking of changing my mind! Am I mad??? It does seem crazy paying a stranger all that money when MIL would love to do it, would do an excellent job and needs the money herself? I haven't mentioned anything to DH husband yet cause if I open that conversation again there will be no going back so I want to be positive it is what I want. Have any of you had positive experiences having your MIL as a cleaner?. If I do what boundaries do I set? Or am I just setting myself for a life long horrible situation that I will never be able to get back out of? AIBU in not allowing my MIL to be our cleaner?

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 20/07/2021 16:07

Don’t do it! Your MIL will try to take over your home. Seen it many times.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 16:09

This is a terrible idea, and if you needed to fire her it would become a nightmare. She would become far too enmeshed with your lives. Do not do this.

RookieRoo · 20/07/2021 16:10

The thought of this makes me shudder. Mostly because I know my PIL would likely snoop and share info with their other kids and family members. They don't really do privacy and boundaries.

The only person I really trust alone in my house is my own mum, though. Not even a professional cleaner. That's because I know my mum's situation from when she grew up and I know she has the same boundaries as me (wouldn't even look for a mug in my cupboard at first as opposed to my in laws who would open every door for a peek)

diddl · 20/07/2021 16:12

My MIL keeps her cards close to her chest, but expects everyone else to tell her their innermost secrets.

Well, not quite, but you get the jist!

So I can't help thinking that she'd snoop.

Pretty sure my own Mum would also-or at least read stuff that she'd "accidentally come across"!

Possibly rearrange/tidy drawers etc & do stuff that I really don't mind doing myself under the guise of being helpful!

Fl0w3ry · 20/07/2021 16:14

I think it depends on your MIL. But I think maybe even a non-interfering one has potential to become too overly involved in your lives if they are always sorting through your things. I left my MIL alone in my house once and she went through our paperwork and passed comment and also went through all of my photo albums. But she's a nosy cow naturally.

Planttrees · 20/07/2021 16:16

My MIL did my cleaning and my FIL did the garden. It worked brilliantly for us so I would go for it. I was always out at work so it wasn't a problem but I guess it depends how judgemental your MIL is!

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 16:17

Yea I don’t think I’d like this. Unless you had a really good relationship I’d hate a relationship cleaning my house frequently.

Fl0w3ry · 20/07/2021 16:18

You will also be leaving yourself open to criticism I'd she has a 'my precious son deserves....' mentality. She could end up telling you everything she thinks you are doing 'wrong' in the house.

wigjuice · 20/07/2021 16:20

I employed a family member to clean for a while, during which time I ended up cleaning before she came to do it. I couldn't get my head around her seeing my mess. House had never been so clean.

Glitteryfox · 20/07/2021 16:20

Depends on your relationship and her personality. I would have had no problem with my MIL doing this for me because I completely trusted her not to snoop and to be respectful.

I actually used to clean for her. She took me around at the start and showed me how she liked everything done, so I just followed that routine. We never had any issues, I never broke anything or snooped or moved things around. She was very tidy so it was easy.

Saidtoomuch · 20/07/2021 16:20

Potentially yes, but only if you have a contract or written description of work with set times etc, lock your bedroom and study doors, and have a family rooms and bathrooms only arrangement. I have a good friend who cleans, and although I know I don't need a locks on doors, she doesn't "do" our bedrooms as I'm wierd about them being our sacred spaces.

pigsDOfly · 20/07/2021 16:21

You say you like the idea of a 3 month 'trial' period OP.

But what happens at the end of it if you decide you no longer want her cleaning for you?

Is she going to accept that without a fight, or is she going to 'insist' that you need her to continue working for you because she's making your life so much easier and so on and so on.

And what if she did stop cleaning for you when you asked her and then you employed a different cleaner and she found out?

She'd be hurt and probably angry and that could create all sorts of problems between you.

Don't do it.

Employing family members in this sort of role can be fraught with problems.

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 16:23

As long as she is not nosey and overly critical, I would say employ her. A person who loves cleaning is a gem indeed! Both my mother and mother in law loved it, whenever they came over my home was transformed!

Topofthepopicles · 20/07/2021 16:24

I wouldn’t do this in a million years and I love my MiL. I’d place bets on there being a new thread in 6months about something mental that has happened. Save yourself a lot of grief and avoid altogether!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/07/2021 16:24

Hard no

never
never ever. nein, nyet, non, nem, no

don't do it

Lemonmelonsun · 20/07/2021 16:26

It entirely depends on your Mil though!

Mine would begrudge everything, say we are dirty, be disgusted at our filth probably expect us to clean first, moan about not being appreciated etc and root through our stuff, be nosey and throw things away without our permission.

My dm on the other hand, her heart would be glowing at the prospect of being helpful, she would not root or be a nosey, she wouldn't be unkind about mess, she may heave but a have a good laugh about it... Grin so if it was her yes, my Mil, absolutely not.

tallduckandhandsome · 20/07/2021 16:27

But I went mental, big arguement, absolutely no way

Going mental is never good. But no, I wouldn't want this.

bloodyhell19 · 20/07/2021 16:27

No. No no no no no no effing no.

Don't mix family and money, for a start.

But also: unless you want endless "tips" and conversations about how you should do things in your home, don't do it. I'm sure she's lovely and you get on fine, but very few DM/DMILs can resist telling you a better way to do things. Paying her for her expertise would give her license to do that.

"but that's what you pay me for!"

No!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/07/2021 16:28

Don’t ever combine work with friends/family

This is an excellent rule of thumb. Employing a member of your family has so many potential pitfalls.

The fact that you said no shows that you don't have the kind of relationship with your MIL where this would be a good idea.

Terhou · 20/07/2021 16:29

I wouldn't have my MIL as a cleaner in a million years. I'd be neurotic about her prying in our desks and drawers, and judging our cleanliness and tidiness standards and what I've got in the fridge.. And what happens if she wants a pay rise and you can't give it? Or if you're not happy with her work? Or she ends up spending all her time playing with the children instead of working?

Terhou · 20/07/2021 16:30

Why would you need to clean the whole house every weekend? That sounds a tad obsessive.

fallfallfall · 20/07/2021 16:30

if she did this professionally then surely she is aware of what goes on in a "house".
i'd expect her to be professional, treat you like other clients, and suggest you deal with the master bedroom on your own.
and don't be goady leaving her a real sty of a mess just because you can.

gogohm · 20/07/2021 16:32

All depends on your relationship, is she likely to have boundary issues? Could you have a 6 week trial?

0DETTE · 20/07/2021 16:33

@Aquamarine1029

This is a terrible idea, and if you needed to fire her it would become a nightmare. She would become far too enmeshed with your lives. Do not do this.
I agree.
TheWeeDonkeys · 20/07/2021 16:33

My MIL has her own cleaning company and cleans for us every other week and never had any issues. No idea if she's snoops but she knows most things anyway so there wouldn't be anything for her to find out.
I dont think she's ever touched my underwear or my husbands like a pp said she might. She doesn't do our laundry either.
Shes always asked what we would like her to do/dont do, so that hasn't been an issue.
You can be up front about her not cleaning your bedroom for example, if you know she will stick to it.

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