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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I just let this friendship go?

62 replies

RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 17:36

There is a group of us who've been friends since school, we were very close growing up and still meet up and chat regularly now.

A few of us are married and all but one of the girls has children now.

Friend without DC is married to a man who does not want children at all. She has struggled with this since they've been together and I believe is quite depressed about it. However, she makes it very hard for anyone to help her.

I do feel for her, we've all started to have children around about the same time and I know she struggles with that.

But it's gotten to the point now where we are not allowed to talk about our children at all (we honestly don't go on about them but if we mention them at all she gets upset). She won't attend anything where our children are, which is fine but then also refuses to attend if we try and arrange things without them.

We have a group WhatsApp with her where none of us talk about our kids and we have now made a separate one without her for us to share the occasional things about the kids (a few of us often look after the others DC's so we use it for that ect), which I feel bad about but don't know what else to do. I know she'd be really upset if she knew that.

She is regularly telling us individually how pissed off she is with us for having DC, she knows it's not rational but it annoys her.

Her husband is adamant and has been since they met, I know a few of the girls in the group are confused about why she even continued with him if it was such a big thing for her but I try not to judge. But it is getting to the point where we just don't know what to say to her anymore.

Is it best just to let this go? I don't get the impression she really even likes any of us anymore and is constantly just annoyed or upset with us purely because we have children.

What do I do? I want to be a good friend but I don't know if that's continuing to push or to leave her be?

OP posts:
laalaaland · 19/07/2021 17:52

That's really hard. I understand it must be hard for her but friendships grow and evolve, people change and to just not want to hear anything about what is a major part of your life is not really a good friendship.
You could either have a frank and honest conversation with her about it, or slowly let the connection fade. I don't envy you though, it's a difficult situation.

mbosnz · 19/07/2021 17:55

I think I'd be saying rather bluntly that I think perhaps she ought to give serious thought to whether she needs help, such as therapy or counselling, to deal with her feelings and reactions when it comes to dealing with her life choice, because it's not realistic to be expecting her friends to be constantly walking on eggshells around her, when they have had the temerity to make a different life choice.

Saz12 · 19/07/2021 18:04

Try and separate how you feel about how she is with you, and how she is with her others in the group. If you don’t want to be around he’d, then can you avoid her on social occasions without it being obvious- sit further away from her, or whatever. Don’t meet up just the two of you, that type of thing. Then you’re not instigating a “we don’t want to stay friends with her”situation.
If she says to you “I hate it when xyz talks about her children” then address it.

Catflapkitkat · 19/07/2021 18:11

If he was upfront from the beginning about not wanting children and she chose to stay with and marry him then she is unreasonable to take her anger and disappointment on her group of friends. I agree with the poster above, perhaps suggest some therapy to deal with feelings.

Original poster
RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 18:24

I don't think she'd take well to us suggesting therapy. She is very defensive about this subject.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 19/07/2021 18:26

Agree with pp.
she needs help to reconcile her bitterness with her choice to stay in a potentially childless relationship.

DroopyClematis · 19/07/2021 18:29

That you have set up a separate group without her suggests that you are all fed up of treading on eggshells with her.
She needs to realise that she cannot dictate natural conversations or play dates due to her angst regarding this matter.

Catflapkitkat · 19/07/2021 18:42

I would be understanding if this was an infertility issue but she made a choice
to be with someone who was upfront about it. If having a child means so much, she could leave him.

As for being defensive about about therapy - she is not coping and can't expect to be shielded from all children for a choice she made.

Saltyslug · 19/07/2021 18:42

Can she get a pet?

Original poster
RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 18:48

@Saltyslug

Can she get a pet?
She has a fly
OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 18:48

Dog** no idea where fly came from?!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2021 18:51

This is difficult.

She made a choice to marry this man, knowing that he didn't want children.

This was her choice. And she may have hoped she could 'change his mind' over time' which obviously hasn't happened.

But she obviously desperately wants children, and resents those of you that do.

I don't think I've ever suggested this before, but if you are really good friends with her (and it sounds like you are). You (all or some) need to sit down with her, call her out on her behaviour, tell her you are worried about her, suggest counselling, tell her you are all there for her, but she cannot continue to keep beating you all with this stick.

If she won't go for that, then that's up to her.

But it sounds as if her mental health is starting to take a swerve, and as a friend, you need to make sure she's aware of this. And that she can get support if she needs it.

What is the average age of your friend group?

Frogsonglue · 19/07/2021 18:52

I used to have a friend who was a bit older than me, so already past childbearing years, and became incredibly bitter and resentful when our friends started to have children. Although I didn't yet have my own at that point, I still decided I needed to distance myself from her as it was all becoming really toxic. I did tell her exactly why too, and I've never had any regrets.

drpet49 · 19/07/2021 18:52

* I don't get the impression she really even likes any of us anymore and is constantly just annoyed or upset with us purely because we have children.*

^She resent the group and will always hold it against you. Regardless of what you want to do, this friendship is dead. No going back now. Besides she is a shit friend. She has made shitty choices and she needs to learn to live with it.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 19/07/2021 18:52

A pet fly Grin. I know it was a typo but hahaha.

FlowerArranger · 19/07/2021 18:58

I don't think I've ever suggested this before, but if you are really good friends with her (and it sounds like you are). You (all or some) need to sit down with her, call her out on her behaviour, tell her you are worried about her, suggest counselling, tell her you are all there for her, but she cannot continue to keep beating you all with this stick.

I agree.

NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 18:59

Jesus. Poor woman. She must be desperately, desperately unhappy. Sad

However, she’s being completely and utterly irrational and making it nigh-on impossible to continue a friendship with her.

How would it go down if you gently explained that to her?

SparklyWindow · 19/07/2021 19:05

Like this?

Do I just let this friendship go?
Original poster
RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 19:25

@SparklyWindow

Like this?
🤦🤣 it was a good typo!

Thanks for all the suggestions. It is difficult. I really don't think she'd react well to us suggesting counselling or even bringing it up at all. She is extremely defensive and I imagine would rather us all just pretend we don't have children. To be perfectly honest she has always been white selfish in some ways.

I know a few of the other girls are just ready to walk away now, they get really annoyed by it.

We are all late 20s/early 30s.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 19/07/2021 19:29

Well then, I think you should all just crack on, she can have her hissy fit, and let the chips fall where they may.

withgraceinmyheart · 19/07/2021 19:37

I’m in a similar situation OP. I haven’t dropped the friendship completely but I’ve backed right off. Ok hoping we might be able to reconnect once my kids are older. Probably not though if I’m honest.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/07/2021 19:47

dog or fly?

Do I just let this friendship go?
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 19/07/2021 19:51

Yeah I would start backing off tbh and let the friendship die by itself in due course. Its really sad but I think it does happen as friends get older and lifestyle choices change. I really feel for her if she wanted children though, I wonder why she didn't do anything about it (like leave)

cabingirl · 19/07/2021 19:52

You could let things fade, but without a huge confrontation.

She might work through her feelings on this, she might end up getting a divorce.

So you've kept a door open just in case.

SoundBar · 19/07/2021 19:54

It's beyond rude and not very self aware to actually say to her friends she wishes you didn't have kids Confused

She's not going to get far in life treating her friends as emotional punching bags..!

Unfortunately it sounds like she has made her own bed and now it the time to let her lie in it