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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I just let this friendship go?

62 replies

RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 17:36

There is a group of us who've been friends since school, we were very close growing up and still meet up and chat regularly now.

A few of us are married and all but one of the girls has children now.

Friend without DC is married to a man who does not want children at all. She has struggled with this since they've been together and I believe is quite depressed about it. However, she makes it very hard for anyone to help her.

I do feel for her, we've all started to have children around about the same time and I know she struggles with that.

But it's gotten to the point now where we are not allowed to talk about our children at all (we honestly don't go on about them but if we mention them at all she gets upset). She won't attend anything where our children are, which is fine but then also refuses to attend if we try and arrange things without them.

We have a group WhatsApp with her where none of us talk about our kids and we have now made a separate one without her for us to share the occasional things about the kids (a few of us often look after the others DC's so we use it for that ect), which I feel bad about but don't know what else to do. I know she'd be really upset if she knew that.

She is regularly telling us individually how pissed off she is with us for having DC, she knows it's not rational but it annoys her.

Her husband is adamant and has been since they met, I know a few of the girls in the group are confused about why she even continued with him if it was such a big thing for her but I try not to judge. But it is getting to the point where we just don't know what to say to her anymore.

Is it best just to let this go? I don't get the impression she really even likes any of us anymore and is constantly just annoyed or upset with us purely because we have children.

What do I do? I want to be a good friend but I don't know if that's continuing to push or to leave her be?

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 19/07/2021 19:55

She's being massively unreasonable. I do empathise but at the same time, if she's this hard work with you, I'm struggling to imagine she's not hard work with her husband as well, if they see babies out and about, etc. If he's been upfront with her throughout and it means this much to her, she was unreasonable to marry him tbh. Sorry to go off on a tangent - I'd speak to her. Tell her that although you won't go on, you can't completely avoid talking about your kids, and she needs to decide if she wants the friendship on those terms.

Clymene · 19/07/2021 19:58

Well it's not too late for her to have children. She has made a choice. A choice that she's unhappy with but it's still solvable if she really wants children.

I think I'd stage an intervention. All get together and tell her that she's making it impossible to be friends with her but that you'd support her in ending the relationship. If she chooses her husband over you/children, then that's her choice.

MouseInCatsClaws · 19/07/2021 19:59

i agree that a gentle but truthful conversation is worth having: "I'm finding it difficult to be friends with someone who is so obviously resentful of a very important part of my life".

If she realises how her friends view this aspect if her, it might give her a push towards accepting her situation, or changing it.

Cam2020 · 19/07/2021 20:00

She chose to be with a man who doesn't want children, nobody forced her! She sounds very bitter! Cool off for now, she might come back to you once she's learnt to be a reasonable human being.

Original poster

RainbowsAndShit · 19/07/2021 20:06

@takealettermsjones

When she was a bit more open about it she has told me her husband has basically said enough is enough she either gets over it or leaves him as I understand she was arguing with him a lot over it.

OP posts:

Bbub · 19/07/2021 20:15

She sounds like a nightmare, it's really not your bloody problem that she's in this situation. I'm sure you've been sympathetic and understanding towards her but enough enough.

Id just let it go slowly. I wouldnt bother having a convo with her about it. You'll end up being slagged off to the others who may take her side, or act like they do, in order to avoid conflict with her (like everyone has been doing up until this point).I'd focus on the child friendly gatherings and let everyone else tip toe around her if they wish.

Futureself · 19/07/2021 20:16

Your children are very much part of you and your life. I would by now be having normal conversations with the group about all the things you want to talk about, laugh about or are proud of, that your children are doing. That's normal. Your other friend should at least feign interest, because that's what friends do. If she doesn't like it, she needs to find other friends.

RealBecca · 19/07/2021 20:18

You need to tell her as a final act of friendship. With her husband telling her as well she might push herself to make a decision. And actually i think it leaces the dopr far more open for her than being phased out.

Notaroadrunner · 19/07/2021 20:25

I couldn't be bothered with her. It would be different if she and her Dh could not have kids and she'd been trying ivf or similar. In that scenario I'd be more understanding. However, she has chosen to marry a man who told her he did not want kids. Maybe she thought she'd wear him down over time and is now so pissed off that he's not changing his mind so she's taking it out on everyone around her. She has a choice - accept a life without kids or leave her Dh and have kids, be that via donor or a new partner. She doesn't get to tell the rest of you that you cannot talk about your kids.

LemonPeonies · 19/07/2021 20:29

She sounds batshit and personally I wouldn't keep this friendship. Does she never leave the house in case she sees a child? The world doesn't revolve around her, she needs serious help.

MrsMcTats · 19/07/2021 20:34

Every time she says she's pissed off you had kids, you need to say, 'We're really fed up with you saying that - it's very hurtful.' 'Did you honestly think we all wouldn't have kids?' She needs to be called out on how ridiculous she's being. I'd also stop arranging things around her. Organise events with the kids without feeling guilty and it's her problem if she misses out. You've all indulged her, but you can't go on like this. If you're going to phase her out anyway, it shouldn't be a concern if she storms off and never speaks to you again.

Charliecatpaws · 19/07/2021 20:43

You and your friends can’t just pretend that your children don’t exis, they’re part of your family FFS

youdoyoutoday · 19/07/2021 20:53

"She is regularly telling us individually how pissed off she is with us for having DC"

I'd drop the friendship based on that! I know it sounds harsh but that would just annoy me!!

Motherofking · 19/07/2021 20:58

I do think she is too much. I had a friend who had fertility issues and cried when she found out i was pregnant because of it , so i chose to keep baby related topics away from her. however she has always asked about my son and was very happy when i gave birth. i find it very hard to feel sorry for your friend since she made that choice to not have children

drpet49 · 19/07/2021 21:09

* Every time she says she's pissed off you had kids, you need to say, 'We're really fed up with you saying that - it's very hurtful.' 'Did you honestly think we all wouldn't have kids?' She needs to be called out on how ridiculous she's being. I'd also stop arranging things around her. Organise events with the kids without feeling guilty and it's her problem if she misses out. You've all indulged her, but you can't go on like this.*

^Spot on

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 21:14

@MouseInCatsClaws

i agree that a gentle but truthful conversation is worth having: "I'm finding it difficult to be friends with someone who is so obviously resentful of a very important part of my life".

If she realises how her friends view this aspect if her, it might give her a push towards accepting her situation, or changing it.

This. If you care about her you owe her this honesty.

Anyusernameleft · 19/07/2021 21:18

I think you should just ask her to think about your friendship & if it is too hard for her to continue & explain kindly that what she is doing is asking you to be utterly silent about a huge important part of your life and, although she has her personal reasons around this, it is not fair to ask this of you as a friend. I don't think it s okay to want a baby herself so badly but choose a path (with this man) that means she will not have a child if she stays with him but then effectively punishes you for being true to yourself & making a life choice to have children. I am sure it is heartbreaking for her but she needs to accept the consequences of that choice...it is up to her if she can maintain the friendship...if she wants to then it should be real & honest. She doesn't have to be the 'auntie' at the b'day parties & all that...but you can't be silenced about your children or pretend you don't have any in her company. I feel very sorry for her...but there comes a point where you just can't enable any more.

Bigboysmademedoit · 19/07/2021 21:52

The years you have with your friends having kids together are precious and you are all missing out by not talking about them, meeting up together with them etc. This same friend will, if she has a kid in the future, make her kid the centre of everything and expect you all to dote on it and bring it to every meet up. I’ve experienced this - don’t acknowledge your children but expect the world to revolve around theirs. She’s being unreasonable with her friends and partner - do what suits the group and if she declines to join in then leave her to it. Too much bitterness.

Nayday · 19/07/2021 22:00

It depends on how good a friend and what she means to you.

The kindest but hardest thing to do will be to tell her, gently, but tell her the truth about the situation 'I feel for you but I have children, so they will come up in conversation and we are going to meet up with kids because that's part of our friendship too. I'm sorry your DH doesn't want children'.

It's almost like she's not facing the situation with her husband and trying to avoid your kids. You may do her a favor, she clearly isn't at peace with the decision x

DukeofEarlGrey · 19/07/2021 22:15

I think you have a couple of options here. Either gently move back from the friendship altogether, or try the ‘intervention’ suggested by a PP. I wouldn’t normally support the latter as she doesn’t sound ready to take responsibility for herself yet, but if you are only late 20s/early 30s then she has plenty of time to find a new partner and have children of her own. Not that you need to spend lots of energy getting her to that, but maybe it would help her to have it spelled out as she seems unable to see the wood for the trees. Also, women are fed such bullshit about fertility that she may consider her chances to be over - I was astonished to find that one of my friends thought she needed to ‘get on with it’ because she’d been brought up to believe that women should complete their families by 25.

DukeofEarlGrey · 19/07/2021 22:16

Oh, and she should definitely get a fly if she doesn’t already have one.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2021 22:18

She is extremely defensive and I imagine would rather us all just pretend we don't have children.

Well, that's impossible, And In that case, given the title of your post...Then yes, let this friendship go.

Sorry.

larkstar · 19/07/2021 22:42

I agree with @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy and @FlowerArranger - this is one of those times when true friends should step even if they think their efforts might not be welcomed - you would be acting in her best interests by trying to get her to open up about what she is really feeling - she may well be regretting putting herself in this situation - if this is how she really feels, if having children is important to her she will have to make some big decisions - she'll need friends and support - it's OK for her to have realised her true feelings or changed her mind.

I wish my sister had said something about the difficulties she was having conceiving - she never said a word until it was far too late - not having children completely shapes her character - she is very sad and bitter about it.

billy1966 · 19/07/2021 22:43

Let the friendship fade.

She needs to sort her head out.

IMO when you start having children you have enough to juggle without PITA friends.

You need friends who are supportive and who wish you the best.

They certainly don't need to be on the same path as you, but there needs to be mutual support.

Anything else is just more work.

Honeyroar · 19/07/2021 22:59

I think you’ve indulged her too much for too long. I think you’re going to have to be a little cruel to be kind. Tell her you’ve all been as kind and accommodating as you all could so that she could get used to the fact that the man she’s chosen doesn’t want a family. But tell her that her scathing comments about the fact you all have children are actually very hurtful and upsetting. Say that your children are very important to you and you hate having to pretend they don’t exist to her. Say that she either needs to get help to come to terms with her situation or leave her situation. Say that she’s putting a massive strain on her friendships. She might well take offence and storm out initially, but something might go in when she takes time to reflect. Either way you can’t go on like this any longer..

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