Do I just let this friendship go?

[RainbowsAndShit]

There is a group of us who've been friends since school, we were very close growing up and still meet up and chat regularly now.

A few of us are married and all but one of the girls has children now.

Friend without DC is married to a man who does not want children at all. She has struggled with this since they've been together and I believe is quite depressed about it. However, she makes it very hard for anyone to help her.

I do feel for her, we've all started to have children around about the same time and I know she struggles with that.

But it's gotten to the point now where we are not allowed to talk about our children at all (we honestly don't go on about them but if we mention them at all she gets upset). She won't attend anything where our children are, which is fine but then also refuses to attend if we try and arrange things without them.

We have a group WhatsApp with her where none of us talk about our kids and we have now made a separate one without her for us to share the occasional things about the kids (a few of us often look after the others DC's so we use it for that ect), which I feel bad about but don't know what else to do. I know she'd be really upset if she knew that.

She is regularly telling us individually how pissed off she is with us for having DC, she knows it's not rational but it annoys her.

Her husband is adamant and has been since they met, I know a few of the girls in the group are confused about why she even continued with him if it was such a big thing for her but I try not to judge. But it is getting to the point where we just don't know what to say to her anymore.

Is it best just to let this go? I don't get the impression she really even likes any of us anymore and is constantly just annoyed or upset with us purely because we have children.

What do I do? I want to be a good friend but I don't know if that's continuing to push or to leave her be?

A pet fly?

Is your friend's name Billy William the third?

However, I would just start chatting at get together about your dc, like people usually do, and if she gets funny use the suggestions from other posters to pull her up on this. She can't keep penalising you for a decision she has made and is unhappy with. If she doesn't want to leave her partner to try and start a new chapter she has no room to complain. The fact her partner is threatening ut us the end if she keeps going on is another risk - she might lose her dp as well.

I think I would have a gentle but firm conversation with her saying you understand it's difficult for her and she's clearly struggling and perhaps needs to address that with a professional. Also that she is not being fair to you or others with dc expecting you to behave as if your dc don't exist! I would also point out to her that this IS a choice she's made, by staying with someone who doesn't want dc she is deciding not to have them herself. She has agency in this.

However prickly she may be I think the air needs to be cleared. Either she'll take what you're saying on board and address it in some way. Or she'll take my ridge and cease the friendship which to be honest is probably better sooner than later.

Not discussing with her is really just delaying the inevitable

I lost 3 before dd and was dx with endo, there was a point I really thought I might never be a mother, I had dd but then it turned out I have a rare condition which meant future pregnancies would likely prove fatal and so couldn't have any more.

I went through periods were I couldn't be around pregnant women or babies (and I LOVE babies)

But I recognised it was my issue that I needed to work through and had therapy both times to work through everything in my mind.

What I didn't do was expect people to not get on with their lives and celebrate and enjoy their dc. I avoided certain events when things were too raw like christenings but I sent cards and genuine best wishes, and when and where I was able i explained to people.

The vast majority of people were understanding aside from a dick colleague of ex's who made an unsavoury comment just days after the last mc while I was still in hospital very unwell and ex very nearly lamped him! Frankly I wouldn't have blamed him! Some people are dicks - on both sides of this type of situation.

This sounds like a long term/ongoing issue and not due to a recent thing she has had to get her head around.

While some women (perfectly validly) choose to be child free the fact is most women still have dc at some point, she's going to end up very lonely if she alienates all women, indeed people, with dc

If you're all at the point of walking away anyway you've nothing to lose and may even help her.

How old is she and her husband?

If she were posting on here I'd be warning her about the frequency of men who won't have dc with 1st wife/partner but then in their 40's/50's sod off with someone new and knock them up within a year! Seems to be happening more and more these days.

Her husband is right, she needs to either decide to accept not having dc or leave him and have dc either alone or with someone else.

I'd advise her to do the latter.

This same friend will, if she has a kid in the future, make her kid the centre of everything and expect you all to dote on it and bring it to every meet up

Ohhhh yes! I'm amazed there hasn't been an "accidental" pregnancy already, wouldn't be surprised if there was in the near future either.

It’s tricky. I was once in a similar situation to your friend many years ago. Married and DH at the time not keen on kids but going along with me. Turned out later that I had medical problems making it difficult to conceive. Anyway, I was at that time with a group of long term friends, all who had young children. And that’s ALL they could talk about. It was so boring and monotonous. I eventually realised nothing was going to change, their whole life was their kids, so I distance myself from the group. DH didn’t last but since then been with DP and have step children as well as lots of nieces and nephews who I can spoil. Travelled the world and feel I’ve made the most out of life. I occasionally bump into individuals from that group. They just moan about their teenagers and are still boring.

@Nayday

It depends on how good a friend and what she means to you.

The kindest but hardest thing to do will be to tell her, gently, but tell her the truth about the situation 'I feel for you but I have children, so they will come up in conversation and we are going to meet up with kids because that's part of our friendship too. I'm sorry your DH doesn't want children'.

It's almost like she's not facing the situation with her husband and trying to avoid your kids. You may do her a favor, she clearly isn't at peace with the decision x

that sounds like a good way to go. Its one thing to want to occasionally meet up for adult time but you cannot pretend you dont have children. I am sure she wouldnt pretend not to have a husband if she had single friends. BTW maybe very gently ask her if she is sure she is ok with no children - as sometimes... the time for children passes and DH leaves for another woman and has baby almost immediately. sadly seen it happen. So she had better make sure its her choice in the event the marriage breaks down.

She is being very unreasonable. Kids, while great, are also a big challenge. They take up a huge amount of time and energy and they are right there in the middle of a parent's life. You don't have to love your friend's kids, but you should have their backs as parents, and respect the hard work they are doing.

Could she disguising infertility by saying her DH doesn't want children? It seems a bizarre way to behave otherwise because she still has options if he doesn't want children she can leave and likely have them since she's still young. If it was infertility I'd have a lot more sympathy but if she's made this choice herself then I'd speak to her about it or start to distance myself. She's obviously very unhappy if she's behaving like this and if imagine her marriage will struggle to survive if this is how low she is about it.

She sounds really distressed – what a shit dilemma to be in. Could you not have a chat with her and check she’s ok? It’s clearly creating awkwardness already so get how you might be reluctant to broach what’s obviously a sensitive topic, but if she’s a friend you care about, it seems pretty harsh for you all to consider dropping her at the same time. It sounds like she could do with some support ending her marriage tbh.

Let the friendship fizzle out. If she’s a really good friend then you can reconnect in a few years time when she’s either accepted her DH or has dumped him and found a new one.

I don’t think you need to do anything. Continue as you are, being considerate. She’s clearly really upset about the child aspect and is working things through herself but not coming through the other end. If you’ve any courage maybe you could chat to her, say you notice she’s unhappy and finding the group stressful because of the baby issue and tell her you’re worried that it seems like something she really wants and is it worth leaving her partner and finding someone who wants the same thing

Without wishing to sound unsympathetic, I don't think you need to pander to this. When you have children, they do tend to be central to your lives (whether you want them to be or not!), and that is the reality of the situation.

Expecting people not to talk about them, and even to pretend they don't exist, is not reasonable. The friendship is unlikely to be sustainable if that is what she wants so I would say you act normally ie talk about the children, ideally not to the exclusion of every other topic and if she finds that unbearable then the onus os on her to absent herself form such meet-ups.

You know what, I'd have the row. You're wanting to fuck her off anyway. Tell her if she wants kids then she needs to ditch the bloke and find someone else, but none of you are going to tip toe around her anymore.

OP in your heart of hearts do you want the friendship to continue? If yes, it sounds like she is having a real crisis here and it's too much pressure for you to deal with at the moment. Yes it's unreasonable behaviour but if she's such a good friend do you want to get her help? It sounds like the husband couldn't give a toss. I know you said you don't want to suggest therapy but could you meet up with the sole purpose of asking her what she needs and if she wants to be your friend? I'm not sure ditching her will make either of you happy.