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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I over-react?

55 replies

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:11

I don't exactly live with my BF of five years (still have my own house, etc. etc.) but I'm here a lot when I don't have my own Children, more than his Children are.

He has an in-person meeting tomorrow meaning he couldn't collect his Youngest from School. I offered to. He accepted, and even, on the way back from somewhere, took me to show me the car park where he waits for her (late Primary).

I got back this pm from a w/e with my own Children to find that, discussing his week over Sunday Lunch, his Parents, who lives locally, his Mother offered to collect the Child and give her Tea (tbh, I dont know why they were discussing it if it was no longer a problem as I had offered). This was discussed in front of the Children. He accepted, apparently not even saying "Shadow has already offered".

He doesn't understand why I am hurt: I think he was discourteous in how he handled it and how he told me, given I had offered and he had accepted, yet another fait accompli; he told me in a very off-hand way, like it wasn't a big deal, a few minutes after I had arrived back from a long and hot and emotional drive, dropping-off my Children; I feel dropped, again, in favour of his Mother; he didn't give me credit in front of his Family for the offer I made, even if he had changed his mind about using it; he was still assuming I would be around later when he had to take the Elder Girl somewhere, yet I was, apparently, at fault assuming arrangements made stood, and, finally, he goes on about wanting me to work on my relationship with his Girls, even citing this as some natural 1-2-1 time, only to change his mind. He thinks I was challenging his authority to make decisions for his Children and had a go at how it was actually saving me effort and that my last minute changes usually mean he has more to do ...

Who is BU?

OP posts:
GreenPixieHat · 19/07/2021 00:31

YABVVVVVVVU!

This is a complete non issue. You need to get some perspective or your relationship is doomed.

SirusTheVirus · 19/07/2021 00:33

Has the heat got to you?

Massive over reaction and VVVVU!

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:33

I felt a bit taken for granted, again.

OP posts:
cantgetmyheadroundit · 19/07/2021 00:33

Total overreaction, sorry.

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:35

Oh. OK. It just felt like yet another arrangement made with me which was then changed without any input from me and I was presented with a fait accompli.

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:36

Sigh. That's a shame.

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 19/07/2021 00:36

Massive OTT. Why would you be this upset over now not picking a kid up from school Hmm

saraclara · 19/07/2021 00:37

You want credit for offering? That's weird.

And he probably thought that it was being s bit cheeky to get you to do it, when his mum (their grandma) could, and would enjoy having them round for tea.

I honestly don't understand why you think this is taking you for granted. If anything it's the opposite..

SirusTheVirus · 19/07/2021 00:37

Fait accompli?

OP - you’re being dramatic!

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:37

@SirusTheVirus yeah, I'm rubbish in the heat and had been driving for two hours.

@GreenPixieHat I think it may be, long-term but it (mostly) suits us atm.

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:39

If he was in the right, I wish he had been a bit a lot nicer about it ...

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 19/07/2021 00:42

Surely he was saving you a chore….? Confused

CalishataFolkart · 19/07/2021 00:43

“Yet another fait accompli”
“taken for granted again”
“yet another arrangement”

Sorry OP, YABU for only AIBUing about one altered arrangement when there is clearly a massive backstory.

ohthatbloodycat · 19/07/2021 00:44

No, I do sort of see what you mean OP. To not acknowledge that you had already offered was a bit odd and rude.
One would like to hope that he accepted the other offer to save you the bother. Either that or he's a total mummy's boy! Confused

R0tational · 19/07/2021 00:44

The capital letters Confused

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/07/2021 00:45

Agree that this issue wasn’t really a big deal but I imagine this is part of a bigger picture where you feel insecure in your place in his life. The point you made about 1-2-1 time sounds like he’s critical of you not having a closer relationship with his DCs but then when you’ve reached out and tried to take on a role of step mum he’s taken it away from you.

I wouldn’t focus on this one instance but maybe try and take a look at the patterns here.

If it helps, a book called StepMonster has been a game changer for a lot of us on the step parenting board. The main theme is that there’s no right or wrong way to be a step mum and that you can find a role that suits you, however involved or not that may be. It gave me the ‘permission’ to stand back a bit and not feel obliged to step into that 3rd parent space.

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:52

@CalishataFolkart yes ... sadly. Mostly between his Ex and himself and, mostly, giving up my time with him, most recently, a day out we had planned.

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:52

@R0tational a stylistic quirk ...

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:53

Pretty much @MarkRuffaloCrumble ... he's very defensive about it all.

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenBee52 · 19/07/2021 01:00

Don't feel bad.. you felt momentarily useful then dropped without a thank you for offering.. so now you feel kinda irrelevant in the bigger picture .. 5 years is a long time to be still at this stage tbh..

are you happy with this arrangement ? still not really considered part of the family after 5 years.. 🌸

ittakes2 · 19/07/2021 01:03

I am sorry I found it hard to read your OP but I think you are saying you kindly offered to collect this daughter even though it was a hassle for you - his mother offered to do it and he accepted and you are upset he said yes to his mother or at least upset that he didn't tell his mother you had offered. If this is correct than yes you are being unreasonable.

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 01:06

That's it exactly @QueenBee52. Good enough to share cooking and expect to clean the house I use but not enough to be dealt with courteously. Always second best.

They don't do social niceties: Whatever the reason, the small politenessnesses that oil wheels are lacking. He doesn't half go-on if I change arrangements, though ...

[Edited by MNHQ to remove personal details]

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 01:07

@ittakes2 I offered. He accepted. He then ditched the plans we had made without even talking to me when his Mother offered.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 19/07/2021 01:20

He doesn't half go-on if I change arrangements, though ...

so the double standards are glaringly obvious..

Is this the most you are going to get out of this relationship my lovely... ? is there likely to be a merging of your households .. or are you free Cook/Cleaner/Sex/company ... then off you pop home ...

I think you need to think deeper about where this is going... for your own sake OP 🌸