Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I over-react?

55 replies

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:11

I don't exactly live with my BF of five years (still have my own house, etc. etc.) but I'm here a lot when I don't have my own Children, more than his Children are.

He has an in-person meeting tomorrow meaning he couldn't collect his Youngest from School. I offered to. He accepted, and even, on the way back from somewhere, took me to show me the car park where he waits for her (late Primary).

I got back this pm from a w/e with my own Children to find that, discussing his week over Sunday Lunch, his Parents, who lives locally, his Mother offered to collect the Child and give her Tea (tbh, I dont know why they were discussing it if it was no longer a problem as I had offered). This was discussed in front of the Children. He accepted, apparently not even saying "Shadow has already offered".

He doesn't understand why I am hurt: I think he was discourteous in how he handled it and how he told me, given I had offered and he had accepted, yet another fait accompli; he told me in a very off-hand way, like it wasn't a big deal, a few minutes after I had arrived back from a long and hot and emotional drive, dropping-off my Children; I feel dropped, again, in favour of his Mother; he didn't give me credit in front of his Family for the offer I made, even if he had changed his mind about using it; he was still assuming I would be around later when he had to take the Elder Girl somewhere, yet I was, apparently, at fault assuming arrangements made stood, and, finally, he goes on about wanting me to work on my relationship with his Girls, even citing this as some natural 1-2-1 time, only to change his mind. He thinks I was challenging his authority to make decisions for his Children and had a go at how it was actually saving me effort and that my last minute changes usually mean he has more to do ...

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 19/07/2021 01:27

Your response is frankly bizarre and I think must be based on things outside of this description you gave? Or else you’re just being weird.

Offering to pick someone up is not “plans”, it’s a chore that you seemed to be making a huge deal out of. I have no idea what you are talking about when you say “fait accompli” and all this stuff about his mum collecting the child instead, what are you on about?

Let’s say I had a package that needs collecting, I ask my GF if she can do it. It’s actually more convenient for my mother to do it and when I’m talking to her later she says she can grab instead, I say fab thanks and say to GF it’s fine don’t worry. Did I need to spend 5 minutes telling the mother about how my GF had agreed to do this task (praise be upon her!) or ask the GF in advance if she would agree to give up her parcel collection “plans”?

Flowers500 · 19/07/2021 01:29

[quote IridescentShadow]@ittakes2 I offered. He accepted. He then ditched the plans we had made without even talking to me when his Mother offered.[/quote]
1: you didn’t have “plans”, if collecting a child is “plans” then you need to start doing date nights and things a bit more exciting

2: no conversation was needed. The idea of having to ring someone to ask for permission to cancel asking them to collect someone is just ?????

Hadtocomment · 19/07/2021 01:35

Actually I disagree with a lot of the posters here. I have no experience of this. But if you are with someone for 5 years you'd hope to be some kind of unit surely. Not only did you offer to do him a favour but he also seemed to waste your time taking you to the place to show you how to pick them up etc etc. If his mother offered to do it instead it then means you were messed around unnecessarily. If he's saving you a chore he could surely have said - that's great - OP offered and I'll check it with her as I don't want to mess her around". After all you might have arranged or even rearranged stuff in order to do this favour for him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I'd want my partner to chat it through with me if I'd gone to such effort. And if we were a unit and been going out for 5 years I'd want more consideration when it came to decisions and have things run by me if they involved me - and had involved me wasting time already over them rather than just having that time wasted, my offer dropped without running that past me first.

But obviously I'm not a stepmum or in this situation and perhaps there are different rules about these things. But at the end of the day - I still think it's rather disrespectful to your time (on face value - there might be lots more to this and indeed he might have just thought he was saving you a chore. But he doesn't even seem to have thanked you for messing about being shown where to pick up from and having rearranged your plans about it. )

Topseyt · 19/07/2021 08:17

Absolutely nothing in your extremely long winded and hard to decipher OP would have bothered me at all. On this score you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

Picking up his children was hardly "plans" or a date night. Personally, I'd have been delighted that he had accepted his mother's offer. I'd have been annoyed if he hadn't.

What is the wider picture as this alone is such a non-issue?

Drivingmeupthewall · 19/07/2021 08:24

For you to be so upset by a seemingly non-incident @IridescentShadow, there is obviously a lot more to this. And reading your following posts it’s becoming slightly clearer.

To an outsider, this relationship sounds a bit shit; he sounds like he holds you to a higher standard than himself, makes demands and criticisms of you and also, there is already controlling MIL issues which will only get worse. Is it all worth it?

Greenwateringcan · 19/07/2021 08:27

I wouldn’t have taken that under my notice in and of itself. There’s obviously a huge backstory.

SuperstoreFan · 19/07/2021 08:30

Unless there's a massive drip feed you do sound like a drama queen.

Merryoldgoat · 19/07/2021 08:32

If you think the relationship is doomed anyway and there are all of these issues, what’s the point? Why not just end it now and have your freedom?

I don’t understand how relationships like this which are such hard work are worth it? You have zero ties to him. Just call it a day.

LawnFever · 19/07/2021 08:34

You’re being incredibly melodramatic about a non incident.

His mum saved you a chore and it wasn’t something that needed a big discussion at all.

burritofan · 19/07/2021 08:42

If you take away the longwindedness and dramatic language (fait accompli?!), this boils down to:

I don’t live with my DP. I offered to pick his kid up from school and he agreed; later he arranged for his parents to do it instead, and mentioned this to me as an aside. Am I being unreasonable [ed’s note: YES] to be outraged by this non-issue?

Honestly, don’t sweat the small stuff or in this case the non-existent stuff. And drop the random Capitals. It’s not a stylistic quirk, it’s just something that makes you look mad and puts people in the mindset to call you unreasonable from the get-go.

FlowerArranger · 19/07/2021 08:49

@IridescentShadow - your OP is all over the place and, at face value, one would wonder what the heck you are on about.

But your subsequent posts, whilst not really giving a full picture of your relationship, suggest that at the heart of it is a big void and not much else. You are feeling peripheral to his life and taken for granted, and your self-esteem seems very low.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? After 5 years, even if you have valid reasons for choosing not to live together, you'd expect it to be less hard work, and for there to be greater closeness, more care and consideration.

What exactly is making you stay with this man who, on the face of it, seems to treat you as a convenience?

Chloemol · 19/07/2021 08:59

You are being unreasonable

AuntMargo · 19/07/2021 09:13

Oh dear, you are making a fuss over nothing !

Dandy0911 · 19/07/2021 09:22

I literally can't see an issue.

You offered. He accepted.

Their grandparent offered to get them and have tea. He accepted that instead to probably make your life a bit easier.

Unless you havent told us the whole picture i genuinely don't see how someone could get upset by this.

You don't offer to do things to be credited for them. A little thanks would be nice but apart from that, that's it??

Googlewasmyidea1 · 19/07/2021 09:23

I think he was a bit unreasonable here actually, you offered to pick his DD up, he accepted and then completely changed his mind. That's a bit rude in my book

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2021 09:42

I wish posters would sometimes look beyond the obvious

With your subsequent posts its clear him doing as he pleases and expecting you to fall in line isn't unusual

Are you happy with that?

Eviethyme · 19/07/2021 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QueenBee52 · 19/07/2021 12:28

@Nanny0gg

I wish posters would sometimes look beyond the obvious

With your subsequent posts its clear him doing as he pleases and expecting you to fall in line isn't unusual

Are you happy with that?

I so agree... they read the mood of the first responses without reading the OP's heart felt updates at her horrid treatment from this guy and his family.. even after 5 years together.. and jump on the band wagon..

OP YANBU... you are being horribly used and treated very badly.. 🌸

Ponoka7 · 19/07/2021 12:45

If he went back home and regressed to teenage behaviour, then his Mother probably felt that she had to step up and that bond then developed. I'd say him taking up is Mother's offer is easier, she has them longer and does tea. I think that you are reading that bit wrong.
He's putting in the littlest amount of effort that he can with all of you.

Cocomarine · 19/07/2021 13:07

This incident on its own? You’re totally unreasonable.

But even before you started to hint at backstory, this SCREAMED backstory.

You don’t need “credit” - especially from his family - for being prepared to do a basic favour.

But if he never thanks you for anything, ever - then you end up feeling like you should have credit.

Changing the plan is nothing - it gives you back your time and it’s lovely for the child to see the grandparent.

But if he has a go at you when you change plans, and if he is lecturing you about 1:1 time* with his kids then of course you’ll be pissed off!

He sounds like an arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

*just on 1:1 - my kids have a stepfather and stepmother. They really adore both - especially stepmother. Get on really well, get them cards for special days without prompting… but neither have had much 1:1 time with the children. You don’t need. Be a good person, you’ll develop a bond. I’m very 🤨 at your boyfriend deciding you ought to be doing 1:1 time. Mostly to either reduce his own parenting, or just to criticise you in expect.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2021 13:08

he didn't give me credit in front of his Family for the offer I made

UM... what?

Maybe his Mother just wanted to spend some time with her granddaughter.

Really don't understand the fuss you're making.

MaskingForIt · 19/07/2021 13:11

@R0tational

The capital letters Confused
I was assuming English wasn’t her first language, as some other languages use capitals for nouns more prolifically than English does.
pinkcircustop · 19/07/2021 13:37

YABVU. This isn’t even an issue Confused

QueenBee52 · 19/07/2021 14:05

Read the updates...

the guy is a lazy good for nothing loser who has used OP to clean cook entertain him for 5 years ... treats her like Shit ..

Please end this OP 🌸

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/07/2021 14:08

I'd think that he sees doing the school run as a bit of a pain in the arse and assumes you do too and that he was saving you a job. Its separate to spending quality time with a child to be honest

Swipe left for the next trending thread