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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I over-react?

55 replies

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 00:11

I don't exactly live with my BF of five years (still have my own house, etc. etc.) but I'm here a lot when I don't have my own Children, more than his Children are.

He has an in-person meeting tomorrow meaning he couldn't collect his Youngest from School. I offered to. He accepted, and even, on the way back from somewhere, took me to show me the car park where he waits for her (late Primary).

I got back this pm from a w/e with my own Children to find that, discussing his week over Sunday Lunch, his Parents, who lives locally, his Mother offered to collect the Child and give her Tea (tbh, I dont know why they were discussing it if it was no longer a problem as I had offered). This was discussed in front of the Children. He accepted, apparently not even saying "Shadow has already offered".

He doesn't understand why I am hurt: I think he was discourteous in how he handled it and how he told me, given I had offered and he had accepted, yet another fait accompli; he told me in a very off-hand way, like it wasn't a big deal, a few minutes after I had arrived back from a long and hot and emotional drive, dropping-off my Children; I feel dropped, again, in favour of his Mother; he didn't give me credit in front of his Family for the offer I made, even if he had changed his mind about using it; he was still assuming I would be around later when he had to take the Elder Girl somewhere, yet I was, apparently, at fault assuming arrangements made stood, and, finally, he goes on about wanting me to work on my relationship with his Girls, even citing this as some natural 1-2-1 time, only to change his mind. He thinks I was challenging his authority to make decisions for his Children and had a go at how it was actually saving me effort and that my last minute changes usually mean he has more to do ...

Who is BU?

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 15:04

@QueenBee52 it is rather more complex than that, obviously, and if he was wholly unkind and thoughtless I wouldn't be here. Sometimes, he really hurts me with his insensitivity and, tbh, he is a different, much less thoughtful person when something involves his Children or Parents. Other times, he has been very generous with both his time and expertise and, on occasion, money. My personal circumstances have changed recently, which have had a big impact on us and are why I am here more.

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 19/07/2021 15:07

and if he was wholly unkind and thoughtless I wouldn't be here.

No-one would be in a relationship with such a specimen - clearly he keeps you dangling with just enough decent behaviour to stop you from walking.

Is this what you want long term?

IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 15:14

Several posters have it, I think. I probably did over-react to this because I feel under-valued. I have appalling self-esteem and have recently been on the losing aide of a big legal case with my ExH, who continues to be horrible and belittles and denigrates me.

Both my BF and I are damaged from how our marriages ended (both of us were cheated on). Even trying to recognise what we contributed to our failed marriages which was unhelpful, we bring with us all the hang-ups such an experience entails. In his case, am over-reliance on Family; in mine, a feeling of worthlessness.

At its best, the sexual and intellectual chemistry between us is amazing; he gives freely of his useful advice in a specific area and he is often financially generous. At its worst, he makes me feel second-rate to his Family (his Parents and Sister as well as his Daughters), is thoughtless, hypocritical, disloyal (discussing my business or our relationship with his Daughters/Mother) and unable to articulate the words of love I need in speech form or the reassurance I need.

OP posts:
IridescentShadow · 19/07/2021 15:16

@LimeRedBanana ouch. I don't feel I have many other options or much to offer. He has stuck with me through a very difficult personal time I have been in for eighteen months.

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 19/07/2021 15:22

Surely being single is so much more preferable to your ‘at worst’ scenario.

You deserve so much better than this man. Flowers

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