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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being pathetic?

85 replies

FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 12:39

Earlier today, DH was rummaging in a cupboard and found and old plaster casting kit he bought about four years ago with the idea of casting my and youngest DC's hands. Today we have so much to do and it's absolutely boiling here. The kids have piled into the pool (not fancy enough for a proper swimming pool so it's one of those 10ft framed arrangements), DH is meant to be installing a bathroom sink but instead he's decided to turn the water off, drain the system and then watch videos of people making plaster casts of their hands for "tips." So I don't get accused of drip feeding, DH has ADHD and does require reminders not to skip merrily off the tracks and into the bounds of Waste Of Time.

I said, very gently, that youngest DC wouldn't be happy getting out of the pool to sit with his hand in silicone paste for twenty minutes when it's 30 degrees and that I really needed to be able to use water dependent appliances so instead of watching videos about something he only just remembered we had, could he please finish what he had started and install the sink. Our big fan was also cooling the bathroom that nobody was working in while the living room was becoming uncomfortably sticky.

You'd think I'd screamed in his face the way he reacted. Slammed his phone down, loudly went, "Oh my GOD. FINE!!!" And stomped up every single step to the bathroom and slammed the door. I don't enjoy displays like that, especially not from grown men, so I went outside and played with the DC for a bit and then came back in, poured myself some juice and took some to DH, because it's hot. The bathroom is lovely and cool though. I said "here, where would you like me to put this?" He wordlessly pointed at a bottle of water and then stared at me. I went to put it down next to the water and he said "uh- no? I've already got water? So..... (massive sigh) I don't need your juice." Then he very deliberately put a pair of earplugs in and said "it's too hot to have to answer questions."

I could have tipped the juice over him. I didn't though.

Is he being pathetic? Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Cloudninenine · 18/07/2021 14:01

I absolutely couldn’t cope with someone being that pathetic and moody. Yadnbu, what a twat.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 14:01

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Oh Lord! Laptop with assignment on it somehow ended up in a box of odd crap in the loft!

I remember feeling so impressed that you just rolled with that one. Add this in and I get the feeling that when you say he is mostly lovely you mean it and just come here to vent when you run out of smiles.

I think I posted on your last thread, I used to work with someone like your DH. From the outside his wife micromanaged him, but if you knew them better you saw all the amazing stuff he did (setting up a dad's and kids group and organising trips out, for example). He was just a bit of a challenge when he was 'on one'.

Deep breath, this too shall pass 😀

Yes, exactly this. He really is amazing most of the time and some of the stuff he does with the kids is fantastic. But on days where his thought pattern absolutely frustrates the fuck out of me or like today, where I'm up to my eyeballs in crap and feeling rough, he chooses to act like a teenager who has been reminded to clean their room.
OP posts:
BoredZelda · 18/07/2021 14:01

Sounds to me like he wanted to have a bit of fun. Why arent you in there helping?

Helping install a sink? It is pretty much a one person job.

pilates · 18/07/2021 14:04

He sounds like a stroppy teenager, how unattractive

toocold54 · 18/07/2021 14:07

Oh Lord! Laptop with assignment on it somehow ended up in a box of odd crap in the loft!

Today’s incident i would let slide as a one off. I didn’t read the laptop incident so I can’t judge but I fail to see how someone’s laptop which important work ends up in the loft hidden in a box of crap Confused
I’ve never met someone with ADHD who that has done anything like that before. He actually just sounds selfish.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 14:08

@DishingOutDone

See now I dont understand how any of this is ok or funny. Its not as if its just one incident. How do you say ok this marriage is worth continuing, when your partner behaves like this? Genuine question OP Sad
If he was like this all day every day, it would be incredibly hard and I'd be wondering if it was worth it. Of course I would. But he isn't. Every once in a while, he finds something too overwhelming and doesn't deal with it well, or I find his ADHD and his bizarre ways of doing things/forgetting things to be overwhelming, and I come on here for a little rant rather than make him feel bad about something he can't help. He could be one of these bastards who disappears to the pub all weekend and leaves his wife to do everything. He could be the type to throw his weight around. He could be a cheater and a gaslighter. But he isn't. He's just a pretty lovely bloke that's devoted to his family, but with a condition that can sometimes make life challenging for him, and (less often) for me.
OP posts:
TheGumption · 18/07/2021 14:10

Omg laptop husband returns. I don't know how you tolerate this OP!

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 14:10

@toocold54

Oh Lord! Laptop with assignment on it somehow ended up in a box of odd crap in the loft!

Today’s incident i would let slide as a one off. I didn’t read the laptop incident so I can’t judge but I fail to see how someone’s laptop which important work ends up in the loft hidden in a box of crap Confused
I’ve never met someone with ADHD who that has done anything like that before. He actually just sounds selfish.

Then you've not met my DH or my DS!

If you'd read the thread, you'd see how it ended up in the box. There were a few folk with ADHD who could understand how as well. I could understand better once I'd got all my work done and in and it wasn't a massive disaster that I was panicking over!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 18/07/2021 14:10

@WheresTheLambSauce thanks for explaining- I didn't really realise that, though with hindsight I should have.

1forAll74 · 18/07/2021 14:18

He is just hot and bothered, and slightly disorganised. so best left alone for now.

WheresTheLambSauce · 18/07/2021 14:18

@picklemewalnuts No bother, thank you for letting me ramble about it - I could easily talk about the lesser-known symptoms until the cows come home Grin

And it's alright - Many people are still learning about all the weird and wonderful ways an ADHD brain works! It can be so much more than inattention or excitability Smile

ZooKeeper19 · 18/07/2021 14:20

@FuckingFabulous my DH is also not NT. I would not think of this at the time, but looking back (IKR?!) I'd have said "well ok then, let's ask the kids to sit with the hand in the paste and see if it will work. But let's agree not to make a fuss if they don't like it and want to leave, ok?"

Then I'd have said "I know you wanted to install the sink today, shall we change plans and leave it for another time and use the fan in the main room perhaps, and if you change your mind we can always move the fan".

I know it's hard work to stay calm, composed and above all organised and on the ball all the time. Been there. As I say, benefit of hindsight.

But yes, he was being pathetic and I hope he realises, and apologises too.

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2021 14:23

You're annoyed with him. He's putting a sink in.
He's annoyed with you. You're not putting a sink in.
Just leave him one and them enjoy your new sink.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 14:27

[quote WheresTheLambSauce]@picklemewalnuts No bother, thank you for letting me ramble about it - I could easily talk about the lesser-known symptoms until the cows come home Grin

And it's alright - Many people are still learning about all the weird and wonderful ways an ADHD brain works! It can be so much more than inattention or excitability Smile[/quote]
I tell people this! DH can do some things And understand some things that are so complex they are beyond me, and it's because he thinks in a completely different way

OP posts:
Deux · 18/07/2021 14:27

Jeez OP, you’ve got shingles?! Shouldn’t you be resting a bit or something?

NewlyGranny · 18/07/2021 14:29

Now we need the story of how he managed to drop a spanner and break the bathroom sink. Was it just straightforward plumbing/dripping tap related, or something more recherché?

picklemewalnuts · 18/07/2021 14:33

I cracked our bathroom sink dropping a glass cosmetic bottle out of the over sink cupboard. Frustrating.

WorraLiberty · 18/07/2021 14:34

I can't stop laughing at Why is he installing the sink?

WTF?? 😂😂

ShinglesOuch · 18/07/2021 14:45

Shingles solidarity here OP.

5 weeks post rash, all healed, but jesus christ the pain. I've just got some gabapentin off the GP which is taking the edge off a bit, but not enough. If you aren't taking anything and are going to the GP, don't let them fob you off with 100mg 3 x per day, you need more!!

loopylindi · 18/07/2021 14:47

People with behavioural disfunction (ADHD, Aspergers etc) are often single minded when it comes to doing anything - to the point of excluding anything else even if it's more logical

Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 14:48

LOL! Loved the laptop story. You're husband sounds like he belongs in our household as we are massively dysfunctional and far too self indulgent. We always end up laughing over the things that don't get done.

Why on earth did you expect him to install a sink know what he is like? A tradesman would have had it sorted in half the time.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 15:06

@WorraLiberty

I can't stop laughing at Why is he installing the sink?

WTF?? 😂😂

It made me laugh as well!

But, if that poster is still confused, it's because he's the only one of the two of us qualified to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 15:08

@NewlyGranny

Now we need the story of how he managed to drop a spanner and break the bathroom sink. Was it just straightforward plumbing/dripping tap related, or something more recherché?
Nothing baffling or bewildering this time. He was doing some other work in there, put a few tools on top of the cabinet next to the sink and then knocked the spanner off when he reached for the drill.
OP posts:
Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 15:09

@ShinglesOuch

Shingles solidarity here OP.

5 weeks post rash, all healed, but jesus christ the pain. I've just got some gabapentin off the GP which is taking the edge off a bit, but not enough. If you aren't taking anything and are going to the GP, don't let them fob you off with 100mg 3 x per day, you need more!!

I'm on amitriptyline, the pain is out of this world at times! The rash came out 9 days ago but I've got new blisters today?? I wasn't expecting that.
OP posts:
ShinglesOuch · 18/07/2021 15:48

Did they give you antivirals? They seemed to stop new blisters for me after 3 days or so.

I can't bear anything touching me, but the placement means I'm having to wonder around topless. Not ideal. Even my own boob touching me is agony - and I can't wear anything to stop it touching me!