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Original poster

Husband being pathetic?

85 replies

FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 12:39

Earlier today, DH was rummaging in a cupboard and found and old plaster casting kit he bought about four years ago with the idea of casting my and youngest DC's hands. Today we have so much to do and it's absolutely boiling here. The kids have piled into the pool (not fancy enough for a proper swimming pool so it's one of those 10ft framed arrangements), DH is meant to be installing a bathroom sink but instead he's decided to turn the water off, drain the system and then watch videos of people making plaster casts of their hands for "tips." So I don't get accused of drip feeding, DH has ADHD and does require reminders not to skip merrily off the tracks and into the bounds of Waste Of Time.

I said, very gently, that youngest DC wouldn't be happy getting out of the pool to sit with his hand in silicone paste for twenty minutes when it's 30 degrees and that I really needed to be able to use water dependent appliances so instead of watching videos about something he only just remembered we had, could he please finish what he had started and install the sink. Our big fan was also cooling the bathroom that nobody was working in while the living room was becoming uncomfortably sticky.

You'd think I'd screamed in his face the way he reacted. Slammed his phone down, loudly went, "Oh my GOD. FINE!!!" And stomped up every single step to the bathroom and slammed the door. I don't enjoy displays like that, especially not from grown men, so I went outside and played with the DC for a bit and then came back in, poured myself some juice and took some to DH, because it's hot. The bathroom is lovely and cool though. I said "here, where would you like me to put this?" He wordlessly pointed at a bottle of water and then stared at me. I went to put it down next to the water and he said "uh- no? I've already got water? So..... (massive sigh) I don't need your juice." Then he very deliberately put a pair of earplugs in and said "it's too hot to have to answer questions."

I could have tipped the juice over him. I didn't though.

Is he being pathetic? Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 13:16

@NotAnotherPushyMum

I’d have walked out but I’m aware that’s because our marriage is close to tipping point and it wouldn’t take much to push it over that edge.

If you’re feeling more generous than me I’d leave him alone for the rest of the day to get over it. He’s being ridiculous.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.Thanks
OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 18/07/2021 13:18

Mine is being a complete arse today too op. Huffing and puffing at having to seal the driveway (been asking for months) I do EVERYTHING else in the house, so not like I’m demanding. I feel your pain.

LizardCreature · 18/07/2021 13:19

What's "laptop" husband?

Sounds to me like he wanted to have a bit of fun. Why arent you in there helping? What are you doing today?

Howcanthisbe123 · 18/07/2021 13:23

He didn’t like being called out on how easily his distracted.

WhatMattersMost · 18/07/2021 13:24

Seeing an adult behave like a 6-year-old has the ability to kill a relationship dead in its tracks for me.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 18/07/2021 13:26

@LizardCreature

What's "laptop" husband?

Sounds to me like he wanted to have a bit of fun. Why arent you in there helping? What are you doing today?

Standard Sunday for me, really, aside from being unwell. I'm a carer for our oldest child, so apart from stripping and washing bedding, washing and ironing school and work uniforms, making meals, tidying up, helping with homework, applying endless suncream and supervising kids in pool, meal and lunchbox prepping and trying not to cry in pain with the shingles I was recently struck down with, I'm helping her manage her symptoms. I've also taken DS1 to volleyball and done a little bit of food shopping.

He's "laptop husband" because I posted about him losing my laptop when I had an assignment due and it turned up in the most ridiculous place.

OP posts:
LizardCreature · 18/07/2021 13:28

@FuckingFabulous

In that case sounds like your day has been just as duty laden as his and he needs to grow up. YANBU.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 18/07/2021 13:29

@LizardCreature

What's "laptop" husband?

Sounds to me like he wanted to have a bit of fun. Why arent you in there helping? What are you doing today?

Hahahahaha! Ridiculous comment. Biscuit
burritofan · 18/07/2021 13:35

Oh, I remember the laptop thread! A ballache for you but it was good entertainment (soz).

He’s being an arse, but aren’t we all in this heat? ADHD DP is huffing and puffing today too, muttering furiously to himself because the stepladder and screws are in the shed (!) at the other end of the garden (!!) and he’ll have to go outside to get them (!!!). (His task is putting up a blind that really doesn’t need to be done today.) Meanwhile furious toddler won’t or can’t nap. At least no one here is plaster casting things!

I would freeze his juice and drop the ice block down his trousers for japes. Sounds like he needs to turn the water back on, forget about the sink til a cooler day (wash hands/brush teeth in the kitchen and call it “camping”), and come out to the pool and everyone has an ice lolly until this fucking weather fucks off.

Kanaloa · 18/07/2021 13:38

Yeah he sounds pretty pathetic. I hate sulky behaviour, don’t accept it from my kids let alone grown adults. If you have a problem, you either bring it up like an adult or suck it up like a weenie. Either way suits me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/07/2021 13:39

Oh Lord! Laptop with assignment on it somehow ended up in a box of odd crap in the loft!

I remember feeling so impressed that you just rolled with that one. Add this in and I get the feeling that when you say he is mostly lovely you mean it and just come here to vent when you run out of smiles.

I think I posted on your last thread, I used to work with someone like your DH. From the outside his wife micromanaged him, but if you knew them better you saw all the amazing stuff he did (setting up a dad's and kids group and organising trips out, for example). He was just a bit of a challenge when he was 'on one'.

Deep breath, this too shall pass 😀

Drivingmeupthewall · 18/07/2021 13:40

I remember your laptop thread @FuckingFabulous. Where did it turn up in the end?!

Manista · 18/07/2021 13:40

@3scape

Why is he installing the sink?
Typical redirection Grin
Naunet · 18/07/2021 13:41

How did he expect the DC to wash their hands after using the plaster if he’d turned the water off?!

Whaddayahear · 18/07/2021 13:43

Oh god it's laptop husband?

Is he medicated op? My DH is also diagnosed and we've finally found the sweet spot with his medication. It's made a huge difference.

Drivingmeupthewall · 18/07/2021 13:45

Oh my god he’s also shed husband!

OP, you have the patience of a saint. Especially as he’s not working at the moment and won’t try medication.

Titch1993 · 18/07/2021 13:45

Sounds just like my DH! (He has ADHD too). Huffing and puffing because I'm nagging him (kindly reminded him to finish cutting grass so we can put paddling pool out for DS1). Found him sat flicking through videos about growing veg. (We've done a veg patch this year). 2hrs later the grass is cut and I've taken to blowing up the pool with a hand pump to let put frustration Grin
I'd have drunk the juice to make a point... Wink
Hope you get the sink done!

PurpleWaterBlue · 18/07/2021 13:46

@LizardCreature

What's "laptop" husband?

Sounds to me like he wanted to have a bit of fun. Why arent you in there helping? What are you doing today?

He borrowed her laptop.

Forgot what he'd done with it.

Had moved on to "tidying" the house, a la big clear out. He decimated every room, piled it all up randomly all over the place and lost interest.

She had a deadline to meet, I think involving her education which required submitting online work which she needed her laptop desperately to accomplish, IIRC. I think she also had a child in hospital at the same time too.

The laptop was somewhere in all that crap he had piled up and he sent her a bit nuts looking for it but turning everything upside down even more.

The incident was not a one off and very much in her DHs pattern of behaviour.

Let's put it this way, she was a saint in my book for tolerating his annoying ways.

I got the sense she loves him very much indeed or he would already be under the patio.

Hope I am remembering this properly.

Birkie248 · 18/07/2021 13:46

@Howcanthisbe123

He didn’t like being called out on how easily his distracted.
This. Plus I would be infuriated if he inconveniences the household but turning off the water.... then leaves the task in hand to do a ‘better one’. He needed telling OP.
WheresTheLambSauce · 18/07/2021 13:47

Bit of a tricky one, really. As someone with ADHD I definitely empathise with your husband and can see where & why his attention veered off into a much more pleasant distraction, but losing the rag with you and storming off was definitely not acceptable behaviour. Nor was being arsey when you were kind enough to bring him some juice.

Hopefully it's the weather getting to him and he really is perfectly pleasant most of the time, just like you said.

Do you think it will take him long to fix the sink, now that he's (relatively) focused on it? Here's hoping you're not wallowing in the heat for too long!

picklemewalnuts · 18/07/2021 13:47

OMG, laptop husband strikes again! Difference being this time- and I'd sit him down and point this out- he was a rude bad mannered twat and he needs to stop it!

Losing stuff and getting distracted mid task is frustrating but inevitable with his condition. Being a bad tempered arse isn't part of his condition.
He doesn't get to inflict that on his family.

DishingOutDone · 18/07/2021 13:49

See now I dont understand how any of this is ok or funny. Its not as if its just one incident. How do you say ok this marriage is worth continuing, when your partner behaves like this? Genuine question OP Sad

WheresTheLambSauce · 18/07/2021 13:51

@picklemewalnuts

OMG, laptop husband strikes again! Difference being this time- and I'd sit him down and point this out- he was a rude bad mannered twat and he needs to stop it!

Losing stuff and getting distracted mid task is frustrating but inevitable with his condition. Being a bad tempered arse isn't part of his condition.
He doesn't get to inflict that on his family.

To be fair, poor emotional regulation is often an issue with ADHD and can lead to 'oversensitivity', whether that's through lashing out or bursting into tears. But it's something you can (and should) learn to structure yourself around, and taking it out on the people around you should never be acceptable :(

And it doesn't excuse being an arse, as you said.

Inertia · 18/07/2021 13:52

He’s being an arse.

I’d hide the plaster cast kit back in the cupboard and save it for a rainy day. Or maybe hide it in a box of random crap in the loft ...

LargeInCharge · 18/07/2021 14:00

It’s a shame that after you “gently” had to remind him, ie you know there’s a chance he’s going to kick off. Then after he did kick off you took him juice as a reward…..which he then very rudely refused.

There’s zero chance I’d be putting up with this. I imagine your children will soon be walking around on eggshells soon too, if they aren’t already.

You deserve better.

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