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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no and how to say it?

77 replies

ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:10

Sometimes at weekend (not every weekend but couple of times a month I'd say) and my mum like to take my DC out places. Never anywhere super fancy but maybe lunch or to the park, for a walk, a local farm or whatever.

We tend to have my DSC here every weekend which is absolutely fine but my husband has taken to hinting at (more like guilting) me into taking them with me every time I go out with my Mum.

I just want to spend some time with my DM and DC sometimes.

My Mum gets on with DSC well but they have never seen her as granny or had that sort of relationship with her whereas my DC obviously do and I know she's too polite to say it but I suspect she also would like to just spend some time with her GC too.

There is also a big age gap too so it changes the dynamic of out day.

Sometimes I want to say no but don't know how to say it without sounding mean.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:11

Me and my Mum*

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/07/2021 10:13

So his child comes for the weekend to spend time with HIM, and he shoves them on you? He needs to step the hell up and parent/spend time with his own kid!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 10:14

It sounds like he just wants a bit of free babysitting. His kids come to spend time with him, not you and your mum. I would be inclined to put it as bluntly as that to him.

FuckUcuntychops · 18/07/2021 10:14

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.

NailsNeedDoing · 18/07/2021 10:14

Guilt him back by saying that you thought you were being helpful by giving him some time without you around so that he could spend some quality time with just his own children. Seeing as you’re sure his dc would often prefer to just have their dad to themselves rather than have to fit in with their younger sibling.

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:15

@AlmostAJillSandwich

So his child comes for the weekend to spend time with HIM, and he shoves them on you? He needs to step the hell up and parent/spend time with his own kid!
They do stay a lot so through the week as well so it's not that they are only ever here at the weekend and that's his only time with them but yes I wish he would do more himself with them. But they are older now and unless asked/pushed would happily spend their day online talking to friends!
OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 10:15

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.
This is a ridiculous reply. Do the OP's kids go out with the stepkids mum and family? I suspect not.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 18/07/2021 10:16

Occasionally invite them. As occasionally as he gets to have all dc and you and dm do something adults only..

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2021 10:16

Why aren't his children spending time with him?

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:16

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Occasionally invite them. As occasionally as he gets to have all dc and you and dm do something adults only..
That would be never 🤣 but that's equally my fault tbh as I am quite clingy with my DC and don't like to be away from them. I'm working on it... Slowly!
OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:17

I think it is unkind to be doing an exciting activity with one dc and excluding another.

Either do the days out when they aren't there or your dh needs to do something with the elder dc at the same time.

RJnomore1 · 18/07/2021 10:17

Step kids come he comes too would be my assumption here as they’ve come to see him. See how that goes down.

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 10:18

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.
Dad can take them somewhere at the same time. Give them bonding time and memories with their actual parent.
FuckUcuntychops · 18/07/2021 10:18

chocolatesaltyballs22
Is it though? Imagine going to your dads and being told your step siblings are going somewhere lovely but you can’t go because you’re not related. Imagine how that would feel.

FuckUcuntychops · 18/07/2021 10:19

If it’s that you feel your DH is pushing childcare on you then insist he comes too.

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 10:19

@Stompythedinosaur

I think it is unkind to be doing an exciting activity with one dc and excluding another.

Either do the days out when they aren't there or your dh needs to do something with the elder dc at the same time.

It's only a couple of times a month. Why should DC miss out??
NoSquirrels · 18/07/2021 10:20

I think it would be nice if sometimes your DH and the DSC joined you and your mum in the outings.

I don’t think you should take them and he gets to sit at home.

As a PP says, tell him you’re giving him time alone with his kids - but he’s welcome to come too if he think they’ll all enjoy it.

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:20

@Stompythedinosaur

I think it is unkind to be doing an exciting activity with one dc and excluding another.

Either do the days out when they aren't there or your dh needs to do something with the elder dc at the same time.

I guess it depends what you class as exciting. We wouldn't go anywhere huge like a theme park or something (DC far too young for that anyway) but a petting farm or a picnic/lunch sometimes.

They are basically always with us on the weekend, they've been given a lot more freedom to be where they want to be recently and they often choose here so if I could only ever go places when they weren't here at weekend it would be once in a blue moon. I'm very close with my Mum and like doing things with her.

OP posts:
Uramaki · 18/07/2021 10:21

But they are older now and unless asked/pushed would happily spend their day online talking to friends! they seem happy enough without spending the day with their stepmum and stepgran while presumably dad stays at home and does what exactly?

DancesWithTortoises · 18/07/2021 10:21

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.
Very silly response. Maybe the DF should do something with his children and not palm them off on his DW because he can't be bothered.

I've seen some daft responses on here but this is worthy of several biscuits.

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:22

@NoSquirrels

I think it would be nice if sometimes your DH and the DSC joined you and your mum in the outings.

I don’t think you should take them and he gets to sit at home.

As a PP says, tell him you’re giving him time alone with his kids - but he’s welcome to come too if he think they’ll all enjoy it.

I actually wouldn't mind this occasionally but he very, very rarely does come and it's definitely a hint that I just take them along on my own with my DM whilst he stays home.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/07/2021 10:23

I think it’s fine you go with your mum, btw. I just think the way to handle this is to have some times when you offer the option to DH and DSC to come. They likely won’t want to! In which case it’s all fine.

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2021 10:25

Feel free to ignore hints. Or have a very direct conversation about it. You don’t need to feel guilty! Different kids, different grandparent relationship, different ages and stages.

Notaroadrunner · 18/07/2021 10:26

@Stompythedinosaur

I think it is unkind to be doing an exciting activity with one dc and excluding another.

Either do the days out when they aren't there or your dh needs to do something with the elder dc at the same time.

This should simply read "your Dh needs to do something with the elder dc at the same time". Op does not need to change her days out with her own mother. She's perfectly entitled to take her child out with her mother while her husband looks after his older kids.

@ThatzMaChocolate while it's obvious your lazy assed Dh wants you to take his kids out and give him time to himself, turn it around and tell him he and the dsc are welcome to join you and your mother - bet he won't be bothered asking again!

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:27

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while' ect ect. I'm too soft and just end up feeling bad.

OP posts: