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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no and how to say it?

77 replies

ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:10

Sometimes at weekend (not every weekend but couple of times a month I'd say) and my mum like to take my DC out places. Never anywhere super fancy but maybe lunch or to the park, for a walk, a local farm or whatever.

We tend to have my DSC here every weekend which is absolutely fine but my husband has taken to hinting at (more like guilting) me into taking them with me every time I go out with my Mum.

I just want to spend some time with my DM and DC sometimes.

My Mum gets on with DSC well but they have never seen her as granny or had that sort of relationship with her whereas my DC obviously do and I know she's too polite to say it but I suspect she also would like to just spend some time with her GC too.

There is also a big age gap too so it changes the dynamic of out day.

Sometimes I want to say no but don't know how to say it without sounding mean.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Uramaki · 18/07/2021 10:27

Has he ever taken them to a petting farm? Or is he just trying to get you to raise his kids?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 18/07/2021 10:27

"Sweetheart, I wanted to give you some precious time to spend solely with your DC. They're getting so old, so quickly now and I know how much you love them.

I'll take the young DC out with my mum, whilst you go and make memories with your DC that they'll treasure forever, you're SUCH a great Dad and I know how much they LOVE spending one-on-one time with you.

It won't be long until they've flown the nest completely and you are going to miss them so much. You need to grab these chances for special times with them."

That should do it.

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 10:30

@NoSquirrels

Feel free to ignore hints. Or have a very direct conversation about it. You don’t need to feel guilty! Different kids, different grandparent relationship, different ages and stages.
This with spades. Have a direct conversation. The hints need to stop. It might be nice if your mum popped round for tea or something while everyone's there if he feels he hasn't seen her for a while. But that's entirely up to you.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/07/2021 10:33

Tell him what your plans are and ask him what him and DSC are doing. I don't think it's outrageous that you, your DM and DC occasionally spend time without DSC. You're allowing him to guilt you into constantly including them, you have to stop that.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 18/07/2021 10:35

If you go out with your dc it gives him a chance for some 1 2 1 time with his child.

On the morning of said day, in front of his child - "Darling I'm going out & taking Bertie (my dc). This will give you some time with Tommy (his dc). It'll be nice for you 2 to spend the day together. Bye".

If he starts going on about you taking his child the coming weekend because he wants to do xyz.
"Mum wants to spend time with me & Bertie. This gives you the chance to spend time with Tommy without us. Tommy is here to see you. Make the most of it."

But ultimately - "No. He is here to see you. I'm going out with mum & Bertie. Why don't you see what he wants to do next weekend & we will all go then."

This is his child, who I am sure you are fond of, and this is their contact time. BUT you are not his unpaid nanny. You have a perfect right to spend time with your own dm & child.

3Britnee · 18/07/2021 10:35

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.
It's not a family day out because the sc's actual family doesn't even go.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 18/07/2021 10:36

Please consider as much as they are his dc they are your dc's siblings. My dc have different df's so a bit different but never any reference made to not being just 'siblings'. Risking a divide is a bit iffy imo.

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2021 10:37

@ThatzMaChocolate

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while' ect ect. I'm too soft and just end up feeling bad.
And then you say”Oh, great - I’ll tell Mum you want to come too with DSC”

And when he says “Oh, we’ll I thought I’d do X and you could take them” then you can have the direct conversation.

Don’t let him be a lazy arse.

FuckUcuntychops · 18/07/2021 10:44

DancesWithTortoises
Yes how terribly ridiculous of me to consider the feelings of the step child who this directly affects. How silly and stupid of me. Here I’ll share some of those biscuits you’re dishing out. BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

thisplaceisweird · 18/07/2021 10:45

For the child's sake and not being left out I would say yes, but only as long as he comes along to share the parenting too!

O

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 10:48

@FuckUcuntychops me and my daughter go out for lunch with my mum all the time without dragging my SS along. I can guarantee you he gives no fucks whatsoever and wouldn't thank me for dragging him out of his room. OP has said there's a big age difference too so I doubt the OP's stepkids care either. It's just the dad who wants some peace. This 'everything must be equal ALL of the time attitude is fucking insane.

rainbowstardrops · 18/07/2021 10:55

@ThatzMaChocolate

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while' ect ect. I'm too soft and just end up feeling bad.

You need to start being assertive! His children have come to spend time predominantly with their dad!!!! If he suggests his children go out with you then insist that he comes too. Every time.

Valhalla17 · 18/07/2021 10:56

Agree with you @FuckUcuntychops it's a bit mean to exclude the SC. OP Should ask the child if they would like to go and if the answer is yes, include them!

TooWicked · 18/07/2021 10:57

Another father trying to palm his kids off on their step mum.Hmm

I would go with - “you’re right, it would be nice for the step dc, tell you what, you can take them all to the petting zoo and I’ll take my mum somewhere nice for lunch this time, we’ll meet you back at home later”.

I would say this every single time he suggests it.

Which won’t be more than once when he realises he’s not able to foist his kids on to you for a child free afternoon for himself.

Benjispruce5 · 18/07/2021 11:00

I think you need to go out as a family with him. Your mum should invite her gc over or t aske them out when step kids aren’t with you. It’s not their fault and it could cause a rift Alternatively invite your mum on your days out. You partnered with a man with children, I don’t think it’s fair to exclude them. You’re a blended family.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 11:04

Do people really think that grandparents should take on the stepkids as if they were their own? They don't make the decision for their son/daughter to partner up with someone who already has kids. Seems unfair to me. Fair enough be kind to them and don't deliberately make them feel unwelcome, but I wouldn't expect my mum to treat my stepkids like they were her grandchildren.

Benjispruce5 · 18/07/2021 11:07

No I don’t either @chocolatesaltyballs22 but if the gp is doing this every weekend it’s a bit much. DH and OP need to plan whole family activities.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 11:08

The OP specifically said it's not every weekend though.

Benjispruce5 · 18/07/2021 11:09

Twice a month? Could she take them for a walk after school? Maybe the school holidays is a good time to get together in the week then everyone is happy. Definitely think their dad needs to step up.

Notaroadrunner · 18/07/2021 11:09

@Benjispruce5

No I don’t either *@chocolatesaltyballs22* but if the gp is doing this every weekend it’s a bit much. DH and OP need to plan whole family activities.
She already said it's a couple of times a month. I'm sure the rest of the time op spends plenty of time with her dsc. She is entitled to time away from them to spend with her own mother.
Benjispruce5 · 18/07/2021 11:10

She is indeed but a bit of tactful planning wouldn’t go amiss.

Notaroadrunner · 18/07/2021 11:11

@Benjispruce5

She is indeed but a bit of tactful planning wouldn’t go amiss.
So maybe her lazy Dh should step up and organise some family days out for them all.
Benjispruce5 · 18/07/2021 11:12

Exactly what I said upthread.

BillyRaywasapreachersson · 18/07/2021 11:18

I am really not trying to be rude op, but as a child, if I'd gone to see my dad and ended up with my stepmother, a baby and an old person, I'd rather not. I stopped seeing my dad for a similar reason - I didn't want to spend a weekend with someone else's family, the SM"s family were not mine and it made me feel sad and homesick.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/07/2021 11:21

Ask him directly next time he hints - do you think that I should take DSC. if he says yes, ask him what he plans to do during that time?

Then do not fill the space. Wait and see what he says.

Then ask him how that works in with the fact that his DC have come to see him.

Or suggest that he goes out with the DSC and his own parents if that is an option