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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no and how to say it?

77 replies

ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 10:10

Sometimes at weekend (not every weekend but couple of times a month I'd say) and my mum like to take my DC out places. Never anywhere super fancy but maybe lunch or to the park, for a walk, a local farm or whatever.

We tend to have my DSC here every weekend which is absolutely fine but my husband has taken to hinting at (more like guilting) me into taking them with me every time I go out with my Mum.

I just want to spend some time with my DM and DC sometimes.

My Mum gets on with DSC well but they have never seen her as granny or had that sort of relationship with her whereas my DC obviously do and I know she's too polite to say it but I suspect she also would like to just spend some time with her GC too.

There is also a big age gap too so it changes the dynamic of out day.

Sometimes I want to say no but don't know how to say it without sounding mean.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lastcall · 18/07/2021 11:24

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.
Then perhaps their father needs to take them on nice days out.
user1498572889 · 18/07/2021 11:26

One of my daughters has SC if we have a BBQ or a party the whole family comes. at birthdays and Christmas I buy them presents but every now and again my D likes to go out with me and her sister with my GC we do things that are age related and the SC would not enjoy them. On those days it’s up to their Dad to arrange something to do with them. They have grandparents that they can visit or he can take them out and do something that is age related for them. Most of the time they all go out together but every now and again my D likes it to be just us and the SC like it to just be them and their dad. Might be different if he was an every other weekend dad but they have a 50/50 Split.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 11:27

@BillyRaywasapreachersson

I am really not trying to be rude op, but as a child, if I'd gone to see my dad and ended up with my stepmother, a baby and an old person, I'd rather not. I stopped seeing my dad for a similar reason - I didn't want to spend a weekend with someone else's family, the SM"s family were not mine and it made me feel sad and homesick.
Exactly this.

I also question the need for family days out if the kids are at different ages and have very different interests? It's just forcing things.

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/07/2021 11:28

It's fascinating reading posts about people in blended/step relationships
It seems like men just float from one relationship to another with the sole purpose of obtaining childcare for their kids and a housekeeper for themselves
And that most women and quite happy (willing to be guilted) to comply.

Maybe you should go see your mum without any of the children and see how that goes down

Datsandcogs · 18/07/2021 11:33

@ThatzMaChocolate

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while' ect ect. I'm too soft and just end up feeling bad.
That gives you the perfect opportunity to respond with, “Great please bring them with you.”
Uramaki · 18/07/2021 11:38

BillyRaywasapreachersson exactly. It would be cruel for dad to palm his kids off.

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 11:41

Blended family doesn't mean treated all the same as one great big family. It means one family with lots of permutations of family.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 18/07/2021 11:45

You have to ignore the guilty feeling. It really is that simple.

He should feel guilty for ignoring his own kid.

godmum56 · 18/07/2021 11:51

I come from a multi child non blended family and yes this is years ago but we didn't always all go and do everything together. The age gap helped (12 years between youngest and oldest) but by me its a normal family thing. If the DSC are happy in their bedrooms on electronics then why is that not fine? Maybe make sure there are lovely snacks for them so that they feel treated too...all their Dad has to do is be in the house.

Fros · 18/07/2021 12:07

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'I bet DSC would like that
Turn it back on him, "That's a lovely idea, why don't you take them next weekend?"
Haven't seen your Mum in a while
"That's a thought, I'll invite her back for the evening: are you going to cook or are you treating us all to a meal out?"

While I can see how your DSC might feel excluded if you're taking the little one out for picnics/lunch/petting zoo (yes even older DSC) every other weekend, it's your DHs responsibility to deal with this - he can plan something at the weekend for everyone to enjoy, he can take the DSC out somewhere else while you see your mum, or he can make all the arrangements/sort transport/costs for the DSC to do something on their own (this will depend on their ages) like a sports club, cinema trip, visiting friends.

Farwest · 18/07/2021 12:16

Why are you having passive-aggressive 'discussions' with your life partner?

Tell him straight up that no, you will not be entertaining his children, who are there to see him. And if he'd like to be a decent parent, he should absolutely be taking ALL of his dc out together, even if just to the park or for a picnic.

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RuthW · 18/07/2021 13:30

If the step children were my children and the dad had sent them out with step mum for the day and it wasn't an emergency they wouldn't be seeing him every weekend. They are there to spend time with their dad. Quality over quantity everytime.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 18/07/2021 13:37

Say "they're not here to see my mum, they're here to see you. It'll be nice to have some time without our DC taking your attention from them. Bye!"

pinkyredrose · 18/07/2021 13:42

Twice a month? Could she take them for a walk after school?

Hmm Confused exactly why would she do this?

updownroundandround · 18/07/2021 13:45

@ThatzMaChocolate

Seriously OP, grow a pair ! Sad

I totally agree that your H is being a lazy, selfish ass, who just wants some 'alone time' !

Tough shit ! Being a parent is tough. But being the kind of parent who makes their partner 'feel guilty' so that they can be selfish isn't on !
It's also so unfair for his poor child ! They do know when their 'parent' just wants rid of them, poor soul. Sad.

You need to speak to your H when DSC isn't there and say ''I'm happy to take DSC along on days out with my Mum, but only if YOU COME TOO ! The poor kid is here to spend time with you too ! We also need to do regular 'days out' with just us and both kids ! So there will be no more staying home alone.''

For the PP's who say ''you needn't feel guilty for leaving DSC behind'' are also mistaken imo.
The whole point of 'family' is that you do things together (not all, but most of the time). And when the OP took on this man, she already knew she was also taking on a DSC.

WildfirePonie · 18/07/2021 14:01

'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while'

Why yes Darling! They would all love a proper family day out! My Mother hasn't seen you for ages! Come along children, how about it? A nice day out with your Dad included! Simply wonderful, what an amazing suggestion!

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 14:05

@FuckUcuntychops

I’m sorry but imagine how awful you would feel if you were excluded as a child from nice days out because you weren’t properly related to the family you live half your life with? YABU and a bit mean. Is it really such a hardship to include the DSC? They didn’t ask for the situation they’re in and to be excluded because of it is a bit shit.

Stop guilting OP just like her lazy arse Husband does

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 14:07

@ThatzMaChocolate

It's hard to ignore when it's things like 'i bet DSC would like that, haven't seen your Mum in a while' ect ect. I'm too soft and just end up feeling bad.

He banks on THIS... he is manipulating you.. guilting you..

Say No not this time.. you need to entertain them... bye 🌸

No explanation.. just No, not this time... and repeat.

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 14:09

@billy1966

Another waster of a dad avoiding his children and pawning them off on the sap he married as an au pair/skivvy.

OP, you sound like a very nice mug, who is used by the waster she married.

I can only imagine what your mother thinks of this prize her daughter married.

It wasn't by accident that he ended up with a pushover.🙄

Number one attribute required by waster fathers in a new recruit.

I bet you do nearly everything for all the children too.

You deserve better.Flowers

agreed 🌸

Cowbells · 18/07/2021 14:16

His child. He should be spending quality time with his child when it's his turn to care. YADNBU. He can come along too, and focus on his child while you and your mum catch up, all in one big group but he can't palm his child off on you like that.

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 14:23

@RuthW

If the step children were my children and the dad had sent them out with step mum for the day and it wasn't an emergency they wouldn't be seeing him every weekend. They are there to spend time with their dad. Quality over quantity everytime.
You would be right too!

What a waster.

Original poster
ThatzMaChocolate · 18/07/2021 17:48

Thank you!

I obviously don't want them to feel excluded and if they actually asked themselves I'd say yes, I couldn't not! But the problem with inviting every time is that they always say yes so I'd never get to go alone if I always asked!

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 18/07/2021 17:56

They're not your dc, they're his. All of them. If he's so keen for his other dc to spend time with your mum, then he can take all the kids to visit her, can't he?

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 18:00

@ThatzMaChocolate

Thank you!

I obviously don't want them to feel excluded and if they actually asked themselves I'd say yes, I couldn't not! But the problem with inviting every time is that they always say yes so I'd never get to go alone if I always asked!

you are being manipulated and he is using your kind gentle nature against you.

you are allowed to spend time just you .. your Child and your Mum..

just as the DSC are supposed to he spending time with their Dad...

Your DH is being unreasonable.. so change the narrative..

Don't ask.. TELL him you are going and your not taking them.. before they arrive...

IF he is a sneak, he may well be manipulative enough to try embarrassing you, by asking again in front of the DSC ... be prepared for this OP..

Tell him... we spoke about this... sorry guys not this time... enjoy your day with Dad... and all you say.. thats it..

you need to be a step ahead of Him 🌸