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AIBU?

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Original poster

We should have bought a smaller house

75 replies

ZoinksRun · 18/07/2021 09:42

We used to live in a two up two down house. There were two things wrong with it, it was in the suburbs where I didn't fit in and terrible for bus routes.
We decided to buy a three bed closer to town, with a big garden. It was at the top of what we could afford. Our mortgage payments are our biggest outgoing, whilst on the old place we didn't have a mortgage.
At the time I was so stressed from having two kids in a very small space and they had a lot of stuff! I also learnt to drive and so the whole world opened up to me.
What I didn't do was think about our lifestyle. I have gone full time, kids are at school (as opposed to in the old place where I was p/t and one was still at nursery.) I didn't acknowledge that I am not a homebody and our weekends are spent out the house, on day trips or with friends. I think on average we're at home between 7pm to 7am the next day and maybe Saturday mornings and evenings and a bit longer on Sunday. In the holidays we go away usually.
The house feels like a massive waste. It's a beautiful family home that I don't have time to clean or organise. I don't enjoy gardening so that feels like a chore. We should have just bought another small house closer to town.
In the last year I think everyone's priorities have changed and I don't want to miss out on anything. I think it's made me appreciate our adventures more.
If I sell up I'll feel a strange feeling of failure. Why isn't the house enough for me? Why can't I stay home more? Everyone else seems to keep time aside to stay in and do this stuff but I just don't enjoy it.

OP posts:
ZaraW · 18/07/2021 09:46

I've always lived in small spaces I prefer them. Less cleaning, less maintenance and in preferred location for my budget. Even when my son lived at home I never felt the urge to move. When I retire I'm downsizing to a one bed flat by the sea.

SuckItUpDave · 18/07/2021 09:53

I don't see selling up as being a failure. Do what suits you

Original poster
ZoinksRun · 18/07/2021 09:59

@ZaraW so do you think this is a personality thing? Being more central means so much to me.

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 18/07/2021 10:01

How old are your DC?

Once they are teens you will appreciate the space!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/07/2021 10:01

Small kids grow. Small kids grow into big teens who need space. Want their own rooms and have size 10 feet and huge coats.
When they are older you will appreciate the garden more as somewhere to escape them..

SorryPardonWhat · 18/07/2021 10:03

I wouldn't see selling up as a failure in the slightest! You've tried the bigger house, you now know it's not your preferred option. You have the luxury of making the change. Location is more important than size anyway.

We are actually thinking of banning use of part of our house unless guests are over as I haven't got time to clean it. So I totally understand your decision?

megletthesecond · 18/07/2021 10:03

But if you have two kids you do kind of need a three bed, especially when they are teens. And being near a town is so useful as they get older.

Monkeyrock · 18/07/2021 10:04

Of course do what suits you, but as they get older and bigger you might really appreciate having the space. Both because they and their stuff takes up more room, but also as they decide what they like doing independently, it could suit your family to have more room for individual activities or interests.

It might also be that the lack of current organisation is key. It took us a whole summer to sort our stuff out when we moved into our house three years ago, but that involved proper Kondo sorting and clearing, and it now means we live in a space we really enjoy, rather than wanting to escape. If you can carve out time to do this over weekends and evenings, you might like your home more (and if you don’t, at least everything is sorted should you wish to move again).

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2021 10:12

I agree with PPs that if you’ve git 2 children then you need a 3-bed when they’re older. Teenagers don’t want to share.

But you could have a 3-bed that’s smaller a d doesn’t have a massive garden, if that’s what you prefer.

There’s no shame in it! No one says you have to have a huge mortgage and a massive garden and all the trimmings of ‘family life’. If you’d rather spend your disposable income on adventures, why not? (Just make sure you’re investing in pension/long-term too because obviously a larger house is an asset whereas a family holiday adventure backpacking abroad is not).

Do what makes you happy, not what you think you should.

Original poster
ZoinksRun · 18/07/2021 10:16

Hmmm re: teens you're absolutely right and something I haven't considered.
I think we're very aware that we are so fortunate. My friend is waiting for a two bed house through the council and she would love a house like ours. She says she would shut the doors and never leave. I feel so bad that I don't appreciate it and moan about it.

OP posts:
DavidTheDog · 18/07/2021 10:20

I think this is much more about what you want from life and what kind of person you want to be vs what you think you ought to want and be.

Grimbelina · 18/07/2021 10:29

It sounds like you actually made a good move (for the future) but are very unsettled from so much change plus the events of the last year and haven't worked out how to 'live' in the new house in a way that works for you. How can you tackle the cleaning and making it easier? Is everyone helping? Can you get some advice on how to make the garden low maintenance? I have made a similar move and still working everything out a year in...

Twattergy · 18/07/2021 10:36

Depends what your timeframe is for this house? Is it a 'this will do for 5 years' or a 'our forever family home?' If you bought with long term plan, and you love the location then it seems a waste of moving costs/stamp duty to move again? If you work FT I'd guess you can afford a cleaner? Feeling guilty about not using a house is quite strange. We are a small family in a big house and although we don't use all spaces to their full extent we see it as a benefit to be able to have room for guests to stay/bigger Dinners etc. So there are social benefits to more room too? Esp once kids are teens.

NautaOcts · 18/07/2021 10:39

Did you not appreciate having the added space over lockdown?

CustardyCreams · 18/07/2021 10:40

Well, if you aren’t there much, it hardly matters if it is disorganised and not especially clean and tidy, does it?

Original poster
ZoinksRun · 18/07/2021 10:43

@NautaOcts we were both out the house throughout unfortunately, even both kids due to being keyworkers. I'd secretly love ten days isolation so we could crack on with house stuff but shockingly despite us all being in patient facing roles and kids at school/ preschool we've (touch wood) avoided it.

OP posts:
PerhapsCarriageGreen · 18/07/2021 10:46

I'd stick with it if you can. When the children are teenagers, they seem to need so much more space. Even desks in their rooms (because they won't want to share) take up space.

NautaOcts · 18/07/2021 10:47

Ah I see
Although you just have had more weekends/non work days at home surely?

But I don’t think it’s a failure at all, do what works for you but as others have said, teenagers might change things and it hardly sounds excessively large

BruceAndNosh · 18/07/2021 10:48

Maybe your lifestyle of never being at home was a reaction to the old house being too small.
Maybe you need a new lifestyle rather than a new house.
Why are you going out on trips when you could be enjoying your big garden?

Maybe give it a year making changes to make this House as low maintenance as possible.
We extended our patio over 2 flower beds that took a lot of upkeep.
Bingo! We then had an outside area we love to sit out in, I often enjoy my first coffee of the day sitting there, even if it's cold and I'm wearing a coat. And I don't have to look at those sad weed filled flower beds.

thisplaceisweird · 18/07/2021 10:49

As soon as they're 10/11 you'll be so pleased with the space and you'll have a lot more time (hopefully!!)

Hang in there!

thriftyhen · 18/07/2021 10:50

Having space is lovely, particularly when they are older and they take up more space and bring their friends back. Teens come in hoards!

Could you afford a gardener or just simplify your outside space with a large patio, grass and simple borders of shrubs? A wild flower meadow with fruit trees is simple too, and you only need to mow paths to walk on, depending on your space

I'd give it a few more years, but if it really isn't for you, then downsize.

WaterBottle123 · 18/07/2021 10:52

Agree with everyone else, you'll massively appreciate the space when they are older and so will they

CantStandMeow · 18/07/2021 10:57

BruceAndNosh

Maybe your lifestyle of never being at home was a reaction to the old house being too small

This really rang true for us. We moved from a two bed flat to a house a couple of years ago. We were previously out all weekend, hardly ever home. Couldn't understand people who pottered about at home over the weekend. Then we moved. And suddenly we didn't need to be out all the time, we didn't feel so claustrophobic, we weren't avoiding noisy/nightmare neighbours.

We still love "our adventures" and day trips but we also love our home.

DDIJ · 18/07/2021 10:58

This reply has been withdrawn

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mistermagpie · 18/07/2021 11:00

I have a very small three bed with three little (six and under) children in it. It's half the size of most of my friends houses and they only have two children, but I love it. I can keep an eye on the kids really easily, always know where everyone is and it's easy to clean and tidy. I used to hate it but somehow lockdown made me appreciate it more. I stayed in PILs house with the kids recently (PILs weren't there) and their house is massive but I found it quite stressful and made me appreciate our small space.

It's cheap too, I work three days a week and DH works four. We have a really nice life.

BUT!! I am aware that when the kids get older we will need more space, the older two share an they won't want that as teens and although we have a big garden we will need more space in the house for sure. I know we will need to move and I will need to work more.

Your move has just pre-empted what you would probably need to do anyway. So try and look at it like future proofing, now you can settle down and enjoy the area and the space and have it all ready before you need it.

Any move is a period of adjustment and you might just be having a wobble.