We should have bought a smaller house

[ZoinksRun]

We used to live in a two up two down house. There were two things wrong with it, it was in the suburbs where I didn't fit in and terrible for bus routes.
We decided to buy a three bed closer to town, with a big garden. It was at the top of what we could afford. Our mortgage payments are our biggest outgoing, whilst on the old place we didn't have a mortgage.
At the time I was so stressed from having two kids in a very small space and they had a lot of stuff! I also learnt to drive and so the whole world opened up to me.
What I didn't do was think about our lifestyle. I have gone full time, kids are at school (as opposed to in the old place where I was p/t and one was still at nursery.) I didn't acknowledge that I am not a homebody and our weekends are spent out the house, on day trips or with friends. I think on average we're at home between 7pm to 7am the next day and maybe Saturday mornings and evenings and a bit longer on Sunday. In the holidays we go away usually.
The house feels like a massive waste. It's a beautiful family home that I don't have time to clean or organise. I don't enjoy gardening so that feels like a chore. We should have just bought another small house closer to town.
In the last year I think everyone's priorities have changed and I don't want to miss out on anything. I think it's made me appreciate our adventures more.
If I sell up I'll feel a strange feeling of failure. Why isn't the house enough for me? Why can't I stay home more? Everyone else seems to keep time aside to stay in and do this stuff but I just don't enjoy it.

Oh my goodness you are massively over analysing this. I suspect you are an over thinker from the comment that you didn’t fit into the suburbs - most people would just say it wasn’t for them.

If you don’t like your house move, thousands of people do that every year. Stop placing such huge emotional significance on it.

round here houses with decent sized gardens are flying after folk experienced lockdown with little or no outside space. Obvs it depends when you bought but if you are set on selling then now might be a good time

How old are your kids. When mine were young I wanted to be out all the time -now they are older ill happily stay in

@godmum56 yes I think that is what made me consider it, however then if we do downsize and house prices continue to go up we might not be able to upsize later. What we SHOULD have done was stayed in the small house, continued to save and then bought a 3 bed outright.

You spend an average amount of time at home, like a lot of people. That's normal when you have small kids. They won't always want to go out with you on the weekends though.

Why don't you try spending some more time at the weekend at home and see if you like it? I'm sure kids will love the garden.

wow, you must be doing well if you can plan to do that!

Are you a lone parent? You make it sound like the onus is on you to do all the chores etc. Another adult and getting the dc to clear up after themselves, it won't take long. Maybe put by a couple of hours on a Saturday morning. You won't regret the larger space.

I’m not being rude but it’s a 3 bed house, even if detached and on a huge plot and extended how big can it be? How can a 3 bed be too big for a family?

What we SHOULD have done was stayed in the small house, continued to save and then bought a 3 bed outright

I can’t see the difference, personally. But it seems that the issue isn’t the size of the house but that you feel uncomfortable about having a mortgage. Welcome to the real world where they’re the norm. Very, very few people with small children are mortgage free. We were over 60 before we paid ours off.

Make the garden a low maintenance (wild) play space with a big table and chairs for entertaining and invite your friends over more.
Can you wfh at all?
And make one weekend a month into a house jobs weekend until you get the place the way you want it. YANBU, though, a bigger house and a full time job is hard work.

I would never want my kids to share bedrooms at all but especially not when they are teenagers, I think as they get bigger you'll grow into the house.

Move. You now know what you do want, nothing wrong with that.

In your shoes I would sit down and calculate how much it will cost to move house. I just moved and it cost a fortune. Solicitors fees, stamp duty, removals, mortgage fees, surveys, estate agents. Then all the cost and hassle of making the new house your own, redirecting post, changing address on everything. It’s time consuming and expensive.

Then think about what exactly bothers you about your new house.

Is it the expense of the mortgage? Most people’s biggest outgoing is their mortgage or rent. If you can’t afford the house and it’s curtailing your lifestyle hen move.

Is it the garden? Could you Spend some of the cost of moving money on making it lower maintenance?

Is is the house work? Invest in a robo vac?

As others have said as the kids grow you will want more space so be sure this move will address what is really bothering you about the house.

Another way to look at it is that it’s good financial sense to invest in a more expensive property. You’ll benefit from house prices rising and will end up with a bigger asset.

If it is only the size of the house, then wait it out.

Teens need space.

Just to echo a previous poster - once your kids are teens you need so much more space! Size 11 shoes, massive coats, backpacks, sports equipment. Plus they want their own space. If you downsize now you may regret it in a few years.

How I see my life in my head is not at all what I like in real life. I fantasise about having people for the weekend, lots of entertaining etc. Except I don't really enjoy it at all! I have just sold my large, detached house with pool. I loved the space, and I am a homebody, but I never went into more than the first ten feet of the garden (I did use the pool though). I liked looking at it, but I'm not a gardener. And we used our formal dining room two or three times a year. And whenever I did have people to stay, I really wanted them gone after day two!
I design interiors so my house is important. But i don't need the space and upkeep. I'm moving to London, a terraced house half the size. My friends think I'm mad. But it's the location I want now. And I've realised my lifestyle may be different from my friends - some of them love going for long rambling walks in the countryside, running their houses like free B and Bs, but that's not me. I like being at home my own, being walking distance to cafés and restaurants. I'm not apologising for that, and neither should you for preferring to be out and about and not prioritising your home. But I agree with PPs - teenagers want their own rooms and their own hanging out space (Summer house in the garden)? As long as the location of your house works for you, I'd stay. Get a cleaner too.

if it is the shock of a large monthly debt (mortage) then lock it in to a low rate, and view it is a savings plan.
The positives are that you have better transport and are closer to town, and currently have room for a home office, or put mats down and call it your yoga studio.
If the debt is curtailing your lifestyle, then do reconsider your pension/savings/debt/budget as a WHOLE.
It can take a while to "get into" a new place. Don't feel that you have failed if it hasnt happened yet

I think you are making a rash decision here you've not given yourselves time to settle in.
You moved for reasons and you have met the needs you have.A bigger house with a large garden nearer the town sounds lovely.yes there are downsides but don't make a knee jerk decision to move because other issues have cropped up.
Enjoy your home and it's benefits,you'll need the space when dc are bigger.
Try the gardening,it doesn't have to be a suburban ideal,it can be a wild garden,a cottage garden with winding paths opening out to seating areas,once you get designing you might get into it!😊
Get a cheaper if affordable.
Enjoy,be happy.💐

How long have you been there?

I felt exactly the same way when we first moved into our current home. We had gone from a two up-two down and a yard and dragging the dining table into the living room every Christmas to two reception rooms and big kitchen diner with a massive garden.

It was too much. But as the years have passed we have grown into it. The thought of sharing a space with toys/kids friends/overlooking the neighbour's kitchen is now as foreign to me as the space and privacy.

Have you even moved if you don't have a what the actual fuck have we done moment?

See the year out, have Christmas and summer holidays, decorate a few rooms, host a few times and your attitude will change immeasurably. Also try and set up a cleaning schedule if you can - a day a room. The first time it took me the whole evening after work to gut/dust everywhere but now it's literally half an hour and makes such a difference and it doesn't get on top of you.

You'll get there, if you don't there's no shame in selling up.

A 3 bed isn't exactly a big house, and most people aren't mortgage-free like you used to be, their mortgage usually is their biggest bill. You don't say whether that actually means your mortgage is extortionate/too much, so is it just because of the change from what you've been used to? I agree with several PPs that this sounds like a wise move overall. Downsizing to a two-bed with a family of that size seems spurious, and the fact you hadn't considered what it'll be like when they're teens suggests that even though you're overthinking in some ways, it's not clear-headed and more of an emotional response to your old lifestyle. At this point, try to look to the future rather than the past with regrets. But in general, no, I don't think you should have bought a smaller house.

3 bed house is small. With 2 kids it’s the bare minimum I’d say.

If you downsize to a 2 bed the kids would have to share as teens. Where would they work? What if one of you is made redundant and needs to work from home?

I don’t think you’ve thought this through properly.

I also think you need a cleaner.

Sometimes less is more.

I have a friend who lives in a large expensive townhouse in Kensington and she is besieged by the expense, having to hire a gardener as the garden is too 'complex' for her; cleaners; her husband is always away on business (to pay for it all) and she basically only uses about 4 rooms (living room, bedroom, kitchen & bathroom) as she is alone most of the time and has two whole floors that she doesn't use. They don't have any children so I'm not sure why they bought such a huge place (Status? Because they could?). The overheads are phenomenal!

If you're out all the time then why would you even feel like or care about "not fitting in in the suburbs"

Also - why do you have to stay at home more to justify living in a 3 bed? That seems very odd logic to me.