We should have bought a smaller house

[ZoinksRun]

We used to live in a two up two down house. There were two things wrong with it, it was in the suburbs where I didn't fit in and terrible for bus routes.
We decided to buy a three bed closer to town, with a big garden. It was at the top of what we could afford. Our mortgage payments are our biggest outgoing, whilst on the old place we didn't have a mortgage.
At the time I was so stressed from having two kids in a very small space and they had a lot of stuff! I also learnt to drive and so the whole world opened up to me.
What I didn't do was think about our lifestyle. I have gone full time, kids are at school (as opposed to in the old place where I was p/t and one was still at nursery.) I didn't acknowledge that I am not a homebody and our weekends are spent out the house, on day trips or with friends. I think on average we're at home between 7pm to 7am the next day and maybe Saturday mornings and evenings and a bit longer on Sunday. In the holidays we go away usually.
The house feels like a massive waste. It's a beautiful family home that I don't have time to clean or organise. I don't enjoy gardening so that feels like a chore. We should have just bought another small house closer to town.
In the last year I think everyone's priorities have changed and I don't want to miss out on anything. I think it's made me appreciate our adventures more.
If I sell up I'll feel a strange feeling of failure. Why isn't the house enough for me? Why can't I stay home more? Everyone else seems to keep time aside to stay in and do this stuff but I just don't enjoy it.

@Charlize43

Sometimes less is more.

I have a friend who lives in a large expensive townhouse in Kensington and she is besieged by the expense, having to hire a gardener as the garden is too 'complex' for her; cleaners; her husband is always away on business (to pay for it all) and she basically only uses about 4 rooms (living room, bedroom, kitchen & bathroom) as she is alone most of the time and has two whole floors that she doesn't use. They don't have any children so I'm not sure why they bought such a huge place (Status? Because they could?). The overheads are phenomenal!

Living in a large house with no kids and a DH who’s away a lot is completely different to a 3 bed with (presumably) 2 kids.

I don’t see how anything smaller would be even vaguely comfortable.

[quote ZoinksRun]@godmum56 yes I think that is what made me consider it, however then if we do downsize and house prices continue to go up we might not be able to upsize later. What we SHOULD have done was stayed in the small house, continued to save and then bought a 3 bed outright.[/quote]
I don't quite understand this; is it the size of your mortgage that's the problem for you or the size of your house?

@Pinkdelight3

A 3 bed isn't exactly a big house, and most people aren't mortgage-free like you used to be, their mortgage usually is their biggest bill. You don't say whether that actually means your mortgage is extortionate/too much, so is it just because of the change from what you've been used to? I agree with several PPs that this sounds like a wise move overall. Downsizing to a two-bed with a family of that size seems spurious, and the fact you hadn't considered what it'll be like when they're teens suggests that even though you're overthinking in some ways, it's not clear-headed and more of an emotional response to your old lifestyle. At this point, try to look to the future rather than the past with regrets. But in general, no, I don't think you should have bought a smaller house.

I think @Pinkdelight3 really covers it all. Plus, the question about your mortgage: I realize selling a two up-two down wouldn’t cover the whole cost of a three-bed but it must have covered at least a decent chunk, so I can’t imagine your mortgage is extortionate? But of course, I could be wrong. Also, you mention only being there from 7pm from 7am. You have a few years of those weekend day trips. Then your child might (I know each child is different) have to be dynamited out of bed on any day off, including every weekend. And the teenage years seem to start about age 10 now somehow. I think you’ve made the right choice for the long-haul, but that probably takes some getting used to. Once your children have independent lives, independent friends, independent hobbies… houses get smaller.

I like to be out and about. Being at home all day makes me feel claustrophobic. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a flat or a five bed house; I like to be out and about. I also like to be central to things, so I can walk places as well as drive.

But I’d second the question from a PP - is it that you’re unhappy with the house, or is it your new mortgage that’s the problem?

@Charlize43

Sometimes less is more.

I have a friend who lives in a large expensive townhouse in Kensington and she is besieged by the expense, having to hire a gardener as the garden is too 'complex' for her; cleaners; her husband is always away on business (to pay for it all) and she basically only uses about 4 rooms (living room, bedroom, kitchen & bathroom) as she is alone most of the time and has two whole floors that she doesn't use. They don't have any children so I'm not sure why they bought such a huge place (Status? Because they could?). The overheads are phenomenal!

investment? that's why we bought ours

I think you are probably overwhelmed and not having an organised space is very stressful. It is just easier to close the door and do something else instead. I’d prioritise a week during the scholl hols where you table one room at a time. Get the kids helping. Organise everything in that one room then allocate jobs to each household member for that room. Kids room = their responsibility. Your room is yours etc but shared spaces = shared responsibility. One kid fills up the loo rolls/whatever the other unpacks the dishwasher. Do ironing on one day only. Everyone else will get used to being responsible for making sure their washing makes it into the pile etc or miss the boat. Once you are organised the low level stress you are feeling may subside. Then consider a gardener /cleaner. Everything does not need to be down to you tl sort. It will be far cheaper sub contracting out the things you dislike than the cost of moving as a pp said. You may even enjoy your space more as you haven’t got the feeling that you should be doing more whilst you are in it in its current state. Finally I think you might need to accept that your personality type may have a high extrovert element so you need other people/bustle/noise/excitement to make you happy. Yes other people might stay at home/enjoy the space more but they are not you!

Was everything sorted in your old home? A place for everything?
Moving is such an upheaval it can take a year to get everything where you want it if you haven’t got a couple of weeks to just sort the house out. Have you anyone who would come and help for a few days to get organised? If not a helpful family member, maybe you could pay a local teenager. I’m much more efficient with a helper!

@ZoinksRun

We used to live in a two up two down house. There were two things wrong with it, it was in the suburbs where I didn't fit in and terrible for bus routes. We decided to buy a three bed closer to town, with a big garden. It was at the top of what we could afford. Our mortgage payments are our biggest outgoing, whilst on the old place we didn't have a mortgage. At the time I was so stressed from having two kids in a very small space and they had a lot of stuff! I also learnt to drive and so the whole world opened up to me. What I didn't do was think about our lifestyle. I have gone full time, kids are at school (as opposed to in the old place where I was p/t and one was still at nursery.) I didn't acknowledge that I am not a homebody and our weekends are spent out the house, on day trips or with friends. I think on average we're at home between 7pm to 7am the next day and maybe Saturday mornings and evenings and a bit longer on Sunday. In the holidays we go away usually. The house feels like a massive waste. It's a beautiful family home that I don't have time to clean or organise. I don't enjoy gardening so that feels like a chore. We should have just bought another small house closer to town. In the last year I think everyone's priorities have changed and I don't want to miss out on anything. I think it's made me appreciate our adventures more. If I sell up I'll feel a strange feeling of failure. Why isn't the house enough for me? Why can't I stay home more? Everyone else seems to keep time aside to stay in and do this stuff but I just don't enjoy it.

Tbh you may be very thankful of the garden and extra space during the inevitable winter lockdown!

Why don’t you put aside one Saturday or Sunday a month to stay at home and enjoy your house. Do some gardening,have a barbecue, get the paddling pool out, or invite friends to yours.

Move. It’s not a failure.
My great granny (lived late 19thC) moved 12 times in her adult life as her circumstances changed, all within a 10 mile radius.
Go for it!

I feel the same OP. Big house, which I didn't think through (baby brain) as I am in fact completely crap at maintaining it. We are thinking of moving as even my practical DH feels the same.

3 bedrooms is a small house for a family. Personally I wouldn’t consider that big enough for parents + 2 kids - I’d want a spare bedroom for guests and a study,

Moving is very expensive.

If I sell up I'll feel a strange feeling of failure. Why isn't the house enough for me? Why can't I stay home more?
This is the daftest, over dramatic thing thing I've read in a while.

If it doesn't fit your lifestyle move. It's a bit of a no brainer and doesn't need all the angst. My friend moved to her ' forever home ' two years ago. Things aren't turning out how she thought so she us moving to something more suitable.

Everyone else seems to keep time aside to stay in and do this stuff but I just don't enjoy it * not everyone.

It's a 3 bed so how much more maintenance/cleaning is it? We went from a central 2 up 2 down to a 5 bed detached on 5 acres and it doesn't feel proportionally more onerous but we like the change in lifestyle.

Selling up is not failing - if that's what you want, do it - but if you think you might upsize again in the future another option might be to just get a gardener and cleaner?! Sounds like you're quite financially secure, and it'd save a lot of stress. We do our own gardening but a cleaner comes once a week for 3 hours and it's the best money I spend!

Don't feel guilty for not enjoying housework and gardening!

Surely you were glad of it during lockdown, weren't you? The garden and space for DC.

I really wouldn't downsize while DC grow. Give them space to spread their stuff out, have friends over, even turn one room into a den for them to hang out as teens that you don't need to ever enter .

Your house doesn't have to be immaculate. You sound like you enjoy life. That's what matters. If you have the money - you could get a cleaner and a gardener. Or pay DC to mow the lawn etc.

Is the living space in the new house hugely bigger than the last one, op? I'm struggling to imagine how vast a 3 bed can actually be, or why it would seem more than you need when you have two children?

Well work out estate agents fees, solicitors fees, stamp duty set that sum aside. Find a home you think will suit you. Get your home valued. Then do the sums. New home - old home - costs = . You will then know where you are financially

@Standrewsschool

Why don’t you put aside one Saturday or Sunday a month to stay at home and enjoy your house. Do some gardening,have a barbecue, get the paddling pool out, or invite friends to yours.

LOL

OP is the UK

With teenagers, a 3 bed house won't feel too big. And being in town will be an advantage

A Roomba robot would help with cleaning

Agree with a PP you could diarise a few weekends to get the house jobs done

And use Marie Kondo techniques to get the house tidy

I'd stay - we have a big house and (in normal times) were out a lot, but it didn't feel like a bigger house was a waste. We're probably going to extend into the loft, not so much because we need the space and mainly as we need to overhaul the roof, so we'll extend while we do that.

But, and here's a thing to bear in mind - given how things are going it's not unlikely our kids will have to live with us for a while after they finish their education, in fact I might encourage them to until they are earning more than starting-job money. So the extra space will be useful for them to be able to have something like their own space while still living with us - we figure that if we have our bedroom and bathroom in the loft, our current bedroom could become 'their' lounge so they have separate social space.

I think you should just stay there.
You'll be glad of the 3 bedrooms when the children are over. They need their own space. When they are teenagers they might be at home a lot in the evenings and weekends so the house hasn't "gone to waste".

I think this is not really about the house but about the lifestyle. You want to be out having adventures and not tied to a house with mortgage, therefore having to work full time, and having to do the housework it needs.

Are you single?
It's a beautiful family home that I don't have time to clean or organise. I don't enjoy gardening so that feels like a chore
You don't have time to clean. You don't have time to organise. You don't enjoy gardening.
If you are not single, what is your partner doing?

And btw, when you say everyone else seems to have time to stay in and do this sort of stuff but you don't enjoy it.... do you really think that others do?
I have a small one-bedroom flat and I still have to stay in to make sure it is clean, to do washing, do maintenance on things, paint it when the walls get grubby, wait in for people to come and repair stuff that goes wrong.
It's life and it has to be done. I don't enjoy any of that at all.

You can't have a family and never be in the house because you're constantly out adventuring. Having a family is a choice you have made. The home you live in needs to be big enough for the family you have and it needs to be kept clean and maintained so that everyone feels comfortable and at home.

I think you are way overthinking this. Just because you have a house of a certain size, doesn't mean you have to sit in it all the time.

We moved to a huge house from a tiny house when our 3 children were little. We both worked full-time, kids were in daycare or afterschool. every weekend we were out of the house at swimming/gym/football etc or daytrips to zoo/beach/boatclub/whatever. It took us years to decorate it the way we wanted and years to get the garden the way we wanted. It still was lovely for each child to have their own room, have a spare room for guests, have the space to host big dinners/get togethers.

Needs of a family change a lot as they approach the teenage years.

14, 15, 16 they will need a quiet, encouraging space to study for G.C.S.Es if they are taking them, and after that if they go on to sixth form, the same. No guarantee that schools with run as normal and workplaces the same for the next two years.

in amongst all that there will be a need for space as many have said for their friends to drop round. Don't underestimate how important thi is.

And space will be needed for you and DH if you have one, quite frankly as they go through turbulent times with their hormones and moods and sleeping in until noon.

You will want space for you to escape.

It seems such a shame you are regretting the garden. There are ways and techniques of no dig gardening that are really simple.

Really autumn is the time to get that in place but you could sit out and do a plan a drawing for what it is you would like it to look like.

I think the first thing I would do is as others have said, decluttering.

It feels difficult to do and it is until you get something done, but there are loads of tips out there.

The very first day you schedule for decluttering I would

1. order a skip. In it goes everything that is really rubbish .

1. Pile two. Charity shop and reuse pile. Charity shops will be collecting again soon and some every collect from your house.

1. After that spend some time in the space when it is freed up and just be.

1. Entertaining is a lovely thing. But it doesn't need to be complicated. Big garden table outdoors. Shade umbrella. Ready.

If you don't want to cook, order pizzas in. Pizza oven? Sure teenagers would love that later on.

If that doesn't work tapas, either home made or from supermarket.

Plus wine. And off you go.

Have a 'garden party' and explain that in exchange for food and wine you would really like your friends to look at the space and come up with some inspiration.

I always think that a physical place changes when friends come round. Feel that this has been one of terrible things of covid, that sitting round a table for so many people has become really difficult.

Can I come too? Lol.

I was so stressed from having two kids in a very small space
You've lost sight of this OP. You had multiple good reasons for moving.

If think you could have stayed where you were to save more and then buy outright you are presuming high prices are going to fall for 3 beds plus decent garden which is looking unlikely. Downsizing now isn't a personal failure but you chucking another set of legal fees etc down the drain isn't a great financial move.

"continued to save and then bought a 3 bed outright."

Hardly anyone but the very rich buy houses outright. It's completely normal to have a mortgage and have the space rather than hole up in a too small house to save up a whopping sum and buy outright. What you're describing is so normal, you just need to chill till you acclimatise.