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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Is it rude to only offer guests a set menu?

105 replies

SoLongAsTheresCheese · 17/07/2021 19:15

We're planning on organising a smallish family gathering(within guidelines) as we still haven't met a cousin's almost two year old and haven't seen other family members for some time.

A family member is paying for everyone. It'll be in a local Italian which has very nice food. I suggested they offer the set menu which is quite extensive. But very reasonably priced. But they're concerned that it's rude.

Is it really so rude to offer a set menu and not offer guests the full a la carte experience?

OP posts:
Igetknockeddown · 17/07/2021 21:14

@IndigoHexagon

Send the set menus in advance and ask for pre orders due to the party size - then on the day no one needs to see the restaurants a ka carte menu
^absolutely this.

The restaurant will also thank you for the pre order.

Sazzlepopz · 17/07/2021 21:17

No I don't think it's rude at all. It's a thoughtful idea to host a meal and generous to foot the bill so think it's perfectly reasonable to offer the set menu.

tiredmama2020 · 17/07/2021 21:17

@SoLongAsTheresCheese Not rude at all! If I know someone else is paying for a meal then I prefer it to be a set menu! Saves me doing the quick scan of the prices and finding the cheapest thing to order 😅🤣 i feel so uncomfortable when I know someone else is paying 🙈

Family meal at a nice hotel once and FIL announced “everyone pick what you want, we’d like to pay for the meal” and I spend the whole meal feeling SO uncomfortable as BIL sat loudly saying “oh excellent - I love a free meal!” then proceeded to order a prawn starter, fillet steak and a whole a bottle of wine as the one he likes only came by the bottle and he declared that it would “ruin” his steak if he didn’t have the wine he liked with it. He then also ordered a dessert and coffee 😬
I know FIL said to order what you want but I feel like the social norm would be to go for a mid-low price option 🙈 or maybe that’s just me!

Inthemuckheap · 17/07/2021 21:23

Perfectly acceptable and far easier for all as less dithering!

Fiddliestofsticks · 17/07/2021 21:23

@tiredmama2020

That's awful! Was he the son of FIL? Or had he married a daughter? Either way, it's awful but at least if he was a son they could tell him off properly after!

BrilliantBetty · 17/07/2021 21:23

The set menu makes complete sense!
Definitely not rude and will allow the host an idea of how much the bill will be in advance.

How generous.
It's also easier for guests. If I was being paid for I'd order the cheapest thing, no starter or dessert. This way everyone knows what's ok / expected.

Mollylikestodance · 17/07/2021 21:25

Totally normal and fine - everyone will just enjoy the treat of being out together and someone else paying! I can't imagine why anyone would complain or be unhappy

Sazzlepopz · 17/07/2021 21:25

You make such a good point, I scan the prices and choose something reasonably priced rather even if it's not what I want to eat. Definitely not just you.

Zhampagne · 17/07/2021 21:28

In my background it would be really rude. You either pay for all of it or you pay for none of it.

She is paying for ‘all of it’. Does your logic extend to the wine list too? Would you be really rude if you took me for dinner but declined to buy me a bottle of château Margaux?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 17/07/2021 21:29

It sounds perfect! Have fun.

MarianneUnfaithful · 17/07/2021 21:30

It sounds like the 3 course set price menu , and that is 100% OK to offer your guests. Your Mum need not worry at all. But do ask the restaurant to give out that menu only.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/07/2021 21:31

In my background it would be really rude. You either pay for all of it or you pay for none of it.
What background?

tiredmama2020 · 17/07/2021 21:38

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@tiredmama2020

That's awful! Was he the son of FIL? Or had he married a daughter? Either way, it's awful but at least if he was a son they could tell him off properly after![/quote]
@Fiddliestofsticks NO 🙈🙈🙈 hes married to DHs sister. I sat there with my veggie curry as it was the cheapest thing on the menu (£16 for that main btw...so it wasn’t the cheapest of places 🙈) and having a glass of the wine that the rest of the table were drinking and he’s sitting next to me ordering about £100 worth of food and drink 🙈
Nobody else batted an eyelid but I was dying inside 🙈🤣

rookiemere · 17/07/2021 21:38

I can't imagine why anyone would think anything other than how generous it was for someone to pay for their meal and get to choose what you want to eat.

Your friend who thought it was mean - does she often pick up the bill for the entire table ? I've noticed that people who often don't pay for things themselves call others cheap.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/07/2021 21:45

I think that is fine.
Friend had her wedding reception in an Italian restaurant, 3 courses for fifteen quid type thing.
It was great. Restaurant happy, made plenty on the vino!

GroundingProject · 17/07/2021 21:49

@BlueSurfer

It seems odd to do at that at a restaurant when it’s not necessary or any inconvenience to you to provide different meals.
It stops greedy clueless guests ordering the lobster. It’s also much simpler!
Nancydrawn · 17/07/2021 21:51

The only way it would be approaching mean is if there was a huge differential between the daytime menu and the regular menu.

So, if for the regular menu there were lots of complex items and the daytime menu only had a simple pasta and a chicken breast, I suppose it might be a letdown. I've been at a few places where there's a clear and obvious differential between, say, the house-specialty scallops or lamb two-ways on the regular menu and a very uninspiring vegetable tart or basic pasta on the set menu.

But honestly, if someone else is paying, the only truly rude thing would be to be a guest who sticks up their nose at hospitality. Your mother is lovely and generous to be hosting no matter what the menu.

(And the obvious way around it is to have the restaurant give the set menu only, so there's no temptation or disappointment.)

canigooutyet · 17/07/2021 21:56

With the amount of cf'ers out there if I was going to take a group to a restaurant and I'm paying, I would be using the set menu. Once in the restaurant I would make it clear to staff, I'm paying for the set meal stuff, plus a limit on booze.

If people want to go off menu that's down to them and their own pocket.

If people aren't happy with this, they aren't obligated to come.

Original poster
SoLongAsTheresCheese · 17/07/2021 22:08

The only way it would be approaching mean is if there was a huge differential between the daytime menu and the regular menu.

So, if for the regular menu there were lots of complex items and the daytime menu only had a simple pasta and a chicken breast, I suppose it might be a letdown. I've been at a few places where there's a clear and obvious differential between, say, the house-specialty scallops or lamb two-ways on the regular menu and a very uninspiring vegetable tart or basic pasta on the set menu.

I think the menu is interesting enough if not thrilling. I just remembered that there's the option of any pizza or pasta from the A la Carte menu so I'm not sure if I'll be able to hide it from them, and there's no problem with them ordering the pizza or pasta but as many have suggested. I'll send the link to them and pre order to make things easier for us and the restaurant.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoLongAsTheresCheese · 17/07/2021 22:09

Menu if anyone is curious. Hopefully there are enough options to please everyone. I don't think any of them are particularly adventurous eaters so I think they'll be satisfied.

https://lavitapizzeria.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/BBdaytimee_aug19.pdf

OP posts:
tiredmama2020 · 17/07/2021 22:14

@SoLongAsTheresCheese

Menu if anyone is curious. Hopefully there are enough options to please everyone. I don't think any of them are particularly adventurous eaters so I think they'll be satisfied.

[[https://lavitapizzeria.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/BB]]daytimee_aug19.pdf

@SoLongAsTheresCheese I’m sure your meal will be lovely OP 😊 We’ve never had a bad meal in La Vita!! City Centre is our usual one 😊
Original poster
SoLongAsTheresCheese · 17/07/2021 22:22

We’ve never had a bad meal in La Vita!! City Centre is our usual one 😊

Waves I'm in E.D so we usually go to Bishopbriggs but we have family coming from Glasgow and East Ren so we'll choose another this time. Glad to hear that you've never been disappointed.

OP posts:
334bu · 17/07/2021 22:54

YANBU

Nancydrawn · 18/07/2021 04:01

Oh this is a huge amount of choice! I thought you were talking a couple items each, like this thehawksmoor.com/locations/seven-dials/food/express-menu/

And again, there's nothing wrong with that! I just wouldn't in that case give the full menu for comparison.

But your menu is capacious and will suit absolutely every taste, I'm sure. Nothing to worry about in the least.

sashh · 18/07/2021 04:17

I think the set menu is generous. If you go to a wedding you rarely get a choice.

The last family gathering I went to (pre covid) was in a pub and we all chose our meals and then the list was emailed tot he pub, it made it much easier for them to cook and serve 30 meals at the same time.

I know some PPs have said it but it is worth saying again.