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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Is it rude to only offer guests a set menu?

105 replies

SoLongAsTheresCheese · 17/07/2021 19:15

We're planning on organising a smallish family gathering(within guidelines) as we still haven't met a cousin's almost two year old and haven't seen other family members for some time.

A family member is paying for everyone. It'll be in a local Italian which has very nice food. I suggested they offer the set menu which is quite extensive. But very reasonably priced. But they're concerned that it's rude.

Is it really so rude to offer a set menu and not offer guests the full a la carte experience?

OP posts:

Essentialironingwater · 17/07/2021 20:15

I think it's fine. Usually when we book an Xmas get together it's compulsory, and driven by the restaurant, presumably because it's more tricky to produce 10 different meals for 16 people at exactly the same time, which isn't the case when people are dining in sets of 2-6 which tends to be naturally staggered as people come in/drink/order at different times.

minimoomoos · 17/07/2021 20:17

Of course it's ok. I had a set menu at my wedding. No choice whatsoever. 1 starter, 1 main,1 dessert.Only other option was the vegetarian, which I knew in advance.

DramaAlpaca · 17/07/2021 20:17

It's not at all rude. It's perfectly acceptable and very sensible.

Taswama · 17/07/2021 20:24

Sounds like a great idea and if you can circulate the menu in advance and ask people to choose it will make it much simpler on the day too.
Just keep a copy of what everyone has ordered as they will have forgotten by then!

redcarbluecar · 17/07/2021 20:25

Of course it's fine - they are generous to be doing this in the first place.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/07/2021 20:28

It's absolutely fine.

LimeRedBanana · 17/07/2021 20:29

Absolutely fine.

All wedding breakfasts are a set menu surely. Unless a buffet, I guess.

Noterook · 17/07/2021 20:30

I would feel more comfortable with a set menu if someone else was paying, none of the awkwardness about being thankful but not sure what is fair to order. As there are no dietary requirements and sounds like they have a good selection, sounds much better.

XingMing · 17/07/2021 20:35

For lunches, unless it's very foodie, the expectation would generally be that 90% of customers would order from the set menu of the day's choices. Maybe not if you have chosen a Michelin starred option but in real life.

ElephantOfRisk · 17/07/2021 20:37

It's perfect and also better for the kitchen for a large group as everyone needs to be served at once.

Lweji · 17/07/2021 20:37

I asked a friend and she thought it was a bit mean

Your relative is paying for everyone, it's not mean at all.

Even with no choice, it is still very generous of that relative.
And if anyone complains, they could order a la carte and pay for themselves, I suppose.

LimeRedBanana · 17/07/2021 20:40

I asked a friend and she thought it was a bit mean

Your mother is paying for everyone’s food, and the word your friend uses to describe this is ‘mean’?!

I certainly hope she’s not on the invitation list!

FYI - your Mum is being very generous and considerate.

ElephantOfRisk · 17/07/2021 20:41

I had loads of choices at my wedding meal but that's because we limited that to 44 people and my brother was the restaurant manager. think we had about 5 or 6 starters and desserts and about 8 mains. But I've also been at weddings where we've had to pre book a choice of 2 mains with a fixed starter and dessert and some where you just all get served the same. I can't say it's ever made me think they are mean or whatever. They've just bought you a meal so I'd be happy for that.

AlCalavicci · 17/07/2021 20:43

I agree with PPs it is absolutely fine to offer a reduced / set menu .

If someone does want a 10oz steak or king prawns for starter and main then they can get their wallet out !

WombatChocolate · 17/07/2021 20:44

Good point, that lunch especially, even in top restaurants is far more usually a set menu. Set menus can be EXTREMELY nice and are often not cheap at all.

I suspect the friend who thought it might seem a bit cheap hasn’t been taken out in a larger group on a frequent basis, or seen the set lunch menu at many swanky restaurants.

If you’re the organiser Op, I guess part of your job is to reassure the host. Perhaps neither of you has done this much before, perhaps the guests won’t have been taken out much like this before.

Keeping things simple, where you ask the restaurant to only out the set menu on the table, can make it a simpler experience for yourself, the host and all the guests. The most tricky kind of meals like this are those where it is hoped people will choose from a set menu but that expectation isn’t made clear and lots of different menus are on the table. Generally speaking, guests also like simplicity. Most people are conscious that someone else is hosting them and don’t want to go overboard in choosing really expensive items…the set menu makes this easier for them too. It also removes that worry people have about if it’s appropriate or a bit pushy to order a starter etc too.

The set menu makes everything g clear for everyone. Go for it.

XingMing · 17/07/2021 20:44

Who thinks taking the whole group out and not offering the run of the a la carte menu is mean? Only someone really rather spoiled. Unless the host is a multi-millionaire, and even then, I feel the reaction is ungrateful.

Ozanj · 17/07/2021 20:46

@SoLongAsTheresCheese

We're planning on organising a smallish family gathering(within guidelines) as we still haven't met a cousin's almost two year old and haven't seen other family members for some time.

Is it really so rude to offer a set menu and not offer guests the full a la carte experience?

In my background it would be really rude. You either pay for all of it or you pay for none of it.

Stonerosie67 · 17/07/2021 20:51

In my background it would be really rude. You either pay for all of it or you pay for none of it.

There's always one....🙄🙄🙄

Not rude in the slightest, the total opposite in fact. I hope you have a lovely time

WombatChocolate · 17/07/2021 20:52

Oranj, but the host WILL be paying for all of it…..it will be a 3 course meal and drinks.

It just so happens that one menu will be offered, when like most restaurants, there are both set and a la crate menus.

LimeRedBanana · 17/07/2021 20:53

In my background it would be really rude. You either pay for all of it or you pay for none of it.

Presumably the OP isn’t from your background, so this can safely be ignored.

And her Mum is paying for all of it - all of the set menu.

Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 20:57

@Ozanj ops mum is paying for all of it.

And what are the chances your background is theirs?

XingMing · 17/07/2021 21:00

@Ozanj, there's a balance somewhere in this. We had a big party lunch celebration some years ago for 70 people and paid, but the menu from which people were asked to make their choices was the standard lunch menu, not the evening a la carte which is more extensive and more expensive. But our guests were only shown/offered one menu. And the wine list was house wines only, not the rare varietal vintages also available. In which world is that rude? Unless you are a Russian oligarch out to impress?

BorderlineHappy · 17/07/2021 21:01

No it's not rude.
After all we all have that one person who would order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Then on the other end you have the ones who'd order the cheapest thing with tap water.

This way all angles are covered.

sorryforswearing · 17/07/2021 21:02

I think a set menu with that amount of choices would be fine and personally I’d be happy that my food was being paid for.

S111n20 · 17/07/2021 21:11

I don’t think it’s rude at all.

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