AIBU to find my child annoying?

[blaisealex]

I think my DS is naughty and it's my fault but I'm not sure what to do about it. Or perhaps it's just normal behaviour for his age that he'll grow out of. But he's starting to irritate me quite a lot. I watch him sleep and he looks like an angel but within half an hour of waking up, I'm already iritated with him.

He's three. He's a bloody fidget and won't sit still anymore. He eats at the table most of the time but when we have a meal on laps in living room he keeps getting up and jumping around the room with food in his mouth. He doesn't listen when we tell him to sit down. He mucks around at breakfast time, wanting to make his own breakfast but spilling everything everywhere and then not eating any of it.

He's very demanding and bossy. And literally doesn't listen to word we say. When he's at Nursery or with family though, he's an angel.

Not sure where I'm going with this tbh, I'm just finding it hard at the moment and worried about how he'll grow up with how he behaves now. I want him to listen and do as he's told but I've no idea how to change things.

What are the consequences when he jumps around during dinner? What are the consequences when he doesn't listen to what you say?

This sounds quite normal for a 3 year old but I think now is the time to implement some boundaries and consequences so that it doesn't get worse.

Erm, he's 3... he's just doing what it says on the tin. I am sure, what with covid and everything, things aren't easy, but he's just being a 3 year old. How is your mental health otherwise?

I have zero experience with kids and he's my first so I'm not sure what's normal for three years. And there doesn't seem to be any consequences when he doesn't listen. We just keep telling him to come and sit down. DH might shout eventually.

Praise good behaviour and immediately punish bad- being consistent with both.

I’d say always eat at a table- it’s hard for little ones to do it without a solid surface.

I've had four and I can confirm that three year olds are trying by design. They're too old to be a baby anymore but too little to be a proper big kid so they get frustrated and act like tools. The reason he looks like an angel when he's sleeping is a trick by Mother Nature to stop you yeeting him into the nearest wheelie bin.

The breakfast thing sounds like he's trying to be independent but messing it up? Could you measure some portions of cereal into little baggies inside the box then he only needs to pour out a baggie rather than try wrangle the entire box. I'd give him lots of managed opportunities to practice his independence (I used to invent jobs for mine to do), lots of praise when he's doing things you want him to do (and specifically say what it is he's done well), and stay firm on the more challenging stuff (I did two warnings and then removal from the room/the situation to calm down before being allowed back).

@Scarydinosaurs

Praise good behaviour and immediately punish bad- being consistent with both.

I’d say always eat at a table- it’s hard for little ones to do it without a solid surface.

How would you punish bad behaviour?

We used a step in the hallway as somewhere to sit as punishment. Provides somewhere they can think about what they’ve done and removes them from the situation to deescalate what’s happening.

He's three. He's a bloody fidget and won't sit still anymore. He eats at the table most of the time but when we have a meal on laps in living room he keeps getting up and jumping around the room with food in his mouth. He doesn't listen when we tell him to sit down.

Don't have a meal in the living room. It sounds like he is struggling with the lack of consistency. Make it easy for him, that will make it easy for you.

Goodness, he doesn't need a naughty step. Just some clear boundaries. Table for meals.

And I say ‘punishment’ but really it’s just about being clear in what you want/don’t want to see.

We never called it a ‘naughty step’ or left them on it for very long- just long enough to realise their behaviour was unwanted and wouldn’t get them attention.

Lots of praise and lots of love for the good behaviour you want to see.

How would you punish bad behaviour?

Disclaimer: this is based solely on my own DC, different methods work for different children.

I used to try and have consequences that fit the situation and natural consequences as far as possible. For example, if they threw a toy and wouldn't listen when told to stop throwing it then that particular toy got taken away. Leaping around and not stopping when asked/told, taken out of the room to calm down. Pull the plug out of the bath or throw the water around, bath time is over. Hitting at playgroup, time to go home. It takes a while to sink in as they have to make the connection that x-behaviour results in y-consequence which is why consistency is important, you have to act every time to help them make that connection.

The breakfast thing is not naughty. He is trying to be independent and actually, children need to learn how to do things for themselves. Give him clear instructions on how much to use and decant milk into a jug to minimise spillages.

Natural consequences were for things like refusing to wear gloves or a coat. I could spend my morning debating it and arguing or I could say "okay then", put the coat/gloves in my bag and let them try it their way. After a minute or so outside I could ask "would you like your coat/gloves?" and the answer would always be yes.

Typical three year old behaviour I’m afraid 😖Definitely needs consequences, you will need to see what severity is needed for your little one and what he is upset about losing/missing out on the most. Don’t ever say something you’re not prepared to do either, he will soon learn they are empty threats and not be bothered!

Hi @blaisealex I could have written this! My DS is 3 and a half almost, and exactly like this. I am a single parent and at the end of my tether, he only just started nursery a couple of months ago, which has been a god send, but the mornings before hand and the evenings are a nightmare.
I had tantrums on and off for 4 hours yesterday eve, you aren't supposed to do this that or the other, but I have watched and listened to other very calm decent parents lose their rags as soon as this behaviour starts, so I am not alone in finding it hard. I just feel embarrassed at all the noise that people around us have to listen to.
Mainly my one is worse when really tired(like yesterday) sick, bored, wants something I won't let him have, or hungry or a combination lol.
I am not a great one these days for getting outdoors with him, but try to when you can, even the extra hour in the park after nursery helps, but that's okay as long as he is comfortable, otherwise by the time another hour has passed, he gets grumpier, more tired and more hungry even though I always take something with me for after nursery, as he comes out like a hungry 🐻🤦‍♀️😆

Sounds like a normal 3 yo!

You have to distinguish between naughtiness and behaviour that isn't bad but annoys you.

If he’s better behaved eating at the dinner table then eat at the dinner table all the time.

“There don’t seem to be any consequences” well you’re the parents, it’s your job to implement consequences, they’re don’t just magically happen.

I work with this age group. It is all in the voice and how you say what you are saying.

They are learning routines and behaviour, never expect them to just know what you expect, for example (happy face and tone, open gesturing) “We’re going to have dinner now. We’re going to sit down on our chairs and eat up beautifully.”

As soon as you see him trying pour on the praise, “Oh my goodness, look how beautifully you are sat!” “Daddy, have you ever seen a child sitting as beautifully as DS?”

The first time you need to remind him, use a positive tone again encourage him to think “where should you be?” When he sits down praise him “good thinking, you remembered, and did the right thing.”

The second time is the warning, you need a firmer tone, less words, and gestures which match. “Sitting on your bottom!” (Slight rise in tone at the end).

If he still doesn’t follow your boundaries, imagine he’s darted into the road, that’s the voice you need, “sit down!”

Ideally and with practice, getting to the third warning will be a rare event. With consistency most children do the right thing after a little questioning prompt.

A lot of misbehaviour at this age comes from having a need that they can't express or from pushing the boundaries as they're learning what is/isn't acceptable behaviour (and often the only way to test this is to push). When the kicking off or the put of control behaviour started I used to ask myself are they hungry/tired/thirsty/hot/frustrated, etc and if the answer to any of those was yes then I'd resolve it, youngest DC was queen of the hangry temper tantrum but chuck a banana her way and she was sweet again. If none of the above then I'd try think if they were trying to tell me something, behaviour is communication, so (using the examples from your OP) if there was always silliness when we ate off our laps instead of at the the table then I'd think maybe they're trying to tell me it's too hard to eat off their lap or there are too many distractions in the living room, that sort of thing.

He’s not naughty. He’s 3. 3 year olds are full of energy, but they need clear boundaries and natural consequences at that exact moment in time. For example, if he hits someone, you remove him from the situation and sit with him to explain why hitting isn’t kind, and we use gentle hands.
If he throws his food, he gets told “I can see you don’t want your food right now. That’s okay, I’m going to take it away until you can sit down and eat without throwing it.” Don’t throw the food away, just move it somewhere he can’t reach and try again 5 minutes later.

Children thrive off of routine. Especially children that young. 3 year olds simply cannot be naughty; because they don’t understand the concept of “right” or “wrong” and “naughty” or “nice”. They’re acting exactly how their brain tells them to, and putting them on a naughty step or in time out is not an effective way to deal with the unwanted behaviour in the long run.

Consequence of jumping up and down at mealtimes = baby seat gets brought back out along with bib. Big chairs are for sensible big boys only.

All children are annoying- some stop being so at about 30.

I agree keeping it consistent is the best. And you're playing the long game here. By coaching him on appropriate behaviour now hopefully you'll have a decent human in 15 years time. He's not going to be perfectly behaved as three year old but he can learn what is expected. And I think that's key, set the expectation. I don't think punishment is that effective especially for very small children. There's a good book 'How to talk so little kids will listen' if you feel you need some strategies. Can you also ask nursery? If I'm trying to figure out a problem with DDs I ask the professionals! The nursery workers have great suggestions usually.

Some great suggestions eg. Setting out just enough for him to make his own breakfast etc. Are you also making sure he is getting enough exercise, rest etc. Mine go bonkers when they're tired. It's kind of hilarious but also requires the calm of a Zen master.

Make meal time a routine, sit at the table every meal. If he gets up and walks off can you just say 'we sit at the table when we're eating. I see you're playing. It looks like you've finished dinner' and then calmly move his plate elsewhere. My little one would usually come running back...but not always. We listen to a podcast sometimes which DD1 loves and helps keep them in their seats.

The same with interrupting/shouting etc. Tell him inside voice, mummy is talking etc.

But yeah Zen master like patience as 3 year olds are hard work!

@Daphnise

All children are annoying- some stop being so at about 30.

I agree with this! I'm pretty sure my DM finds me annoying and I'm mid twenties

"Consequence of jumping up and down at mealtimes = baby seat gets brought back out along with bib. Big chairs are for sensible big boys only."

Are you joking? He's 3, just eat at the table always. How is he to know how to behave when he's eating meals in different places etc.

He's fine OP. None of what you've said is "naughty". He's just 3