AIBU to find my child annoying?

[blaisealex]

I think my DS is naughty and it's my fault but I'm not sure what to do about it. Or perhaps it's just normal behaviour for his age that he'll grow out of. But he's starting to irritate me quite a lot. I watch him sleep and he looks like an angel but within half an hour of waking up, I'm already iritated with him.

He's three. He's a bloody fidget and won't sit still anymore. He eats at the table most of the time but when we have a meal on laps in living room he keeps getting up and jumping around the room with food in his mouth. He doesn't listen when we tell him to sit down. He mucks around at breakfast time, wanting to make his own breakfast but spilling everything everywhere and then not eating any of it.

He's very demanding and bossy. And literally doesn't listen to word we say. When he's at Nursery or with family though, he's an angel.

Not sure where I'm going with this tbh, I'm just finding it hard at the moment and worried about how he'll grow up with how he behaves now. I want him to listen and do as he's told but I've no idea how to change things.

Totally normal!!

4 year old are only a tiny bit better I'm afraid to say...

5 and 6 it starts to get enjoyable.

3 year old are mentalists

Gosh think it's unrealistic to expect 3 Yr old ti sit nicely if you are all on sofas watching TV while you est. He isn't being naughty he is just full of energy and doesn't care about the same things you do.

Think of how they do things at nursery..its heavy use of routine and things always being very clear. Take nothing personally he is tiny still.

My latest three year old was nicknamed Begbie...

I do feel like I'm failing him though. That I need to be firmer and more consistent with boundaries. I'm too quick to give up and give in because I hate making him sad or seeing his pouty face. For an easy life too, I guess. I probably do spoil him. I just need to work out ways of being more consistent, firm and also organised. If my kitchen was tidier it would be easier to get him to eat at the kitchen table but at the moment, by default, he just swans off into the living room with his breakfast because the table is full of junk or last nights dinner plates! I'm massively failing here.

@waterrat

Gosh think it's unrealistic to expect 3 Yr old ti sit nicely if you are all on sofas watching TV while you est. He isn't being naughty he is just full of energy and doesn't care about the same things you do.

Think of how they do things at nursery..its heavy use of routine and things always being very clear. Take nothing personally he is tiny still.

Yes, I think this is part of the problem. I'm quite chaotic and unorganised and this is reflected in my life and home. Which I think doesn't leave any room for routine and thus everything for him is so inconsistent. I really struggle with routine. It's one of the reasons I seem unable to hold down a FT job.

You're not failing. No child ever turned to affect of delinquency because the table was messy, I promise, and its an easy fix. Make it a habit before bed to quickly clear the table, even if it's just a case of stacking everything up and putting it at the far end.

You can still spoil him too, giving treats and having boundaries are not mutually exclusive.

incredibleyears.com/programs/parent/
I did this course by zoom, funded by local sure start. It's very very good.

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 this is the book. You can.pick it up cheap second hand or buy it as audio book. It may be available from.local library

Eh yes very normal. My daughter is 8 and just today I phoned my ex (her dad) ranting about her behaviour and her moods. I find her totally annoying a lot of the time but she would never know it.

I always let my children at that age run around at meal times if they wanted to. Why fight against the energy they have trying to make them sit still. They are older now and well able to sit down and have a meal at a table. Some things are not worth making a big issue out of

Nope - YANBU to find a 3 year old annoying. They just are. Even Mozart was five before he composed his first piece. Look on the bright side...your child can't possibly be as irritating as three-year old Mozart was. Cut him some slack.

And if you eat in the living-room, throw all the rules out the window and have a floor picnic. Save table rules for the table.

Mess never killed anyone.

3 year olds are knobs. But, you do need to be firm. Don't let things go, otherwise you'll end up with a much older child who is an even bigger knob.

OP, your comment about routine is possibly the key to this.

3 yr olds need routine and complete consistency. When my children were that age, they were by no means perfect (one also has an ASD, which is an added challenge) - but some things have to be absolutely non-negotiable.

Mealtimes are high on the list of non-negotiables.
Only ever eat at the table. Same time every day. If he starts trying to hop up and down, warn him that his breakfast/lunch/supper/whatever will end if he does it again. If he does it again, he leaves the table.
No TV, at all, while eating. In fact, no TV at all other than to watch something specific.

Bedtime is the other non-negotiable (along with its attendant rituals - bath, milk or whatever, stories, cuddles, firm good night).

Breakfast: provide him with a manageable degree of autonomy. Put things out that won't create mess and drama, but which still give him the idea that he's involved. Small boxes of cereal?

You will be doing other people a favour, not to mention your son, if you can find ways to be a bit more organised - not least once he starts school, in terms of friendships, ease of playdates etc. You don't want him to be immediately labelled as a 'naughty boy'.

If you do nothing else at all, switch the TV off.

When I was childminding and fostering, I bought several of these. www.amazon.co.uk/Addis-513407-Step-Stool-Black/dp/B00EUBBUU4/ref=asc_df_B00EUBBUU4?hvlocphy&linkCode=df0&psc=1&hvnetw=o&hvlocint&hvdev=c&hvadid=80608002971174&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-4584207578294887
They were brilliant! Sit the child on the floor, Put stool over their legs, put dinner on top, so it's like a table. We also used them for picnics and for drawing or playing with small toys as well.

@BlatantlyNameChanged

Natural consequences were for things like refusing to wear gloves or a coat. I could spend my morning debating it and arguing or I could say "okay then", put the coat/gloves in my bag and let them try it their way. After a minute or so outside I could ask "would you like your coat/gloves?" and the answer would always be yes.

This, too!

Op, I completely understand you saying you don’t want to upset your child with routines and boundaries but I promise that your child will become much more happy and confident with them.

Routines and boundaries are a secure platform from which children launch themselves to discover, play and learn. They make a child feel safe. They let the child know they are loved and respected as everyone is treated fairly.

The children I teach, who are pandered to and appeased, rather than supported and guided, spend their day testing boundaries in a plea to have some sort of structure.

They are amongst the most confused and unhappy children. Too much power without the emotional and cognitive development to cope with it.

They are seen as the ‘naughty’ child, often lashing out because they struggle with social norms like sharing etc. as they have never had to.

They haven’t learned to cope with disappointment and waiting to have their needs met, with their primary caregiver and now all of a sudden they have to do it in a busy class full of other small people competing for the same resources. Their little stress levels go through the roof.

Don’t do this to your child. Lay the boundaries now, they will thank you for them later.

Do you have a side table or coffee table in the lounge? We brought a little chair for our DD to sit on at a side or coffee table, just a cheapo chair from IKEA nothing expensive, she would only be allowed to eat in the lounge if she sat nicely on her little chair at her table. They had similar set up at nursery so it worked well for us. Maybe give him a few jobs to do to help eg carry in the cutlery, set the placemat on his table etc and pots of positive praise when he does it, kids love jobs and to help and they also feel like they are getting a bit of a choice and independence but within the boundaries I'd allow. I'd generally set rules, you can sit at your little table if you are good, it's a bit of reverse psychology as she then wants to sit at it if she thought she may not be allowed.

You could try counting as well, so I'd say what I wanted her to do eg, stop tipping sand everywhere, if she didn't Id say something like, I'm going to start counting (do it really slowly) "1....2.....3.... if I get to 5 then we are going home/this toy is going away/we won't come again ....4...." we very rarely ever got to 5! But if you do you need to follow through with the punishment so make sure the punishment is something you are prepared to do. And only use it for things that are important when just asking/telling them doesn't work. It almost didn't matter what the punishment
was in the end because she immediately learnt that when I started to count I meant it. It worked really well for us and was really easy to do, never needed to shout as such, just a firm tone and sometimes slightly louder, or even quieter but firmer/deeper tone works well.

OP, try not to beat yourself up about things. I'm not naturally organised either.

Try to put some things in place that will make things easier.

Every evening before I go to bed I stick a podcast on my phone and listen to it while I get the kitchen in order, hang washing up, tidy the dining table etc. It makes a huge difference to start the next day not in chaos.

At this sort of age, DD was desperate to be involved in jobs and/or to be independent. I went with it and let her pour her own milk etc. Yes, it went wrong sometimes but now at just turned 4 she's getting pretty good at it.

I'm firm about behaviour. It's kinder to them in the long run. I find it absolutely draining when DD's behaviour is bad and I get grumpy which then means I'm not as good a parent so actually it's DD who benefits both in the short-term and the long-term if I'm consistent and don't allow bad behaviour. If you're firm about it and they know where the boundaries are it's less of a battle and within a short time span of you being consistent you'll see a difference and notice everything is easier and happier at home. You honestly aren't being kind to your DS to not deal with bad behaviour and to just let him get away with it. It's your job as a parent to model how we deal with the world and help him learn it so that he can get on well with friendships and at school once he gets there, which will suddenly be just around the corner before you know it.

I found parenting a 3 year old far more challenging than looking after a newborn and younger toddler. It can feel relentless at times.

@BlatantlyNameChanged

"...The reason he looks like an angel when he's sleeping is a trick by Mother Nature to stop you yeeting him into the nearest wheelie bin."

🤣🤣🤣

I've been doing 1 2 3 Magic with my 3 year old and I think it's helping. (It's a book but basically responding to bad behaviour without arguing, begging, negotiation, yelling, just saying in a calm voice "that's 1...thats 2...thats 3, time out/other punishment such as removal of toy, going home, whatever). On the first day we had dozens of time outs , now we rarely have one. He still is naughty but usually cuts it out on 1 or 2.

I have two 3 year olds and yours sounds like a normal 3 year old. Bossy and demanding. I try and impose consequences such as, if you carry on doing x , then y will happen. Or if you don't do x , then there won't be y. This is basically how we go about our day. It used to be constant but they are edging closer to 4 and I'm beginning to see a day where they just do what they're told because they know that xyz will happen if they don't, and I won't have to remind them every single second. They're kids, they don't know things.

I think the fact that you are aware that you aren't dealing with behaviour issues effectively, and are asking for advice, means you are a really great mum.

Crap mums don't notice they're messing their child up, or blame someone else, or notice but don't care.

You've had a lot of good advice and I don't think I can add to it.

I do think a calm, ordered household with routine works best for little children.

I would eat at the table every day since that is when he behaves well. If you accept that all behaviour is communication, his calm well-behaved eating at the table tells you that that's when he feels happiest and most settled.

Notice when he's doing things right and praise him for it. Talk to him in positive terms since he will come to see himself as you do.

When showing unwanted behaviour, I like natural consequences. Whatever he's messing around with, remove it. If he's screaming or shouting, walk away. The penny will eventually drop but it needs consistency from you.

Don’t despair. You will love your grandchildren.

You need to address your own management of routines and being organised. Your 3yo just sounds like a normal 3yo. Wanting to move and jump around isn't 'naughty'. He needs to be sitting at a table to eat! Think in terms of training, not punishing. Nurseries have routines and set ways of doing things. That's probably why he behaves there - he knows the expectations. Routines and boundaries are reassuring for children.

@fourminutestosavetheworld , yes I totally agree with this!!

He needs to be sitting at a table to eat! Think in terms of training, not punishing. Nurseries have routines and set ways of doing things. That's probably why he behaves there - he knows the expectations. Routines and boundaries are reassuring for children

This. Never eat anywhere other than at the table. And don't have the TV on during meal times.