DH, DBIL and last minute visit.

[halandpeeno]

I need to vent and / or get some perspective.
DH older brother is 47. Not married no kids. Lives about 2.5 hours away. We have 2 DS ,one only just 5 the other 3 in a few months.
DBIL has met littlest DS once. Bday and Xmas presents are sporadic/ late or not at all after reminders from PIL as I don’t think he even knows when their birthdays are. They mainly consist of freebies from his business. Even before COVID he wasn’t that bothered about coming to see them or us.
Today he calls and says ‘me and GF thought we might pop down and stay with you tonight’ - I have met the GF once, she is lovely.
The house is a tip, we have no food in, I am on my knees tired as I work in COVID management, oldest DS is being assessed for ASD and has been so unsettled this week and I was looking looking forward to a calm weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I will be the perfect host, in fact DS always takes the piss whenever we have people over normally as he says I go to too much trouble e.g cleaning the house, making sure I’ve cooked something nice.

But DH is pissed of because I am not jumping for joy at the prospect. I would be so much happier if I had even 24 hours notice but DH says DBIL isn’t like that so we just have to deal with it. In DH words, he wants me to be happy about him coming.

What may be playing into it is my DS has her 40th in October. As all of my side of family will be at the party we have no one to babysit. We asked DBIL last month if he could help out, we would put the kids to bed and be back at 11, they very rarely wake up so we. In return we said, why don’t we treat you and you girlfriend to a weekend at ours, it’s so long since we’ve seen each other, come down, we will take you out to dinner as a thank you and we will make a weekend out of it. His girlfriend said yes, (she has older kids of her own and is a police officer so trust worthy and used to kids) he said - no not interested. It is the only time we have ever asked him to do us any kind of favour.
They are his only nephews, with no responsibilities himself he is free to come down at any time (he instead prefers to spend his time skateboarding). DH thinks I should feel ‘grateful’ that he is coming down and is cross that I feel annoyed with DBIL.
I do like DBIL despite how it sounds. We have always got on decently and before we had kids he would often visit. I don’t like how his lack of interest in his nephews has hurt my husband - and it has, DH has frequently said to me how upsetting he finds it. I don’t like the fact that he is not interested in being even a small part of their lives. I don’t like how we are now sat in waiting for him to arrive instead of going out as planned on a lovely sunny day when this is the first time in years he has bothered. I don't like the fact that this situation has caused and argument between me and DH.
I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to be feeling at all pissed off with incoming DBIL?

I’m guessing he didn’t have kids because he’s not interested in kids 🤷‍♀️ I don’t see why he should have to be interested because you decided to have children.

The staying over would annoy me a bit but not much.

Your brother-in-law is clueless and your husband is a twat. I would be fuming if I were you, but actually I wouldn't be in this position because I would have said NO WAY. A few hours notice to spend the night is never acceptable unless it's a emergency.

I'd be feeling more pissed off with DH, to be honest - and he should be helping you to get sorted out house and food-wise as he's the one who said yes.

I'd have just said no. I wouldn't dare invite myself to anyone's house with such short notice so I certainly wouldn't appreciate anyone doing it to me. And with covid who knows what people are comfortable with, regarding visitors to their house. I would hope that you have at least left Dh to clean, get bed ready and get food in for them as you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it.

With regard to your bils lack of interest in the kids - I couldn't get worked up about it. Some people just aren't into kids, even those related to them.

I would definitely prefer to have some notice if a visit, but with DHs help I am sure we could get the house looking respectable and if need be order takeaway for dinner. I’d then just focus on having a nice time.

SameToo
Totally get that just because the kids are the centre of hour lives doesn't make them remotely interesting to anyone else however I thought that he may have more than a passing curiosity in them as they are his only nephews.
He has said in the past that what stops him having kids is that he doesn't want to compromise and if he has kids he would maybe have to do things he didn't want to. He also said that the only way he would get married is if he could find a woman that earned more than him so he could stay at home and do what he wanted.
So, I guess there you have it, he is both incredibly honest and incredibly selfish!

I'm confused as to why it will bother you?
Does your dh expect you to cook and clean up? I'd remove me and the kids upstairs and leave him to it.
Don't be a mug, anymore.

I'd be furious at the lack of notice, and would leave the tidying and cooking to DH.

I hate last minute uninvited guests. Even family.

The only reason I didn't say no is because there wold be an incredible sulk from DH. He would be upset as he hasn't seen his DB in person for at least 2 years and I would be the bad guy. I can get that he would be upset but that is due to DBIL lack of effort not me!

Simple. Don't tidy the house. Don't go to a big effort. When BIL and his GF arrive, say "It's lovely to see you both. The boys are so excited. Apologies for the state of the place. I am absolutely on my knees with work at the moment. We'll get a take away in tonight. How was your journey?"

Be honest about this weekend and how busy things are.

The other stuff about your BIL not showing much of an interest in your DC is not going to change. He's approaching middle age and just isn't interested in little kids. You can't change that. His loss.

Oh and book a babysitter for your sister's birthday. Much easier.

Your DH was all for this visit so get out in the garden, get your feet up and let him sort it alllllll out - cleaning, what’s for dinner, making up the spare bed, the lot, leave it to him.

I don’t like how his lack of interest in his nephews has hurt my husband - and it has, DH has frequently said to me how upsetting he finds it.

And the next time he starts with this ^ whining tell him to stfu.

Yea. I think you have a DH problem. He is facilitating his brother’s behaviour. I wouldn’t care if BIL is someone that pops up on a whim. He is coming to your home with no consideration if you have any plans which is again on your DH since he could easily tell him that you have other plans and whatnot. BIL isn’t causing you and DH to argue, your DH is. As another poster said, I’d head off somewhere else and leave your DH to sort it. It is his brother after all and he did say it was ok despite knowing how you feel.

Why is it selfish to not want children because they'll change your life and you don't want your life changed? That sounds a very sensible decision to me.

The only reason I didn't say no is because there wold be an incredible sulk from DH. He would be upset as he hasn't seen his DB in person for at least 2 years and I would be the bad guy. I can get that he would be upset but that is due to DBIL lack of effort not me!

No. You would be the adult who isn’t taking him or his brother’s BS. Let your DH sulk and remind him he’s not a child and he could go see his own brother if it means that much to him on his own.

Fuck playing hostess and tidying etc.
Your DH can do everything, I’d take myself off for the evening on your own and leave them to it.

Your DH has agreed to host them, he can host them.

Your BIL is not obliged to be interested in your DCs. It's a shame for them but it's his loss as much as theirs.

Yeah he's a selfish git who only thinks of himself. He doesn't like kids because they absorb the attention in a room and he feels put out about that, an issue stemming from childhood. Has a massive chip on shoulder about people not giving him the recognition he deserves. Probably can barely stand his girlfriend's kids.
He's the attention seeker in the family and your DH is the diplomatic putter-upper.
Look its only one day but yes I feel your pain. I'd be pissed off too.

@CagneyNYPD

Simple. Don't tidy the house. Don't go to a big effort. When BIL and his GF arrive, say "It's lovely to see you both. The boys are so excited. Apologies for the state of the place. I am absolutely on my knees with work at the moment. We'll get a take away in tonight. How was your journey?"

Be honest about this weekend and how busy things are.

The other stuff about your BIL not showing much of an interest in your DC is not going to change. He's approaching middle age and just isn't interested in little kids. You can't change that. His loss.

Oh and book a babysitter for your sister's birthday. Much easier.

This^

Don't do a hands turn OP. If your DH is so inclined, he can make up a bed for them. I have a similarly selfish BIL, unfortunately his wife would love kids but they never had that conversation before they married whichblowsmymind

I've never expected my dh to be dancing with joy because a member of my family has decided to visit, especially last minute, and he's certainly never expected it of me. I hope your DH is pitching in with prep work.

On the other hand, while I like babies etc, I'm not an involved aunty, except for the kids I actually like, having been forced to dance attendance on nephews and nieces from when I was seven. I don't expect other people to fall over themselves to be involved with my kids either (luckily).

I'd add as follows-
"It's lovely to see you both. The boys are so excited. Apologies for the state of the place. I am absolutely on my knees with work at the moment and your brother couldn't be fucked sorting anything because he thinks it's my job. We'll get a take away in tonight. How was your journey?"

YABU to lift a finger.

@CagneyNYPD

Simple. Don't tidy the house. Don't go to a big effort. When BIL and his GF arrive, say "It's lovely to see you both. The boys are so excited. Apologies for the state of the place. I am absolutely on my knees with work at the moment. We'll get a take away in tonight. How was your journey?"

Be honest about this weekend and how busy things are.

The other stuff about your BIL not showing much of an interest in your DC is not going to change. He's approaching middle age and just isn't interested in little kids. You can't change that. His loss.

Oh and book a babysitter for your sister's birthday. Much easier.

This. Absolutely this.

They pop in without notice because you're always a good host. Seriously, let them come and muddle through. They're there to see people, not the place. Don't be shamed into putting a front on.

My DH let a friend talk him into coming to stay with another unknown friend for 2 nights. I left him to it. I don't think he'd ever thought about the mechanics of hosting before. He found it very hard.

I did initially to the 'right, you can sort everything out' tactic. That was met with DH getting arsey and saying - look at all the effort I put in with your family. DBIL is never here so why can't you pitch in?
During a previous visit about a good few Xmases ago BDIL announced how the kids had too many toys. How they were plastic crap and how wooden ones were better

Any of that shite this time and I may just lose my potatoes.
Anyway we have booked to eat out, sod cooking. Looks like he is now going to be late anyway so we will have to meet him there.

Your DH and his DB sound a right pair of inconsiderate children. Have you thought about an easier way to live? - ie. without their histrionics?

Wow, your DH is a selfish arse! I'd say to him "you know what? You're right. You and the boys haven't seen him, I am tired and exhausted. You want him, YOU cater for him. I, am booking myself a night in a motel for a treat, and leaving the boys with you. You want him here, you do all the cooking, all the organising, and looking after the boys. I, won't be here tonight. That's how it will be. Take it or leave it."