DH, DBIL and last minute visit.

[halandpeeno]

I need to vent and / or get some perspective.
DH older brother is 47. Not married no kids. Lives about 2.5 hours away. We have 2 DS ,one only just 5 the other 3 in a few months.
DBIL has met littlest DS once. Bday and Xmas presents are sporadic/ late or not at all after reminders from PIL as I don’t think he even knows when their birthdays are. They mainly consist of freebies from his business. Even before COVID he wasn’t that bothered about coming to see them or us.
Today he calls and says ‘me and GF thought we might pop down and stay with you tonight’ - I have met the GF once, she is lovely.
The house is a tip, we have no food in, I am on my knees tired as I work in COVID management, oldest DS is being assessed for ASD and has been so unsettled this week and I was looking looking forward to a calm weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I will be the perfect host, in fact DS always takes the piss whenever we have people over normally as he says I go to too much trouble e.g cleaning the house, making sure I’ve cooked something nice.

But DH is pissed of because I am not jumping for joy at the prospect. I would be so much happier if I had even 24 hours notice but DH says DBIL isn’t like that so we just have to deal with it. In DH words, he wants me to be happy about him coming.

What may be playing into it is my DS has her 40th in October. As all of my side of family will be at the party we have no one to babysit. We asked DBIL last month if he could help out, we would put the kids to bed and be back at 11, they very rarely wake up so we. In return we said, why don’t we treat you and you girlfriend to a weekend at ours, it’s so long since we’ve seen each other, come down, we will take you out to dinner as a thank you and we will make a weekend out of it. His girlfriend said yes, (she has older kids of her own and is a police officer so trust worthy and used to kids) he said - no not interested. It is the only time we have ever asked him to do us any kind of favour.
They are his only nephews, with no responsibilities himself he is free to come down at any time (he instead prefers to spend his time skateboarding). DH thinks I should feel ‘grateful’ that he is coming down and is cross that I feel annoyed with DBIL.
I do like DBIL despite how it sounds. We have always got on decently and before we had kids he would often visit. I don’t like how his lack of interest in his nephews has hurt my husband - and it has, DH has frequently said to me how upsetting he finds it. I don’t like the fact that he is not interested in being even a small part of their lives. I don’t like how we are now sat in waiting for him to arrive instead of going out as planned on a lovely sunny day when this is the first time in years he has bothered. I don't like the fact that this situation has caused and argument between me and DH.
I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to be feeling at all pissed off with incoming DBIL?

If my DH sprung my BIL or any other guest on me at short notice I’d be very angry indeed especially if I was exhausted.

I agree with the above posts, step back and let your DH host. Order a take away or your DH does a BBQ (and all of it not just the manly burger flipping). Be friendly and welcoming but don’t be a martyr and dance attendance on the men. After all BiL won’t be bothering with your kids will he so you’ll be busy with them.

Just mention it casually to your Bil when he comes down. Something along the lines of it ‘would be great to do this again; just let us know in advance next time so we can arrange childcare and let our hair down properly’. That’s all you need to say.

I would do exactly fuck all and let my DH do the hosting in your shoes.

OP still go for your lovely day out in the morning tomorrow - just don't take DH. The weather is great. DH and DBil can sort themselves out.

I wouldn't run around after DBIL. I'd do a quick tidy and leave DH to sort out bedding later & the blow up mattress . After your dinner out, I'd get home, sort boys out , say brief hi to dbil and his gf , that I'm tired and that I have an early start tomorrow so I'll say good night now. (Then go to bed & read or watch Netflix).

The traffics been bad all today heading to the coast, so if I were you OP I'd be up with my boys heading off for our day out nice and early at 7am (or 9am if it suits you better). Your DCs come first. Id look after the DCs for breakfast and point to toaster, kettle and bread in for DBIL

DBIL will much prefer the gracious host, so seeing very little of you & sorting himself out, will teach the selfish CF to arrange visits properly next time.

Any queries about it, I'd say "BIL, you need to ask and not give couple hours notice, it's not a great weekend to have visited- the joys and I already had plans'

That was met with DH getting arsey and saying - look at all the effort I put in with your family.

Is that true, or does he think he's the perfect son in law because he once fixed their tap?

Does he put in effort for your family?

I would not be agreeing to the visit.

If the visit had to happen, I would leave everything to DH, when the shit hit the fan I would have no problem stating to DBIL as your visit was short notice, we have no food and the house is messy but DH insisted we accommodate you both.

TBH he does put in an effort with my family however my family do a lot for us. I his words, his family just doesn't do that kind of thing. Even his parents have forgotten the kids bdays and Xmas pressies before.

That was met with DH getting arsey and saying - look at all the effort
I put in with your family

Well if this is true then he may have a point, if however as is more likely, he is pleasant and civil but does none of the planning, cooking, advance cleaning, post visit cleaning etc then he is unreasonable. Basically whatever effort he puts in for your family visits, you do the same for his family visits.

FWIW I have no interest in my DPs family, no intense dislike or anything just indifference. So I dont go out of my way when they visit. I'm often out in fact as it's easier. But neither does DP facilitate any of my family visits. And I wouldnt want him to.

I voted YANBU. However, I bet your bil will not give a shit about the state of the house. People rarely do. And, who cares what he thinks anyway?

I imagine your dh, despite everything, loves his brother and just wants you to share his excitement. Or, at the very least, not dampen his spirits.

If he tolerates your family, tolerate his.

Uh, maybe I missed this, but there is no way that BIL is just popping down to visit because he misses you all so much, so what’s the ulterior motive? Expect it to be revealed at some point during the visit, and I guess try not to lose your temper completely when it is (or do, if you want to, and fuck off to a spa for the rest of his visit).

Agree with the first poster - just because you decide to have children, BiL isn't obligated to buy presents/babysit whatever. If sounds as if you invited him over in return for babysitting.

FInd yourself a local baby sitter that you can employ when you need it, then you won't feel obligated to anyone in return for free babysitting.

I would eat out, which you have decided to do, and leave any tidying to DH

Can you go out now? Go to a friends or to the pub with a good book? Go anywhere, even if it's for a long walk. Don't run around after them, put your feet up and leave them all to it. Your husband can run himself ragged looking after the kids and trying to cook and tidy up.

My BIL was a bit like that. Then in his 40's he met his now wife and mother to his 3 kids.. COMPLETE CHANGE OF EXPECTATIONS. My kids are in their teens and he has yet to choose a present for one of them without prompting or sending money but if we forget or are late.. there is a lot of huffing and passive aggressive family zooms!! I roll my eyes and leave the room.

Im not sure why you want him to be interested to that extent or even know what to do with your kids? At 47, he has no kids of his own so presumably he never wanted to do that anyway. I think your dh attitude is more annoying and you should be upset with him instead.

TBH he does put in an effort with my family however my family do a lot for us. I his words, his family just doesn't do that kind of thing. Even his parents have forgotten the kids bdays and Xmas pressies before.

Not exactly equal then considering your family makes an effort while his doesn’t and it’s sad that your in-laws can’t even be bothered to remember their grandchildren’s birthdays.

Who knew actually considering your son’s children is a thing? 🙄

Yikes! So your weekend is being turned upside down but you're being told off for not being ecstatic enough? Please don't facilitate this, let the sulker do everything and you can 'pitch in' with some suggestions if you feel up to it. Twat.

YANBU. At all. It is inconsiderate to give next to no notice especially if staying a night.

And you had plans.

Couldn't DH have said not this weekend but next weekend would be great. To allow himself time to get the house visitor ready.

@RightYesButNo has asked the thing I want to know Op, why has your DBIL suddenly remembered his DB and felt he MUST come and visit out of the blue? I'd put money on them having an event nearby and using you as a cheap B&B

Like fuck would I have agreed to that! And what the hell kind of person invites themselves to someone else's home anyway?

Your DHs response feels very "FOG"y as if he feels he has to be grateful for every crumb his brother tosses him. That makes for a very imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship

Dh at the very least given the short notice and it's his brother should be working his arse off to get the place ready, get food in etc but I suspect you're doing that?

Your dh being a sulker is a whole other thread!

I agree the next time he moans about his brother tell him to take it up WITH his brother and not expect you to sacrifice your plans and energy cos he hasn't the guts to!

I'm betting bil is planning on using your place as a hotel and has plans for a concert or similar near you? Or a work thing? The last min thing is suss! Or are you in a popular getaway place? Written before @RightYesButNo post was read but I clearly agree - it's convenient to them for some reason

You need to stick to your guns with dhs shitty attitude and behaviour too.

Do your family do this last min inviting themselves crap?

Even his parents have forgotten the kids bdays and Xmas pressies before.

That's Fucking appalling!

How did you get entangled with such a family of selfish arses?!

Sorry we have plans, but it would be lovely to see you next week if that suits you. Then we can all enjoy it.

When you have CF's in your life, it's good to have stock answers at the ready!

Simple. Don't tidy the house. Don't go to a big effort. When BIL and his GF arrive, say "It's lovely to see you both. The boys are so excited. Apologies for the state of the place. I am absolutely on my knees with work at the moment. We'll get a take away in tonight. How was your journey?"

This ^
I can't understand all the drama and fuss when family come to stay. They haven't given you much notice so will be expecting any sort of performance hosting.

Any of my family, or dh's family, or indeed (as has happened quite a lot over the last 2 weeks and the coming 2 weeks - my adult dcs' friends) are welcome in our hoe whenever they want. They take us as they find us, and might end up cooking themselves. I don't mind people sleeping on a floor somewhere or in a tent in the garden or in a bed that someone else isn't using. It's helpful if I get a couple of hours notice to make sure I can top up the milk or bread or whatever, but if people drop by with short notice, then they take you as they find you. I can't see why people get worked up about it.

I do find it very odd that you would ask someone who lives 2.5hours away, and doesn't even have a close bond with your dc, to come and babysit . I wouldn't go and babysit for someone that far away and I quite like children. I wouldn't dream of having the audacity to ask someone to travel that far to come and sit for my dc

I don't have kids because I'm not fussed about them, and I definitely think YANBU! He sounds rude and lazy and like he doesn't really care about people, least of all his brother. It's sad he can't find the time or space in his heart to be a good uncle, but some people are just like that I guess.

As others have said, I'd be putting NO effort into the house, and as they've invited themselves down I'd wait until they arrived, suggest a takeaway and leave it long enough that they offer to pay at least half. I'd be dropping hints about splitting it like "we don't have to order all the same, if you guys fancy something different to us that works" and then "shall I order and you transfer your half to us or vice versa"? I'm not usually like this as a host but I think he's been a right CF in this scenario and I'd be putting my foot down. "You know where the coffee is in the morning, help yourselves!".

Don't be going out your way to accommodate him. It's a shame his partner's so lovely!

Sorry OP, I'd be really frustrated and bitter in your shoes, as you can probably tell!

Might DBIL be undiagnosed but neuro diverse? With you saying your little one is being assessed for ASD, I'm wondering if there is more to DBIL's behaviour than at first obvious.