DH, DBIL and last minute visit.

[halandpeeno]

I need to vent and / or get some perspective.
DH older brother is 47. Not married no kids. Lives about 2.5 hours away. We have 2 DS ,one only just 5 the other 3 in a few months.
DBIL has met littlest DS once. Bday and Xmas presents are sporadic/ late or not at all after reminders from PIL as I don’t think he even knows when their birthdays are. They mainly consist of freebies from his business. Even before COVID he wasn’t that bothered about coming to see them or us.
Today he calls and says ‘me and GF thought we might pop down and stay with you tonight’ - I have met the GF once, she is lovely.
The house is a tip, we have no food in, I am on my knees tired as I work in COVID management, oldest DS is being assessed for ASD and has been so unsettled this week and I was looking looking forward to a calm weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I will be the perfect host, in fact DS always takes the piss whenever we have people over normally as he says I go to too much trouble e.g cleaning the house, making sure I’ve cooked something nice.

But DH is pissed of because I am not jumping for joy at the prospect. I would be so much happier if I had even 24 hours notice but DH says DBIL isn’t like that so we just have to deal with it. In DH words, he wants me to be happy about him coming.

What may be playing into it is my DS has her 40th in October. As all of my side of family will be at the party we have no one to babysit. We asked DBIL last month if he could help out, we would put the kids to bed and be back at 11, they very rarely wake up so we. In return we said, why don’t we treat you and you girlfriend to a weekend at ours, it’s so long since we’ve seen each other, come down, we will take you out to dinner as a thank you and we will make a weekend out of it. His girlfriend said yes, (she has older kids of her own and is a police officer so trust worthy and used to kids) he said - no not interested. It is the only time we have ever asked him to do us any kind of favour.
They are his only nephews, with no responsibilities himself he is free to come down at any time (he instead prefers to spend his time skateboarding). DH thinks I should feel ‘grateful’ that he is coming down and is cross that I feel annoyed with DBIL.
I do like DBIL despite how it sounds. We have always got on decently and before we had kids he would often visit. I don’t like how his lack of interest in his nephews has hurt my husband - and it has, DH has frequently said to me how upsetting he finds it. I don’t like the fact that he is not interested in being even a small part of their lives. I don’t like how we are now sat in waiting for him to arrive instead of going out as planned on a lovely sunny day when this is the first time in years he has bothered. I don't like the fact that this situation has caused and argument between me and DH.
I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to be feeling at all pissed off with incoming DBIL?

Did he show up?

'Yeah he's a selfish git who only thinks of himself. He doesn't like kids because they absorb the attention in a room and he feels put out about that, an issue stemming from childhood. Has a massive chip on shoulder about people not giving him the recognition he deserves. Probably can barely stand his girlfriend's kids.
He's the attention seeker in the family and your DH is the diplomatic putter-upper.'

This is a bit of a leap....do you know the OP, her DH & BIL?

And it is not selfish to acknowledge you don't want kids because you don't want the responsibility or to compromise or that they just don't interest you. Not everyone wants kids. Maybe his interest will grow as his nephews grow. I'd be fed up about the short notice & last minute plans, I def would be if DH was joking about me stressing to tidy etc & not helping... I wouldn't care if BIL wasn't crazy for my kids every second but I would very much mind if he ignored them or was dismissive..not saying he will of course but there are levels of disinterest. I don't know what to say about babysitting....unless you just tell him you thought he might & it is a bit sad (for DH & kids) that he is not v interested. He DH's brother so just try to make nice once he arrives & happy for DH (that he's happy!).

Your problem is not your DBIL, your problem is that you seem cowed by the thought of your husband sulking. So what? You should have said no and let him sulk.
It's unreasonable for anyone to announce they're coming to stay with you on a day you already have plans. Esp someone who has refused to help you out in even the smallest way.
Try to shake off the people pleasing yoke and learn to say no

YANBU, mainly because any 47yo man who is into skateboarding is clearly a manchild and a twat. Unless he's literally Tony Hawk, in which case he should be buying your DCs better presents.

I would totally leave it up to DH to tidy , sort bedding, food shop and do dinner. He wants to see his brother, why can't he sort it all. Why do you have to be happy about it and organise it all.
Next time your DH wants to organise something when you are not up for it, let him take total responsibility.

If it's so important to DH that DBIL comes to visit, he can do all the tidying/hosting.

You don't HAVE to be the 'perfect host' all the time.