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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give my son away

66 replies

Defeatedbylife · 17/07/2021 13:57

I know i wont do it.Hes mentally disabled and every single day is so so hard,he doesn't sleep all medications have stopped working.He screams allday long,loud grunting angry screams,hes not in pain,its him vocalising and theres no way of stopping him.i cant think function or leave home anymore,he attracts to much negative attention with his non stop noise.his paltry respite isnt touching the sides.in desperation ive been scouring the net for solutions .i read a mother like me called SW and said she couldn't do it they placed her son in foster care and she got him couple of days a week,the horrible and shocking thing was the foster carer got so much support that wasnt made available to the desperate birth mum. Has anyone any experience or went down this path?im so close to the edge right now.

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 13:58

Oh OP, that sounds so so tough. And heartbreaking that mothers don't get nearly the support they need.

Have you accessed support from charities?

Inspirationpending · 17/07/2021 14:00

Oh OP this sounds so desperately hard.
I have a ds with autism and some days the strain is relentless.
Please ask for the help from social services

Does he go to school?

ApolloandDaphne · 17/07/2021 14:02

How old is he OP?

PinniGig · 17/07/2021 14:03

You sound at the end of your rope and in need of some respite support OP. I really recommend you contact social services and just tell them outright, honestly and exactly as you have here what's going on and ask if they can assess and refer you for support.

It doesn't need to be that your son goes to stay anywhere else it could be that you qualify and can take full advantage of some time out to yourself and have respite stay with and look after your son at home just to give you that space to breathe.

Please don't beat yourself up, think you're a bad Mum or doing anything wrong. Far from it you realise this is getting too much for you to cope with alone and you need some support which daft as it sounds is one of the biggest hurdles over with.

Bell them and have a chat xx

GettingUntrapped · 17/07/2021 14:04

Don't feel guilty if you put him into care. It makes my blood boil how mothers are treated and expected to keep going without a break. It's absolutely scandalous!
Sorry you are going through this.

Comedycook · 17/07/2021 14:06

Do what you have to do, you're only human ..it sounds so bloody tough...Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2021 14:08

There's a residential school in Hertfordshire for children with complex disabilities

Plus push for more respite and help/contact your social worker or if you don't have one get one and push push push

Do not be guilt tripped Thanks

Get the best noise cancelling headphones you can - as you say he's not needing anything, just vocalising

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2021 14:09

And obviously put him into care if you need to - you would still get contact Thanks

joystir59 · 17/07/2021 14:14

Seriously I would call social services and state categorically that you are not prepared to be his carer any more. Be direct strong and ruthless. He needs a team of people looking after him in an appropriate custom- built residential facility. You say to them that you are at risk of harming yourself and/or your son. Do this asap OP. You need help.

Ylvamoon · 17/07/2021 14:16

Flowers Please do what is best for you and your Son.
I have a work colleague who placed her son with autism into care. He is now an yong adult and in a home with other adults and specialist care.
She sees him every day- as routine is important to him. She usually has him at home over the weekend and for "holidays"
Honestly, she feels it's the best thing she has done for herself and her son.

Kanaloa · 17/07/2021 14:19

I’m so sorry. I agree with pp that it may be worth looking into residential care. If you can speak to a social worker make sure you really lay it all out - sometimes mums can minimise their suffering to others and make it seem like they’re coping. Make sure you let them know you aren’t, they won’t think badly of you or anything like that.

Original poster
Defeatedbylife · 17/07/2021 14:20

We are on school holidays, he normally attends a special needs school.few hours a week respite, even they just drive him around as hes quite in the car sometimes.
I love him so much,hes got such a beautiful smile,hugs me with such love,but at the same time hes killing me with something that isnt his fault.
I dont want to be writing this,i dont want to be making these horrible decisions, i never ever thought id say this about my own child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Defeatedbylife · 17/07/2021 14:22

I keep seeing stories that the residential facilities more often than not mistreat children like my son.hes such a handful i could imagine people losing their rag with him or drugging him and leavjng him in a room allday and me not having any say so.that would kill me

OP posts:
jadfiewahnds · 17/07/2021 14:26

I can't add anything useful here OP, I can only say that I really feel for you and I hope that you can get the help you need. If you need to consider residential care please don't feel that you are failing your son in any way, sometimes it's by far the best solution for everyone.

Anyone voting YABU is an arsehole

Ooof · 17/07/2021 14:28

Please don’t do this in your own. Children are hard enough without any specific needs. Phone child services and tell them how you homes feel. They won’t judge you, they will find you help and support. Flowers

jadfiewahnds · 17/07/2021 14:29

@Defeatedbylife

I keep seeing stories that the residential facilities more often than not mistreat children like my son.hes such a handful i could imagine people losing their rag with him or drugging him and leavjng him in a room allday and me not having any say so.that would kill me
I've worked in a lovely residential care home and know of many others, any mistreatment would be immediately shut down. I can honestly say that the carers I've worked with would literally knock out anyone who attempted to mistreat a resident in their care, they've all been fiercely protective!
danni0509 · 17/07/2021 14:37

@Defeatedbylife I’ve got a 7 year old with autism / adhd who is a complete an utter handful always has been and the older he gets the more I’m sick of managing him so I totally totally understand your post Flowers

Ds special school will only have him 2.5 hours a day, he needs 2-1 support, I’m not even getting adequate respite during term time. They send him home after such a small amount of time and they know there isn’t 2 of me 😒

My mood has dipped lately knowing it’s the summer holidays next week and it’s a de ja vu feeling to how I felt same time last year too! I speak to many SN families and it’s a common feeling knowing they have the summer in front of them so don’t feel bad.

I’ve thought about residential before too (ds school is actually residential! he’s a day pupil though) I just think I’d feel so guilty and anyway there hardly going to take him 24 hours when they will only have him for 150 minutes a day Grin

No advice, just ears, vent away all you like xx

Unsure33 · 17/07/2021 14:42

honestly don't feel guilty . My friend had to put her son into a specialist residential home and he is thriving . now that rules have relaxed she sees him regularly

( very week)and it is better for him and her

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 14:46

My heart goes out to you Flowers

You need more support, look into any options you can that will take this unbearable pressure off you.

rainbowfairydust · 17/07/2021 14:46

Gosh that must be such a draining situation, can you speak to your local council and see what else can be offered? More respite care, residential care? Carers? Have a look around at the different options and you might find one that builds your trust with leaving your son there. You don't have to do this all by yourself and I think most people would really really struggle with this situation

champagnetasting · 17/07/2021 14:49

I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through and thinking of you x

Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 15:08

OP why not look into residential? Nothing stopping you visiting daily or having home for weekend.

Redruby2020 · 17/07/2021 15:08

You need help, you've done what you can and it is now too much for you.

What is the advice for a parent on their own whose child doesn't have special needs or disabilities?! I am really struggling with my 3 and a half year old, DS.

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 17/07/2021 15:16

I don’t think you should feel guilty at all for feeling like that, nor do I think anyone should judge you. I think you should do whatever makes life more bearable.

Blueskythinking123 · 17/07/2021 15:21

Op you would not be giving him away if he went into residential care. You would still hold parental responsibility and have an input in his care.