To want to give my son away

[Defeatedbylife]

I know i wont do it.Hes mentally disabled and every single day is so so hard,he doesn't sleep all medications have stopped working.He screams allday long,loud grunting angry screams,hes not in pain,its him vocalising and theres no way of stopping him.i cant think function or leave home anymore,he attracts to much negative attention with his non stop noise.his paltry respite isnt touching the sides.in desperation ive been scouring the net for solutions .i read a mother like me called SW and said she couldn't do it they placed her son in foster care and she got him couple of days a week,the horrible and shocking thing was the foster carer got so much support that wasnt made available to the desperate birth mum. Has anyone any experience or went down this path?im so close to the edge right now.

@Redruby2020

You need help, you've done what you can and it is now too much for you.

What is the advice for a parent on their own whose child doesn't have special needs or disabilities?! I am really struggling with my 3 and a half year old, DS.

Are you asking what help you can get as a single parent to a non disabled child? Other than nursery/childminder while you work I'm not sure what else you could expect to be honest?

Maybe start a thread with your situation and see what others think, I'm not sure this is the right place to ask this, especially as the OP is obviously on her knees with a child with very complex needs

There’s been so little support for parents like us over the years and it’s gotten worse over lockdown. I teared up reading your first post, it’s obvious you love your son, but you sound worn out. Can you ask Social services for a review of your package? I think you need to talk to your GP too, they need to know your burnt out, it will go towards evidence for your care package as well. May. Be rude and ask how many hours a week you get? I get 8 for my daughter, but there’s a boy with very similar needs, I’m friends with his mum, she gets 30hours per week!!

I would look at weekly residential care. My neighbour has recently done this with her severely autistic, non verbal, padded, 5ft 9 son (I think he’s 15). It was tough at first (for both of them). It has now improved massively.

@Blueskythinking123

Op you would not be giving him away if he went into residential care. You would still hold parental responsibility and have an input in his care.

Sadly it doesn’t always work like that.

OP, I know exactly how you feel, my dd is now 15, I am a single parent, she’s can be hard work though other people don’t always see this. Dd is pretty noisy too and doesn’t stay still (flaps her arms, runs around) especially when she’s excited or nervous. I am looking for a 16+ placement for her and looked at a residential only to be told that my chances are slim as I would have to prove that she’s in danger at home. Of course I do my very best to keep her safe at home even if it is slowly killing me 😭. There are days where I wish she lived somewhere else but there are other days where I enjoy being with her.

Please don't feel guilty. You can't do this on your own. No one could.

Shout for help.

Much love to you and your boy xx

Hi OP, I'm sorry your going through this. Hopefully you will get some support ideas through this thread. It could be worth speaking to Home Start. You could get a volunteer who visits you weekly, they will also have knowledge of other charities and authorities who can help with support too. They can also assist you in contacting social services if that's something you want to do.

Hope that helps

That sounds so tough @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
I can't even imagine how tough this must be. I hope you can get some help

Sending much love OP. The lack of help for parents like you is disgusting. I'd echo other posters in exploring All your options.

i have assessed workers in respite care facilities and they are some absolutely superb places. OP you are entitled to a carers assessment and a care act assessment. Contact Social services and say that you are close to a breakdown.

Contact social services immediately to ask for an urgent up to date care assessment, and make it clear to them that if they don't organise adequate respite care there is a severe danger that they will have to arrange a 52 week residential full time placement. If they still won't do it, contact solicitors specialising in community care, e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Bindmans, Simpson Millar - you will probably get legal aid to help push the council into giving better help.

How old us he?
You need to call your social worker from disability team aNd say you need overnight respite now.
Ask fir urgent assessment.
See your gp and say you breaking down so they support you
You do t have to give him up for adoption but you can get a shared care arrangement..however you need to ask and there may be wait lists
Which area are you in?

@Lovemusic33 remember your rights aNd hers change at 18. You are no longer legally obliged to care full time. She becomes an adult. Start saying now what you want from 18 eg local supported living. You can then decide which days she is with you. (Can still attend local college from supported living) Look for advice aBout post 18 as it comes around quick .

Danger should not be main criteria for residential have they said that in writing?

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/social-care/moving-into-adult-services/

The Care Act provides much greater rights for carers of adults aged 18 and over. The needs of a disabled adult’s carer are treated in the same way as the needs of the disabled adult themselves. Carers can ask for an assessment if they ‘appear’ to have needs for support. This is a low threshold and entitles most carers to an assessment.

The assessment takes into account the carer’s wellbeing, any outcomes they’d like to achieve, whether they are willing and able to care for the disabled adult and whether they would like to access work, education or training.

Please seek help. You won't regret it. I don't have a child with a disability but I did take on too much. It's a win win for you and your child. They get the care and you get help. They and you will be better off. To it today. It's a sign of strength to ask for help. Bless you. I want to give you a big hug and help you out.

Didn't want to read and run.

Don't be guilted into doing more than you can bear.

If you cannot cope then both of you will benefit from him being elsewhere, and you can still see him and love and care for him.

I hope you get this resolved OP.

This is heartbreaking @OP hugs . Please speak to charities and other resources and see if you can get support from elsewhere. Perhaps seek out any groups or platforms for parents dealing with similar scenarios and see if anyone has any suggestions or what's available. I really hope you get the help you need.

Unfortunately it's not just as simple as putting a child into residential school or asking for more help, a friend of mines child had to reach crisis before they were taken seriously, I do understand Op my son has severe non verbal autism and learning disabilities and whatever people on here might think there is very little help and respite out there.

Parents have been sending their kids to boarding school for years. Do not feel guilty for residential care that will give him and you the care he needs.

Please contact your local children’s services ASAP and tell them everything. Don’t sugar coat it. Be totally honest and open. They can help if they know exactly what’s going on. You clearly need respite in the school holidays and perhaps during term time too. There is respite care out there. You may have to push for it but you’re entitled to it and you deserve it.

Residential is the best option for many but if it’s not an option for you, there are other respite facilities- including ones for short breaks only or foster care for respite.

You are important too and need support. You need a break and you deserve to have your emotional well-being and mental health considered.

I dont know why someone doesnt set up residential facilities that have the mothers as staff, and then hire in additional support staff.

Mothers of disabled children have significant skills and are unlikely to harm out of frustration or bad intent, they also struggle to get employment because they can be suddenly called out to deal with emergencies.

Collective care with additional support would be ideal, the mothers get time alone, the children see their mothers regularly and have them watching out for them personally as well as professionally, and the mother gains a career and a wage in an area she is skilled in.

OP I just wanted to say, it must be so difficult for you.

Don't feel guilty if you put him into care x you sound at the end of your tether and no one has the right to judge you. X

How old is he OP? Please talk to your SW ASAP. Residential care packages are hugely variable yes, but also closely monitored. If you talk to your SW and LA you will be able to get help but you may need to go to panel to change your current package.

Your son’s school will be able to help. Try the safeguarding lead as they often have good direct contact with LAs and SWs.

Sorry you are going through this.

ive sent you a message. forget to say school holidays here also.