To want to give my son away

[Defeatedbylife]

I know i wont do it.Hes mentally disabled and every single day is so so hard,he doesn't sleep all medications have stopped working.He screams allday long,loud grunting angry screams,hes not in pain,its him vocalising and theres no way of stopping him.i cant think function or leave home anymore,he attracts to much negative attention with his non stop noise.his paltry respite isnt touching the sides.in desperation ive been scouring the net for solutions .i read a mother like me called SW and said she couldn't do it they placed her son in foster care and she got him couple of days a week,the horrible and shocking thing was the foster carer got so much support that wasnt made available to the desperate birth mum. Has anyone any experience or went down this path?im so close to the edge right now.

Yanbu. Take all advice here given and reach out for help.

My Aunty does respite care for girl every weekend for years from her foster parents and given complex needs Aunty has need extra help so respite care is being split.

So that total of 6 adults taking care every week now of one child.

Don’t feel guilty for needing help

Don't feel guilty at all, what a heartbreaking situation.
It's so clear from your posts you adore your son and wants his best interests. You just need support and help.
Makes me sick that people have to be a breaking point like this.
I have no experience in this at all but just wanted to say I think you are so brave

When I was a child, it was the norm to put children with severe developmental problems into residential care. In fact, doctors almost insisted on it. You would never have faced censure for doing so. Never. And, in fact, may have faced a certain amount of it if you had not, due to the toll on the rest of the family.

Whatever you feel you must do for your own sanity, you will not hear one bad word about it from me. If you are running on empty, you have nothing left to give ANYONE else, including your son, who needs so much. Look into respite care, by all means, and do not totally count out residential care. Not if you feel you must. Better to see him a day or two a week happy and cheerful than to see him daily miserable and clinging to sanity by a thread.

@Mamanyt

When I was a child, it was the norm to put children with severe developmental problems into residential care. In fact, doctors almost insisted on it. You would never have faced censure for doing so. Never. And, in fact, may have faced a certain amount of it if you had not, due to the toll on the rest of the family.

Whatever you feel you must do for your own sanity, you will not hear one bad word about it from me. If you are running on empty, you have nothing left to give ANYONE else, including your son, who needs so much. Look into respite care, by all means, and do not totally count out residential care. Not if you feel you must. Better to see him a day or two a week happy and cheerful than to see him daily miserable and clinging to sanity by a thread.

Yes well thankfully we don't just lock disabled children away anymore, I realise your post comes from the good intentions, but I'm also the parent of a severely disabled child and I find comments like this offensive If the Op chooses a, residential setting for her child it will be by no means an easy decision and its also not that simple, sometimes it's a hard fought for process even if it is in the best interests of everyone.

You will have far netter more than quality time with him if you can place him somewhere and close by to keep an eye.

The absolute trick with all these residential places, including nursing homes and nursery's is to pop in " unannounced" so you can see what's going on.

If you can place him somewhere where you can pop in, without them knowing and also "take him out" have him at home... You'll be so much happier.

It's hard to describe the moment by moment burden abs responsibility when caring for for someone with such high needs.

Your utterly amazing for making it this far op.

Thanks for the supportive messages. Does anyone know what age it is you can request supported living?is it 16?then maybe i can hold on for another eight or so years knowing this is the end goal.

I didn't want to read and run. I don't have any advice sorry op, but want to let you know how amazing you are and I hope you can get some much needed help and support 💐

@Defeatedbylife

Can't add anything more that hasn't already been said, but my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your suffering, and it sounds like a difficult and miserable life ...

It's outrageous that the foster mother got more care than the birth mother, in the case of the mother you know. But very believable sadly........

I'm sorry if this has been asked/answered, but where is your son's dad?

@x2boys

I did not mean to be offensive, just to underscore the differences between then and now, and my life was severely impacted by my parents' choice to keep a child at home. I kinda raised myself, as every bit of their attention and energy went to that child. They were absent from all of my childhood milestones, caring for my sibling. I graduated from High School (USA) alone, as they were busy with a "spell." It took me a long time to reconcile my very natural feelings of being rejected and uncared for with my mental ability to realize how necessary it was for them. I still struggle with that today, and my sibling has been gone for 40+ years. I never had a relationship with my parents until that sibling died.

Dear OP, my heart goes out to you.

I'm a mother to a severely autistic non verbal little boy, he's almost 4 and I live in fear of the future.

If you reach out to disability SS I hope they help you. Unfortunately when I did the same they were useless and said whilst I was eligable for a carers assessment due to his diagnosis they didn't think there was anything they could do for me and he was too young for respite

They offered to refer me to early help as a gesture of good will. I told them not to bother. My son needed disability specific support.

You will be in my thoughts

[quote FlaminEckVera]@Defeatedbylife

Can't add anything more that hasn't already been said, but my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your suffering, and it sounds like a difficult and miserable life ...

It's outrageous that the foster mother got more care than the birth mother, in the case of the mother you know. But very believable sadly........

I'm sorry if this has been asked/answered, but where is your son's dad?[/quote]
It's outrageous that the foster mother got more care than the birth mother, in the case of the mother you know. But very believable sadly........ sad

Both birth parents gave child up, it wasn’t a case of no help! My Aunty was refused being able to adopting her as she had been passed from pillow to post because my Aunty was deemed to old, they also felt child needs father figure my Aunty although been married for over 20yrs been married to woman was held against her, plus my Aunty also would still require to work demanding job as girl had lot of complex needs that required more finical support. My aunty feels this unstableness of not have secure home add to stress of child. It’s taking its toll now on everyone. The help is for the soul purpose to benefit child, which includes support for those caring for child.

OP You don’t need to wait until he’s 16, please reach out to services, if you won’t don’t for yourself because you feel guilt do it for your child, even if just few more hours respite, you both need it and deserve it

Not married for over 20yrs with partner for over 20yrs but they did eventually get married

I feel your pain,@Defeatedbylife-my adult child (severely disabled) can be very loud at times and he can be very hard work but we love him so much. Lockdown has been so difficult but thankfully school resumes soon. Very little support for us-been wait listed for services his entire life!

My son had overnight respite breaks from age 10. You need to keep pushing your case
And be willing to hand over your child
To others

He moved into supported living age 20.
It takes time to get supported living availability etc commissioning the house the care etc.
But if you begin asking from teenage tears...
There is respite out there ask other local parents , put case for residential school benefitting the child. Ask about shared care Foster care.respite with Foster families.

Saying no won't help...say yes to anything offered.... let them tgen assess and say their service isnt appropriate and refer you back.
You gotta play the system.
"Parent not interested in support" on your file won't help your case....

That was to mauii2

""They offered to refer me to early help as a gesture of good will. I told them not to bother. My son needed disability specific support.":

Yes aBsolutely but sometimes you gotta play the long game and the system let them refer to early help...if early help then writes that your child needs something else you get back on track....look at local offer. "Saying " don't bother" won't help you.