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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to envy people who have lots of parental support

128 replies

ohmum · 25/11/2007 21:41

Sorry but sometimes I find it really hard to be pleased for my friends who tell me they had a nice night out and lie in as parents helped out. Or they had a nice long weekend without children as rellies took over ... the list goes on...

So those of you who are lucky to have all that supoprt bear a thought for those of us who have never had a lie in (even when parnets stay), a night away from our beloveds.... And yes we do have parents, they just don't seem to want to help - and quitefrankly I am really fed up.

OP posts:
yurt1 · 26/11/2007 19:01

Actually its a bloody nightmare. Eg tomorrow I have to give a talk. It finishes at 2.45 which I'm hoping will leave me time to get home for 3.30. My Mum works full time but can sometimes pop out to meet the school bus then go back to work, but she doesn't know whether she can tomorrow or not. If I'm stuck in traffic at 3.20 I am going to be a gibbering wreck.

After school care for ds1 would make a huge difference to our lives and my ability to earn a living. My mother will retire soon, but she's not going to be able to handle ds1 as he gets older - I find him difficult to physically handle now, and she's smaller than me. It's a problem. They're shutting respite services in this city, making it even harder to access after school care.

ds2 and ds3 are easy- easily accessible childcare available until 5.30pm.

yurt1 · 26/11/2007 19:03

yeah snap OJ- all my friends have the same problems so can't meet ds1 for us because they're too busy trying to juggle their own families and/or their children won't have other kids in the house etc etc.

Isn't there meant to be some law thing guaranteeing after school care for ALL children by 2009 or something. I will be interested to see whether they remember to apply it to ds1's school population.

onlyjoking9329 · 26/11/2007 19:09

its funny thou that the people most willing to help are friends, no help from family at all.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 26/11/2007 19:44

I have a good bit of parental support and I do know that I'm very lucky. My mum and dad help me out so much - dh's do nothing and I imagine if my parents were the same it would be very tough. In fact I certainly wouldn't have been able to have three children because having mum around mean't I could go back to work. And I was unable to find anyone else who would take on dd as a baby due to her extra medical needs.

Thanks mum & dad

Tables are turning a little now though as they're much older so I'm looking after them.

chocciedooby · 26/11/2007 19:45

I live in a different country to my parents and family and my PIL have not been well these last couple of years. When they were in good health though they still never offered to babysit! My SIL's and Bil have never offered either but they have their own kids to be looking after.
DH and I didn't go out together for nearly 2 years and I found it very difficult. We were lucky enough to be in the position to hire an Au Pair last Feb and have been making up for lost time! She will be leaving at Christmas and then we will have to search for a new babysitter.
In our case we found it vital to our marriage to do everything we could to get out together at least once in a whole.
Do you have any pals that you can do a babysitting swap with?
Good Point OJ, it is always friends that offer to help. Maybe it has something to do with the grandparents having been thorugh it all before themselves ans never wishing to do it all again. Mind you what is a night babysitting now and again going to do to them? They should enjoy it!

LOVEMYMUM · 26/11/2007 19:57

Nope - you're not being unreasonable at all. That was a quick answer!

I have family on both sides to help me when baby no.1 arrives and i feel guilty cos my friends have no-one (parents in north of England and abroad).

Troutpout · 26/11/2007 20:03

No you aren't
Mine and dh's are in London...i am near Manchester.
Sometimes i am envious of those people with lovely parents nearby...but then sometimes i think i'm well out of it too

alicet · 26/11/2007 20:05

Both sets of grandparents live about 300 miles away. My parents stay regualrly though and are great - happily take on night feeds, pooey nappies, and baby sit so we can go out and have lie ins. Dh's mum is helpful but more on her terms - will only get up after 7 with the boys, won't carry them up the stairs (and therefore lots of things like changes etc are no help as I have to be there anyway) but actually she loves them both and they love her and thats much more important.

Yes I wish my mum and dad lived nearer (and mil lived nearer but not on our doorstep ) but I think I am very lucky that they all go out of their way to help AND parent our children as we choose even when they don't agree.

I would second the advise to ask them (only read first few messages...) as they may be worried about treading on your toes and be worried about offering...

mm22bys · 26/11/2007 20:41

YANBU. My and DH's parents are on the other side of the world - we have no family in this country. If we want a rare night out, we pay a babysitter, and have had to extend DS1s nursery hours because I have to take DS2 to loads of appointments.

It would be great to have someone to help out occasionally, also it would be great to have close family near by so that the DSs can build a relationship with them - am feeling it more and more especially as DS1 gets older - the last farewell 3 weeks ago was particularly hard.

I know we chose to live in this country, and we wouldn't be here if we felt it wasn't better than the alternative, but it doesn't stop the feelings of envy - luckily though most of my friends are in the same boat with no family too nearby....

kickassangel · 26/11/2007 20:53

yep, we do pretty much everything. parents are willing but live 100s of miles away.
my sister lives near our mum & often drops kids off for a couple of hours if she has work to do. my school is being inspected soon & i am doing all my work in the eve to catch up (like now!)
also, someone at work has just had parents pick the kid up (5 months) for a few days so they can rest - she's on extended mat leave & finding it too hard. her dp works part time & takes the kid one day a week! I find it hard when i remember doing everything myself, working ft & still doing home cooked everything!
arghh, don't like getting mean & jealous, but so hard when you feel like you never get a break.

blueshoes · 26/11/2007 20:54

I envy those with parental support too.

My parents are thousands of miles across the ocean. I can count on one hand the number of times my MIL has taken dd off me (forget ds who is just 1 year old).

I now have a live-in aupair. It's great!

meglet · 26/11/2007 20:55

YANBU. I'm not suprised you are fed up. I know I am very very lucky that I have family to help with 1yr DS. Never had a lie in though, i haven't got the guts to ask anyone to babysit over night, don't go out much either. Just for work really, and sodding doctors appointments. Not exactly letting my hair down! Still jolly glad to have them though.

AMAZINWOMAN · 26/11/2007 21:23

I also envy people who have parental support.
I don't even see my family over the whole Christmas or for the kids birthdays.

I dont care about me-but how can they just ignore the kids? And show no interest in them. Im not even sure they know the kids names

soopermum1 · 26/11/2007 22:48

yup, i have geographically close parents envy too. mine are a few hundred miles away, DH's are (thankfully) a few thousand miles away.

mine are great with DS when they see him though, my mum comes down every few months, entertains him, cleans my house from top to bottom, rearranges my furniture, tells me i keep my house like a midden and has a hot dinner waiting for me when i get home from work, and i love her for it

ilovecake · 26/11/2007 23:31

My parents are completely disinterested - they only live 40 minutes away. See them about once every 4-6 weeks. DH's mum does babysit for us every now and then although she is 67 so think it is too much to have both overnight. I do get jealous of other whose family are really involved. We cope with this by sharing babysitting duties with our friends - we schedule an evening about once a month for each other. It's actually quite nice to be at someone elses house for the evening with nothing to do! We also do the odd overnighters for special occasions - we each have two children age range 18mths - 4yrs. Our kids either stay with them or we swap houses and have all the kids in one house and free parents have "hotel" for the night. I think if you don't have grandparents to help out it's good to pal up with someone in a similar situation and offer to help them and they can reciprocate. Sorry long post!

sweetkitty · 27/11/2007 09:08

It's days like today that get to me, DDs have chicken pox so I am stuck in but I need things from the chemist, I cannot take the infectious DDs out and DP is not back to 10am. One of my friends DS was taken into hospital last night, one has chicken pox herself and in a bad way and the 2 others will stay clear of the pox house so I have no one to ask

ImBarryScott · 27/11/2007 09:43

YANBU. My parents had both died by the time I was 20 (well before DD made her arrival!), and the ILs are a 5-hour drive away. DH and I therefore don't get to take a break together, and I am very envious of those who do get a break with their partner.

But DH is a very hands-on Dad, so I do get the odd break. And I guess there are many of you who envy the fact that my ILs are over 200 miles away .

clam · 27/11/2007 21:23

I'm examining my conscience here to check that I was never smug/ungrateful about my MIL's fantastic hands-on and financial support for dcs (and us). I hope I wasn't..... but she died earlier this year and has left such a massive hole in our lives (and hearts). We're learning to adjust (and actually, childcare help has been the relatively easy bit to deal with), but it's very hard.

boo64 · 27/11/2007 21:33

YANBU
DH and I were hit by a stomach bug yesterday and we so wished we had 'useful' relatives nearby to help. I am so envious of those who have a mum who can pop round whenever she likes/ is needed/ just for a cuppa and to play with the kids.

BJB21 · 28/11/2007 11:52

I feel very envious of those who have good parental support.

My own mother was a great support with DS1 from when he was a tiny baby, having him overnight for me even when he was weaking loads.SHE would look after him at the drop of a hat, whilst i was getting ready to go out(i did actuallygo out in those days), overnight and the next day when i was knackered,when i went shopping or even just for a break. However, she died four yrs ago just after ds1 started school and i miss her help immensley. My sister is a great help too and has offered to havemy new baby any time i want and overnight but she works full time herself. My mil likes to think of herself as a good help but she isnt at all. Will happily have ds 1 or 2 for a couple of hrs but thats it. Would never have baby overnight, not that i would expect her to as he is only 9wks old but ds 1 is 8 and he has only stayed at her house once in his life(even tho he sleeps fantastically and has since 6mths old) and then she droppped him back to me at 830 in the morning cos she was going shopping.

She offered to babysit one Fri night if i want to go out for a couple of hrs with dp(in our house) but what would be the point as i have my sister who would have both kids all night if i really wanted a night out.

Well, i feel this just makes me stronger cos im determined to bring upo my kids with minimal assistance from her and i am quite happy to take them both out with me when we go for meals etc, so sod her!
Anyway, ive decided i dont need her help

BJB21 · 28/11/2007 11:58

sorry i meant waking loads!

coffeeholic · 30/11/2007 23:11

I am incredibly lucky to have both sets of grandparents within 30 mins away, and they all visit at least once a week and help out loads. My DDs (2 & 3) adore them. My dad is a violent drunk and I was brought up by my mum and gran and that intergenerational thing is really important to me. I don't know how you do it without that help. My DH works long hours and rarely sees the girls in the week. But it's still hard; we all struggle from time to time and it can be a mixed blessing having extended family so involved. But I don't feel I can complain or even express any difficulties because so many of my friends live so far from their parents and would give anything to live nearer and have more help.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 30/11/2007 23:15

we too are on our lonesome would be nice occassionally to be offered a hand

tomandrom · 30/11/2007 23:17

My ILs are 5hrs away and both my parents are 2hrs away... it sucks, doesn't it! They are happy to babysit when they come for a weekend though, but as am still feeding my DD I can't really go out for long anyway. What I wanted was for some gparents to be living next door when DD had colic, just to have someone else to give her to while I went and took some painkillers for the headache she'd given me by yelling in my ear!
Hopefully my ILs are moving closer next yr (it would be next door if I had my way!).

edam · 30/11/2007 23:25

I am a bit jealous of people with lots of family support. My parents live too far away, and dh's mother is too frail to look after ds on her own.

I once complained, mildly, to my mother about having no family to call on. And she pointed out that her mother died before I was born, and her father when I was 18 month old, so tough!