to envy people who have lots of parental support

[ohmum]

Sorry but sometimes I find it really hard to be pleased for my friends who tell me they had a nice night out and lie in as parents helped out. Or they had a nice long weekend without children as rellies took over ... the list goes on...

So those of you who are lucky to have all that supoprt bear a thought for those of us who have never had a lie in (even when parnets stay), a night away from our beloveds.... And yes we do have parents, they just don't seem to want to help - and quitefrankly I am really fed up.

YANBU...some of us are just unlucky. It irks me more when they are complacent about their good fortune and bitch and moan when they haven't gone out in a whole month, but I just ignore them a few minutes if friends do that to me...they soon get the message!

I'm in a similar boat to Stripeymama, my mum is great and has DS one day a week and babysits in the evening one night a week. On the other hand, no partner so once DS is in bed I'm locked down for the night, virtually every night except my one night a month. I do every early morning (no trading lie-ins in the Kewcumber household), I take little gherkin with me everywhere as there's no-one to leave him at home with. However its not a massive problem and I have no doubt that there are single parents out there who have no involved expartner and no supportive parent.

Would you trade your live in (and hopefully supportive!) DH for my live-out and supportive mum?

Its natural to be envious of what you don't have but important to realise that you're far from being the hardest done-by.

I know expat sorry I must sound like a broken record, last Saturday she phoned to tell me she was buying new curtains (it's always about her) and to ask me where I was watching the football, I said at home where else do you think? She then said she might go to the pub but she can't be bothered i.e. gloating she has the choice.

This is the last example, when I had the mc as well as telling me it was for the best as 3 DC would be expensive, she phoned about a week later to tell me all about my brothers new house after about 10 minutes of her going on about it, I said "oh thanks for asking I'm fine, I didn't need to go into hospital after all for the op I mc naturally which was tough with the DDs to look after especially when I was on the floor" she replied "well I knew you would be fine if you had gone into hospital I would have heard about it"

She is a spiteful, jealous and lazy person who if she didn't give birth to me I wouldn't speak to ever again people like that you can do without in your life. She also actually believes that men are superior to women, that as long as men pay the bills they should be able to go out and get p every weekend and the odd slap or punch in the face is acceptable. I kid you not.

Anyway I could be here all night sorry for the rant so yes I am envious of people who get good parental support.

I think the best thing we can do is learn from our experiences and help it shape what kind of parents/ grandparents we are.
I do think that you become a terrificly tight unit as a family(you, dh and dc)as a result of being left alone quite so much,and as someone mentioned earlier, that is the thing to concentrate on.

my god, kitty! yes, i remember all those horrid comments she made about your miscarriage.

Hi, YANBU. I think it must be really hard for those with no help. I do often think about my friends who don't and try to be an extra good friend, babysitting, nursery pick ups etc...I get lots of help from my family and my inlaws are interested and help out too. I'm not trying to be smug I promise.

The only lie in though that I've had is from my DP. The time my lo gets up at I would feel really mean leaving it to someone on their 60s.

I'm lucky with the help and that I mostly get on well with my family (just been to lunch today). A little complaint would be though that I have no privacy. They are always in our house and know exactly what we are up to all the time. Just as well I don't have many secrets!

Kitty, are you estranged from your mother?

I have no help with my 4, soon to be 5 kids. My parents are both dead and DH's parents are too wrapped up in their own lives to bother seeing any of their grandchildren more than once a year. Last weekend a kind friend had my children to sleepover so me and DH had our first overnight trip without kids in 8 years!

So yes I get a bit jealous of people with lots of help, but we seem to be bringing up quite a happy family on our own, it's easier as they get older and next year DS1's going to start babysitting for us! At least I don't have interfering relatives to put up with.

No YANBU. My own parents are very elderly, and live a fair way away - they would have liked to have helped, but sadly not possible. Dh's parents are a lot youger, but live 400 miles away, so they can't help much either. Nobody's fault, just the way it is, but I did feel (in the early days) a bit resentful of people who had parental support. Now ds is early 7 it's not a problem, but when he was a baby/toddler I would really have appreciated that support. So, if you have it - make the most of it and e thankful.

I found out a few days ago that my friends are going to America, and leaving their 3 dc (all under age 5) with grandparents for 10 days. I was stunned - that is so far outside my own experience, that I would never even think to ask. And yes, I admit to feeling envious.

I've always been a single mum, so no dp/dh to share with - but that was my choice, and I've never known anything else. DD has only been alone with my Mum once, for two hours - partly due to geography, and partly due to the fact that my Mum is not really a suitable babysitter.

I don't really think about it until I speak to my sil and she talks about things she's done with her mum that week, or nights out they've had, I talk to my mum and she tells me what my dad and she did with my nephew when she was minding him.

I'm a little jealous of the amount of time they get to spend with their other grandson, and then I feel guilty for not going through more often. I'm very envious of db/sil's free childcare which means she takes home way more than me despite having a job with similar pay and working one less day a week.

But there's no point in the envy and we're luckier than many. My parents are close enough for emergencies and when we go through to visit we stay over so can have a night out there if we want.

Also, my mum is ill atm, and that did show me what an extra burden arranging alternative childcare would be if you relied on family and something happened, at a time when you're feeling most vulnerable and sad.

my mother and father have repeatedly told me just in general conversation how they would never put their lives on hold for their grandchildren- whatever that means.
They are both retired and live about 30 mins away and I rarely see them. It upsets me that they think so little of their grandchildren.
My friends parents live a way away,but this means they have their grandchildren to stay over and they easily see more of them than I do of mine- how ridiculous is that?
My In-laws would be around lots if they were not elderly and recently very poorly.
I might add that neither of my parents offered to look after the children so I could visit either of my in-laws in hospital.
It's a shame. I'm really beginning to dislike my parents and it's not a pleasant feeling. They have always been pretty self-absorbed but this is just beyond the pale to me.
I agree with manchita, we are forming a tight family unit and I know what kind of Nana I'm going to be.(weirdly, like my Nana was - a lovely fun person who loved spending regular time with her grandchildren- what is going on with my mum?!)
I don't want help so much I just want them all to spend time together.

We moved to be back near my Mum This involved a hige drop in salary for dh. Had we stayed where we were he would have been on at least double his current salary by now.

We had to move because ds1 is severely autistic and we needed the support. He has no access to after school care, before school care or holiday care. We do get some access to respite, but I can't get out of the house when I have all 3 and am alone. IN reality this means that I pay for 36 hours a week hands on help every week during school hols, which is part funded by SS. Without my mother we would never get a break, and unlike most of you it will always be like this. When ds1 is 18 we wont be able to leave him alone at all (and god know what will happen as my mother won't be able to handle him then).

Pinky Minky- my mother continually tells me that she put her life on hold when she was bringing us up and she won't be doing that agin. I say to her what do you mean? This is a beautiful time of life, being at home with your children...

YANBU to feel that they have it easier. Those of use who live a long way from any relatives and have never been in a position to get lots of help/free babysitting etc know how hard it is. BUT I think you need to focus on the upside. Some of my friends who've used grandparents for free childcare find that it comes at a price - there are often unspoken expectations. And because my parents and in laws live a long way off, I feel that our kids have always had the kind of relationship with them that I'd ideally want ie : visiting their grandparents is something really special, where it's ok for them to be a bit spoilt etc, precisely because its not an everyday scenario. So I think it cuts both ways - those who have parents around to do a lot of the parenting job for them have it easy, but those who don't, benefit from a 'specialness'.

Manchita - It is very hurtful. At least we can try to make sure our children don't feel like a burden to us.

inthegutter- I don't want free childcare, just more than a few couple of hours visits in a year when they only live 10 miles away. And I mean letting us visit them or the other way around. But they just don't have time for us.

No YANBU. my Inlaws are just up the road, and they mind our baby for a couple of hours at the weekend no problems, we are very lucky. My own parents would love to help but are miles away. I dont know how we'd manage if we had no help, its not that Im particularly into drinking or anything, but just to be able to pop out for a couple of hours and a hot whisky makes me feel human. Respect going out to all of you without this sort of little break.

(Grand)parental support with childcare is a wonderful thing and yes, anyone who has it should be aware of just how fortunate they are and not take it for granted .

My mother is fantastic, but unfortunately lives rather a long way.

YANBU. My Mum has lived round the corner for two years now and never offers to help. I have to help her, which was fine when she first moved down as she needed a hip replacement. She's loads better now though and fully mobile again but I still end up doing things like taking her shopping, to hospital appointments etc. If something breaks down I have to sort it most of the time. She adores DS but only wants to see him if we are going out somewhere for lunch. I suggested we come over but she says she sees enough of her house. Suggested mine, didn't want to do that either.

On his birthday party, she came round in the morning to retrieve her tub of ice cream she accidently left in my freezer, didn't want us to eat it if we ran out of our tub. She then buggered off home and put her feet up. And then if I moan that I'm a bit stressed I get the story of how she knows what it's like, she hasn't a clue !

MY PILs live in Spain and MIL is sadly dying, has been now for ages. DH has dropped everything 4 times now to go and say his final goodbyes. They weren't interested when she was fine though, I have heard DH have conversations with her when she clearly hasn't even asked how the children are.

DS is now 4 and going to school next year. He's just started a lot more hours at nursery and I don't know myself with the extra hours. I think there is a chance now that DH & I might survive until they are 18 now ! Sorry, that has turned into a moan.

Yep, My parents and ils live miles away, so though they would love to help out they can't. I get so pissed off with dss's mum when she whinges and complains about how hard it is being a single mother and never having time to herself, when unlike Earlybird (so major sympathies to you!), she has her mum, best friend and other neighbours on her doorstep eager to take her ds off her hands. I don't think she has ever been on her own in the house when we've picked up/dropped dss off, often we are dropping him off or picking him up at her best friend's house or her mum's house. DH and I will have NONE of that when our lo is born, the nearest friends we have are 25 miles away and they all work except one who has just had a lo of her own.
So no ohmum, YANBU to be envious. I'm also at a loss as to why some people don't want to send at least a bit of time with the GCs, my ils, dss's gps all adore spending time with their gcs, and my mum and dad are really excited about being gps for the first time.
Sweetkitty - your mum sounds awful, you poor thing.

Not unreasonable at all, I'm a single parent but my own parents live 2 minutes away, and are brilliant with the children, always helping me out etc.

I would be utterly lost without them

oh but I never have an evening out...never get a lie in. Those aren't things I'd expect with 2 little kids. Mum and Dad help me by taking the older one off for a few hours, (not a whole night so far!) or practical things like helping me do the garden or put up his playhouse etc.
They are also great to talk to.

I sometimes wonder if I am better off than a lot of married people whose partners are not home much, work long hours etc.

I know I'm lucky.

No Manchita I am not exactly estranged but not exactly close we speak to each other on the phone about once a fortnight.

The thing that gets me about my Mother is that to everyone else apart from me she is the perfect mother i.e. will go on about how proud she is of me etc how I have been to university (without her help more of her hindrance) got a good job, live in a big house (I don't at all) am a great Mum etc this I hear from other people yet she has never given me a complement and always brings me down etc although not now as she knows I just speak my mind. Have told he in the past I think she is an excuse for a Gran and that my children don't know her, but it doesn't change. The mian point is she is very lazy and two toddlers would mean hard work.

Columbia - you are lucky and it's great you appreciate it - you must have a great relationship with your dps - dss's mum simply doesn't appreciate what a great support network she has, she just takes it as her due!

I have no practical help from my family at all. My mother held dd once as a tiny baby to let me go to the toilet, and never did another thing.

She has dementia now and couldn't help if she wanted to.

My mil is 400 miles away, and will help if ansked but it is a bit of a hit and miss afair.

When dh went to war over christmas one year I was left alone. None of his family visited me, or mine.My children were 5 and 1.5 at the time. Thankfully a friend asked us round for christmas lunch, or I would have spent the whole day, just me and the kids.

None of them seemed to think that I needed any help or company.