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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to envy people who have lots of parental support

128 replies

ohmum · 25/11/2007 21:41

Sorry but sometimes I find it really hard to be pleased for my friends who tell me they had a nice night out and lie in as parents helped out. Or they had a nice long weekend without children as rellies took over ... the list goes on...

So those of you who are lucky to have all that supoprt bear a thought for those of us who have never had a lie in (even when parnets stay), a night away from our beloveds.... And yes we do have parents, they just don't seem to want to help - and quitefrankly I am really fed up.

OP posts:
Eliza2 · 26/11/2007 09:50

Just unbelievable, some of these stories. I want to shake some of these grandparents and ask them what the problem is. I'm sitting here with my eyes pricking just reading posts like MB's and Yurt's.

I don't get much help from family but I know that they would if they lived nearer. I rely heavily on trading favours with friends and at the moment I'm heavily in hock.

fircone · 26/11/2007 09:50

poor you, martianbishop.

I am now feeling sorry for myself after reading this thread. My parents are dead, and my pils are the pits.

My mother looked after my nieces 12 hours a day, 5 days a week from when they were both five weeks old, and continued doing school runs etc until they finished their A-Levels. Was my sister appreciative? Was she heck. When my mother was dying my sister refused to visit her, saying it was depressing, and if my mother had wanted to do so much for her, that was her own stupid choice.

My in-laws know I have no-one else, yet they even kicked up a fuss about looking after ds when dd was born. Fil even rang the delivery room three times to say that they were bored and wanted to go home and could I hurry up?!!! The nurses were furious.

MrsTittleMouse · 26/11/2007 09:52

YANBU. I realise how lucky I am to have a supportive DH and GPs who love DD and want to be with her.
I still wish that PIL could see her more though (ranted about this on another thread - SIL takes the p*ss a bit using them for free childcare) and I still wish that my Mum and Dad lived a bit closer so that they could "pop by". I know that most of my friends think that I'm crazy allowing my folks to visit almost every week! It's exhausting sometimes having constant visitors, but it's too important for DD to have a good relationship with her GPs.

MrsTittleMouse · 26/11/2007 09:53

Bloody hell fircone! That's !

Notyummy · 26/11/2007 09:53

mb that is awful! My dh is in the military and has been away over Xmas, but I can't imagine my parents or ILs NOT inviting me.

Our parents do help, but live at least 4 hours away, so it can't be too often. At least they are willing (well all except dh dad, who split up from his Mum years ago...he has seen 16 month old dd ONCE, and can never remember her name. Still wants to be called 'Grandad' but Dh has told dd to call him by his first name! His Mums new partner, who she has only been with for a couple of years is much more of a Grandad to her than her 'blodd relation' ever has been.)

cbcb · 26/11/2007 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatIsSleepy · 26/11/2007 10:11

kind of know how you feel ohmum...

my mum lives 3 hours away, my FIL 4 hours away (and planning to move even further away) and my MIL 6 hours away.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have babysitters on tap, but tbh am used to the way things are and most of the time it doesn't bother me too much. Although I think I'll feel it more when we have more than one dc. I guess I don't have lots of people telling me about their lie-ins though, which probably helps .

Actually I because I go out to work 4 days a week, I get my fix of freedom/child-free shopping etc that way which possibly makes a difference...

fircone · 26/11/2007 11:01

99% of the time having no help doesn't bother me at all. I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday without the dcs!

But when it hits is when I've been ill. Trying to look after a baby when you've got flu is a NIGHTMARE. Trying to drive the car three days after giving birth (with broken coccyx and ripping stitches) is not good. Struggling to do the shopping with rampant morning sickness was awful. And having to plead with dh to take one minute off work is the worst thing of all!

It's at times like these that I yearn for some assistance.

cbcb · 26/11/2007 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deepbreath · 26/11/2007 11:24

I find this topic quite tough, as my Mum died when I was about 12 wks pg with my ds. My Dad has got senile dementia, and the rest of my family don't live locally.

My mother in law helps, but usually only if there is a financial incentive for her to do it (and as we're broke, this isn't often).

We had a pretty horrible time after dd was born. I had SPD, and was still hobbling. Ds was still a baby, newborn dd was ill and being tested for allsorts, then dh had to have heart surgery! We STILL had no help from anyone...

I felt like I was having my nose rubbed in it when my sister in law said how her Mum was coming up to help after her 2nd child was born, and how fab it was going to be that she could rest whenever the mood took her etc.

Turns out that her Mum fancied a bit of a rest too, and sis in law ended up waiting on her
I might have felt sorry for her if she hadn't rubbed it in so much!

TheMadHouse · 26/11/2007 11:38

we moved 300 mile to be closer to the inlaws and to my mum.

As the inlaws farm, they had only seen DS1 once in his life (he was 1) and that was when we brough him to them.

However, it still seems as through we are miles away. My mum will help with the boys if they are inbed asleep, but she does not drive so I have to coillect her and drop her off. My inlaws are too busy, they often look after my niece, but will not look after the boys.

I have asked once when I could not get cover, only to be told yes, then rang 15 mins before saying that they were having to have neice instead.

Oblomov · 26/11/2007 11:42

I did a thread about this, not so long ago, about having no support network. Dh's mum is over 80 and lives 2 hrs away. My mum is 60 and lives 1 1/2 hrs away and is unable to committ, because some days she is fine, others not.
I TOTALLY understand. It grates me when I hear people complaining, rather than being appreciative of the support they have.

Oblomov · 26/11/2007 11:45

Its when you are ill, that its the worst.

Oblomov · 26/11/2007 11:50

Sometimes, when I need to go and have some electrolysis - to get rid of my moustache and my goatee beard, and I have no one to look after ds, for 1/2 an hour. Sometimes that is frustrating.
I continue, hairy, like hairyirene (not insinuating that she does actually have a moustache!)

Notyummy · 26/11/2007 11:52

deepbreath...are you saying that you have to pay your MIL to babysit? That is awful!

I realise that you can't take the piss, and I would never rely on my Mum for childcare even if she lived near me, because I don't think that is fair on people who have done their childrearing....however occasional babysitting is different surely??

deepbreath · 26/11/2007 17:26

Yes, Notyummy. We do have to pay.

I know she's broke too. It's just a pain when she can get herself up to my other sister in law's to cook and clean for them (because she gets paid for doing it... not a lot, but more than we could afford right now), but then she is "too exhausted" to help us, even in an emergency.

I used to think that it was a mother-daughter thing... ie, didn't want to do things for me because I'm only an in-law.

bananaknickers · 26/11/2007 17:35

ohmum I know what you mean.I envy my friends that hang around with their mums. Their mums do the school runs, ironing and so on. these always seem to be well rounded people and never stressed with family life. I do hate to see people that have this but take the pee out off their parents and take advantage though

onlyjoking9329 · 26/11/2007 17:51

i have no family as i was draggedbrought up in care, Steve has a mum and stepdad but they don't ever offer to help.
they had the kids for 2 nights in the summer holidays so that me and steve could go away for one night. this was just after steve got his terminal DX and before he started his six weeks of chemo & radio.
luckily we have friends that help out.

3andnomore · 26/11/2007 18:08

Aww OP....I am in a similar situation....must say though, I don't "begrudge" anyone the help...however, I have been known to fly off the handle when those that have lots of support then berate the helpful family members because they don't do things quite like them. Whilst I realise that sometimes there can be real issues and of course sometimes that can be frustrating, etc....a lot of the time I feel it's people being completely ungrateful, unappreciative and well, they don't deserve all the help they are getting...

3andnomore · 26/11/2007 18:09

Fircone, your sister should be ashamed of herself

expatinscotland · 26/11/2007 18:45

i'm shocked at all these grandparents!

i can't believe they have no interest at all in their grandchildren or have forgotten how much a little help would be appreciated.

Minum · 26/11/2007 18:46

YAB(a bit)U - I have parental support but 95% of my childcare is done by paid babysitters, or occassional swaps with friends - I like it when Ps PILs help out, but tbh its so much easier when babysitters do it, its an easier emotional transaction.

I'm always suprised when people say I cant to X or Y because parents arent nearby to help - there are always solutions to childcare if you need them.

But lots of sympathy to you if your Ps want you to be active children, but they dont want to be active GPs.

yurt1 · 26/11/2007 18:47

not always minum. I have no access to childcare for ds1 (severely autistic) before and after school.

Minum · 26/11/2007 18:54

OK - apologies.

onlyjoking9329 · 26/11/2007 19:00

we have 3 with autism. only childcare we can get is daytime respite or from friends the difficulties with using friends for us is that most of our friends also have children with SNs