To lie about my non-existent relationship history?

[Spicymisosoup]

I'm 31, and have never been in a proper, long-term relationship. Lots of dating and short-term, getting to know each other stuff, but it has never really progressed past that for various reasons.

This is becoming a real issue when dating. The conversations usually quickly get onto the matter of previous relationships. When did your last relationship end, how long was it, etc.

The looks of shock/horror/barely disguised disdain that I receive when I'm honest and tell men that I've never been in a relationship is starting to get very tiresome. They immediately want answers as to why this is. They start trying to psychoanalyze me. They are immediately convinced that there must be something terribly wrong with me, and they want to find out exactly what it is. This is all of course, not very nice to go through at all. It really does feel like once we get to this stage, it's very hard to move further, as they become so fixated on this. I have to say though, I don't really blame them for being suspicious.

The truth is that there really is nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found someone I want to be in a relationship with. This however, never seems like a satisfactory answer to them. They are always convinced that there must be something else going on.

So would it be unreasonable to invent an imaginary ex? This 'relationship' ended several years ago, and I've been single ever since. I'm hoping this will at least give a chance for the conversation to progress past that initial barrier.

I of course worry that it wouldn't stand up to intense questioning/the story would fall apart if this imaginary ex is mentioned in front of friends(who all know that I have no ex's!), but at the moment, it's falling apart at the first hurdle!

Any words of advice?

Thank you.

I tried doing that a couple of times, but I'd say keep to the truth, good way of weeding out the judgmental ones and it's awkward further down the track if you have to be like I made him up or keep up the pretence.

You're dating the wrong men! You sound lovely. The right one won't give a damn that you've never been in a relationship - tbh I'm envious, would have saved me a lot of heartache if I'd followed my gut and not got into relationships with most of the men I met in my twenties

I don't know really. I mean I would never advise anyone to start a relationship with a lie but given how many threads I've read on MN where people are shouting 'RED FLAG', when a man hasn't been in a relationship by the age of 30, perhaps you should try to skirt around it at least?

Personally I think there's nothing wrong with it but so many people feel the opposite for some reason.

I don't have much advice op but this reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe invents an ex bf named Vikram 😂

I wouldn't outright lie - Sir Walter Scott was absolutely right, it will eventually blow up in your face.

I wouldn't be answering anyones questions about my previous relationships .... 🌸

Oh hello, are you me?!

Don’t lie, do you really want to be with any of these judgemental ones anyway?!

Don't lie, be honest, it shows you have respect for yourself and there's nothing wrong with that. If your dates have a problem with it then they are not right for you. Also, how incredibly rude of them to psychoanalyse you! Is this happening during a date? I would walk out on anyone who tried to do this to me instead of chatting about hobbies and stuff. Hold out for the right one.

Oh god don’t lie! I think the biggest red flag about anyone would be having lied at the start.

Everything @Namechangeforthisquestion7 said

Can you be vague and then joke it off?
But tbh I wouldn’t date anyone who’s so obsessive with my past life from the very beginning.

I’m a guy and it wouldn’t matter to me in the slightest if someone didn’t have any long-term relationships in their past. All that would matter is the potential one we were making right now.

Not that your history wouldn’t come up of course - your life (and possibly even mine in turn) would be interesting to know, but it wouldn’t be defined by how long you were with people.

But skip the lie - over time the inconstancies around it will show and then it may put the relationship you now have at risk because “what ELSE have you been lying about?” thinking kicks in.

And don’t stress yourself out about it. This isn’t an issue for the kind of guys you’d want to date anyway.

Good luck.

Don't lie, but don't let them engage you in talking about it. Ot just mention vague stuff. I was a bit similar, in that I'd only had 1 relationship, and one minor boyfriend, pre Dh.

@JaneyGotAGun

I don't have much advice op but this reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe invents an ex bf named Vikram 😂

My first thought too, except didn’t Ross invent him?!

OP - this sounds really disheartening, but I agree with others that lying probably isn’t the best idea. I’m sure you will click with someone who just won’t care.

I'd have absolutely no quarms about lying in this situation, it's not something that can harm them. Just to keep things simple for yourself though, keep to the truth but be vague about the details. You say you've had loads of dates and short term things, maybe mention some of those short term things as if they were a bit more serious.

Don't worry about the friends thing, if anyone brings up a story you've told in front of your friends, they are the weird one! Who meets a new bf/gfs friends and starts bringing up stories about their ex's? I've been with my DH years and can honestly say the subject of either of our ex's has never come up in any sort of social situation.

If it was making me uncomfortable, I'd lie in a heartbeat. Pick someone you either know or someone off telly. Base your boyfriends character round their lives. Easier to remember if story is based on facts easy to remember. Never elaborate - we try to do that when we lie, but we don't tend to do it when it's true. Say it didn't end great so you don't want to talk about it. Occasionally drop in convo that, oh I went there with.... I'm mean I never lie, but this how I'd do it if I did. 🤭

I get what you mean, I've been in the same boat.

I would just be vague and say something like "I haven't been in a relationship recently" or you could be vague about the timelines of shorter relationships you've had.

It really shouldn’t matter, but clearly it does base do your experience (and the threads you see on here where a man’s lack of a past long term relationship is seen as red flag). I wouldn’t lie; I would just re-characterise your past dating as shorter relationships. Treat anything over 5 dates as a short relationship.

@liloli

I tried doing that a couple of times, but I'd say keep to the truth, good way of weeding out the judgmental ones and it's awkward further down the track if you have to be like I made him up or keep up the pretence.

I agree it's a "good way of weeding out the judgemental ones".

OP, starting a relationship with a lie is never a good idea. I get it's frustrating, dating when you're looking for something serious always is. I had to go through a good share of bad first dates and a year long bad relationship (my first real boyfriend) before I met my husband.

You sound like a lovely person, and those men who question you don't. Good luck! I'm sure you'll find some good men out there.

Keep to the truth but be vague. There's no point in baring all when you have only just met.

I daresay you've been out with a few, just say that and add you've never yet met someone special.

I wouldn’t lie as if you end up in a proper relationship with them you’ll have to awkwardly explain the lie and it’ll be a bigger thing than it’s meant to be. However I would work on framing the situation, unfair as it is I do think men are somehow drawn to women that they feel are coveted by other men. I would frame the no relationship issue as you “had a lot of interest but no one was quite good enough for you, yet ” rather than you were just wildly sleeping around or were trying to get a bf but not succeeding (neither of these things are bad, but they’re probably the concerns of the prospective dates). So, add a little marketing spin to your story to make yourself sound like a picky prize, but not in a high maintenance way, just in a “I’m really looking for a special connection, I guess I’m a romantic in that way and seeking someone who I can truly respect - I’ve not been interested in wasting time when that’s not immediately there, plus I’ve been very busy doing XYZ” - then they’ll be falling over themselves to prove that they are this guy! Obviously total honesty is nice in theory but if you want to play the game successfully that would be my advice.

"I've never yet met anyone with whom I'd like to spend more than a couple of dates with"

Or

"I have high expectations as I value myself, my time and my relationships "

@Couldhavebeenme2 lol

"I'm a luxury few can afford"

The problem isn't your past, it's that you tolerating really intrusive, rude and judgmental behaviour!

Shut the conversation right down with "I'm not here to talk about the past. If we get on and things develop then sure let's do that"

Or whatever is right for you. "I'm young. I've dated. Now I'm ready for something serious. That's all you need to know."