To lie about my non-existent relationship history?

[Spicymisosoup]

I'm 31, and have never been in a proper, long-term relationship. Lots of dating and short-term, getting to know each other stuff, but it has never really progressed past that for various reasons.

This is becoming a real issue when dating. The conversations usually quickly get onto the matter of previous relationships. When did your last relationship end, how long was it, etc.

The looks of shock/horror/barely disguised disdain that I receive when I'm honest and tell men that I've never been in a relationship is starting to get very tiresome. They immediately want answers as to why this is. They start trying to psychoanalyze me. They are immediately convinced that there must be something terribly wrong with me, and they want to find out exactly what it is. This is all of course, not very nice to go through at all. It really does feel like once we get to this stage, it's very hard to move further, as they become so fixated on this. I have to say though, I don't really blame them for being suspicious.

The truth is that there really is nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found someone I want to be in a relationship with. This however, never seems like a satisfactory answer to them. They are always convinced that there must be something else going on.

So would it be unreasonable to invent an imaginary ex? This 'relationship' ended several years ago, and I've been single ever since. I'm hoping this will at least give a chance for the conversation to progress past that initial barrier.

I of course worry that it wouldn't stand up to intense questioning/the story would fall apart if this imaginary ex is mentioned in front of friends(who all know that I have no ex's!), but at the moment, it's falling apart at the first hurdle!

Any words of advice?

Thank you.

Don't lie exactly because of it pans out you'll feel like a dick when you have to tell the truth.

Just be a bit vague or say something like god no one wants to talk about exes on a first date.

You are a rare thing
A woman without baggage !

I don’t think it’s anything weird

Why do they want to talk about this anyway on dates

"I'm not really interested in talking about my past relationships. But you can tell me about yours, if you want!"

Steely smile.

The End.

I do think men are somehow drawn to women that they feel are coveted by other men

I know this is sometimes true, if you reverse the sexes. I can't imagine any man caring about this. Men don't care about 101 different things that would be important to many women. Mostly what they care about is what it would take to get you naked. I suspect even the psychoanalysis questions are an obscure possibly unconscious ploy to form a connection, which could result in getting OP into bed, rather than them actually caring about her past.

This is me as well, except I'm in my 50s so seems even harder to explain away. It's astonishing how many men want to talk about past relationships on a first date.

I tend to just say 'I've been single for years', with a shrug.

I wouldn’t lie. My brother is 35 and had plenty of girlfriends but never a proper relationship. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s not odd or weird he’s just hasn’t met the right one yet.

@Couldhavebeenme2

"I've never yet met anyone with whom I'd like to spend more than a couple of dates with"

Or

"I have high expectations as I value myself, my time and my relationships "

This is the truth, OP.

You have high expectations and you've never met anyone who's worth the bother.

I was a bit like you until my early 30s, in that I had had one or two long-ish relationships but had been single more than I had been in relationships. At the time I saw it as a negative and something to be ashamed of. With the benefit of hindsight I can see it was actually a massive positive: I respected myself too much to compromise and my instincts were strong.

It actually makes me really angry that people like you: who obviously have high self-esteem and decent boundaries, are made to feel as if this is a source of shame and so many people are pressured into accepting self-limiting scenarios in their life because they feel they have to tick the "relationship" box.

It's society's problem: not yours. I think you should wear it as a badge of honour. But I also realise that people are narrow minded and judgemental (and very influenced by others' opinions). So if they're not evolved enough to realise that its a positive maybe just dodge the question.

Remember, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Why are all these people discussing relationships in such detail on the first few dates?
Give a vague answer or ask them why hey feel the need to discuss it.
It’s really too intense and I’d be turned off by any man who did it.

God no don't lie. It will come back to bite you on the bum when you actually have a relationship with someone and they found out you lied. Fwiw my partner hadn't had any serious relationships or anything before me. He was older than me too. I thought it was surprising but it didn't put me off him

My now-husband did this to me. I found out over a year in and all these seemingly innocent lies still niggle in the back of my mind. I know he's capable of lying to my face, which I hate.

I think tell the truth and the right person will come along. I'd have preferred the truth and it would eliminate this feeling that you're ok with lies.

Just say you prioritised work or 'other things' over relationships when you were younger and be clear it's no big deal. Maybe it's about your attitude? Are you confident when you answer? If you're cagey and look away and seem really uncomfortable talking about it then they're more likely to think there's more to it. I wouldn't lie, you want someone who accepts you for who you are.

Don't lie. Few liars are any good at it and you'll stumble and stutter and look like an oddball.

Just be honest - but also deflect, as they shouldn't be digging into your past anyway. None of their business.

You don’t need to tell guys on dates anything. I never talked about exes when I was dating. Always vague then change subject if necessary.
Examples - him- when was your last relationship ?
Me- oh a few months ago ( you don’t want to appear to have been on the shelf) you?
Him- why did it end?
Me- just not compatible
Him- what’s your longest relationship?
Me- a few years /
In your case I would say ‘ hmmm best part of a year’ ( also vague and it exactly a lie).
Definitely do not make a big story up. Honestly if guys like you it will be refreshing if you’re not blithering on about your wounded heart or bastard ex. I imagine your problem using your lack of ex boyfriends but a lack of confidence that you’re a prize for any guy

Thanks so much everyone! Really good advice.

Overwhelming consensus is to not lie which I do agree with. I can see that it has the potential to become a bigger issue in future if the truth comes to light.

I just think we've been conditioned as a society to think RED FLAG when someone gets to a certain age without any relationships under their belt!

I just find it so strange as there are so many people with red flags pretty much stuck to their foreheads, who somehow manage to maintain long-term relationships!

I will try to be vague/change the topic quickly/be confident in my previous relationship status, and nit be ashamed of it!

Thanks again.

Really, just remember you don't owe any random date any information on your life that you're not comfortable with sharing.

It really saddens me this does.
It's sad that a woman's worth is based on how many romantic partners she has had. Really sad.
I know someone who is late thirties and never been in a relationship. She is attractive, a lovely person and definitely not an oddball. It just hasn't happened for her and she doesn't feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of it. Anyone would be very lucky to have her if she did decide to get into a relationship but her worth is not measured on whether she does or not. Same goes for you and you sound fab xx

Ah OP, I feel for you. I am quite older than you, I've been married before (short marriage), and this was the one and only relationship I have ever had.
My most hated reaction when people learn about this is: "But why? You're okay looking and quite pleasant!" Presumably intended as a compliment, but for some reason really rubs me the wrong way.

I think this is where The Rules might come in handy. It really isn’t okay to have someone interrogate you on your past relationships unless you are quite serious. It’s fine to say that you’ve dated people but there hasn’t been anyone serious for a while. When / if they say “Like who / when”, it’s okay to say that you don’t want to get too heavy early on / don’t want to talk about that now”.

Once a man is super keen (and serious), he’s unlikely to be put off by you not having had serious past relationships. There’s no need to reveal too much too early.

I was, a bit like this, I met my dh at 31, prior to meeting dh I had 1 18 month relationship between the ages of 17 and 19,lots of flings that went no where in my 20,s and a couple of relationships that lasted a few months, non that where anywhere near serious ie, moving in together etc
Honestly people get too hung up on past relationships even if you had had loads of relationships, and they don't work out its because the relationship is failing for whatever reason.

If it helps at all my husband had never had a serious and only 2 short romantic relationships when we met. But of course he has relationships with friends and family that gave me clear insight into him as a person.
You are definitely not the problem with these people! How intrusive of them!

The problem is rude dates insisting on asking/ probing. Can you not just say you'd prefer not to talk about exes, and if they push it then they're a bit of a knob and not worth your time. You don't owe anyone (particularly a date that you are not yet in a relationship with) private information about your past that you're not comfortable with sharing

Why on Earth does anybody need to know your relationship history? I'd steer clear of anybody who pried into my personal business like that. What is is meant to prove? Too many partners = ?, too few = ? What is too many or too few? Don't let anybody devalue you like that.

I've never been quizzed like that - not even by the one I married. If I had been, he wouldn't be married to me.

@3scape

If it helps at all my husband had never had a serious and only 2 short romantic relationships when we met. But of course he has relationships with friends and family that gave me clear insight into him as a person. You are definitely not the problem with these people! How intrusive of them!

My husband was the same.

Some of the 'relationships' I had in my youth are best left in the past :-).

I would just say I’ve had lots of short or casual relationships but never had anything long term
Simple and true from what you’ve said

I’d look them straight in the eye and say “that’s confidential information- if I told you I’d have to kill you” with a laugh and a flirty grin. And then ask them something different like “what’s the best date you’ve ever been on”.

That should buy you a few months to decide if you’re compatible and then if they ask again at a later date you can answer honestly.

If they push after you’ve said that then they’re not the sort of man you want to date!